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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2017 17:57:50 GMT -5
Their are some bright spots from this. You have a better understanding of whom you are dealing with. Sounds like the mask fell off for a moment, revealing her true attitude towards you?
It sounds like she has not seen an attorney and is content to string you along for a while longer, thinking she can still threaten you, control you, and manipulate you. You are still serving a purpose in her life. Sadly it's just part of her fake mask to convince herself and the outside world that all is well. Her twisted way of avoiding much deeper problems of her own.
Think about having the chance to no longer carry around all that extra baggage of hers?
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Post by baza on Feb 4, 2017 18:07:59 GMT -5
"It's 100% your fault that it is 100% your fault" your missus says.
Glad she cleared that up !
Presumably you live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction.
Your missus seems to be labouring under the impression that part of the divorce process involves "punishment" for the spouse who's fault it is that the marriage has tanked. That the courts will rule in her favour because she is blameless.
She is in for a big and nasty surprise when she consults with her lawyer.
Meantime, as soon as the offices are open on Monday, make sure you are on YOUR lawyers doorstep.
Buckle up for a rough ride for a bit Brother McRoomMate.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 4, 2017 19:18:43 GMT -5
McRoomMate... a short checklist: * As Baz suggests, get advice, pronto. Interview 3 lawyers before picking one. In many locales, an initial meeting is free. * Don't tip your hand to her. She's legally restricted once she's been served (moving money, unusual buying or selling, changing payroll deposit) making it harder to be vindictive or underhanded without getting into hot water. And your plans may change once you're better informed; another reason not to draw before you're prepared to fire. * Act when you're ready, but get advice ASAP. Your lawyer can advise on all the local details (like, don't move out, etc.). * Find a friend locally that you can confide in / be your voice of reason. This forum can't do it all; it helps to have someone to talk to in real life.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 19:28:12 GMT -5
THANK-YOU TO EVERY BODY - You are all Well Like Family.
So we had a calm talk with teen age son eavesdropping later in the night.
She said I was the one that pushed her away - that she stopped for intimacy - I pushed her on this - She started linking everything - that I did not talk nice, that I was contemptible towards her.
She said she still loved me and was willing to work at it. That normal couple would be in each others arms and made-up.
She asked if I still loved her - I responded that I have a lot of toxic emotions and resentments and I do not know what is underneath.
We both complained of lack of intimacy and she just wanted to be loved. I asked why she never initiated these things and she said I was the one who was cold and an asshole.
She talked about how all her friends think I am rude and disrespectful to her.
She said I had to be more nice to her and treat her with more respect for intimacy and sex to be in our relationship. She said without all the day-to-day respect it would be impossible. I dont yell at her or abusive - so I am confused.
Then she says that if I am not respectful and show all the time how much I love her than I should just get a Whore.
The “the Go get a whore” comment from her - really struck me as a glimpse that she is using sex / intimacy as a reward. I need to be the person she expects me to be during the day or no sex at night.
Completely not addressed is how can she go months and months with no sex - does not that bother her? She cheated on her husband and the boyfriend she left him for (with me actually). I would suspect she has a lover on the side - fine with me frankly. Assuming she does not - it shows sex is something for her that is linked to good behavior and reward and not something she craves naturally.
When pushing back on her about that I am 100% at fault for our Sexless Dead /Zombie Couple relationship - she finally admitted "I am not perfect" - which sort of in my mind meant maybe I was not 100% at fault then.
I dont know anything right now - still totally confused - I am thinking about my son hearing us discuss these things and the horrible emotions on our children that a divorce will create.
The evening ended with her saying you can come to bed if you want to.
