cavu
New Member
Posts: 16 
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Post by cavu on Feb 7, 2017 6:02:17 GMT -5
I've read this thread 3 times over the last few days. People post to not move out after the talk but how do you stay in such a toxic environment? Sleeping in the same bed and being neglected makes me feel like I'm drowning and I need to to move out just to be able to breathe.
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Post by csl on Feb 7, 2017 7:34:51 GMT -5
1- just off the top of my head, don't sleep in the same bed.
2-if the goal of The Talk was to inform your wife that the current state of the marriage is rotten and needs to change, why would you leave? It seems hard fo work on a relationship from long-distance.
3- I went back and read your first post. I don't see where you have had The Talk yet, so now is the time to start composing it. Some would council to start on an exit plan. Others would say that you should decide what boundaries need to be in place for the marriage to survive. At a minimum, when composing The Talk, have in mind required action steps that must be taken in order for the two of you work on your marriage.
4-of course, if your goal in having The Talk is to say goodbye, a simple "So long" as you carry your suitcase out the door would suffice.
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Post by csl on Feb 7, 2017 9:51:05 GMT -5
McRoomMate - I know that there are beaucoups recommendations about your next steps, and they are all good. I'm going to throw just one thing into the mix for your consideration because it worked for Wife and me. Go to bed at the same time.
After our version of The Talk, we started going to bed at the same time. We put music on, get into bed, and talk. About everything. Alisa DiLorenzo made the comment that "you're not going to have sex with someone you're not talking to," and she is right.
While we started with an agreed frequency of 2x a week, we still went to bed together every night and talked. We solved the world's problems, the church's problems, our problems, etc., but we talked every night, in bed, naked. After a couple of months, Wife said that sex was on the table every time we were in bed together. And we still continued to talk.
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Post by Dan on Feb 7, 2017 14:30:41 GMT -5
McRoomMate - I know that there are beaucoups recommendations about your next steps, and they are all good. I'm going to throw just one thing into the mix for your consideration because it worked for Wife and me. Go to bed at the same time. After our version of The Talk, we started going to bed at the same time. We put music on, get into bed, and talk. About everything. Alisa DiLorenzo made the comment that "you're not going to have sex with someone you're not talking to," and she is right. While we started with an agreed frequency of 2x a week, we still went to bed together every night and talked. We solved the world's problems, the church's problems, our problems, etc., but we talked every night, in bed, naked. After a couple of months, Wife said that sex was on the table every time we were in bed together. And we still continued to talk. THIS is very encouraging. I can remember years where she would never come to bed when I did. (And I would be waiting for her... but she would outlast me in front of the TV until I conked out.) Now that I'm deep in to counter-refusing, *I'M* the one dawdling downstairs for an extra hour or two until I go to bed, and hope to find her asleep when I do. Sigh. I feel this is something I should try. But I don't know if I have it in me to try yet another thing. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 7, 2017 15:25:49 GMT -5
McRoomMate - I know that there are beaucoups recommendations about your next steps, and they are all good. I'm going to throw just one thing into the mix for your consideration because it worked for Wife and me. Go to bed at the same time. After our version of The Talk, we started going to bed at the same time. We put music on, get into bed, and talk. About everything. Alisa DiLorenzo made the comment that "you're not going to have sex with someone you're not talking to," and she is right. While we started with an agreed frequency of 2x a week, we still went to bed together every night and talked. We solved the world's problems, the church's problems, our problems, etc., but we talked every night, in bed, naked. After a couple of months, Wife said that sex was on the table every time we were in bed together. And we still continued to talk. I love this so much. We started making this a priority after our counselor brought it up years ago. It is one of those things that you read it and say, well duh... However, formulating that thought yourself had never occured. I make a point to stay up late so that I can lay in bed awake with my H, even if it is just to say a few sentences about our days. The comfort of that last exchange before drifting to sleep brings me a lot more happiness than one would expect. It is also a good time to discuss things that happened that we were not so pleased with. For example: this weekend we disagreed about an issue concerning our dog (if we should bring a 3yo to the euthenasia of her best friend) that evening we talked about it in length to hear each other points. We have decided to look up a few things and come back together about it when we have more info. But this discussion could have easily been left behind as a major disagreement. So much love for this |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 7, 2017 16:20:02 GMT -5
McRoomMate - I know that there are beaucoups recommendations about your next steps, and they are all good. I'm going to throw just one thing into the mix for your consideration because it worked for Wife and me. Go to bed at the same time. After our version of The Talk, we started going to bed at the same time. We put music on, get into bed, and talk. About everything. Alisa DiLorenzo made the comment that "you're not going to have sex with someone you're not talking to," and she is right. While we started with an agreed frequency of 2x a week, we still went to bed together every night and talked. We solved the world's problems, the church's problems, our problems, etc., but we talked every night, in bed, naked. After a couple of months, Wife said that sex was on the table every time we were in bed together. And we still continued to talk. I love the go to bed at the same time idea. That's on my list of something I would want in a future relationship. My ex and I never did. He always stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning then came to bed. I wake up at 5 for work. I could remember watching the tv show Everybody Loves Raymond and a lot of times the episode ended with Ray and Debra in bed together getting cozy and I always wished I had that. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 7, 2017 19:05:06 GMT -5
This Forum just keeps blowing my mind. SO MUCH GOOD ADVICE AND LOVE HERE.
