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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 16, 2019 11:34:50 GMT -5
Both my ex and my post SM guy are clutzes. They trip over stuff, break stuff and lose stuff.
The difference is that my post SM guy takes responsibility for that, apologises, makes right and does not blame me or gravity or the weather or whatever. Sometimes it's not just what you do, but how you treat what you do.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 12, 2019 4:04:33 GMT -5
deadzone75 I really wanted a nice guy after being with a shitty guy. I love that he lights my fire in the bedroom and he's super nice to me everywhere else. Not that he isn't nice in the bedroom, too - for example, I've noticed that if I'm sick or upset or super busy with work, he doesn't initiate sex, but he is responsive. I noticed that if he's sick or super busy with work or whatever, I don't initiate either. We had a chat about it recently and articulated that we're just being respectful of the other person. Sometimes if you're feeling sick you still want sex, but that should be up to the sick person. I care more about how he feels than needing sex from him at any given moment. And I feel he cares more about how I feel than needing sex from me if I'm not well. He organised a major conference last year and while it was on, I never asked him for sex but let him know I was available if he wanted it - and he's done the same for me. That's nice. It isn't like we're lacking for sex on a day to day basis. He can also be quite naughty in the bedroom ;-)
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 10, 2019 6:29:21 GMT -5
My guy is a nice guy. He's not however a 'nice guy' - using faux niceness to try to get something. When I say he's a nice guy, I mean he's kind, considerate, thoughtful and patient- and not just to me. But to me, my kid, his kids, his colleagues, the little old lady who needs help crossing the road. It's real and it's who he is. It's not just not being rude to servers or kicking puppies, it's an awareness of other people's needs and feelings. It makes him a great lover, too - where he's considerate of my needs and feelings and it sometimes results in him being naughty rather than nice ;-)
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 10, 2019 6:23:50 GMT -5
Yes this above - compatibility and chemistry. This is what I have now...
In my marriage I had no chemistry, and eventually no compatibility.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 9, 2019 3:44:33 GMT -5
Online dating worked for me, but like elynne I did find myself playing the numbers game and sometimes even de-humanising the people I was flipping through. When that happened, I would step back and take a break. When I got a message from my now-partner I was in one of those breaks. To be honest, I only continued to message him because he is a lecturer (like professor for US audiences) in the science I did at undergrad and I kinda missed talking about that stuff. But obviously the more we chatted the more intrigued I was to the point where I said "Well, if this doesn't work out as a dating thing, I want to cultivate this guy as a friend". To be honest that was the first time I'd actually thought that. When we did meet up, t I had a great time and when he kissed me, I was like daaaaaang, that's some red hot chemistry. Very happily, he's just a joy to live with, too. Plus, my undergrad science is back in my life - that's the icing on the cake.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 5, 2019 2:56:42 GMT -5
Oh bfar, yes, women having equal access to things like credit cards, careers, voting and representation or having access to reliable birth control are what's causing sexless marriages. Makes perfect sense.
I was the woman in a sexless marriage. Not my choice. I was the one who wanted sex in the marriage and didn't get it. Eventually though I realised that I didn't want sex with a man who was controlling, bad in bed, verbally and emotionally abusive - including degrading my sexual self - and who'd turned to an ideology of bitterness and resentment (much as you have). I actually didn't want a man who refused to help with child care and insisted that picking up toys in the house was my job "because you're the mother". (I was working pretty much full time and bringing in the bigger paycheck, so no we hadn't agreed this division of labour). I did realise eventually that I didn't want to have sex with a man who was using denial of sex as a method of control.
I eventually escaped that marriage and after a period of singledom I met a wonderful and liberal minded guy who not only helps around the house - including picking up fatherly roles that my ex is too lazy to do - but who also likes to fuck my brains out on a regular basis. He respects my career and my ambitions and those of other women.
We try to treat all aspects of our relationship with openness and generosity, from household chores and supporting each other's jobs (I'm now his social media manager and help him with field work). We keep that spirit of generosity in the bedroom and want to please each other. We've had sex 3 times in the last 12 hours. (Mind you I was away for work for a couple of days, so catching up).
