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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 17, 2017 12:10:40 GMT -5
How long do you plan on waiting for an appointment? I hope you see an attorney this week.
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Post by lyn on Apr 17, 2017 12:42:09 GMT -5
He may have "offered" to have his testosterone checked. That's nice (sarcasm). Why has he not had it checked before now? SOMETIME during the past 20 years perhaps?
He knows you have one foot out the door. The motivation for any of his half-assed attempts at this point is purely based on fear. Probably some deep rooted fear of abandonment (prob has a narcissistic mother). The conversation in the garden? Telling you he 'can't do this without you'? Trying to shackle you with your own guilt.
My H reminds me of yours a great deal (based on your comments). In this situation, our kindness is probably a weakness, sad as that is.
I hope you can nap in the garden soon. Enjoy the sunshine without laying in the shadow he creates, repeatedly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 17, 2017 12:50:41 GMT -5
Take the song "Fascination" and replace it with MANIPULATION. (yes, I am a Nat King Cole fan)
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 17, 2017 14:43:44 GMT -5
Hi, merrygoround,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. One thing for certain: don't ever feel like you've "went on too long" in a post! When most of us open the flood gates of emotion, I'm sure we could write novels!
seabr33z3 is right; he wants to control the situation so that it will forever "look good on paper". That is one gigantic reason...ONLY reason why controlling individuals won't go to therapy. Bad exposure.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 17, 2017 16:36:45 GMT -5
He may have "offered" to have his testosterone checked. That's nice (sarcasm). Why has he not had it checked before now? SOMETIME during the past 20 years perhaps? He knows you have one foot out the door. The motivation for any of his half-assed attempts at this point is purely based on fear. Probably some deep rooted fear of abandonment (prob has a narcissistic mother). The conversation in the garden? Telling you he 'can't do this without you'? Trying to shackle you with your own guilt. My H reminds me of yours a great deal (based on your comments). In this situation, our kindness is probably a weakness, sad as that is. I hope you can nap in the garden soon. Enjoy the sunshine without laying in the shadow he creates, repeatedly. Yeah, going to the doctor for "medical issues" after you ask for a divorce is kinda bullshit. My wife played same thing on me. What about the previous 20 years? |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 0:15:08 GMT -5
I feel utterly conned. I'm shaking, nauseous and so much for promising myself no more tears shed openly - i think i spent most of yesterday crying.
If you read up-thread you will know i took care of his sick mother until her death. It involved some intensive (and often invasive -make of this what you will) nursing on my part when she was bedridden for months. All this, being on hand for 24 hours per day, all the while running the home and kids. Ithought i had gotten over the resentment during our "let's work on us, start at zero" times. Turns out even though i was basically slaving away, wasting away myself during all of this - and not applying pressure on him due to his stress with the situation AND still being available to him, he was masturbating in the shower! His reason? Well you did say once that mum was downstairs? Excuse me? We had a baby monitor in our room for a while to hear her - and she was very noisy, with me getting up during the night for bedpans and nappy changes.
I have no problems with masturbation! But when you do that instead of doing me???
He said if we're in this together then he wants me to go with him to the doctor for his testosterone check. Otherwise, what's the point?
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Post by unmatched on Apr 18, 2017 0:49:05 GMT -5
Otherwise, what's the point? That last sentence makes no sense at all. Unless of course he is not actually interested in the outcome, he just wants to find some way to show you he is doing something. I guess he is probably hoping against hope the doctor will tell him he last low testosterone and some weird medical condition that means he can't do anything about it. And if not, there have been a quite a few people on this site whose partners have been prescribed one medication or other and then found a reason not to take it. The question is, how much do you care at this point? Even if he has a solid, 100% cast iron reason that puts him totally and utterly in the right and lets him off the hook completely - does it really make any difference? |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 18, 2017 1:51:36 GMT -5
Hi Merrygoround,
I'm sorry to hear that you feel you've been conned; it's no consolation, but if you have been, you're in good company here!
"If we're in this together" - it strikes me, as it has struck others here already, that he knows now that things are near a crisis and he's still trying to 'rope' you into the situation but actually, this is a situation largely of his making and now it's up to him to sort out - not you.
