Post by lessingham on Feb 24, 2019 11:26:02 GMT -5
A few years back my son got into financial trouble, nothing major but the bank closed his account until payday. I gave him money to tide over a few weeks. Fast forward and recently he was humming and ahing over buying something, as his account was so healthy. I know I gave him the money and it was not a loan (first mistake?) but it rankles me and I have to bite my tongue. Part of me resents him and the fact he cannot see it a a debt of honour. Should I keep biting my tongue? Any further loans will be that, loans not gifts.
lessingham, want to be zen? Never loan money to family or friends expecting to be repaid. If they do, it’ll be a pleasant surprise.
I’ve only had success when payment terms were mapped out up-front and not long-term, like $200/mo for a year. If there’s no payment schedule, there will be no repayment. This is how we work with our young adult kids.
Don’t hesitate to take collateral. I’ll buy things of interest at a good price before blindly loaning money. And I wouldn’t hesitate to require a legal lien on a car or house - not that you’re likely to repo or evict family members, but it ensures that you get paid when it eventually sells (or insurance pays you first if it gets totaled). It also protects a “gentlemen’s agreement” in case of divorce (say, helping newlyweds buy their first house).
As for your son, I wouldn’t hesitate to break the awkward barrier and say “Hey, seeing how you’re now flush with cash and thinking about buying toys, I want to remind you that you still owe me that $500, and that should come first.” He won’t like the idea, but as his parent it’s an opportunity to reinforce proper behavior instead of tolerating bad behavior.
Last Edit: Feb 24, 2019 13:16:07 GMT -5 by DryCreek
Post by worksforme2 on Feb 24, 2019 14:33:53 GMT -5
I believe the conditions of the money changing hands can generally be defined by your own words. "I gave him the money to tide over a few weeks". Now you are a ways down the road and you are unhappy, because unless something happens, it appears you are unlikely to be reimbursed. It seems he also thinks you gave him the money and thus he is not obligated to pay it back. If you are serious about the money then you should bring it up in conversation that you had expected to be repaid once his head was above water again. If he balks then you will have to consider whether the money means that much to you or come to a decision on whether the bank of mom and dad is now closed for him.
Post by northstarmom on Feb 24, 2019 17:17:34 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “Part of me resents him and the fact he cannot see it a a debt of honour. Should I keep biting my tongue? Any further loans will be that, loans not gifts.”
You gave him a gift, not a loan. His response is appropriate. If you wanted to be paid back you should have made that clear at the beginning. Also seems that if he is grown it’s time for him to be responsible for his own financial troubles unless it’s a real emergency such as emergency medical expenses.
In your own words Brother lessingham - "I know I gave him the money and it was not a loan".
End of story. Close the book on that one.
Next time ? Make it clear what the transaction is and negotiate an agreed repayment schedule if it's a loan and get onto it quickly and decisively when the payment(s) are due.
And keep this in mind - The banks are in the business of lending money and have certain lending criteria and methods of risk assessment. That's their business. That's what they do. They do NOT close peoples accounts down for no particular reason. So if lessingham jnr had his account closed down you can back it in that there was good reason. It might be smart to keep that in mind. If the bank don't regard him as a sound risk maybe you shouldn't either.
Post by timeforliving2 on Feb 25, 2019 17:10:00 GMT -5
Another thought: You could also tactfully work on a way to say essentially the following: I'm happy for you that you're doing well financially now. As you might remember I gave you $X,XXX a few years ago when you really needed the money. Although I treated it as a gift to you at the time, it was also a sacrifice by me since I gave up buying some things for myself that I otherwise could have. It's your choice, but if you choose to consider that money I previously gave you as a loan, I would appreciate you paying me back over the next few months.
(Optional: If you do so, it might help ensure that - if you are in financial hardship in the future - I might be able to help you out again.) (Subtle hint: If you don't, I won't!)
I adopted this TWIST on the traditional Serenity Prayer: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." Life goes on. Time marches on. No more status quo. It's time for living.
But of course, you're perfectly entitled to say something like "Remember when you got in trouble and I had to bail you out - careful financial management now may help you avoid that situation in future because that was my last gift like that."
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
Feb 22, 2019 20:28:35 GMT -5
tamara68: Today it's steak and blowjob day! I suppose the steak is for those who don't get a blowjob.
Mar 14, 2019 16:49:49 GMT -5
petrushka: tamara68 Laughing with tears in my eyes. And my steak is going to be semolina gruel, due to some tummy upset :-\
Mar 15, 2019 1:11:10 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: So sad to hear the news from New Zealand. Boston Strong supports Kiwi Strong!!
Mar 15, 2019 7:46:22 GMT -5
petrushka: I was gobsmacked when I heard. This is just not us. In all of 2017 we had 37 murders in the country ..... I think the echo chambers of "social media" have a lot to answer for.
Mar 15, 2019 18:45:45 GMT -5
baza: Feeling for our Brothers and Sisters across the ditch Brother petrushka .
Mar 15, 2019 19:27:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: petrushka, I thought I read the headline wrong (this stuff happens here, not in NZ). It is frightening the hate that is being spread; it makes my heart hurt.
Mar 15, 2019 20:46:54 GMT -5
saarinista: All of us, IMHO, should try to be civil and kind as much as possible in person and online. I actively Tweet (civilly) on political matters and am horrified by the rancor & trolling on both sides of the spectrum, which only inflames unstable people.
Mar 19, 2019 23:21:20 GMT -5