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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 21:38:03 GMT -5
Another thing - i kinda feel guilty writing about him. I guess this is normal to start with? It's silly because seeing it here in black and white, i see how unreasonable it is. Like the "transparency" thing he has, he thinks it's disloyal to talk about issues elsewhere. But you're right, i have to almost retrain myself and do this for me. Nobody else will. And this isn't what i want my kids to follow. If it's the truth, then there's no reason to feel guilty. *YOU* are the victim here!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 21:47:49 GMT -5
Copernicus - sounds pathetic i know, but we will be at the hospital attending to his family member. Another thing - i kinda feel guilty writing about him. I guess this is normal to start with? It's silly because seeing it here in black and white, i see how unreasonable it is. Like the "transparency" thing he has, he thinks it's disloyal to talk about issues elsewhere. But you're right, i have to almost retrain myself and do this for me. Nobody else will. And this isn't what i want my kids to follow. Throw it right back at him. " I am being transparent, it's all true, I have nothing to hide. You are the one afraid of facing the truth." It will go in one ear and out the other. You are taking a major step toward gaining your freedom. If you don't quit, you can't loose. Are you fearful of any violent retaliation from him? |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 13, 2017 21:55:29 GMT -5
No, he has never been violent towards me at all. I don't have any fear of that. He says he loves me so much but i mainly think he has a fear of losing what he worked so hard for - the home and life he has. Really sometimes it gets to the stage where i think sod it all, he can have it all and i just leave.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 21:57:50 GMT -5
Glad that you're safe. You've found a 'safe place' here as well...
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 13, 2017 22:00:05 GMT -5
Thank you so much.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 22:00:51 GMT -5
No, he has never been violent towards me at all. I don't have any fear of that. He says he loves me so much but i mainly think he has a fear of losing what he worked so hard for - the home and life he has. Really sometimes it gets to the stage where i think sod it all, he can have it all and i just leave. Fear not, sweet lady! He can have all of his self absorbing, childish, manipulative, behavior. While you have the law on your side. Twenty years here in the USA gives you life long alimony and most likely an even 50/50 split. Your cup is more than half full. You, and the family would get a fresh new start. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 13, 2017 22:03:50 GMT -5
I would have to do some research as I'm not in the USA.
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Post by baza on Apr 13, 2017 22:26:05 GMT -5
I would have to do some research as I'm not in the USA. A basic thing to do is to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you. Whether you act on that advice is entirely your own business, but to make a fully informed choice about your longer term best interests, you MUST have this information. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 13, 2017 23:27:06 GMT -5
Lol that made me laugh Copernicus. I wonder if DARVO is quite similar to a behaviour he displays with me. He will say something that clearly upsets me or idisagree with, so when i challenge him on his unreasonable behaviour, he becomes upset at my reaction, not what he said/did to cause it. I wonder i have any tongue left sometimes when I've bitten on it so many times ! Welcome merrygoround Respect for your Courage to Posting. Besides DARVO there is also I learned here F.O.G. FEAR OBLIGATION GUILT - classic tactics the H or W will use against you. And may I add also two concepts: FEAR based living vs. OBJECTIVE based living. To use me as an example, what is motivating my behavior, fear of economic insecurity? Fear of being alone? Or am I aiming at an objective for example being in a loving normal couple with INTIMACY (of which sex a part)? Lots and lots of good folks and advice and wisdom in all these threads here. Amen. |
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Post by lyn on Apr 13, 2017 23:57:08 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround I feel like I know you. I'm sorry, but, you're way too nice for your own good. He needs to get checked out physically. I bet his testosterone is super low. My H refuses to get checked - he's also days from being "left". If you want to stay in the marriage, and, there are plenty of pluses in the "positives" column, then, TELL HIM you're going to leave him unless he gets his sh*t together. Very very few sexless marriages turnaround. Give him the opportunity to fix it, if you want to. Otherwise, start planning your exit - life is short. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 14, 2017 0:24:55 GMT -5
