Post by merrygoround on Apr 13, 2017 20:18:18 GMT -5
I've been reading regularly here for a good few months now and tonight as i can't sleep again, I've finally decided to take the plunge and join. I guess i just want to get it out somewhere before i implode. I am not sure where to start really and worried that it will all come out in a rush, venting and making me feel bitter and resentful - feelings i try to manage so often and push them down.
Let's see, early forties, married 20 yes with kids. Red flags early on - he's quite a bit older - second marriage for him. His first wife left him after having an affair. I am his second sexual partner. Seems telling. The quoted "celibate marriage" stats of 10 times or less happened very early in the marriage. Even in my early 20s i did all i could - i tried to interest him with different activities, even very nice lingerie - his reaction was "no need to dress like a prostitute" to interest me. I can't even describe how crushed i felt at this. The pain was physical. My best friend and even her husband could not believe that he would not be interested in me - they reassured how attractive i was and he must be crazy - i was funny and outgoing, caring , always making everything nice for everyone. There was always an excuse. He was always stressed with work - anything really that was on his mind was a block to physical intimacy. I always explained that my view was a good roll in the sack was a great destresser. Nope.
Fast forward to my mid 30s and it was still going on - maybe once every few months or so - little if any foreplay, same position. I became depressed and anxious and afraid to say reliant on alcohol which i overcame and have been completely sober for almost 5 years. Therapy helped. A lot was discussed then on why, what was behind it all. I had an emotional online affair on and off for a couple years and I thought yes, finally someone who makes me feel amazing and wanted - that went wrong though as we were both pretty messed up at the time. Again, i discussed this with my therapist who informed me that the online affair was just supplying something that was missing. We almost split up - but yes, the kids. He would not sell or move or consider the kids going with me. I felt so stuck and suicidal with everything that happened. Fast forward to 2013 and we decide to finally give it another go - he was like a dog on heat. No lie - 2 weeks of sex everyday. Now i think he was just re-marking his territory. As since then, it's gone back to just the way it's always been. 2014 his mother becomes very sick - after several months in hospital, see is moved in with us. Completely debilitated and required round the clock care. I became her primary care giver. I endured violence and abuse (she couldn't help it really, it was her illness) but we didn't have a life outside of hospital or home for over two years and i dealt with stuff no husband really should want their wife to deal with - but i did. The kids suffered - they hated seeing me in that position, but i carried on. I guess i felt I owed him as he stood by me when i got off the booze . I don't know. Funny thing is, even with the exhaustion, i was still desiring sexual intimacy. Of course, he was stressed with what was happening. She finally passed away and here i am thinking - probably stupidly - that maybe with time to ourselves now, kids growing we can finally have a proper marriage. No - ive even been keeping a record finally. I note down every time there's an attempt , successful or not. What is it termed? Reset sex? I have initiated so many talks on the subject, always difficult. I have asked we go to counseling, he doesn't want to. I asked him to go to the docs to be checked out - he says if he can get an erection and he masturbated successfully recently then it obviously all works ok.
There is so much more in these 20 years but i guess i should leave the there for now. I am told i am young for my age, good looking, fun - he likes cuddles and kisses. I have been scared to join as he always wants to know what i am up to online - i have no social media and keep in contact with friends via email or chat - Facebook was a nightmare as he would always comment negatively on something somebody would post. It's only the last few years i have had my own email account. He calls it having transparency. Any time my phone goes, he wants details. I tell him all the time, check yourself any time. I had nothing to hide. The kids certainly pick up my phone enough.
Well i am just so worn down with it now. My parents have said to me that sex is not everything in a marriage. Of course it's not everything - but it's bloody important to me. Bit of a joke knowing that they are still very active and they're in their early 70s. I think now as the kids get older they notice the cracks. I have to say i have a better relationship with them.
I am sorry i have gone on for far too long. Can't sleep lol and we just had a bit of a bickering session where i said there is no way we are sliding down the totem pole of priorities any further. We are currently at the hospital several times a week as an older family member of his is very ill.
