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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 19, 2019 3:49:17 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes - it's both not you and it is you. You defo don't need 30 dates to figure out if there's chemistry. You don't need to give people so many chances.
If you're using online stuff, messaging for a little while to see if we have common interests and a common understanding. None of that, then no in-person date.
I definitely kiss on the first date. No spark, no second date.
Wait a bit for sex, because it clouds my brain. See how he treats me and other people.
Sex soon-ish to see if the kiss translates into passion. I don't expect shamazing sex on the first date. It takes me a while to warm up to people in bed and really let go.
The one bit of self-help advice that has really helped me was nice guys - the kind of guys you want to build a life with won't cross your boundaries. Don't put up the wrong kind of boundaries that only not-nice guys will cross to get to you. Understand what you will allow and not allow. I went into dating with that in mind and it really worked for me.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 2, 2019 13:04:57 GMT -5
That's awesome. I will definitely celebrate.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 2, 2019 12:53:24 GMT -5
Don't ENGAGE. It's over. Grey rock that fucker. Practice saying "You may very well be right."
But at least you have your answer to 'why is he being nice?' it's because he was setting you up for a mindfuck. Which I know is not the kind of fuck you were after.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 30, 2019 14:44:37 GMT -5
Is your wife a mental health professional? Therapy is not always and certainly does not have to be about 'past traumas'- what can be super helpful is therapy which helps you deal with and get unstuck from what's going on right now and find a way to move ahead. If you indeed have come to terms with past traumas you can spend absolutely zero time talking about that.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 28, 2019 14:30:21 GMT -5
^^^^THIS
I had a major depressive episode, too. Also if you are suffering from mental illness like PTSD you owe it yourself, your kids and yes -even to your wife - to get help as well. I didn't get much from talk therapy when I was depressed but it sooooo helpful when I had symptoms of PTSD including depression (from my crap marriage!)
The depression will affect her ability to manager her weight and fitness as well - though I completely call bullshit on the inability to deal with fitness without dealing with asthma first. Yes, it should be managed, but it's possible to move a little bit more which will help with appetite and depression - which should have a knock on effect on weight.
I am a strong proponent as well of the Health At Every Size (HAES) movement - although I don't buy that some of their lines that weight has no effect on joint health - instead one can be HEALTHIER at any size that you start at and fitness doesn't have to be about weight loss. Moving more and lifting weights can also help with T levels in women which has a great impact on increasing libido.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 28, 2019 5:28:32 GMT -5
With my post-SM partner, I once - pre-sex - asked him how quick he could be and I could see the hurt on his face - someone had obvs said something to him before about hurrying up. We hadn't even started yet, but I knew we had to get out of the house (for some reason) and I wanted sex before we left. I explained and now when I ask for a quickie he gets it (and so do I!)
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 24, 2019 10:45:09 GMT -5
I wasn't planning to do a big faffy wedding dress. But I just bought one from eBay. It's a pretty expensive dress but I picked it up cheap. It is the kind of dress I would have wanted if I was doing a faffy dress - so I kinda couldn't resist. Not sure I really do want to wear such a thing. But if I don't use it for ceremony or reception - we can always use it for a little role play at home.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 21, 2019 15:19:42 GMT -5
Flashjohn said: “I have never told any woman I was trying to bed that I am in a sexless marriage because I HAVE told a couple of female friends over the years and neither believed me. "Nice try" is the usual comment I get.” They say that because, “my wife and I don’t have sex” is what many married men say in attempts to get laid. My mom even warned me about that when I was young. She told me about a man who used that as his pickup line then his wife and mistress ended up pregnant at the same time. Well, it was dannyc who said that.
Just to clarify, I did not use that as a conversation starter. I got to know the woman first, asked about her and what she was looking for, tried to find out about her likes/dislikes, opinions, and personality, and after a while, she would ask about my situation. I made my situation clear so she would know what she was getting. I found that the women I met appreciated that I got to know them and understand them before any sexual discussion. I think that is the problem that many men have. They approach women with sex uppermost in their minds, and the women can sense it. A man has to have a genuine interest in a woman, and that cannot be faked.
