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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 16:45:47 GMT -5
This evening my W and I went to watch our son play at tennis. As usual she was irritated with me off and on.
On the way back - just two of us - I said "I did not appreciate how you talked to me?" and then it quickly escalated. Repeatedly we went back and forth and everything was 100% my fault - she agreed yes - it was 100% my fault and she said you want out? You want a Divorce - fine send me the papers next week. I kept saying the fact that it is 100% my fault according to you it is pointless to fix anything and we have been passionless and sexless for years. Done deal so I thought.
Then she comes back realizing I was agreed to the Divorce - that it was MY decision not hers - I said you said 100% my fault - you are perfect it is all me. Then she says you can explain to the children it was YOUR decision. She says the difference between you and me is I still love you. I said you never even try to kiss me or anything - she said I was the one who never tried.
Frankly, I was ready to end it there. Then we sit down with our children and I am thinking this is the last time we might be together as a family.
I could tell she wanted me to reach over and hold her and say it was going to be OK and we will work thru it - but I kept my distance. But she really believes it is 100% my fault.
It was said on another thread about saying "Divorce" like having a gun pointed - and I added that I was taught and do believe do not pull out a gun unless you intend and are capable of shooting it to kill. Well I think we are agreed - or as she says MY decision - as usual it is 100% my fault - everything in our relationship is 100% my fault - I will accept I am not perfect but I do not think she can accept she is anything but 100% always right about everything.
I am so confused now and feel like shit.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2017 17:02:38 GMT -5
As devastating an experience that was to go through, you can soon look back on it with a slight grin. Instead of being manipulated and controlled, you stood up for yourself, and she proved that is unacceptable!! How dare you EVER say she is wrong about ANYTHING? You....have feelings?  Hahaha REALLLLY? Another DARVO. Your emotions are going wild! Fortunately it's Sat. Come Mon. morning call an attorney and get those papers delivered by the Sheriff in front of all her staff. IF YOU DON'T QUIT YOU CAN'T LOOSE! I am really , really hoping that with your situation, and her income, things will turn out much better for you than what you are expecting. Hoping, praying, that this is an open door for you, to a fresh new start. Let her live in her fantasy world that it is YOUR fault. The kids will see through it, and no one else will care who filed first. Another form of manipulation, and denial by a narcissist. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 4, 2017 17:05:45 GMT -5
McRoomMate, I don't see there's much to be confused about, though I empathize with your confusion/grief. She's taking a hard stance that she has no responsibility for the current situation, which means she will make no efforts to change the situation. If that's truly her position, then take her up on her offer and see a lawyer on Monday. It's pretty black & white, though that doesn't make it easy.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 4, 2017 17:06:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Nothing is final yet.
That was not fair of your wife to blame you with the kids.
The night we told the kids, my daughter (9 years old)asked me "who wanted the divorce?"
I asked her who does she think wanted it?
She answered - you because of the way daddy yells at you.
I told her I did because if somebody doesn't treat you the way you should be treated then you don't have to tolerate it whether it's a friend, neighbor, boyfriend or husband.
Take a deep breath and nothing is final.