I just seem to find myself getting to that don't care stage where i shut down and switch off. I can't do much more time like this.
Again, sorry for going on too long.
Let's see, early forties, married 20 yes with kids. Red flags early on - he's quite a bit older - second marriage for him. His first wife left him after having an affair. I am his second sexual partner. Seems telling. The quoted "celibate marriage" stats of 10 times or less happened very early in the marriage. Even in my early 20s i did all i could - i tried to interest him with different activities, even very nice lingerie - his reaction was "no need to dress like a prostitute" to interest me. I can't even describe how crushed i felt at this. The pain was physical. My best friend and even her husband could not believe that he would not be interested in me - they reassured how attractive i was and he must be crazy - i was funny and outgoing, caring , always making everything nice for everyone. There was always an excuse. He was always stressed with work - anything really that was on his mind was a block to physical intimacy. I always explained that my view was a good roll in the sack was a great destresser. Nope.
Fast forward to my mid 30s and it was still going on - maybe once every few months or so - little if any foreplay, same position. I became depressed and anxious and afraid to say reliant on alcohol which i overcame and have been completely sober for almost 5 years. Therapy helped. A lot was discussed then on why, what was behind it all. I had an emotional online affair on and off for a couple years and I thought yes, finally someone who makes me feel amazing and wanted - that went wrong though as we were both pretty messed up at the time. Again, i discussed this with my therapist who informed me that the online affair was just supplying something that was missing. We almost split up - but yes, the kids. He would not sell or move or consider the kids going with me. I felt so stuck and suicidal with everything that happened. Fast forward to 2013 and we decide to finally give it another go - he was like a dog on heat. No lie - 2 weeks of sex everyday. Now i think he was just re-marking his territory. As since then, it's gone back to just the way it's always been. 2014 his mother becomes very sick - after several months in hospital, see is moved in with us. Completely debilitated and required round the clock care. I became her primary care giver. I endured violence and abuse (she couldn't help it really, it was her illness) but we didn't have a life outside of hospital or home for over two years and i dealt with stuff no husband really should want their wife to deal with - but i did. The kids suffered - they hated seeing me in that position, but i carried on. I guess i felt I owed him as he stood by me when i got off the booze . I don't know. Funny thing is, even with the exhaustion, i was still desiring sexual intimacy. Of course, he was stressed with what was happening. She finally passed away and here i am thinking - probably stupidly - that maybe with time to ourselves now, kids growing we can finally have a proper marriage. No - ive even been keeping a record finally. I note down every time there's an attempt , successful or not. What is it termed? Reset sex? I have initiated so many talks on the subject, always difficult. I have asked we go to counseling, he doesn't want to. I asked him to go to the docs to be checked out - he says if he can get an erection and he masturbated successfully recently then it obviously all works ok.
There is so much more in these 20 years but i guess i should leave the there for now. I am told i am young for my age, good looking, fun - he likes cuddles and kisses. I have been scared to join as he always wants to know what i am up to online - i have no social media and keep in contact with friends via email or chat - Facebook was a nightmare as he would always comment negatively on something somebody would post. It's only the last few years i have had my own email account. He calls it having transparency. Any time my phone goes, he wants details. I tell him all the time, check yourself any time. I had nothing to hide. The kids certainly pick up my phone enough.
Well i am just so worn down with it now. My parents have said to me that sex is not everything in a marriage. Of course it's not everything - but it's bloody important to me. Bit of a joke knowing that they are still very active and they're in their early 70s. I think now as the kids get older they notice the cracks. I have to say i have a better relationship with them.
I am sorry i have gone on for far too long. Can't sleep lol and we just had a bit of a bickering session where i said there is no way we are sliding down the totem pole of priorities any further. We are currently at the hospital several times a week as an older family member of his is very ill.
I just seem to find myself getting to that don't care stage where i shut down and switch off. I can't do much more time like this.
Again, sorry for going on too long.