Feminism isn't what's causing your bedroom problems.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 26, 2019 10:05:17 GMT -5
I guess YMMV, but sometimes my post-SM partner says "Let's go out tonight." Last night he wanted to book a weekend away for his birthday, I really wasn't into it (I'm recovering from a cold and a bit grumpy), but I know I wont be sick when his birthday comes in a couple of weeks. But he took charge and booked it. I had wanted to do something else for his birthday, but I hadn't booked it and it's HIS birthday.
So yeah, expressing a desire to be with your partner and taking charge of the planning is great. Him just springing a surprise dinner on me and telling me we are going wouldn't be so cool.
OP, I find the idea of a FAP to be all about image to be...horrific. Attractiveness is great, but there's a lot more to being a good partner and getting yourself together than being pretty.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 6, 2019 3:28:09 GMT -5
Enjoy Mexico! A guy I went to high school with (so not really retirement age) has just moved to Mexico with his wife.
My partner and I live in London and will do until we (at least) retire. We're looking at moving to Wales. We just want to live closer to rocks. He says once we retire we'll have more time for sex. :-) Which I think is hilarious, because to be honest, I'm probably getting close to my upper limit of how much sex I want. I can't believe I'm actually in this position!!! It's fab.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 6, 2019 3:21:42 GMT -5
I can't actually think of much that was good about my ex. Except that he is genuinely funny, very dry, sharp wit. He's quite intelligent, but that's wasted on his 'down the rabbit hole' weird, racist, hateful, paranoid politics.
My current partner is also funny, but more in a silly way - a master of the 'Dad' joke. Even though he's super smart.
The only thing I miss about my ex, in relation to my current partner, is that I could serve him many more different foods. Current partner wont eat fish, any kind of sauce, anything pickled (and a range of other things)... but he does eat one thing my ex never did and that makes up for all of it. ;-)
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 6, 2019 3:02:15 GMT -5
tell porkies To tell a lie or say something that is not entirely true. Primarily heard in UK. The government's clearly been telling porkies about who these tax cuts are going to benefit! I admit I've told porkies on more than one job application. From the old Cockney rhyming slang: pork pie = lie Sometimes "porkies" sometimes "porky pies".
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Post by elkclan2 on May 31, 2019 16:06:41 GMT -5
All this talk about starfish sex - sometimes my guy just sort of 'over-pleasures' me and I stop being fully functional. And then I feel guilty... He says I shouldn't worry, that he likes that I'm zoned from sex. So I guess there's starfish sex and then there's starfish sex.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 31, 2019 15:58:44 GMT -5
Poly? Meh... When I started dating my man, he was looking for a poly relationship and already had someone he was seeing about once a week (as was I). But over time both of our other partners could see we were getting super serious and stepped out of the way. And we slipped into monogamy which is quite deliberate now. I was never really into poly, but it felt 'safer'... I didn't want to end up sexless in a relationship or out of it again. He says he thought poly was the only way he could make sure he didn't end up sexless either. Really you need someone who prioritises your happiness, including your sexual happiness. We are two years in and our sex life is super hot.
In my SM, at the very, very best of times I'd maybe get sex once a week. Mostly not though...
Now I have weeks where maybe there's a day we don't have sex if life is getting pretty chaotic. But after about 36 hours both of us are mentioning it and making sure we set aside time to have sex. But we rarely get to that point. And it's awesome!!
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Post by elkclan2 on May 11, 2019 11:32:23 GMT -5
Hey - how are things going with you @windsister ?
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 24, 2019 4:01:53 GMT -5
I like to sleep on the right side of the bed - because I like to hold his cock with my left hand and masturbate with my right. At his flat that was away from the door, in my house it's next to the door. He seems happy with this arrangement.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 24, 2019 3:57:33 GMT -5
I am planning on getting married again. I just bought a fancy dress... from eBay.
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