He is responsible for his behaviour towards you, only him, no one else. He has to accept that responsibility
Best wishes
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 2:44:25 GMT -5
Otherwise, what's the point? That last sentence makes no sense at all. Unless of course he is not actually interested in the outcome, he just wants to find some way to show you he is doing something. I guess he is probably hoping against hope the doctor will tell him he last low testosterone and some weird medical condition that means he can't do anything about it. And if not, there have been a quite a few people on this site whose partners have been prescribed one medication or other and then found a reason not to take it. The question is, how much do you care at this point? Even if he has a solid, 100% cast iron reason that puts him totally and utterly in the right and lets him off the hook completely - does it really make any difference? He wanted me to be with him to help answer any questions the doc might have?? At that point i said look, do this for you, for your own health and wellbeing. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 2:48:27 GMT -5
Hi Merrygoround, I'm sorry to hear that you feel you've been conned; it's no consolation, but if you have been, you're in good company here! "If we're in this together" - it strikes me, as it has struck others here already, that he knows now that things are near a crisis and he's still trying to 'rope' you into the situvation but actually, this is a situation largely of his making and now it's up to him to sort out - not you. He is responsible for his behaviour towards you, only him, no one else. He has to accept that responsibility Best wishes To be honest, unless he totally surprises me by going alone, i get the distinct impression he wont go unless i do too. During the chat/argument last night he said he thought we had drawn a line under the past and that therapy would only drag that up again, leading to a poor outcome anyway. He wanted a hug from me this morning and asked if it was too soon? I said to be honest, I'm just trying to stop myself from throwing up at the moment. I'm not pregnant. At least I've got that going for me  |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 18, 2017 4:02:46 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. What you seem to be saying here is that you are pushing him away when he attempts to be affectionate.Understandable as it leads to rejection and or feelings of rejection when you attempt to crank things up a little. In his mind you are rejecting him, but in yours, affection should naturally lead somewhere at least some of the time. He makes you feel like the bad guy, but in reality it's like you presenting a flashy new car to him outside your front door, all wrapped in a big ribbon. You hand him the keys and allow him to get in. He savours the smell of the leather upholstery and anticipates the smooth ride as he caresses the steering wheel. As he goes to put the key in the ignition you say " oh no! It's not for driving!! " Occasionally you might allow him to start up the engine just to hear it purr. On a good day you might even allow him to rev up that engine. But you make sure that the handbrake stays firmly on.... TBH it is beginning to look like there is nothing he could do now to fix things. What they don't realise is the utter devastation they cause at a very deep level. All those previous years " the past", just can't be brushed away. They are part of what has created today's situation. One question...if he went to the doctor, found his testosterone was low ( doesn't account for his one sexual position IMO) took the drugs and suddenly became a passionate, considerate, uninhibited lover, how would that thought make you feel? Nauseated ( my case) or delighted to have resolved the issues and an onward and upward approach from here on in? |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 4:57:51 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. What you seem to be saying here is that you are pushing him away when he attempts to be affectionate.Understandable aa it leads to rejection and or feelings of rejection when you attempt to crank things up a little. In his mind you are rejecting him, but in yours, affection should naturally lead somewhere at least some of the time. He makes you feel like the bad guy, but in reality it's like you presenting a flashy new car to him outside your front door, all wrapped in a big ribbon. You hand him the keys and allow him to get in. He savours the smell of the leather unpholstry and anticipates the smooth ride as he caresses the steering wheel. As he goes to put the key in the ignition you say " oh no! It's not for driving!! " Occasionally you might allow him to start up the engine just to hear it purr. On a good day you might even allow him to rev up that engine. But you make sure that the handbrake stays firmly on.... TBH it is beginning to look like there is nothing he could do now to fix things. What they don't realise is the utter devastation they cause at a very deep level. All those previous years " the past", just can't be brushed away. They are part of what has created today's situation. One question...if he went to the doctor, found his testosterone was low ( doesn't account for his one sexual position IMO) took the drugs and suddenly became a passionate, considerate, uninhibited lover, how would that thought make you feel? Nauseated ( my case) or delighted to have resolved the issues and an onward and upward approach from here on in? Hello Seabr33z3, What i am feeling now, from initiating that conversation some days ago where i could see the cycle repeating itself (for the umpteenth time) is that it has always been on his terms, that yes of course in the past i welcomed signs of affection - the hugs, kisses. However that rarely turned into anything and i couldn't paper over that fact that it made me desperately unhappy. This time, with this particular ongoing "talk", more is coming out from him and in my mind, too little too late. If he took medication, presuming it was needed and became that generous lover that I've never had, i would think what a fucking waste of over 20 years. This time around there is just something i can't ever see myself getting over. Believe me, I've been no angel - online affair - but I'm sick of trying to restart something which is clearly very broken and in my mind, now, too late to fix. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 5:00:17 GMT -5
Ha i mentioned emotional neglect/abuse yesterday for how i was feeling - how this has made me feel during our marriage. He couldn't take that on board at all, even me relationship to all the symptoms. Just said "for god's sake, what have you been googling now?". Just not being taken seriously at all.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 18, 2017 6:38:42 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround
very sorry to read your story. Mine has been quite similar in many ways. Although the promised counselling never happened. I've had 28 years of similar behaviour. Sure, sex isnt everything but it sure helps. And its very demeaning to be told you are not attractive as in my case. Fortunately this forum is helping me get stronger, but both of us are dealing with a form of control, because by demeaning our confidence stops us in our tracks. You maybe like me too, have an incredible dislike for confrontation, which is where a polite conversation with my 'other half' always ends. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well, and reassure you, it isnt you.
Oh, and mine is always defining cheating. Apparently what I am doing now on here, would fit that definition. As would be sending messages via text and so on. It makes me laugh inside. Anyway, please be strong and stay safe too
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 18, 2017 6:42:06 GMT -5
Ha i mentioned emotional neglect/abuse yesterday for how i was feeling - how this has made me feel during our marriage. He couldn't take that on board at all, even me relationship to all the symptoms. Just said "for god's sake, what have you been googling now?". Just not being taken seriously at all. I am glad that you are seeing the truth of his selfish manipulative control through his actions and words. I am deeply sorry that you are having to go through this! A positive way to look at this : With every conversation where you no longer lay still and take his Bullshit, you are exposing the truth. The FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) has been lifted. He obviously fears you being informed, and standing up to him. His control and power is crumbling. (hell is coming to breakfast) The closer you drag him to the door, the more he will fight it. Reading all that you have to say, there is many more everyday marriage problems that revolve around his manipulative controlling behavior. The intimacy and sex are just half of the pie. |
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