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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 6, 2018 12:04:45 GMT -5
The irony with me jokingly asking women to send me lingerie pics is that the very idea of sexy lingerie seems so remote to me. If a woman makes me feel desired with her words and actions then I'm going to turned on no matter what she is wearing. I'll take jeans and a sweater any day, as long as she wants me. Mmm. Jeans and a sweater. I'm with you brother. It's the relationship, the feeling of being desired. I've gotten excited by a woman in plain, gray, baggy sweats. And wow. It's nice sometimes to show desire in the clothes, but not a prerequisite.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 6, 2018 10:21:28 GMT -5
There are three (3) types of spouses. #1 - is sexually attracted to you #2 - is sexually indifferent to you #3 - is sexually averse to you. If your spouse is sexually attracted to you, then you probably are not a member of this group. But you'd do no harm in reading the linked article. It might provide some hints for you to enhance your love life. If your spouse is sexually indifferent to you, then this linked article by "Kelsey Boressen" might possibly, mebbe, perhaps be worth a read. It is essentially scented candles fare. If your spouse is sexually averse to you, you can forget the article having any relevance for your present ILIASM shithole. But it might be worthwhile reading for future reference - say if in future you end up in a more normal relationship with a spouse who actually IS sexually attracted to you. Quite a good article I reckon, but the target audience appears to be jaded marriages, not ILIASM shitholes. Can a spouse be all three at times? Sort of bipolar about it? Say something like, "I'm hot; want me to take off my pants?" Or grab/slap your butt and say how sexy it is, then be indifferent a short time later? And later still be upset you're aroused by her? I found the article interesting. But I'm not sure it's comprehensive.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 6, 2018 7:15:10 GMT -5
It’s funny how people’s tastes differ. Granny panties!!!! Ugh!! I favor thongs which feel sexy to me even though other women disagree. My refuser ex never noticed. Post sm guy loves my tastes. Let me just give you a word of appreciation. First, that you think of trying to dress attractively and make the effort is awesome. And second, a thong is sexy. The way it frames the cheeks and also looks under pants or a skirt is very nice. You're gentleman is quite fortunate. I'm with a wife who wears black cotton full cut VS bikini panties all the time. Won't try any other kind. Won't wear any attractive lingerie ever. So, you're special.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 6, 2018 5:45:48 GMT -5
Not only is Victoria's Secret not good quality, it's not even HOT. The internet is where it's at. As far as the tugging, from what I know, men like pantyhose, preferably thigh highs. I wear them and they last a long time if you treat them right. (Never had them pawed off me, but if I did, I guess I'd keep back-up.) It's been almost 30 years since a woman put on thigh highs for me and wore them so I could take them off her, so she would make herself even more sexy for me. Oh boy, the good old days. All I can say is you should have appreciation for wearing them.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Feb 1, 2018 17:03:00 GMT -5
How often do you talk with your refuser spouse about your SM? About how unhappy you are, about what you wish your marriage was like, or suggestions for things to try to improve the situation? I’ve been thinking lately that perhaps I’m letting my H “off the hook” by almost never bringing it up. He’s in therapy trying to deal with his issues and hopefully discovering what he may or may not be capable of sexually and intimately in this marriage, and I am just allowing him this time (an undisclosed amount of time that is,) to do this. All while I just play the good little wifey and almost never bring it up so it doesn’t derail whatever progress I am just hoping he’s making. The thing is, I don’t want to upset the peace we have in our household. NO, I’m not happy with our SM -we have talked about it quite a few times - but maybe me not bringing it up regularly is making him think it’s not as big of a deal to me as it is or that it’s not hard for me every single second of the day. So how often do you bring it up? And in what form? Sit down discussions? Snide comments? Screaming fights? I’m not sure any of these would do any good for my situation at the moment beyond just making us both miserable. We never talk anymore because her reaction is so counterproductive and unbelievable that I prefer not to discuss our sexless marriage. I don't know about your musings, but if it is going to help, if there is a chance in your opinion that he will change and he is mature and able to listen to you and discuss, then it's worth it. When I used to bring it up, I'd mention that it had been awhile. At first, this kind of worked positively. When my wife and I tried therapy together, I brought it up and that was when she really went off the rails in her responses. After that, even acting like I needed it when she had not initiated started to be bad. We have had one screaming fight, lots of snide comments from her, some sit down discussions, and even written back and forth in email about it. Right now, things are getting slightly better but still don't want to broach the subject.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 23, 2018 11:09:39 GMT -5
No thank you. When I do have sex now, it's largely this way, very little effort on her part. More of the same is not desirable. If it were not probably too graphic, I'd describe the better kind I've had in the past.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 18, 2018 5:54:31 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold Thank you for chiming in. I hit 40 and my sex drive went CRAZY, which is why I'm sort of wondering if maybe I wait it out, it'll calm down and we can have a good friendship. I've always had a high drive, but in the last year or two, I NEED it several times a day. And if I find someone into me, let's face it, unless he is 20 (which is a turn off and I can't get into little boys--not my thing), I will still have this huge frustration. I even tried Zoloft to stifle my sex drive. It didn't take it away though. It just made orgasm impossible, which was HORRIBLE. I stopped that STAT. Please don't kill your drive with Zoloft. That seems a tragedy. What you wrote reminded me of my experience as a young man, in my early 20's, with a woman about your age. It was probably the most intense sex with a woman who wanted it and wanted more that I have ever had. You have a great gift right now, in my humble opinion. Anyone remember "Maggie May?" Oh, not to brag but the experience of me having sex 13 times in one overnight and the morning was "Unforgettable."
