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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:20:11 GMT -5
And the Night Ended with Mad Passionate Lovemaking . . . OK well maybe there was pent up resentment and all that on both sides. We laid in bed . .. on opposite sides and talked - we sort of made each other laugh a little with our arguments in pillow talk mode and then made passionate love after slowly coming together. She seemed to have the biggest orgasm I have heard in years . . . we were interrupted by our 6 year old who was woken up from her room and came in (from my W´s moaning). OK now I am thinking maybe it is fixed. She said we both have to "WANT" to work together. The evening started with a crescending argument that after 15 minutes we agreed for divorce and 6 hours later . . . passionate love making that we have not had in years. Totally perplexed and amazed. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic or an eternal optimist or maybe your wife reset me too, but I want to be optimistic for you. If you guys can get to where you can make love that is huge. I would say be optimistically cautious, set a time table to see if she can continue to want and desire you and at the same time let her know that you want and desire her and see how she responds. Keep the lines of communication flowing and I would say that you both need to acknowledge and discuss the fact that your marriage is in crisis mode, you need to start over and date each other again in a way, and I hope she knows that one night of sex doesn't make things all better. Your marriage and the family unit is so much more important and should be her priority because a single mother on dating apps is not better than what she has. The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it. Thank-you bballgirl You are sort of like my Cyrano de Bergerec whispering me lines. Very very helpful. I pretty much followed your guidance to the letter. She said Yes, and responded something along the lines of we have to put our will/want we want in line with our actions and that it was "that simple." I too am definitely a "hopeless romantic" when not in self destructive "coping mechanism" mode, which is how I become when frustrated. Right now I am in the "hopeless romantic" mode. I probably too can be a DELUSIONAL optimist - tend to trust people to quickly and so on - if I am not careful. Our children sure seemed happy this morning too. I should tattoo your latest comments and guidance on my arm for quick reference. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 5, 2017 4:23:59 GMT -5
Oh dear McRoomMate I feel emotionally exhausted reading this thread. Your head must be all over the place. She brings up divorce, blames you for it all, states she doesn't need sex because you didn't service her regularly, then fucks your brains out?!?!?!? Bloody emotional roller coaster or what! You've had some brilliant advice here. Follow it...... please get to a lawyer. If you roll over and accept her reset now you will be stuck again in that awful merry go round of hope, confusion, sexual frustration, blame, denial, you know all the feelings that come with it I expect, for god knows how long until it comes to a head like this again. Ive been there a few times myself. And wasted many years in the process. I wish you courage and strength mc rm  xxx |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:27:52 GMT -5
You can answer that for your self. When are you going to want sex again? You...not her! What are your needs? I was ready the next morning, and then the next evening, especially after being starved to death!! Is she going to comply? are you going to have to beg again? Has she done this to you before? How long was it then? Is there going to be intimacy received and accepted from her tomorrow? Or will it back to business as usual? Will you be asked to suddenly do more acts of service? Will you no longer be 100% responsible for everything wrong? All red flags to look for! Her manipulative lie about her shrinking libido is another excuse, alibi, for why you should have to except her forcing celibacy on you. So it starts to shrink? Does that mean that now it's back to normal? Is it going to grow? Does it need a steady diet? Will it then shrink faster, or will it burst? She would make a great politician, (maybe how she's successful in business.....for now, until she gets sued, but I digress) very talented at multi tasking with words, and actions. Leaving your compartmentalized, male brain, in the dust needing days to untangle it all. (voice of experience) by then the train has left the station, and in order to bring it up again you have to quote everything exactly, word for word, and have stellar tactful questions, and debating points ready to go. Who can deal with that over and over again? Monday morning,attorney phone calls. I have yet to hear anyone who has regretted getting the info. about their legal status, not when your the victim. Thank-you for the direct to the point analysis - damn to the point analysis - I re-read your post a couple of times - taking to heart. Really really helpful and I have to say "brutal" but in the "brutally" honest no bullshit very healthy way. Brilliant!!! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:30:18 GMT -5
Oh dear McRoomMate I feel emotionally exhausted reading this thread. Your head must be all over the place. She brings up divorce, blames you for it all, states she doesn't need sex because you didn't service her regularly, then fucks your brains out?!?!?!? Bloody emotional roller coaster or what! You've had some brilliant advice here. Follow it...... please get to a lawyer. If you roll over and accept her reset now you will be stuck again in that awful merry go round of hope, confusion, sexual frustration, blame, denial, you know all the feelings that come with it I expect, for god knows how long until it comes to a head like this again. Ive been there a few times myself. And wasted many years in the process. I wish you courage and strength mc rm xxx Thank-you eternaloptimism what a "concise" summary- almost the "Cliff Notes" in 8 lines of the whole roller coaster. Much appreciated and respect! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:32:44 GMT -5
Don't fall for the false reset. It'll only last as long as it takes to hook you. Is it that obvious a "false reset"? How will I know or she know I am "hooked"? Appreciate very much your no-nonsense guidance - just trying to get some clarification. Full respect! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 5, 2017 4:32:55 GMT -5
Do you think her intention is change, or reset? You know her.