Again THANK-YOU TO EVERYONE FOR EVERY WORD OF YOUR COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. MUCH APPRECIATION !!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 19:31:20 GMT -5
McRoomMate ... a short checklist: * As Baz suggests, get advice, pronto. Interview 3 lawyers before picking one. In many locales, an initial meeting is free. * Don't tip your hand to her. She's legally restricted once she's been served (moving money, unusual buying or selling, changing payroll deposit) making it harder to be vindictive or underhanded without getting into hot water. And your plans may change once you're better informed; another reason not to draw before you're prepared to fire. * Act when you're ready, but get advice ASAP. Your lawyer can advise on all the local details (like, don't move out, etc.). * Find a friend locally that you can confide in / be your voice of reason. This forum can't do it all; it helps to have someone to talk to in real life. Beautiful practical advice DryCreek Very practical good stuff. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 19:33:24 GMT -5
"It's 100% your fault that it is 100% your fault" your missus says. Glad she cleared that up ! Presumably you live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction. Your missus seems to be labouring under the impression that part of the divorce process involves "punishment" for the spouse who's fault it is that the marriage has tanked. That the courts will rule in her favour because she is blameless. She is in for a big and nasty surprise when she consults with her lawyer. Meantime, as soon as the offices are open on Monday, make sure you are on YOUR lawyers doorstep. Buckle up for a rough ride for a bit Brother McRoomMate. thank-you for the solid guidance and help . . . and highlighting the humor / tragic comedy but still I can laugh a little despite the mess in all this |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 19:46:15 GMT -5
Sometimes gallows humor is all we have.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 19:50:46 GMT -5
Sometimes gallows humor is all we have.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2017 20:41:28 GMT -5
THANK-YOU TO EVERY BODY - You are all Well Like Family. So we had a calm talk with teen age son eavesdropping later in the night. She said I was the one that pushed her away - that she stopped for intimacy - I pushed her on this - She started linking everything - that I did not talk nice, that I was contemptible towards her. She said she still loved me and was willing to work at it. That normal couple would be in each others arms and made-up. She asked if I still loved her - I responded that I have a lot of toxic emotions and resentments and I do not know what is underneath. We both complained of lack of intimacy and she just wanted to be loved. I asked why she never initiated these things and she said I was the one who was cold and an asshole. She talked about how all her friends think I am rude and disrespectful to her. She said I had to be more nice to her and treat her with more respect for intimacy and sex to be in our relationship. She said without all the day-to-day respect it would be impossible. I dont yell at her or abusive - so I am confused. Then she says that if I am not respectful and show all the time how much I love her than I should just get a Whore. The “the Go get a whore” comment from her - really struck me as a glimpse that she is using sex / intimacy as a reward. I need to be the person she expects me to be during the day or no sex at night. Completely not addressed is how can she go months and months with no sex - does not that bother her? She cheated on her husband and the boyfriend she left him for (with me actually). I would suspect she has a lover on the side - fine with me frankly. Assuming she does not - it shows sex is something for her that is linked to good behavior and reward and not something she craves naturally. When pushing back on her about that I am 100% at fault for our Sexless Dead /Zombie Couple relationship - she finally admitted "I am not perfect" - which sort of in my mind meant maybe I was not 100% at fault then. I dont know anything right now - still totally confused - I am thinking about my son hearing us discuss these things and the horrible emotions on our children that a divorce will create. The evening ended with her saying you can come to bed if you want to. Again THANK-YOU TO EVERYONE FOR EVERY WORD OF YOUR COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. MUCH APPRECIATION !!! Dear friend, the first half of your post has about six examples of DARVO in it. ( Myself and probably others) can point them out for you. Di-sect them, show you the affect it has on you. However, try to read it over , a day from now, and find them for yourself. Think of it as a training exercise for the future battles that are coming. I think we should have a whole topic about DARVO experiences. I just went through some about cleaning the kitchen, and the teens responsibility, who made the rules and who is responsible for enforcing them, and all the manipulation that occurs from trying to act as leader, disciplinarian, and trying to enforce anything! (that would mean my STBX doesn't have full control!) |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 21:48:14 GMT -5
