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Post by kapibara on Apr 17, 2023 10:50:55 GMT -5
Dear caring community.
I stumbled upon this forum in search of a solution to my problem and I see that it seems absolutely small against these stories and backgrounds of many years of marriage.
But I still ask you not to ignore my request, I am in an acute phase, I want some support.
I fell in love with a man.
We have been dating for only 5 months, but the relationship is deep and psychologically healthy. We are 45+, we are both with mental trauma, but both he and I have worked through them in a long therapy, we are open, we talk about everything.
He accepts both me and my 3 children, we are planning the future, I want to go forward in small steps.
But there is one BUT.
We hardly have sex. He has enough once a week or two.
I need sex every day. I'm torn apart by his rejections. All triggers work, about low self-esteem, rejection, "he doesn't like me", "I'm not fuckable"
The man began to have stress from my requests.
I get stressed out by constant rejection.
How to change the scenario?
What should I do? Of course I use toys. But my request is not for orgasms, but for sex - it is for the man I love.
What would you advise from the point of ILIASM partner. Should I run now or there is something I can do?
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Post by blunder8 on Apr 17, 2023 11:48:08 GMT -5
Dear caring community. I stumbled upon this forum in search of a solution to my problem and I see that it seems absolutely small against these stories and backgrounds of many years of marriage. But I still ask you not to ignore my request, I am in an acute phase, I want some support. I fell in love with a man. We have been dating for only 5 months, but the relationship is deep and psychologically healthy. We are 45+, we are both with mental trauma, but both he and I have worked through them in a long therapy, we are open, we talk about everything. He accepts both me and my 3 children, we are planning the future, I want to go forward in small steps. But there is one BUT. We hardly have sex. He has enough once a week or two. I need sex every day. I'm torn apart by his rejections. All triggers work, about low self-esteem, rejection, "he doesn't like me", "I'm not fuckable" The man began to have stress from my requests. I get stressed out by constant rejection. How to change the scenario? What should I do? Of course I use toys. But my request is not for orgasms, but for sex - it is for the man I love. What would you advise from the point of ILIASM partner. Should I run now or there is something I can do? Hmmm. Have you ruled out physical/medical issues he may have? Assuming you have, and that he has fully worked through any mental trauma, you may have a simple case of mismatched libidos. If you both value the relationship, can a compromise be made: more than once a week/less than once a day? Even as a long-suffering husband, a once a day expectation would not be something I could meet (I'm 59 and consider myself on the higher end of the libido scale). Although, if my wife issued a daily ultimatum I'd be willing to give it a try for a few days. And in memory hope my friends speak fondly of me. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 17, 2023 11:58:04 GMT -5
It sounds like you do have miss-matched libidos. Usually sex is the best at the beginning of a relationship. If it doesn't work out at first, in general, it will only get worse, so you might want to keep him as a friend but look elsewhere for a sexual partner.
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 17, 2023 12:17:18 GMT -5
Doing some quick math with his frequency level of once per week versus yours of once per day results in your libido being 700% higher than his. Does that sound to you as sustainable for the long term?
Keep in mind that the low libido partner is the gatekeeper of the sex. The high libido partner can either put up with the situation or move on.
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2023 19:02:36 GMT -5
Sister kapibara . If you are looking for a relationship with a robust sexual component to it then based solely on what you've said, you are currently with the wrong bloke. That's not his (or your) "fault". It just is what it is. And it is a good thing (albeit painful) to find this out after just 5 months rather than 5 years. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 18, 2023 5:07:05 GMT -5
I am in agreement with pretty much everything my fellow ILIASM members have posted above. My contribution to the discussion would be to have his testosterone checked along with perhaps his thyroid. At 45 his T levels could be on the low side resulting in low desire. This would be an easy fix with testosterone suppliments. I can testify to their effectiveness on a mans libido. If he checks out hormonily as OK then you are back to mismatched libidos. If you want to continue on with this man, that leaves you with the decision to suck it up, and rely on the toys to address your sexual relief, or add another partner into the mix.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2023 5:38:27 GMT -5
While worksforme2's suggestion to have his t-level and thyroid level checked is good in that problems with either can cause low libido, your man doesn't seem troubled by his low libido. To me, that indicates that he never has been a sexual person. This is just the way he is. My experience has been that men who love sex will seek help if their libidos drop. They don't feel like men if they aren't sexual. At least that's the way my post-SM partner has been. He'd always been a high-libido person, but when his libido dropped, he saw his doctor, got his t-level tested, started taking testosterone, and uses Cialis, too. He wasn't even involved in a relationship then. He did it because he didn't feel like himself. I've also seen a doctor when my libido dropped even when I was sexless in a sexless marriage. I didn't feel like myself. Thus, I think if you have to push your low libido man to get checked out, he's probably just not a sexual person and is happy with being low libido. Thus, he's not compatible with you, a high-libido person.His lack of sexual interest isn't your fault nor is it something you can change. You can set yourself free to find a partner who is sexually compatible.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 18, 2023 8:39:48 GMT -5
The only thing you can change is you.
You can choose to end the relationship because it doesnt meet your needs.
You can choose to continue the relationship, valuing it over your needs. In this community, you would hear that this doesn't end well.