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 17, 2018 6:39:06 GMT -5
northstarmom and greatcoastal I'm super hip that I'm 90% being played. But thinking out loud-- what if he really did change and is all in? What more could he possibly do other than show up fantastically like he is now? Better marriage is possible. I have known other couples who have had one change, more likely both actually changed, and the marriage did resume with happiness and love. I can name two couples I know in my church now and others from the past. One was an alcoholic husband. So it is possible. It's difficult and requires the same or even better effort to learn from past mistakes, treat it like a dating relationship where you get to know one another now, forgive the past, and move on. If the time comes in the relationship to actually have sex, like in a new dating relationship, does it have a freshness and ongoing nature that will last? Just my thoughts.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 15, 2018 6:30:42 GMT -5
james I've already drawn up the legal docs and had a finalization date. I withdrew my petition because he begged and promised and I fell like a sucker for THE RESET. Should I ever be caught, he and my kids would view "the affair/non-affair" as The Thing That Caused The Divorce, and I would be the villain. Even though the affair/non-affair didn't start until after I filed for divorce and remained 100% loyal to one man my entire life. johnwyo1 He does therapy, but progress is VERY SLOW. Yes, the pornography played a role, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't control him. I do not care anymore. I think he is 100% clean, but I can't fix the wiring in his brain. Kudos to my husband for staying in and doing the work. Question for me, I guess, is how many more years do I want to waste seeing if this is legit? I agree with you about the question you posed. How many more years do you want to devote to hoping the marriage will work? Honestly, I have resigned myself to the possibility that my marriage will never meet my needs in the way I expect. I guess it comes down to expectations, right?
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 13, 2018 7:44:14 GMT -5
I am so empathetic to your situation. There are some parallels to my marriage now. I hope that you can find the right decision because when someone asks you back, that's pretty difficult, I think. There is so much history inside you, never mind him, to overcome. The triggers we build up because of their actions and our reactions are hard to remove. The issues with him needing meds to be able to have sex with you will also continue to present a hurdle. Right? To me it sounds like he has so attached his sexual arousal to pornography that if there are added physical challenges it will be difficult to get aroused by a live woman no matter who she is. That's just my guess.
Will you be able to trust him if he's on the computer? Will you be able to be caring and helping for the physical problems? Will he do therapy with you to build things back?
I really do hope for the best for both of you. It's so tough!
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 13, 2018 7:30:08 GMT -5
If my X had offered up sex after every thing I did around the house I would have had bone dry b*lls syndrome as a medical condition. Same here, brother!