Hugs
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 17:07:59 GMT -5
As devastating an experience that was to go through, you can soon look back on it with a slight grin. Instead of being manipulated and controlled, you stood up for yourself, and she proved that is unacceptable!! How dare you EVER say she is wrong about ANYTHING? You....have feelings? Hahaha REALLLLY? Another DARVO. Your emotions are going wild! Fortunately it's Sat. Come Mon. morning call an attorney and get those papers delivered by the Sheriff in front of all her staff. IF YOU DON'T QUIT YOU CAN'T LOOSE! I am really , really hoping that with your situation, and her income, things will turn out much better for you than what you are expecting. Hoping, praying, that this is an open door for you, to a fresh new start. Thank-you very very much greatcoastal Really means a lot to me and helps to read your reply. She said I get nothing and the kids 1 week-end a month and 2 weeks in summer. She is also very intelligent after I repeated to her "but you say it is 100% my fault" she caught on and said "No dont use that for your excuse". She also said she did not care about my research on disfunctional sexless marriages - it was "Her Life" and she did not need research or support. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 17:11:12 GMT -5
McRoomMate , I don't see there's much to be confused about, though I empathize with your confusion/grief. She's taking a hard stance that she has no responsibility for the current situation, which means she will make no efforts to change the situation. If that's truly her position, then take her up on her offer and see a lawyer on Monday. It's pretty black & white, though that doesn't make it easy. Thank-you DryCreek really thank-you for your comments and support. Truly I am grateful. Yes she is the Victim and it is 10ü% my fault - she takes absolutely no responsibility for this. Wow, it is not easy - I am just in a whirlwind of emotions now - I have been punched in the nose before - By my Kick Box Instructor - I can tell you the "fight plan" does go sideways - I feel like I have been punched in the nose in my heart and mind right now. I might as well be on drugs or something - emotions are just misfiring left and right. I am staying calm on the outside. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 17:13:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Nothing is final yet. That was not fair of your wife to blame you with the kids. The night we told the kids, my daughter (9 years old)asked me "who wanted the divorce?" I asked her who does she think wanted it? She answered - you because of the way daddy yells at you. I told her I did because if somebody doesn't treat you the way you should be treated then you don't have to tolerate it whether it's a friend, neighbor, boyfriend or husband. Take a deep breath and nothing is final. Hugs Thank-you bballgirl You seem to have the moral high ground. I am the bad one in this story, I will take most of the blame. You are right it is not final - but man is it in motion. Again very much appreciate your comment and support - very grateful thank-you. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 4, 2017 17:16:10 GMT -5
She said I get nothing and the kids 1 week-end a month and 2 weeks in summer. Relish the fact that she is exposing her ignorance on the topic. She gets no say in how much of the assets you get, unless you agree to it. If you don't, the court will decide, and hardly along her lines. And she has zero say in how much time you get with the kids. Again, unless you agree. Likewise for alimony, regardless of who has to pay whom. And child support. See a theme here? She is no longer in control, and it sounds like that panics her. She can only choose to be agreeable or have a decision handed to her. But either way, the picture won't look like the one she's painting. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 17:19:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry that it went that way. Sounds llike a mess all around. It was actually me that made the analogy of saying "divorce" is like pulling a gun. It tends to focus attention and can foster (temporary) change.
Honestly what's done is done. It is too bad you had the blowup in anger where neither of were thinking clearly. I guess the first question is whether you want a divorce.
If so, then you need to ask if this is how you want to go about doing it. Screaming matches rarely end well in divorce court with both of you impoverished by the conflict.
If you do want a divorce it might be smarter (but not easier) to suck it up, apologize, and then PLAN your exit. let this calm down a couple days and go see a lawyer to see the likely outcome of a divorce. That should help you plan and let you do this from the HEAD and not the heart.
One thing though. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. It is a big mistake to do that unless ordered to by the court and could be considered abandonment in some jurisdictions. You should see an attorney in your area ASAP though.