Unfortunately - I am leaning towards it is ME now the "COUNTER-REFUSER" -
We are going to bed at the same time every night and giving each other kisses and hugs thru-out the day - but I feel I am in that "Learning to Love" again - and that is really really unnatural. So many years of SM and Room Mates - I have my part to blame to for sure.
I still am leaning that I am kissing and cuddling for my children rather than me.
One day at a time. We kissed each other good night tonight - long kiss and cuddling.
The problem may end up being ME . . .
Again Thank everyone - so so good advice really. Respect and appreciation!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 7, 2017 19:08:08 GMT -5
McRoomMate - I know that there are beaucoups recommendations about your next steps, and they are all good. I'm going to throw just one thing into the mix for your consideration because it worked for Wife and me. Go to bed at the same time. After our version of The Talk, we started going to bed at the same time. We put music on, get into bed, and talk. About everything. Alisa DiLorenzo made the comment that "you're not going to have sex with someone you're not talking to," and she is right. While we started with an agreed frequency of 2x a week, we still went to bed together every night and talked. We solved the world's problems, the church's problems, our problems, etc., but we talked every night, in bed, naked. After a couple of months, Wife said that sex was on the table every time we were in bed together. And we still continued to talk. THIS is very encouraging. I can remember years where she would never come to bed when I did. (And I would be waiting for her... but she would outlast me in front of the TV until I conked out.) Now that I'm deep in to counter-refusing, *I'M* the one dawdling downstairs for an extra hour or two until I go to bed, and hope to find her asleep when I do. Sigh. I feel this is something I should try. But I don't know if I have it in me to try yet another thing. Thank-you @dan I can relate to the Counter-Refuser - I am not actively refusing but my heart does not seem it - like spontaneous Love. I have not said "I Love You" yet . . . Just cuddling, kissing, hugs, and love making the other night. I am faking it a bit actually . . . almost for the benefit of my children. I have a lot to LEARN - RE-LEARN this is a new experience. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 7, 2017 19:41:25 GMT -5
THIS is very encouraging. I can remember years where she would never come to bed when I did. (And I would be waiting for her... but she would outlast me in front of the TV until I conked out.) Now that I'm deep in to counter-refusing, *I'M* the one dawdling downstairs for an extra hour or two until I go to bed, and hope to find her asleep when I do. Sigh. I feel this is something I should try. But I don't know if I have it in me to try yet another thing. Thank-you @dan I can relate to the Counter-Refuser - I am not actively refusing but my heart does not seem it - like spontaneous Love. I have not said "I Love You" yet . . . Just cuddling, kissing, hugs, and love making the other night. I am faking it a bit actually . . . almost for the benefit of my children. I have a lot to LEARN - RE-LEARN this is a new experience. I can't say I've walked a mile in your shoes, but I can say, "I've tried them on, walked around the store once and they didn't fit!". (the re-set weekend) It goes back to the healing process. You or your rejecting spouse can not expect years of mental abuse/damage to be healed in a few days. This is were the therapy, and hard work comes in. It's okay to have fear , guilt, concerns, that you will be taken advantage of again. The trust has to be re-established. How does it go? For every year of abuse takes a year of healing? A rough estimate. I have also read, after a divorce to at least give your self a year to 18 months of healing. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 7, 2017 21:13:14 GMT -5