I agree with GC's thoughts on the reset situ. In your shoes, I'd be ready for the next round.
But how long will she make you wait?
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:37:33 GMT -5
We had morning sex upon waking - I told her we need to do this every day and go back to being a loving intimate couple. Over coffee at breakfast I repeated her comment last night before inviting me to bed that WE have to WANT it and that our WILL must align with ACTION.
I am going to impose new rules 1) No binge watching TV on her laptop when we go to bed, 2) we show more affection during the day (e.g. ,holding hands, hugs, kisses, etc. and 3) we talk about this and are engaging in lovemaking intimacy FREQUENTLY (aiming for every day etc.).
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:40:59 GMT -5
Do you think her intention is change, or reset? You know her. I agree with GC's thoughts on the reset situ. In your shoes, I'd be ready for the next round. But how long will she make you wait? If it goes back to waiting or not today dear or excuses - I am going to be ruthless (so I like to tell myself anyways). We had been so long in SM mode . . . the evening started with a 15 minute discussion where she said fine Divorce and "end of story" her words and ended quite differently. So this is either just the beginning of a renewed relationship or if we slip into SM mode just one more time - so help me Divine Providence I am out. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:46:10 GMT -5
And the Night Ended with Mad Passionate Lovemaking . . . OK well maybe there was pent up resentment and all that on both sides. We laid in bed . .. on opposite sides and talked - we sort of made each other laugh a little with our arguments in pillow talk mode and then made passionate love after slowly coming together. She seemed to have the biggest orgasm I have heard in years . . . we were interrupted by our 6 year old who was woken up from her room and came in (from my W´s moaning). OK now I am thinking maybe it is fixed. She said we both have to "WANT" to work together. The evening started with a crescending argument that after 15 minutes we agreed for divorce and 6 hours later . . . passionate love making that we have not had in years. Totally perplexed and amazed. Oh how confusing McRoomMate . You've had a hell of a day - I hate to to say it screams reset sex to me. Please follow the advice to consult an attorney asap!! AND, unless you're unfit (which I'm sure you're not). She cannot dictate visitation and custody plans - Sending you peaceful, positive vibes - Thank-you for sincere brutally honest assessment of screaming reset sex. I think it was a "reset" of our couple I am hoping and we both acknowledge the reality of our passionless marriage and now efforts to fix it thru actions (daily frequent actions of intimacy, affection, and lovemaking). When is "reset sex" a joke manipulation? If she suddenly says not today dear or pushes me away? I guess not genuine or sustained and this latest lovemaking was just a temporary "fix"? I think I get the "reset sex" manipulation. So far does not seem so - true not even 24 hours - so too early - I know. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 5, 2017 4:48:35 GMT -5
Any idea on how long "Reset Sex" works? Is it usually a few weeks or months maximum? The longer it goes, the better the odds. Sometimes it's a one-shot deal, sometimes it dwindles. The "reset" idea being, "Sex will shut him up for a while" and the other side thinking "We had sex, so maybe everything is better now". What's significant is whether both of you start actively taking steps to improve the situation. When it becomes one-sided, the progress stops. Listen to bballgirl... Thank-you for a very concise and understandable definition of "Reset Sex". Very very helpful. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 5, 2017 4:50:21 GMT -5
Do you think her intention is change, or reset? You know her. I agree with GC's thoughts on the reset situ. In your shoes, I'd be ready for the next round. But how long will she make you wait? If it goes back to waiting or not today dear or excuses - I am going to be ruthless (so I like to tell myself anyways). We had been so long in SM mode . . . the evening started with a 15 minute discussion where she said fine Divorce and "end of story" her words and ended quite differently. So this is either just the beginning of a renewed relationship or if we slip into SM mode just one more time - so help me Divine Providence I am out. Wow... you did it twice!!!! Someone dust off the ILIASM sex trophy he he! Seriously, that's great. I would love to see someone here turn things around. Maybe it's you! Let's give it time and see. Xxx |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 5, 2017 7:28:18 GMT -5
The key is communication and it's not so difficult but I think our egos, jealousy, schedules, wrong priorities get in the way. Marriage is tough.
