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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 6:22:01 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore.
I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better.
My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 6:31:37 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. No he sure as hell doesn't make things easier. For example every so often - perhaps five or six months, i will bring up the sexless topic. It's extremely hard-going to psyche myself up for it in the first place and then knowing yet again how it will go, the excess talking, the fall out. I am left emotionally drained by the whole thing. Then I'm left thinking it's me, why can't i be happy with the way things are - looks good on paper, good people, great kids, nice home etc. Beat myself up psychologically again and again - then back to the treadmill. Put the word "respect" into your thoughts. Then start saying it. "That was dis respectful". "I deserve far more respect than that". "that's my decision, you need to respect that." He will hate it!! He will avoid it and reverse it. Your respect for yourself will start to build more and more. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 6:37:42 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. No he sure as hell doesn't make things easier. For example every so often - perhaps five or six months, i will bring up the sexless topic. It's extremely hard-going to psyche myself up for it in the first place and then knowing yet again how it will go, the excess talking, the fall out. I am left emotionally drained by the whole thing. Then I'm left thinking it's me, why can't i be happy with the way things are - looks good on paper, good people, great kids, nice home etc. Beat myself up psychologically again and again - then back to the treadmill. im a psycher too. And it is exhausting. The fact that we have to psyche ourselves up to even have these conversations highlights how incompatible we are with the other halves. My situation unfortunately looks as shit on paper as it is in real life... so thankfully I have recently let some family and very close friends in on the (almost) full story. They support me fully but STILL it's so hard. This place is my sanctuary where I can tell all in the full knowledge of empathy and compassion. Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL? Somewhere perhaps you can give yourself a little time away from your situation? Xx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 6:41:36 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. See? You apologized!! There's no need too! You are doing a fabulous job at expressing yourself! (when is the last time you heard that?) You deserve a boat load of praise! You deserve to be needed, desired, and cherished, YOU DESERVE THAT! You are seeing through his fake mask. His ploys of re-set with just enough fake intimacy to shut you up and buy some more time. That's what a controller, a taker does. He is giving you a crumb. You have been starved/conditioned for so long you are supposed to treat it like a feast. Like you have done in the past. It's now his problem. You have every right to reject it! He has proven that he can not be trusted. Time to start detaching yourself more and more. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 6:50:53 GMT -5
Eternaloptimism (i must figure out how to insert quotes with my phone) - not really, no. I have tried talking to my parents but they have a huge amount to deal with and see it , i suppose, as that's what some marriages are like. I'm afraid over the years I have been more and more isolated as where we moved to is basically dominated by his family. He wasn't that keen on my friends anyway. There are a couple of people i think i could reach out to, to share. I just don't know. Thank God for here.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 7:07:58 GMT -5
Eternaloptimism (i must figure out how to insert quotes with my phone) - not really, no. I have tried talking to my parents but they have a huge amount to deal with and see it , i suppose, as that's what some marriages are like. I'm afraid over the years I have been more and more isolated as where we moved to is basically dominated by his family. He wasn't that keen on my friends anyway. There are a couple of people i think i could reach out to, to share. I just don't know. Thank God for here. Well, you have us  I lived the first 3 yrs of our relationship in his home town and had no one to call my own there. I wasn't allowed my own friends either. Long story, but I ended up leaving him when our eldest son was just turned one and came back home. After him badgering for 3 1/2 years to get me back I (stupidly in a down moment) got back with him. Fuck. Biggest mistake ever! I felt ever since that as it was me who agreed to get back, I must honour that come hell or high water. Well, the hell and the high water came. And still I stayed. Now I've had my eyes opened I'm working on the split.... he's not accepting it though. But my mind is made up. You will get through this. We all will. Its the the hardest thing ever to think of youself after the years and years of giving and as greatcoastal said being conditioned to be grateful for the miniscule crumbs they throw. But now you need to be kind to yourself. Or you will be stuck like this forever. Its a shitter! xx |
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Post by baza on Apr 14, 2017 7:12:31 GMT -5
The more you write (and you do write well Sister merrygoround ) the more controlling boxes get ticked. Classic controllers - Isolate you from your friends - tick (he got that one out of the way early) Isolate you from your family - tick Isolate you by physical distance from friends and family - tick Closely monitor who you contact - tick Utilize DARVO tactics on the occassions you might discuss issues - tick You see, if you had some level headed good close friends / family, they might be able to see straight through his bullshit charade and mebbe they'd point out to you just what an arsehole he is. That might completely overturn the applecart. So he doesn't want you to have a confidante, indeed that would be the last thing he'd want. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 7:28:26 GMT -5