THIS is very encouraging. I can remember years where she would never come to bed when I did. (And I would be waiting for her... but she would outlast me in front of the TV until I conked out.) Now that I'm deep in to counter-refusing, *I'M* the one dawdling downstairs for an extra hour or two until I go to bed, and hope to find her asleep when I do. Sigh. I feel this is something I should try. But I don't know if I have it in me to try yet another thing. Thank-you @dan I can relate to the Counter-Refuser - I am not actively refusing but my heart does not seem it - like spontaneous Love. I have not said "I Love You" yet . . . Just cuddling, kissing, hugs, and love making the other night. I am faking it a bit actually . . . almost for the benefit of my children. I have a lot to LEARN - RE-LEARN this is a new experience. Kids are smart. Likely you're not fooling anyone but yourself. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 5:30:04 GMT -5
Thank-you @dan I can relate to the Counter-Refuser - I am not actively refusing but my heart does not seem it - like spontaneous Love. I have not said "I Love You" yet . . . Just cuddling, kissing, hugs, and love making the other night. I am faking it a bit actually . . . almost for the benefit of my children. I have a lot to LEARN - RE-LEARN this is a new experience. I can't say I've walked a mile in your shoes, but I can say, "I've tried them on, walked around the store once and they didn't fit!". (the re-set weekend) It goes back to the healing process. You or your rejecting spouse can not expect years of mental abuse/damage to be healed in a few days. This is were the therapy, and hard work comes in. It's okay to have fear , guilt, concerns, that you will be taken advantage of again. The trust has to be re-established. How does it go? For every year of abuse takes a year of healing? A rough estimate. I have also read, after a divorce to at least give your self a year to 18 months of healing. Lord have mercy - 10 years of abuse or at least SM passionless marriage - that would take 10 years to heal? Divorce seems "cheaper" - Good Lord. My main problem is that I do not feel "in love" or even emotionally attracted to her. It is just pity for my children not to suffer or even her not to suffer. I know what "love" is and had been in a long term relationship years ago where my girlfriend at the time was abusive - even a little physically towards me - and she cheated and all that - and I felt the Love - here it is nothing like that - it is just Oh I cannot bear to see people suffer because I make the decision I cannot go on with this relationship marriage and I want out. I am not "rushing" and will give this a try but I can say it does not make me feel better other than less guilty. |
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Post by csl on Feb 8, 2017 10:23:53 GMT -5
This showed up last night on my Twitter feed:
People don't just fall out of love.They stop doing what they were doing when they fell in love. Love isn't just a feeling, it's about action
~ Michelle Weiner-Davis, of Divorce Busters
Going to her site might help you AND YOUR WIFE see the steps to go forward, if the both of you want to.
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Post by csl on Feb 8, 2017 11:22:48 GMT -5
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 8, 2017 11:54:12 GMT -5
Thank-you. Not annoying at all. Very much appreciated. Will look at these. Again Thank-you A LOT. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 0:31:34 GMT -5
UPDATE - so about a week out from our "RESET SEX" - so last night being Friday - she goes up to bed room and I follow.
I arrive in the bed room . . . and
Oh wait, back to the same old situation - yes there she is lying in bed, with pillows propped up and she is binge watching her TV show on her laptop with head phones on all nice and comfy. So I lay next to her and reach my arm out across the bed to touch her.
I get little caresses - like when you pet a cat - and she keeps watching her TV show and falls asleep after an hour - I give her looks but she is too busy watching her TV show on her laptop.
How long is Reset Sex "normally last" - we had fireworks and passion for about 10 hours last Saturday after we agreed to a DIVORCE . . . and then slowly slowly petering off over last week. During the week, we had some passionate kisses but I really feel this slipping very fast back into RESET SM.
This is just giving me data and evidence for next Frontal Assault when I bring up the "D" word again . . . which seems a good month or so away pending other affairs being in order.
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