You can choose to stay in the relationship and get your needs met elsewhere.
Choosing to "help" him thinking you are working on the relationship is not likely to work either.
Thats my read if you are interested.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 24, 2023 6:36:49 GMT -5
Everyone covered most everything. My concern is that worksforme2 is suggesting asking a new guy (five months is new) to change his biochemistry for you could be seen as pretty hardcore. You're dating. Is he insisting on monogamy? Are you? Is a terrific fella only right for you if he's your only man? Have you looked into polyamory at all? Frankly, a woman with touch as a strong love language shouldn't be wasted on a monogamous relationship with this one guy. It'd be a loss for humanity. If you've not considered the possibility, this may be a good start: www.multiamory.com/podcast/are-you-readyListen to the podcast or read the transcript, whichever you prefer. I read the transcript and can understand it seeming intimidating, but if the idea strikes you as plausibly a good option, listening to their other podcasts better cover the joyous possibilities of having multiple intimate friendships so no one person has to be everything to you, because they can't. Monogamy is a decision to do without. And that's fine. The problem is that everyone is expected to be okay with that and divorce rates and infidelity rates demonstrate it just isn't so. Polyandry is uncommon, but I suspect it'd help mankind a lot to be encouraged. As long as your guy thinks you're terrific too and sees caging you up is a bad (doomed?) idea. maybe that's a plan? OTOH, maybe you, like so many, are absolutely dead set on the Cinderella story of soulmates forever and this is a non-starter. If so, I'm with the others, you're hoping to win in life when your first roll with this guy was snake-eyes. You're starting the marathon with a pebble in your shoe. Sample from the transcript:
Jase: All right, number four is that you realize that you will probably make mistakes and you understand that that's part of the learning process and part of that is learning to be kind to yourself. In moments of distress, when you are freaking out or you feel like you screwed something up, understand that that's normal that mistakes are going to happen. That's true of anything, not just to polyamory, but mistakes are going to happen and if you can accept that, I think it can help you be a lot kinder to yourself and help that transition go more easily.
Emily: Yes. Oh man. This is a tough one because I think definitely I'm accustomed to really beating myself over the head of, "You did this wrong, how dare you," kind of thing as opposed to being understanding of the fact that things go wrong sometimes and you just have to roll with the punches and know that you'll do better next time. I agree with you though that yes, this is an incredibly important skill to have. Again, if you don't, I don't know, I'm still working on this one for sure. It's been a lifelong journey. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 24, 2023 7:31:54 GMT -5
While worksforme2's suggestion to have his t-level and thyroid level checked is good in that problems with either can cause low libido, your man doesn't seem troubled by his low libido. To me, that indicates that he never has been a sexual person. This is just the way he is. My experience has been that men who love sex will seek help if their libidos drop. They don't feel like men if they aren't sexual. At least that's the way my post-SM partner has been. He'd always been a high-libido person, but when his libido dropped, he saw his doctor, got his t-level tested, started taking testosterone, and uses Cialis, too. He wasn't even involved in a relationship then. He did it because he didn't feel like himself. I've also seen a doctor when my libido dropped even when I was sexless in a sexless marriage. I didn't feel like myself. Thus, I think if you have to push your low libido man to get checked out, he's probably just not a sexual person and is happy with being low libido. Thus, he's not compatible with you, a high-libido person.His lack of sexual interest isn't your fault nor is it something you can change. You can set yourself free to find a partner who is sexually compatible. It could well be that he has always been low libido. If that is the case then he may well not recognise his condition for what it is. He may think he is perfectly normal and that it is his W who is over active. I am just speculating but if he doesn't have period in his life where he was very sexually active then he would have no reason to think his testosterone may be low or his level of lack of desire for sex was not normal. |
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Post by h on Apr 26, 2023 4:34:02 GMT -5
I'm going to be honest here. As much as you may care for and love this person for a multitude of other qualities, do NOT get married. It's probably 99% certain that it won't improve. He's not a sexual person. Maybe he's got trauma in his past or a history of abuse or maybe just a medical condition that interferes with his sex drive, but the bottom line is that he doesn't think it's important enough to work on. If you need sex frequently, you're going to have to find a new man or come to an agreement with him that you get sex elsewhere.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 26, 2023 10:41:47 GMT -5
I'm going to go out on a weak limb here and assume this is authentic. As much as I like sex, and even though one way or another I usually get off every day, being with someone who required sex every day would be...concerning. This would apply even if I were in my 20's. In my mid to late 40's, it would almost be a deal breaker. You talk about being "tore apart" by rejection, but you aren't being rejected if you are having sex twice a week. It also doesn't make sense that you are in self-esteem peril but the relationship is deep and psychologically healthy. If the former is true, then the latter isn't. As those above have pointed out, the only real solutions here are to try and find someone who has libido to match yours, or talk about opening the relationship.
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Post by heelots on Apr 27, 2023 3:15:02 GMT -5
Would sex every other day be an acceptable frequency? In my 20's I would have preferred daily, but now at 61 every other day would due just fine.
So is your preferred frequency at least daily, or better still like twice daily, morning and evening?
I recall telling my wife I wanted twice a day in the first days of our marriage and I recall her damn near passing out at just the idea! 🤣
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