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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2018 21:21:00 GMT -5
If your spouse would suddenly decide to give sex as often as you want, but s/he is unenthusiastic about it - meaning "starfish" for the wives and the equivalent for the husbands - would that be enough to change your opinion on staying vs. leaving?
Let's add that they tell you that they are doing this to make you happy, but they clearly would not do it for any other reason.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 22, 2018 21:25:39 GMT -5
No. Let me qualify by saying I stayed in my marriage, but that was because my wife needed me to take care of her. But I am not into starfish sex at all. I really want someone to enjoy me.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 22, 2018 21:32:36 GMT -5
I think many of us are using the word “sex” when what we really mean is that we want to be seen, known, and understood— intimacy.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2018 21:41:56 GMT -5
I think many of us are using the word “sex” when what we really mean is that we want to be seen, known, and understood— intimacy. I think so too, but that's why I'm asking. It does seem like some of the outsourcers are quite happy with sex without intimacy. I know I need and crave intimacy (although I don't think I'd turn down great sex without it if offered.) It might be interesting to also ask the question about having the spouse act like a professional, with great sex - but no love. I find it hard to imagine, though, because in this scenario the spouse is doing it for you, which is at least being considerate towards your needs, to the best of their abilities.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 22, 2018 21:49:59 GMT -5
I lied to myself and said my affair/non-affair was just about sex. It actually really contained nothing else, not even dinner or conversation.
Do I want it back? HELL YES.
But I realize I’m settling for crumbs when there is a steak dinner some man would be thrilled to give me.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 22, 2018 21:53:52 GMT -5
Maybe I’m just getting greedy.
Or I realize I’m prime— 41, love sex, look good, rich — and thinking: WHAT THE HELL. Is this a joke? I can’t do better than reset sex from the husband and getting dumped by my no-strings non-affair partner for a 23-year-old who isn’t even hot?
Dear lord. Somebody just shoot me.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2018 21:58:27 GMT -5
The sex was not the only signiificant problem in my deal. Though it sure as shit was a highly significant problem among about 5 other highly significant problems.
However, if I had been getting a regular good quality root, I reckon that may well have been able to stick it out longer than I did. Other issues not withstanding.
However, your theoretical Brother @shynjdude , disbars a good quality root and has starfish rooting as the only option.
In that case, it would NOT have been enough to change my opinion on staying vs. leaving.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2018 22:17:07 GMT -5
That's not "giving" sex. That is just "taking".
Fortunately the FOG (Fear, Obligation,Guilt) has lifted and I know better.
It would (and did) only strengthen my reason for leaving. Basically , it's being told, " It's meaningless to me, there is no desire. I only do it as a duty, or to get control over you."
If they said ,"they are doing this to make me happy, but would clearly not do it for any other reason". Fortunately I now know better. That is just more "manipulative controlling" a re-set, their way of getting you to "shut-up".
That goes back to the old joke about, "would you have sex for with me for a million dollars?" She replies," Well that's a lot of money, Okay." He then asks "will you do it for a dollar?" She replies, " of course not! What do you think I am, a whore?" He says, "we've already established that. At this point we are simply negotiating."
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Post by h on Jan 22, 2018 22:18:38 GMT -5
The sex alone without the desire isn't enough. I need to feel the emotional connection and bonding, not just the physical sensation of a living, breathing Fleshlight.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2018 22:21:06 GMT -5
I think many of us are using the word “sex” when what we really mean is that we want to be seen, known, and understood— intimacy. You will find that many of us do our up-most, best to use those two words together. Sex and intimacy. Just like giving and receiving.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 22, 2018 22:22:21 GMT -5
I want to amend my previous answer. I think the word I’m looking for is WANTED.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 22, 2018 22:30:04 GMT -5
I want to amend my previous answer. I think the word I’m looking for is WANTED. I can totally relate to this! I remember doing video chats with my AP. We’d give each other that look, undressing each other with our eyes. It was even better in real life. What I would give for that! I wish we all could get that sometime. surfergirl, I hope some man gives you that soon.
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Post by brian on Jan 22, 2018 23:08:31 GMT -5
Just give me a toy and some lube. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. That kind of sex sucks. I tried it. I don’t like it. I choose to never do that again. However, if I run across someone who wants to have sex with me, even if it’s just once, I’m all in. Probably because I’ve been neglected for so long, any attention and desire thrown my way is much appreciated and gladly reciprocated. Long term... there’s gotta be more.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 23, 2018 0:10:03 GMT -5
In my deal, H tried to “give” me what he could when I finally was at a make-or-break decision point. The foreplay was not acceptable and that’s all there was. After this fraternal experience I realized that even if he were willing to, that’s not the same as wanting to. Even if he wanted to, foreplay (or toyplay) was all I could hope for. And even if he could somehow get better at it - that still would be all it could ever be. When it dawned on me that even if all these unlikely events occurred & he could somehow build back up to “as often as I would want it” - that still wouldn’t be enough to make me happy ... that’s when my decision was made & I took the last steps to leave.
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Post by tiredoftears on Jan 23, 2018 3:02:47 GMT -5
I would gladly take it and pretend he was a paralyzed patient and I his nasty nurse, or any other fantasy I could attach, and be beyond happy with it.
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