Copernicus - sounds pathetic i know, but we will be at the hospital attending to his family member. Another thing - i kinda feel guilty writing about him. I guess this is normal to start with? It's silly because seeing it here in black and white, i see how unreasonable it is. Like the "transparency" thing he has, he thinks it's disloyal to talk about issues elsewhere. But you're right, i have to almost retrain myself and do this for me. Nobody else will. And this isn't what i want my kids to follow. It does feel weird starting to talk about it. But I think one of the worst aspects of being in a SM is the self-imposed isolation that we all seem to find ourselves in. Starting to open up here is a big step for a lot of people. And if you can find somebody to talk to in real life, that is an even bigger step. Then suddenly the whole situation gains a kind of objective reality. It becomes much easier to see that it is not something unique to your marriage, it is not something that is your fault, it certainly isn't a failure on your part - it is just a shitty situation that you need to find a solution to. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 14, 2017 0:55:17 GMT -5
The one thing that stood out for me in all that you have said was controlling. Greatcoastal rounded it off by adding narcissistic. He won't go to counselling because he knows that he will be exposed for what he is. Perhaps it might be a good thing for him to find what you have written here, horrific as that idea seems. Without being confronted with his behaviour, there is really no reason for it to change.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 4:44:29 GMT -5
Hi there merrygoround. Sorry you have had to find us... but what a good job it is that you have! I'm relating to so much that you have written. You are a good strong woman who has been stuck in a shitty situation. It's so hard when you are such a giving and caring soul to take that step back and say "no more". Things have to change. How and when that happens is down to you because he sure as hell isnt going to make this easy for you. I hope we can help you through this. However long and hard the road is, you are amongst friends here. Some bloody wise ones too.. don't know what I'd do without the gang here giving endless support. We also like a good giggle too  Sending you lots of love and strength from the UK  Xxx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 5:34:28 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround I feel like I know you. I'm sorry, but, you're way too nice for your own good. He needs to get checked out physically. I bet his testosterone is super low. My H refuses to get checked - he's also days from being "left". If you want to stay in the marriage, and, there are plenty of pluses in the "positives" column, then, TELL HIM you're going to leave him unless he gets his sh*t together. Very very few sexless marriages turnaround. Give him the opportunity to fix it, if you want to. Otherwise, start planning your exit - life is short. Set a deadline. Put it in writing/send him texts or emails. Establish boundaries. Then enforce them. Or you will continue down the same destructive path for the rest of your life. How long does it take to get a doctors appointment? Find out the doctors name. Insist to go with him, go in to see the doctor with him. Do not trust him. I have read countless stories of a controller lying to their spouse about this very same topic. Only to be strung along for years. It's not in your nature. I can see that from your story. You have been giving for to long, there's nothing left! Their is nothing wrong with giving AND RECEIVING. Step one. See an attorney. It's scary at first. It took me days just to make a phone call. I worry to much. It was far easier than I expected. Ask a friend to go with you. Step two. Demand he make an appointment. Put it on line. Set a time limit. Hours, a day, maybe. When he fails to do that, hold him accountable. When adults act childish, and selfish, you have to discipline them like a child. Make the appointment for him. Post it on the refrigerator. Send him a text. Hit him in the wallet, charge him the cost when he doesn't go. Tough love, my dear, tough love. Those two words don't sound good together do they? But it's oh so true. The greatest love is a sacrifice. You have done that relentlessly. Give your gift to someone who will give back equally in return. Tough love. I used to give my 6 kids tough love, and than go in my room and bury my head in the dog, and say,"what did I just do? Man I hate that, that is so hard, but I've got to do it!" Then I'd get extra support/love from the dog! (that always helps) No intimacy = no communication. No communication = no trust. No trust = divorce. Divorce = FREEDOM. Knock him off his pedestal. marriage is supposed to be a level playing field. shrink4men.com/2012/04/05/putting-women-on-pedestals-dont-do-it/ |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 6:14:43 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. No he sure as hell doesn't make things easier. For example every so often - perhaps five or six months, i will bring up the sexless topic. It's extremely hard-going to psyche myself up for it in the first place and then knowing yet again how it will go, the excess talking, the fall out. I am left emotionally drained by the whole thing.
Then I'm left thinking it's me, why can't i be happy with the way things are - looks good on paper, good people, great kids, nice home etc. Beat myself up psychologically again and again - then back to the treadmill.
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