Eternaloptimism (i must figure out how to insert quotes with my phone) - not really, no. I have tried talking to my parents but they have a huge amount to deal with and see it , i suppose, as that's what some marriages are like. I'm afraid over the years I have been more and more isolated as where we moved to is basically dominated by his family. He wasn't that keen on my friends anyway. There are a couple of people i think i could reach out to, to share. I just don't know. Thank God for here. Been there!! We moved to another state 14 yrs ago (I can recall the no sex with the move) close to her family. Zero family for me. Ten years ago her FIL moved in with us. A book that I have highlighted 80% of is called "Boundaries in Marriage". One chapter is about intruders,ie family. A triangle (triangulation) is an intrusion. It becomes two against one. I have added that word "intruder" to my vocabulary when I tell my tale. I am to the point where I tell my FIL "he can get the hell out of here, he has been an intruder for to long". My therapist put it nicely, "he's not going anywhere he knows which side of his bread is buttered." So there's that. He (FIL) even says, "she's the boss." Not surprisingly he left his wife because she is a narcissist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (just some "me too" for you. Hope it makes you feel better!) A marriage is two. You leave your parents to cleave to your spouse. That ain't happening! Thank God for church's near you. Another good place to find support. There are the good and the bad. Like most things. Start asking people. Start taking for yourself. Find yourself a mentor, and you will end up giving much back to that friend. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 14, 2017 8:31:05 GMT -5
Eternaloptimism (i must figure out how to insert quotes with my phone) - not really, no. I have tried talking to my parents but they have a huge amount to deal with and see it , i suppose, as that's what some marriages are like. I'm afraid over the years I have been more and more isolated as where we moved to is basically dominated by his family. He wasn't that keen on my friends anyway. There are a couple of people i think i could reach out to, to share. I just don't know. Thank God for here. go to the message in question that you wish to reply to. Hit the quote button to the top right opposite the poster's name. It brings up a box with their message. Scroll to the end of their message and you will see a [ br ] at the end. Click to the right of this and type. When finished, scroll a little further and you will see a small box saying create post. Click it then another create post button will appear. Click that and you're done. To edit or delete go to the little cog wheel symbol to the top right of your post. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 9:12:00 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. This is a lot for you to take in ! Please stay in touch with us, on a weekly basis! Do one thing for yourself. Stop doing it in your head ,and put it into ACTION. That way it is no longer a burden on your mind. You get to let it go!! Post it, text him, put it on the fridge, name and number. Wash your hands of any blame. (which should not be there in the first place). Take joy in the fact that you went above and beyond. A day later, make the appointment for him. Text him, post it. Sadly, The odds are highly stacked that he will do nothing. G E T R E A D Y for the disappointment, the rejection. Your used to it. You can handle it again, only this time you will have the peace of knowing you reached a turning point. Make it a happy time, go out with the kids and buy them some ice cream. How old are the kids? My 6 are all teenagers. Believe me, they see it, and they get it. Wait till they see you enjoying yourself again, without him. |
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Post by whuffo on Apr 14, 2017 9:38:00 GMT -5
Thank you eternaloptimism. No he sure as hell doesn't make things easier. For example every so often - perhaps five or six months, i will bring up the sexless topic. It's extremely hard-going to psyche myself up for it in the first place and then knowing yet again how it will go, the excess talking, the fall out. I am left emotionally drained by the whole thing. Then I'm left thinking it's me, why can't i be happy with the way things are - looks good on paper, good people, great kids, nice home etc. Beat myself up psychologically again and again - then back to the treadmill. As unfortunate as it is, welcome to our group. We're here for you. And it's insightful that you already mentioned the treadmill that our lives are. We can walk, jog or full out sprint with the incline set at 10, but we are no further along when we step off. That's exactly how our refusers want it. They set the speed and incline and we run our little hearts out until we are out of breath. Knowing that and understanding that is liberating and helps us not run quite so hard the next time they put their finger on the speed button. Again, welcome, and I hope you take away some things from this forum that will help you on your journey, whether it's advice, a laugh, or information to help you learn more about what we are all going through together. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 11:30:36 GMT -5
