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Post by baza on Feb 11, 2017 0:52:05 GMT -5
"Re-set sex" usually lasts a fair bit longer than you have described here Brother McRoomMate.
Usually, it will play out (in diminishing levels) over a month, but it may be much shorter - and rarely longer than that.
In the most general terms, "re-set sex" lasts until the avoidant spouse figures that the danger to their cozy little world has passed.
Your missus obviously thinks that the danger has passed after a couple of fucks.
Usual hint here, don't mention divorce again. Not until you are prepared and ready to do it. If that is "a good month or so away" then so be it.
These are not situations where 'bluffing' is appropriate.
Say NOTHING that you are not prepared to carry out.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 5:08:16 GMT -5
"Re-set sex" usually lasts a fair bit longer than you have described here Brother McRoomMate. Usually, it will play out (in diminishing levels) over a month, but it may be much shorter - and rarely longer than that. In the most general terms, "re-set sex" lasts until the avoidant spouse figures that the danger to their cozy little world has passed. Your missus obviously thinks that the danger has passed after a couple of fucks. Usual hint here, don't mention divorce again. Not until you are prepared and ready to do it. If that is "a good month or so away" then so be it. These are not situations where 'bluffing' is appropriate. Say NOTHING that you are not prepared to carry out. Very well said baza Right now it is "step by step" - I am interviewing for other jobs so first get financially independent - then I will be in a "negotiation" position. Oh how pathetic - meaning I am not dependent on her financially (i.e., working at her company). I already talked about this with her. I am even meeting with some people to find my replacement - so her company stays strong without me. Well said bluffing with "D" word is no good - she does that with me off an on over the months. I aint bluffing. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 11, 2017 17:47:48 GMT -5
McRoomMate, I suggest a warning shot, then action. Point out to her that things rebounded and looked very positive (good communication, intimacy), but now it appears she has put you back on the shelf and you will not tolerate things returning to the way they were. She needs to police her behavior without constant reminders from you. If she can't make the change stick, then you have a choice to make about whether you will continually be driving this issue to keep things on track. Sadly, it sounds like her desire for entertainment eclipses her interest in maintaining your relationship. And the reason I keep suggesting counseling... being accountable to a third party is often far more effective, and provides a way to discuss bad behavior in a context that doesn't trigger defensiveness (as will happen if you confront her on the same topic). Not unlike how your kids might respect the opinion of others but not yours.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 11, 2017 23:57:01 GMT -5
McRoomMate , I suggest a warning shot, then action. Point out to her that things rebounded and looked very positive (good communication, intimacy), but now it appears she has put you back on the shelf and you will not tolerate things returning to the way they were. She needs to police her behavior without constant reminders from you. If she can't make the change stick, then you have a choice to make about whether you will continually be driving this issue to keep things on track. Sadly, it sounds like her desire for entertainment eclipses her interest in maintaining your relationship. And the reason I keep suggesting counseling... being accountable to a third party is often far more effective, and provides a way to discuss bad behavior in a context that doesn't trigger defensiveness (as will happen if you confront her on the same topic). Not unlike how your kids might respect the opinion of others but not yours. I appreciate these comments very much. What really bothers me though is that now I need to be like a "Manager" in my relationship. What really bothers me is now I have a the burden of having to REMIND her of something that should come very natural and be obvious. If it is about reminding and nagging then what is the freaking point. You know I asked her about her previous divorces/break-ups and asked if her H / boyfriend at the time was surprised when she left them and she said "No". Similarly, it is astounding when I read on the threads about H/W being in shocked after the Refused has spent years trying to make things work. I am just belly aching that if one spouse is so clueless about the problem and the other is suffering, that alone pretty much tells me what the solution is. I meeting my psychiatrist friend this week on therapy - though at this point it might be for me alone. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2017 14:22:10 GMT -5