Amen!! I used a cheating website to find my affair partner(s) and both were in sexless marriages and that was actually quite important to me. I wanted someone who would understand my deal. I also told my current partner about it quite early on. Because he had been in sexless relationships, too I think that made him wary because (like a lot of men) he'd not really thought about the sexlessness coming from the guy. But we were very open and honest about that stuff from the beginning. We recently went two whole days without sex and he made a 'sex date' with me for last night. And I told him how grateful I was that he does that (I've done it, too).
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 20, 2019 5:46:34 GMT -5
This has been my most pleasant surprise. Having a partner who DOES stuff with me. I'd have to draw the line on doing roofing though - I'm terrified of heights. We did just repair the shed roof though by sending his son up there! He loves climbing so was happy to do it.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 18, 2019 5:30:17 GMT -5
My mom was most definitely NOT supportive. That hurt - but it's serious confirmation that my fucked up childhood trained me to choose people who didn't care about my needs. I am very fortunate that I recognised this. I credit one paragraph in a self-help book on boundaries when dating after an abusive marriage and therapy in helping me to choose better.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 17, 2019 13:35:22 GMT -5
In the words of Elsa "Let it go..."
If it was a gift, it was a gift.
But of course, you're perfectly entitled to say something like "Remember when you got in trouble and I had to bail you out - careful financial management now may help you avoid that situation in future because that was my last gift like that."
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 17, 2019 13:20:08 GMT -5
There are some variables, such as the local divorce laws and courts, your spouse's attitude about your outsourcing weighed against their desire to hold the family together, and, your own outsourcing experience. Is it a one night thing or are there deep emotions involved, for instance. I disagree that your spouse takes the high ground. Refusing intimacy is no different morally than outsourcing. In fact, where we outsource, I will gladly argue that we still maintain the high ground because we did not break the deal first. You cannot have "forsaking all others" if there is no "to have and to hold." While I agree with your moral stance - and it's one that's convenient for me to take - I think a lot of people don't. I know at one point in my life - when I was much younger - I didn't. I think a lot of 'outsiders' would afford the 'cheated on' spouse the moral high ground. But as Esther Perel says - "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage" (or similar). I also disagree with the idea that people in SM who outsource do so because they 'fall into it'. I certainly didn't. I made a deliberate decision to do it. I can remember the moment very well - and then I set out to find an affair partner. And I did. I'm not saying that people don't fall into it sometimes - but I wonder how much of that is allowing ourselves to say "Oh it just happened..." when actually part of you wanted it to happen all along. For me, I'd have felt worse if it was a case of 'accidental cheating' - but everyone is different.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 17, 2019 13:16:42 GMT -5
I know my life changed when I started to play rugby. It's super touchy by nature. I mean it's not all 'good' touch - esp. from the opposition. :-) But because you've had your hands up someone's shorts, or they've had their hands wrapped around your thighs... you can basically hug them pretty easily, too.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 10, 2019 14:22:18 GMT -5
lessingham - all of us, I would a hazard a guess that it's 99.999999% of us, have chased the why. 100% of us have at least wondered why. It's ok, we all go through it. For myself, it was only in retrospect that I could see the why didn't matter. And you know what, me leaving didn't fix him either. He's still the same self-centred bastard he always was who likes to go on the attack when he feels he even been slightly criticised or in fact 'knows' he's done wrong. I still don't know why he behaves like that. It cost him his marriage. It continues to cost him peace of mind and an easy life. I will never know. I can guess, but I cannot know for sure. Even if I knew I couldn't fix it. If I could fix it I would, for my son's sake. But to be honest, I have a much better relationship now - better than I thought I deserved. I certainly wouldnt go back to the low standards I did have.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 10, 2019 14:09:57 GMT -5
So here's the thing... doing YOUR SHARE of the household chores will not make someone want to fuck you. However, shirking your household duties certainly doesn't make you MORE fuckable. My ex refused sex and he refused to do basic household chores or childcare. I did more. He expected more and said nothing. I did less and he called me a slug. I stopped altogether and he eventually moved out. I had a messy house but a lot more storage space to clean it back up again once all his crap was gone.
However, my current partner and I have loads of sex and he does at least his share of household chores and appreciates what I do. I make dinner. He thanks me. I do something for him or one of his kids, he thanks me. I've been helping him tidy up his flat that he's giving notice on to live with me. He says it's not my job. I say, well we're making a household, this is a household job and so it is my job, too.
If you have kids, you owe it to them to be a model of a good partner and do your share.
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