Everyone wants to feel wanted and desired and loved. That is the simple premise to discuss with your wife. I think the rules you made are great. You should ask her if she needs some rules for you (almost as a test to see what she says) in order to encourage more connection for you guys. I would also make a list of things you guys can do to encourage the momentum and repair your marriage. For example: Texting each other, writing love notes, massages, rubbing each other's feet at night, saying I love you and meaning it, telling each other how sexy they are, date nights, etc.
You basically have to date each other again, which trust me is so much better than all the losers on these dating apps. Gosh have fun with it and enjoy each other! Pinterest has lots of good lists for dating and fun creative ideas!
I'm happy for you at the moment but cautiously optimistic.
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Post by Dan on Feb 5, 2017 8:13:30 GMT -5
Then she says you can explain to the children it was YOUR decision. So sorry for your pain and confusion. The age and social maturity of your kids will dictate how you break the news to them. However, I see NO REASON why you have to voluntarily throw yourself under the bus and tell them "it is solely me who wants a divorce; your mom is the angel, and I'm the devil." I mean, I understand saying to your wife in a conversation "sure, it is 100% my fault". That is just a technique to say "I can tell you are unmovable on this point, so to more speedily get past this point of the discussion, let's just assume it is 100% my fault." (If she accepted this conversational brush-off, that to me shows she is pretty narcissistic. If she REALLY wanted to work on things and were a *reasonable* person, she would throw in a little self-reflection and admit to some of her shortcomings, too.) But that "I'll take the blame" statement, IMO, is not an AGREEMENT with her that "I'll take all the 'blame' in front of the children, or with our families, or with our friends." When explaining the divorce to any of them, you should use age/situation appropriate language, and where possible be respectful, BUT BE HONEST. Maybe you can say things like: To your kids (if in the 8 to 13 range): "Mom and dad have had a different way of looking at certain things for many years, and it has made me very sad. I will always be your dad, and -- at this point -- I think I can be a better dad if I'm no longer married to mom." To your family/friends, and even your kids if they are emotionally mature and/or in their later teens: "___ and I have have had a pretty serious mismatch in the level of sex and intimacy we want in our marriage. That friction has lead to other frictions, and I'm suffocating. I have to get out to save my own life." Good luck... |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 5, 2017 8:33:47 GMT -5
McRoomMate, this is a case where couples counseling could be very helpful - if you have two willing parties, a therapist can guide you in a productive direction and help you overcome the speed bumps that are bound to happen. If there is momentum here, it deserves the best shot at success. Enjoy the rediscovered intimacy. Come up for air periodically and do a sanity check. "Trust, but verify." Meanwhile, keep your powder dry. Good luck. (I'm reluctant to rain on your parade here, but radical turnarounds are rare enough to be suspicious. Just stay sharp.)
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Post by Dan on Feb 5, 2017 8:52:43 GMT -5
OK... obviously my first reply was given without reading the whole thread! I want to mostly agree with the warnings of folks saying "this is reset sex", and yet agree with bballgirl and admit the possibility that this might be a true turnaround. To mash those together, I think the more nuanced warning is this: "This might be reset sex; many refusers who do this are soon back to their old ways. But if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt... that's OK. It is OK until you decide 'this didn't stick, it is no longer OK'." It sounds like YOU want to give this a shot. If you want to, then do it: give it a shot. If leaving RIGHT NOW after a great night doesn't feel right, it isn't. To tell if it is a true turnaround, GO TO THERAPY, as DryCreek suggests. One night (and following morning) of rafter-raising sex is NOT the turnaround. Continued patterns of action to regain trust, to instantiate a regular pattern of intimacy, THAT is a turnaround. Again: good luck... And: we are here for you, buddy! |
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