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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 13:58:34 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround very sorry to read your story. Mine has been quite similar in many ways. Although the promised counselling never happened. I've had 28 years of similar behaviour. Sure, sex isnt everything but it sure helps. And its very demeaning to be told you are not attractive as in my case. Fortunately this forum is helping me get stronger, but both of us are dealing with a form of control, because by demeaning our confidence stops us in our tracks. You maybe like me too, have an incredible dislike for confrontation, which is where a polite conversation with my 'other half' always ends. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well, and reassure you, it isnt you. Oh, and mine is always defining cheating. Apparently what I am doing now on here, would fit that definition. As would be sending messages via text and so on. It makes me laugh inside. Anyway, please be strong and stay safe too Hello Lonely. Thank you for posting this. In fact, i have just been reading your introduction thread and found similarities too. It isn't you either! And by the way, the cruel comment of you not being attractive is utter BS. Whether they insult you with words, or through their actions, denial, rejection to keep you exactly where they want you, it all ends up the same - destroys self esteem and a mere shadow of former self. Take heart, friend. Yes, he never liked to see me in any form of contact in any way - even with female friends and always asking questions, or as he put it "transparency" - another form of control it seems you and i have in common. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 14:02:56 GMT -5
Ha i mentioned emotional neglect/abuse yesterday for how i was feeling - how this has made me feel during our marriage. He couldn't take that on board at all, even me relationship to all the symptoms. Just said "for god's sake, what have you been googling now?". Just not being taken seriously at all. I am glad that you are seeing the truth of his selfish manipulative control through his actions and words. I am deeply sorry that you are having to go through this! A positive way to look at this : With every conversation where you no longer lay still and take his Bullshit, you are exposing the truth. The FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) has been lifted. He obviously fears you being informed, and standing up to him. His control and power is crumbling. (hell is coming to breakfast) The closer you drag him to the door, the more he will fight it. Reading all that you have to say, there is many more everyday marriage problems that revolve around his manipulative controlling behavior. The intimacy and sex are just half of the pie. Absolutely Greatcoastal and something that was covered in depth when i went into therapy several years ago. Probably why he is refusing to do anything about it as the truth will out, as they say. He wanted to talk again today but i am just not ready for it - i am to the point i think of jotting things down lol so i don't get side tracked and drowned out with words. I need a clear head to approach the inevitable discussion as getting to this point now, i need to think very clearly - i cant go backwards. As you said, the FOG is lifting. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 18, 2017 16:21:50 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround, thanks very much, you are 100% right we have alot in common, or should I say, our abusers do. I'm going to read your threads some more too, thanks for connecting with me, really helps. I cant stay on here long right now, I'll be back in 8 or 9 hours and have a good look :-)
I'm sorry we are both suffering all this
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 19, 2017 2:09:23 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround, I've had a longer read this morning, so, lets get this straight, you are not the fool. This guy has a younger woman who enjoys sex, still has her figure, cooks dinner too. Who is the fool ? Its not you.