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Post by johnwyo1 on Jan 1, 2018 20:49:23 GMT -5
May your new year be good.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Dec 26, 2017 7:11:13 GMT -5
Thanks joywhyo1! I really appreciate your encouragement. Nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear of the challenges you and your wife are facing as well. As a Christian, don't you feel that its hard to talk sometimes about these things??? It shouldn't but I know if my circles their is a huge shame culture. I have friends who have divorced and I am always trying to be an encouragement and help. I am so glad a few of them are well, one is now pursuing ministry which is great, his first marriage fell apart rapidly while he was in theological school. I am impress that you are continuing with therapy. I find it helpful to have someone to talk to, especially in my position. When I tried to talk to a few people whom I should trust, even a pastor, I was told if I don't make things work my life will be destroyed. So I have just kept in... Why did your wife quit therapy? If you are comfortable sharing? Also, do you mind me asking why you split from your first wife? I am afraid of other relationships, even getting a hug from friends, due to the lack of affection in my own relationship, I crave hugs but am a bit afraid. Bless you!!!! I do want to encourage you because I believe there is always hope. You are definitely not alone. As a Christian, it is very hard to talk about these things. There is no way I could go to my pastor about this situation. His gift is not in counseling, first of all, and he would want to talk with my wife and I together so she would then feel terribly embarrassed and accuse me of violating our secrets to him. Anyway, there can also be a lot of shame in the culture, you are right. I did continue for therapy after my wife quit going together and did so for several years until my therapist moved to another state. I do miss having my therapist's advice and listening on all sorts of issues. She was great. I hope you don't keep things in. For me, being able to get therapy with her meant that was able to better discern where I was being selfish, if that was so, and where I was right about things with my wife. My wife quit therapy because the therapist was very even handed about pointing out where both of us needed to work on things. My wife could not handle that. Also, the therapist wanted to work on the things from our past, such as things that happened in our birth families. Both of those went to places my wife could not or would not go. She was and still is not able to accept her responsibility for her problems in our relationship. And, she can't work on the trauma from her father and the problems with her twisted brother. She got too upset and wouldn't go back. I divorced my first wife after I caught her in an affair with a guy she dated in high school. I walked in on her still in bed after he had left. More or less in flagrante delicto. I tried to keep the marriage going but she ran off. After she disappeared with my son, I moved for the divorce because I knew we couldn't reconcile. I, too, can be afraid of hugs and other relationships. Where I live everyone hugs. When a certain friend of ours hugs me, it is body to body and she smells so good, she lingers. Soooo dangerous and enticing. I miss hugs and intimacy, tenderness, very much. Bless you and I will pray for you.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Dec 26, 2017 6:34:25 GMT -5
I am very sorry to hear your story as there are so many parallels to my situation. I don't have any solutions, I don't think, but I can commiserate with you. I am a Christian as well and don't want to get a divorce. I've already made that mistake in my first marriage and have decided to persevere this time. My wife is also a night person and due to my job I have to get up early. My wife has rushed me to hurry up and finish sometimes back when we were having sex more regularly. We tried therapy and my wife quit but I kept going for several years on my own. My wife has accused me of porn use also and made the same sort of statements about wanting her to be like those women. All of that hurts a lot, I know.
I don't think you are being selfish. I think you have found a pretty safe space to talk about this and other issues in your marriage. Life is messy for sure. I can just encourage you not to give up hope, have faith, be faithful to the One who is faithful to you, and live right according to your beliefs. I've found that to be a source of reassurance and comfort. That doesn't fix the lack of intimacy, the lack of sex, the desire to be touched, or all the rest I am craving, but it does make life livable.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Dec 18, 2017 17:08:19 GMT -5
As the season of goodwill is upon us, and many of you face sharing the holidays with a refusing spouse, my advice to you – which may seem counter intuitive – is to do your best not to allow the “poison” of the marriage to affect your appreciation of your refuser’s gifts. I did allow it, and though that fills me with regret now, I understand that it was out of my control because until recently I was unaware of what I was actually doing. It’s only being on the outside, with time passed, that I can now see what I did. Hindsight is amazing, when we have time to reflect. This is my first Christmas without my husband being alive. I miss that he won’t call to tell me his gift is on the way. I regret that all the gifts he bought me, I accepted with distain, at least initially, until I realized how cool and helpful they were to me. I want to thank him for all the wonderful gifts he gave me, and how useful they were, but I can’t do that now. What I can do is share my experience with you, in the hope that sometime down the road – perhaps years from now – you won’t have regrets like me. The most telling event to explain this is when my oldest son was visiting us for Christmas, one year. I opened a gift that I thought was from my son, and I was so moved by it, I was almost in tears. I thanked him profusely, only for him to say, “mom, that’s not from me, It’s from dad.” My whole attitude changed instantaneously. Tears dried up, my appreciation for the gift was sullied. I thanked my husband for the gift, but I never felt the same about it. The toxicity of the marriage, and how he rejected me, and hurt me with “mind games” over years had caused me to be unappreciative of the good things he gave me. I always thanked him, but sometimes, I would be thinking “what do I need this for? It’s too expensive. Why the hell did he buy me this? It wasn’t until later when I found how much I could use the gifts that I appreciated them. I won’t beat myself up for my reactions at that time. I was in tremendous emotional pain, and didn’t know any better. You can’t change that which you are unaware of in conscious mind. A case of can’t see the woods for the trees. I will, however, take responsibility for my then attitude, now I can see it in hindsight. I can’t tell him how much I appreciate all the gifts he bought me, and how I still use most of them. Even this device I’m typing on was from him. He’s all around me. Even the car I drive. What he provided for me does not make up for all the unkindness on his part toward me, but he wasn’t all bad. He had good qualities too, just not so much directed at me. If you can get past the pain (hard, I know, when you are in the thick of it), and appreciate your refuser for their positive traits, this Christmas, your future self will thank you for it. Merry Christmas. 🎁🎄 Thank you so much for this post. My wife does have her positives and her strengths in spite of the issues with sex. I really appreciate your viewpoint and I will do my best to appreciate what is good with her. Who knows? That may improve other areas between us!
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