Good luck!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2017 17:22:32 GMT -5
As devastating an experience that was to go through, you can soon look back on it with a slight grin. Instead of being manipulated and controlled, you stood up for yourself, and she proved that is unacceptable!! How dare you EVER say she is wrong about ANYTHING? You....have feelings? Hahaha REALLLLY? Another DARVO. Your emotions are going wild! Fortunately it's Sat. Come Mon. morning call an attorney and get those papers delivered by the Sheriff in front of all her staff. IF YOU DON'T QUIT YOU CAN'T LOOSE! I am really , really hoping that with your situation, and her income, things will turn out much better for you than what you are expecting. Hoping, praying, that this is an open door for you, to a fresh new start. Thank-you very very much greatcoastal Really means a lot to me and helps to read your reply. She said I get nothing and the kids 1 week-end a month and 2 weeks in summer. She is also very intelligent after I repeated to her "but you say it is 100% my fault" she caught on and said "No dont use that for your excuse". She also said she did not care about my research on disfunctional sexless marriages - it was "Her Life" and she did not need research or support. Run to the attorney Monday morn. Bring your posts with you tell them of her hurtful demeaning, controlling behavior. The attorney can calm your fears. Knowledge is power!! Find out the truth about the money and your parental rights. The grin on your face will come back when you know how much the law is on your side. She will revert to more devious manipulative tactics, once her words loose their punch. It will no longer be you against her. It will be her against, your attorney, her attorney, the law, a judge, and a sheriff. That levels the playing field ans gives you a ten point lead. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 4, 2017 17:22:49 GMT -5
Yes she is the Victim and it is 10ü% my fault - she takes absolutely no responsibility for this. In the end, "fault" is irrelevant. Only the outcome matters now. If you can, take the blows, let her place the blame on you for now. Try not to engage, because it won't be productive. And as greatcoastal's wife discovered, the spouse that files is usually leaving for a reason. One that's bad enough to blow up the marriage. People will figure out the real story for themselves, but you may have to weather the gossip and judgement until they do. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 4, 2017 17:25:43 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Nothing is final yet. That was not fair of your wife to blame you with the kids. The night we told the kids, my daughter (9 years old)asked me "who wanted the divorce?" I asked her who does she think wanted it? She answered - you because of the way daddy yells at you. I told her I did because if somebody doesn't treat you the way you should be treated then you don't have to tolerate it whether it's a friend, neighbor, boyfriend or husband. Take a deep breath and nothing is final. Hugs Thank-you bballgirl You seem to have the moral high ground. I am the bad one in this story, I will take most of the blame. You are right it is not final - but man is it in motion. Again very much appreciate your comment and support - very grateful thank-you. You aren't the bad one and we both know that. Here's the bottom line and your wife has a lot to learn: There was no marriage in your marriage, people grow apart, divorce happens, and life goes on, your children love you both equally and that's all that matters in the end is the children. If she isn't willing to talk then run to an attorney and file first. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 17:37:03 GMT -5
shamwow Well Thank-you for all the support. Yes you had the original analogy but I ran with it I guess. Thank-you for further guidance suggestions very helpful and appreciated. Yes - it did spiral pretty quick. I think it was tension building between us because we never talk really. I will let it calm down as much as it can - very very quiet now in the house. We were not really screaming - more like very tough negotiation - though she did say I looked really upset and she looked upset too. Wew - Emotional overdrive for sure - Maybe talking loud - ok possibly screaming - jeez I am babbling now.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 17:44:48 GMT -5
I'm glad things are quiet around the house right now.
My analogy still stands. The guns are on the table but nobody is holding them and no triggers have been pulled yet.
If you can keep things calm that is ideal. I don't know how old your kids are but they need to come first (for you even if your wife seems to be fine using them as a weapon).
Nothing needs to happen today or tomorrow except perhaps a deep breath all around. Think about what end game you want. If it is divorce, the BE SMART. Get a free consultatuon with a couple lawyers. Get copies of deeds, financial documents, you get the picture. It sounds like your wife is going to throw a temper tantrum so prepare for it and stay calm.
Gotta go but will check in later!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 17:50:15 GMT -5
Thank-you very very much greatcoastal Really means a lot to me and helps to read your reply. She said I get nothing and the kids 1 week-end a month and 2 weeks in summer. She is also very intelligent after I repeated to her "but you say it is 100% my fault" she caught on and said "No dont use that for your excuse". She also said she did not care about my research on disfunctional sexless marriages - it was "Her Life" and she did not need research or support. Run to the attorney Monday morn. Bring your posts with you tell them of her hurtful demeaning, controlling behavior. The attorney can calm your fears. Knowledge is power!! Find out the truth about the money and your parental rights. The grin on your face will come back when you know how much the law is on your side. She will revert to more devious manipulative tactics, once her words loose their punch. It will no longer be you against her. It will be her against, your attorney, her attorney, the law, a judge, and a sheriff. That levels the playing field ans gives you a ten point lead. Wow that is pretty forward leaning offensive tactics - Excellent. Thank-you |
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Hahaha REALLLLY? Another DARVO.