How long is Reset Sex "normally last" - we had fireworks and passion for about 10 hours last Saturday after we agreed to a DIVORCE . . . and then slowly slowly petering off over last week. During the week, we had some passionate kisses but I really feel this slipping very fast back into RESET SM. This is just giving me data and evidence for next Frontal Assault when I bring up the "D" word again . . . which seems a good month or so away pending other affairs being in order. Because you are dealing with a conflict and harm, it's easy to think of this as an adversarial situation in which you gather evidence and wage a kind of cold war or trial against the person who wears the face of your adversary. This isn't the kind of fight you can win this way, when the winning condition is supposed to be that you turn toward each other. Aside from the two of you, there is no external party that needs to be convinced of who is right or wrong. The evidence won't convince her - won't change how she feels. It's tempting (I know) to look at invoking a crisis and the reset sex repeatedly as a survival tactic - the idea that the Big Stick of Divorce will keep intimacy flowing. But, you know it can't. Consider the time-frames involved in a marriage. You are seeing changes in a week or two vs how long do you intend for your marriage to last? Ten years? Twenty more? How many times is it possible to have this talk and run this program before these are just hate fucks and staring at the ceiling waiting for you to finish? How long before she figures out how to have sex with you in such a way as to make you hate it, or yourself? The adversary in these cases is the gambler's addiction - the hope that a win is just around the corner if you just hang in the game for one more pull of the handle. But even with a slot machine, there's a chance - the machine at least doesn't care about you. In the case of a celibate marriage, the partner is so disconnected as to rather threaten the marriage rather than sleep with you, even knowing the stakes. Do you have any reason to think things would change? |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 13, 2017 16:54:08 GMT -5
How long is Reset Sex "normally last" - we had fireworks and passion for about 10 hours last Saturday after we agreed to a DIVORCE . . . and then slowly slowly petering off over last week. During the week, we had some passionate kisses but I really feel this slipping very fast back into RESET SM. This is just giving me data and evidence for next Frontal Assault when I bring up the "D" word again . . . which seems a good month or so away pending other affairs being in order. Because you are dealing with a conflict and harm, it's easy to think of this as an adversarial situation in which you gather evidence and wage a kind of cold war or trial against the person who wears the face of your adversary. This isn't the kind of fight you can win this way, when the winning condition is supposed to be that you turn toward each other. Aside from the two of you, there is no external party that needs to be convinced of who is right or wrong. The evidence won't convince her - won't change how she feels. It's tempting (I know) to look at invoking a crisis and the reset sex repeatedly as a survival tactic - the idea that the Big Stick of Divorce will keep intimacy flowing. But, you know it can't. Consider the time-frames involved in a marriage. You are seeing changes in a week or two vs how long do you intend for your marriage to last? Ten years? Twenty more? How many times is it possible to have this talk and run this program before these are just hate fucks and staring at the ceiling waiting for you to finish? How long before she figures out how to have sex with you in such a way as to make you hate it, or yourself? The adversary in these cases is the gambler's addiction - the hope that a win is just around the corner if you just hang in the game for one more pull of the handle. But even with a slot machine, there's a chance - the machine at least doesn't care about you. In the case of a celibate marriage, the partner is so disconnected as to rather threaten the marriage rather than sleep with you, even knowing the stakes. Do you have any reason to think things would change? I was thinking in an amorphous clumsy way very much along the lines though how you so clearly explained it. I read carefully and digest your post and agree with substantially most of it. The only thing I would add is I am not the "pure victim" in fact quite the contrary maybe most of our disfunction is rooted in me and goes way back over a decade. As you will agree the state of an "SM" for most people on this Forum, surely my case, is that the lack of sex is just the tip of the iceberg and thru my own ruthless honesty with my heart and my mind - not bullshitting myself - I see how big and deep the underlying problems are. So very very much appreciate your post and words. Very much. Thank-you. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2017 17:44:16 GMT -5
Glad to help. I generally don't see this as a "pure victim" kind of thing. Even in a relatively one-sided affair such as my own, I can look back and regret the extent to which I appeased, rather than calling time and fighting much, MUCH earlier in the disconnection.
Regardless of who is at fault for the dysfunction that results in the dissipation of desire, the ball must be played from where it lies. To that end, my vote goes to whomever is moving to resolve the stalemate by getting authentic about it.
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