Lol that made me laugh Copernicus. I wonder if DARVO is quite similar to a behaviour he displays with me. He will say something that clearly upsets me or idisagree with, so when i challenge him on his unreasonable behaviour, he becomes upset at my reaction, not what he said/did to cause it. I wonder i have any tongue left sometimes when I've bitten on it so many times ! Welcome merrygoround Respect for your Courage to Posting. Besides DARVO there is also I learned here F.O.G. FEAR OBLIGATION GUILT - classic tactics the H or W will use against you. And may I add also two concepts: FEAR based living vs. OBJECTIVE based living. To use me as an example, what is motivating my behavior, fear of economic insecurity? Fear of being alone? Or am I aiming at an objective for example being in a loving normal couple with INTIMACY (of which sex a part)? Lots and lots of good folks and advice and wisdom in all these threads here. Amen. Yes, fear comes into it greatly. I am not in my home country, i have no personal income per se - i left my career to raise my three children. Obviously when they were of a certain age, i worked part time. Child care costs being astronomical for three young children at the time. I taught here but sadly that took a back seat when caring for his mother. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 11:32:36 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. See? You apologized!! There's no need too! You are doing a fabulous job at expressing yourself! (when is the last time you heard that?) You deserve a boat load of praise! You deserve to be needed, desired, and cherished, YOU DESERVE THAT! You are seeing through his fake mask. His ploys of re-set with just enough fake intimacy to shut you up and buy some more time. That's what a controller, a taker does. He is giving you a crumb. You have been starved/conditioned for so long you are supposed to treat it like a feast. Like you have done in the past. It's now his problem. You have every right to reject it! He has proven that he can not be trusted. Time to start detaching yourself more and more. Crumbs, yes. Over the years i have likened it to a desert where one is grateful for simply a thimble of water to hydrate enough for a few more steps. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 14, 2017 11:37:16 GMT -5
GreatCoastal, thanks for some excellent points. I am already doing that in my head, so to speak. How many months until another futile attempt, to patch over the cracks - but i cant be that doormat anymore. I am so very patient - it's generally wait and see with me - maybe it will get better. My actions and face though (I'm very expressive and can be read like a book lol) tell a lot. For example, it's been a difficult few days and he's been quite offish (quite understandable) so i had started to pull back, seeing the priorities change and knowing what we are heading for yet again. At first i will do everything to make things good, make things comfortable - but after a while i start to shut down. At this point it's the questions from him on what is bothering me. Then he tries to be affectionate, surprising me with hugging and kisses which at that point i just want to reject. Then it's my problem again. Sorry, I'm not explaining that very well at all. Just makes me feel that i must be going crazy sometimes. This is a lot for you to take in ! Please stay in touch with us, on a weekly basis! Do one thing for yourself. Stop doing it in your head ,and put it into ACTION. That way it is no longer a burden on your mind. You get to let it go!! Post it, text him, put it on the fridge, name and number. Wash your hands of any blame. (which should not be there in the first place). Take joy in the fact that you went above and beyond. A day later, make the appointment for him. Text him, post it. Sadly, The odds are highly stacked that he will do nothing. G E T R E A D Y for the disappointment, the rejection. Your used to it. You can handle it again, only this time you will have the peace of knowing you reached a turning point. Make it a happy time, go out with the kids and buy them some ice cream. How old are the kids? My 6 are all teenagers. Believe me, they see it, and they get it. Wait till they see you enjoying yourself again, without him. My three are all older now, youngest turned 18 recently and all in higher education. I am so grateful for my wonderful relationship with them. We are close and enjoy each others company. I had always wanted to be someone who explains to them the whys and wherefores - something i have often been criticized for by my H who would rather just put his foot down and that's that. I think they see when things aren't quite right as they ask me how i am etc. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 12:09:30 GMT -5
This is a lot for you to take in ! Please stay in touch with us, on a weekly basis! Do one thing for yourself. Stop doing it in your head ,and put it into ACTION. That way it is no longer a burden on your mind. You get to let it go!! Post it, text him, put it on the fridge, name and number. Wash your hands of any blame. (which should not be there in the first place). Take joy in the fact that you went above and beyond. A day later, make the appointment for him. Text him, post it. Sadly, The odds are highly stacked that he will do nothing. G E T R E A D Y for the disappointment, the rejection. Your used to it. You can handle it again, only this time you will have the peace of knowing you reached a turning point. Make it a happy time, go out with the kids and buy them some ice cream. How old are the kids? My 6 are all teenagers. Believe me, they see it, and they get it. Wait till they see you enjoying yourself again, without him. My three are all older now, youngest turned 18 recently and all in higher education. I am so grateful for my wonderful relationship with them. We are close and enjoy each others company. I had always wanted to be someone who explains to them the whys and wherefores - something i have often been criticized for by my H who would rather just put his foot down and that's that. I think they see when things aren't quite right as they ask me how i am etc. That's good, and healthy! You will create a very meaningful, strong, lasting bond with your young adults, as you instill in them, "don't make the same mistakes I did, learn from it!" There is a fine line in how much you say bad things to them about their father. However the truth is the truth. I find when those moments occur I do better to try and be open about my own wrongs, falicies, and mistakes as well. It is very re-assuring to hear things like, Yea but your nothing like her". or " now I understand that a whole lot better, I never knew you went through that, you gave up a lot for us!" |
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