Thats a feeling I suffer as well, so I also know, that despite being told you are not one, you will still feel you are one, just as I do, whenever all this rears its head (its a daily event, in my mind at least). I dont even discuss the no-sex subject anymore, its a complete waste of time as just causes an instantaneous argument with no satisfactory outcome, well not for me anyway. As said earlier possibly in another thread, I dont even fancy her anymore anyway. For several years, I thought it was a post childbirth reaction and desire would return. On reflection I was being at best optomistic.At worst, a fool. There I go again. I've decided I must plan to leave. Or should I say, plan to divide everything up and go our separate ways. Thats easily said too. I tried to talk about doing that a couple of years ago, and was told things would get very unpleasant, and very expensive. I'm less materialistic these days, the wealthy are after all, no better off dead than the poor. Besides, what is 'wealth' anyway. For me, wealth is being with a woman who loves and lusts for me, and I for her to the moon and back, and carries on doing so. I dont think thats an impossible dream, because I have met couples in their 70's who still clearly love and lust for each other. Lucky people. Hugh Heffner manages it. Haha. I've drifted off-topic, sorry. Your comments touched me greatly last night and I wanted to respond. Thank you. Oh, and crying. I've done alot of that too. I've become a wreck. Give me a soppy film or something touching and I have to bite the inside of my mouth so hard until the pain distracts me from the emotion.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2017 9:59:43 GMT -5
Hi Merrygoround, I'm late to this thread, I'm just back after two days away. You strike me as a wonderful, decent, human being. I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. As others have said, your husband is a controller; it's a distressingly common characteristic (my wife is a controller) but not one that you have ANY responsibility for redressing. You are responsible for your behaviour and he is SOLELY responsible for his - not you, not even a little bit. I don't know where I came across it but I found an article saying that if you are going to find yourself in an unhappy marriage then chances are you have the 3Ns - Nice, Naive and Non-confrontational. I had the set - what about you? I would not / could not do anything about the first two and struggled with the latter. Like you I didn't like rocking the boat and didn't, right up to the point where I stood up, stepped over the side and started swimming for the unknown shore. I'm almost there, struggling in the surf but almost there. Whatever you choose to do you'll find many, many supportive friends here. All the best I found the three N's. shrink4men.com/2015/12/22/relationship-stages-with-a-narcissist-or-borderline-and-triangulation/ |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 6, 2017 9:51:01 GMT -5
I love going back to original posts like these and seeing all the progress that you made!
Also seeing the wonderful support that was given to you by so many. (you deserve all of it!)
Congratulations to both of you, and your families!
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shes2hot4me
New Member
all the things that I used to know, have gone out the window
Posts: 7 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by shes2hot4me on Aug 6, 2017 10:04:38 GMT -5
I'm sorry you have found yourself here but I'm glad you posted your story. If you are still attracted to your husband and love him then I reccomend you lay your cards on the table and tell him that the marriage is in crisis, you need him to go to counseling, you need to have good enthusiastic sex that includes x, y and z or else divorce is inevitable. Whether you mean it or not say it. I regret not saying it sooner to try a different way to try to fix my marriage. You need to scare him. See how he reacts that should be telling. Then do what you want with that information. Bottom line at your young age you should be having plenty of sex. If he won't give it to you then there are plenty of men that will. Welcome to the club no one wants to be in. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2017 14:55:10 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround very sorry to read your story. Mine has been quite similar in many ways. Although the promised counselling never happened. I've had 28 years of similar behaviour. Sure, sex isnt everything but it sure helps. And its very demeaning to be told you are not attractive as in my case. Fortunately this forum is helping me get stronger, but both of us are dealing with a form of control, because by demeaning our confidence stops us in our tracks. You maybe like me too, have an incredible dislike for confrontation, which is where a polite conversation with my 'other half' always ends. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well, and reassure you, it isnt you. Oh, and mine is always defining cheating. Apparently what I am doing now on here, would fit that definition. As would be sending messages via text and so on. It makes me laugh inside. Anyway, please be strong and stay safe too Hello Lonely. Thank you for posting this. In fact, i have just been reading your introduction thread and found similarities too. It isn't you either! And by the way, the cruel comment of you not being attractive is utter BS. Whether they insult you with words, or through their actions, denial, rejection to keep you exactly where they want you, it all ends up the same - destroys self esteem and a mere shadow of former self. Take heart, friend. Yes, he never liked to see me in any form of contact in any way - even with female friends and always asking questions, or as he put it "transparency" - another form of control it seems you and i have in common. And, so it began...Congrats, you two...Enjoy each other.  |
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Post by merrygoround on Aug 7, 2017 15:56:03 GMT -5
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2017 16:29:10 GMT -5
I just happened to spot it. But I do know exactly when I "met" my lady online as well. One interesting aspect of meeting someone on this forum, especially the early PMs. It's amazing how much we've healed each other. I suspect you and lonely will be same. |
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