THANK-YOU TO EVERY BODY - You are all Well Like Family. So we had a calm talk with teen age son eavesdropping later in the night. She said I was the one that pushed her away - that she stopped for intimacy - I pushed her on this - She started linking everything - that I did not talk nice, that I was contemptible towards her. She said she still loved me and was willing to work at it. That normal couple would be in each others arms and made-up. She asked if I still loved her - I responded that I have a lot of toxic emotions and resentments and I do not know what is underneath. We both complained of lack of intimacy and she just wanted to be loved. I asked why she never initiated these things and she said I was the one who was cold and an asshole. She talked about how all her friends think I am rude and disrespectful to her. She said I had to be more nice to her and treat her with more respect for intimacy and sex to be in our relationship. She said without all the day-to-day respect it would be impossible. I dont yell at her or abusive - so I am confused. Then she says that if I am not respectful and show all the time how much I love her than I should just get a Whore. The “the Go get a whore” comment from her - really struck me as a glimpse that she is using sex / intimacy as a reward. I need to be the person she expects me to be during the day or no sex at night. Completely not addressed is how can she go months and months with no sex - does not that bother her? She cheated on her husband and the boyfriend she left him for (with me actually). I would suspect she has a lover on the side - fine with me frankly. Assuming she does not - it shows sex is something for her that is linked to good behavior and reward and not something she craves naturally. When pushing back on her about that I am 100% at fault for our Sexless Dead /Zombie Couple relationship - she finally admitted "I am not perfect" - which sort of in my mind meant maybe I was not 100% at fault then. I dont know anything right now - still totally confused - I am thinking about my son hearing us discuss these things and the horrible emotions on our children that a divorce will create. The evening ended with her saying you can come to bed if you want to. Again THANK-YOU TO EVERYONE FOR EVERY WORD OF YOUR COMMENTS AND SUPPORT. MUCH APPRECIATION !!! Dear friend, the first half of your post has about six examples of DARVO in it. ( Myself and probably others) can point them out for you. Di-sect them, show you the affect it has on you. However, try to read it over , a day from now, and find them for yourself. Think of it as a training exercise for the future battles that are coming. I think we should have a whole topic about DARVO experiences. I just went through some about cleaning the kitchen, and the teens responsibility, who made the rules and who is responsible for enforcing them, and all the manipulation that occurs from trying to act as leader, disciplinarian, and trying to enforce anything! (that would mean my STBX doesn't have full control!) Thank-you greatcoastal True until about 3 hours ago I never heard the word "DARVO" - I start to get it now "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." Appreciated. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 21:49:42 GMT -5
greatcoastal Yes absolutely a thread on DARVO is a damn good idea. I am sure not to be the only one - relatively new here - on what that means and techniques etc. Excellent suggestion for the thread indeed.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 4, 2017 21:53:38 GMT -5
And the Night Ended with Mad Passionate Lovemaking . . . OK well maybe there was pent up resentment and all that on both sides.
We laid in bed . .. on opposite sides and talked - we sort of made each other laugh a little with our arguments in pillow talk mode and then made passionate love after slowly coming together. She seemed to have the biggest orgasm I have heard in years . . . we were interrupted by our 6 year old who was woken up from her room and came in (from my W´s moaning).
OK now I am thinking maybe it is fixed. She said we both have to "WANT" to work together. The evening started with a crescending argument that after 15 minutes we agreed for divorce and 6 hours later . . . passionate love making that we have not had in years. Totally perplexed and amazed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 4, 2017 22:04:37 GMT -5
And the Night Ended with Mad Passionate Lovemaking . . . OK well maybe there was pent up resentment and all that on both sides. We laid in bed . .. on opposite sides and talked - we sort of made each other laugh a little with our arguments in pillow talk mode and then made passionate love after slowly coming together. She seemed to have the biggest orgasm I have heard in years . . . we were interrupted by our 6 year old who was woken up from her room and came in (from my W´s moaning). OK now I am thinking maybe it is fixed. She said we both have to "WANT" to work together. The evening started with a crescending argument that after 15 minutes we agreed for divorce and 6 hours later . . . passionate love making that we have not had in years. Totally perplexed and amazed. Bait and switch. shrink4men.com/2017/01/25/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse-stages-of-grief-rumination/ |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 4, 2017 22:07:09 GMT -5
The “Go get a whore” comment from her - really struck me as a glimpse that she is using sex / intimacy as a reward. I need to be the person she expects me to be during the day or no sex at night. A slant on that perspective... Sex is meaningless to her, except as a tool to manipulate you. That this solution even crosses her mind speaks volumes. I don't think she really gives a rip whether sex is part of your marriage. If she's really still a sexual person, I'd suspect she's meeting her needs elsewhere. I'd also suspect she softened her stance on the "100%" only because she saw it backfired - instead of making you cower, it made you feel it was time to pull the plug. |
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Post by baza on Feb 4, 2017 22:07:22 GMT -5
It looks suspiciously like "re-set sex".
See if there is a follow up conversation along the lines - "now let's forget all this silly talk about getting divorced".
Of course if you get a conversation along the lines - "I have come to my senses and have contacted a therapist to help me sort my shit out and my first appointment is on Thursday February 9th" - then take note.
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