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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 21:02:14 GMT -5
Which would you prefer:
A partner that cuddles you and loves you and kisses you and who you can share intimate secrets with but who never touches you sexually, or
A partner who you have great sex with, every position and then some, whenever you want, but who cannot be intimate with you and can't even kiss you lovingly?
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 1, 2018 21:13:05 GMT -5
Either sounds better than the neither I have.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 1, 2018 21:20:44 GMT -5
Hmm, depends. I always appreciate a woman I can share intimate secrets with, even if she doesn’t cuddle with me, kiss me, or have sex with me. As for cuddling vs. sex, I believe I would go for the sex 75% of the time. It’s probably from my wife telling me too many times “let’s cuddle instead” when I wanted sex. But right now, I’m not going to turn down either.
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Post by h on Feb 1, 2018 21:26:05 GMT -5
I already have the first. Without the sex, it's just more frustrating than being alone. My W is all about the kissing, cuddling, holding hands, hugging, and even talks to me all the time. I can't allow myself to relax and enjoy the affection because I'm constantly forcing myself to think nonsexual thoughts when she does. Physical affection is a turn on for me and there's no use getting all turned on if it's not going anywhere. Without the sex, I don't want to be touched. I don't even feel comfortable being touched.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2018 21:29:30 GMT -5
Like Brother jim44444 wisely notes, either option would be a HUGE trade up from an ILIASM shithole.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 22:17:22 GMT -5
greatcoastalI think that questions like these help people sharpen their own thoughts. As well as mine. In my case, I get neither from my wife; but for a couple of years we did have intimacy without the sex (any attempts I made to go further were rebuffed, sometimes apologetically and sometimes angrily). But having neither of them now, I'd go for the intimacy any day. I'm interested if that is the consensus. I think that M2G's recent post about how his two adventures last week have already lost their appeal, and the fact that they seemed to be heavy on sex and light on intimacy, points to that conclusion. But people who have neither often think that the lack of sex is the issue, and I think that the intimacy is more important. So this thread might be helpful for some.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 22:51:03 GMT -5
Agree with jim44444, both sound better than the neither I have. But, forced to pick just one, I’d pick the former because of the intimacy. As much as I miss sex, it’s the intimacy I’m starving for.
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Post by surfergirl on Feb 1, 2018 22:55:25 GMT -5
Right now? Tie me up, lick me, and make me scream. Maybe I'll feel cuddly after that....
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2018 22:55:54 GMT -5
@shynjdude I am so glad you use the word "intimacy"! Not to toot my own horn- but I have tried to repeatedly use that word in conjunction with sex on here as much as possible. ( I hope it sticks) Previous posts have given several men an outlet to voice just how important intimacy is above sex and it's got to be included with sex.
Too much of the world of entertainment paints men ( and some women) as "sex ,that's all you think about" a voice for sex and intimacy, intimacy and sex is strongly needed and appreciated.
It gores back to the vows, "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to honor and respect". Sound kind of simple, yet here we are....
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2018 23:33:02 GMT -5
People approach a marriage running their own agenda. Lets say there are 26 agendas possible. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
Lets say that - a - is financial b - is social standing c - is kids d - is having an extended family e - is religious belief f - is (insert your own favourites her all the way up to "w" x - is robust sex life y - is intimacy z - is love
Now along come Joe and Joette to the altar. Joes agenda is x and y and z Joettes agenda is x and y and z too. Off Joe and Joette go and have a great life.
Next up are Dick and Dickette Dicks agenda is a and b and c. Dickettes agenda is x and y and z. Off they go on a meandering trip of indeterminate length before detouring to the divorce court.
Tom and Tomette step up. Tom is there for a and b and c. Tomette is also there for a and b and c. No reason why they can't have a successful deal.
Point being, that if both people are there for the same key reasons then they are a great chance of forming a strong sustainable union. And, if one is there for j k and l, but the other is there for p q r then a fuck up looms as their future.
Then of course, you get the lying bastards who say they want, say, x but actually are revolted by it, and are really only there for a. That will end up in a big fuck up too.
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Post by wom360 on Feb 2, 2018 0:01:48 GMT -5
Right now? Tie me up, lick me, and make me scream. Maybe I'll feel cuddly after that.... You’ll need the aftercare.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 2, 2018 1:56:31 GMT -5
In my SM, for a long time my ex liked to cuddle, etc. It was me who withdrew from it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. And I did have a sexual relationship outside my marriage which was kinda like the sex with no intimacy, but certainly not entirely.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 2, 2018 4:57:44 GMT -5
I wanted both when I got married. And that’s not an unreasonable thing to want.
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Post by M2G on Feb 2, 2018 6:35:17 GMT -5
Well to answer a few at once: Sex IS all I think about when I can't get it at home. I would even take a little cuddling from time to time but here in this cold marble castle there shall be none of that, ever. I want what we used to have - crazy mind-blowing screaming tied-up orgasm sex and intimacy - I don't think that's unreasonable at all, but sitting here waiting for whatever magic beans are needed to put things right is just a fantasy.
Going off with other women - could fill the gap for a time but, it's like throwing a can of gas on fire: a big bright ball of scorching heat that very quickly turns into nothing but blacked ashes. May as well just numb myself with alcohol or whatever (which is a bad idea as well).
Getting out of the SM is hard - so much history, so much attachment, so much (now platonic) love. Reminds me of a quote from Frank Zappa: "It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia."
Sometimes I envy those of you that never had a great sexual relationship at all - as I'm sure others wish they'd at least had that for a while.
Neither one seems worth a damn once the SM kicks in.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 2, 2018 10:16:13 GMT -5
In my marriage, if I could only have one I'd take the intimacy. Then perhaps I could have a happy and somewhat fulfilling home life and when I really need NSA sex I could outsource. I think that would make me happier than having as much sex as I want with my H but zero intimacy. Outsourcing for just sex is much less complicated than outsourcing for intimacy. I believe you'll always feel closer to the person you have intimacy with over the person you have intimacy-free sex with. So if I had my druthers I'd want to be closer to my H than to an AP, therefore: intimacy over sex for me.
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