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Journey
Sept 12, 2017 8:24:18 GMT -5
Post by McRoomMate on Sept 12, 2017 8:24:18 GMT -5
Hi itme I'd suggest you have let go of anger too. Right now she might seem a dear friend but I'd counsel that she is a false friend. Anger and resentment - they've definitely got to go. They are not your friends and you have to work through them and discard them if you are ever to truly 'move on'. My anger took about a year to work through; one day I realised it just wasn't there anymore. Later, I remember sitting with a marriage guidance counsellor and her saying "Well whatever happens you are in a better place than most of the people who sit in your chair" I asked "why?" and she just said "You're not angry anymore". Grief has to be worked through too, though for me that wasn't that big an issue. Regret for the wasted years is the one I find most difficult and still struggle with. Good luck, it's worth the effort I disagree. Yes, hate and resentment need to go, but anger is healthy. Anger is a justifiable emotional response to being wronged. If handled correctly, anger leads to action to right the wrong. The only problem is when no action is taken and the anger is left to fester into resentment. But critically I actually DO NOTHING about it - just let the resentment grow in my head. Edited to add: My goal is to get back in touch with my anger. I let mine fade into a cold, bitter resentment for too long. I need to stoke the fires and let it burn hot again. Only then will I have the strength of will to cut the bonds when the time comes. I have only decided so far when I will decide. When the time comes, I need to be prepared to burn that bridge and keeping that anger (and the justifiable reason for it) fresh in my mind is how I intend to do it. Scenario: Bob slaps me in the face and it hurts and I become angry. Option A: I do nothing and fantasize and obsess that Bob hit me in the face and humiliated me and caused me pain. Over time, I get a resentment in my psyche about it and it is toxic and my spiritual condition is further toxic. Option B: I feel the pain and then respond appropriately maybe fight back in self defense, run, or call the police. The anger subsides and I have fears about what to do? I weigh calling the police or revenge or doing nothing and letting it go. I acknowledge that Bob was wrong to slap me and/or see my part in it (did I do something to deserve the slap in the face or at least did I say or do something that provoked it where I was wrong). I meditate and take appropriate action. No resentment. Anger gone. Now to overcome fears on what to do next and DO the next right thing as I see it.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 12, 2017 1:51:44 GMT -5
Yes anger sucks and anger morphs over time into resentment (Latin to "Re-sentire" or "re-feel"). The resentments can go round and round in my psyche and deeply root and nestle in my subconsciousness.
I think when I was my most toxic it was due to a psyche saturated with resentments. And when I had rid my self of them . . . and that took a lot of work focusing on "Acceptance"and other actions. It did not happen over night and I still need to rid myself of resentments from time to time. Now though the big thing is GRIEF- I am grieving the end of my marriage and family as a united unit.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 12, 2017 0:20:29 GMT -5
My Experience with Dating Apps:
Tinder - A lot of the Women I met seemed to be "Broken" (tragic lives and now searching on Tinder), some were really good faith and good hearts - In my brief 2 month experiment I probably went on about 20 dates (not hook-ups just meeting over coffee or dinner or something) - believe it or not - I did not lie about anything and did not sense they were either. The Ladies did tell me the Men on Tinder are shameless and do not waste time "confirming" the Hook-up only to get rejected/deleted fast.
I only "met" one Lady that wanted a FWB all the others were seeking serious relationships. I would say "Tinder" too is broken in that there are thousands of Men seeking to get laid that night and thousands of women looking for serious romance. I did hear of one lady whose best friend met the "Love of Her Life" on Tinder so yes it is possible but time consuming and a lot of work.
Match.com - much more serious batch of ladies and men it seemed to me.
Badoo - Somewhere between the two.
I would suggest trying Match.com though you have to pay for membership. Enhancing the Resume - of course - but you can discern and weed thru that.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 12, 2017 0:12:33 GMT -5
Today is my second Psychotherapist session. Mainly going because I am so confused inside my heart.
A good journey to be on. Yes, consider me next to you even if only in Spirit.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 13:54:12 GMT -5
Well I am right now in the process.
Since I separated I can tell you for the first time in many years - I am watching what I spend and serious long term reduction in life style. Such is the price of freedom.
I am trying as best I can to live BELOW my means and even that seems hard.
I saved up just enough to move out and have my own apartment.
Damn good subject.
Now the economy and my industry is going thru massive changes and it is time to evolve/adapt or die off like the dinosaurs so one of my main obessions now is reinventing my business in light of all the changes. Basically about 80% of what was making money in my industry is for the historians and archaeologists now.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 11:44:25 GMT -5
Very funny story - Reminds me of "Fight Club" Movie and Vibrator going off in the bag at the Luggage Claim. My previous visit, I had a Max in my suitcase (as in Max and Nora - look it up). That would have been interesting had it gone off LOL. Hoooooly Sh-------t !!! Wow that is serious High Tech connecting at a distance. LMAO.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 10:48:00 GMT -5
Very funny story - Reminds me of "Fight Club" Movie and Vibrator going off in the bag at the Luggage Claim.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 10:10:11 GMT -5
"Ratun sed non consummatum" (Ratified but not consummated). Not that Canon Law would over rule a State law but worth mentioning even the Catholic Church will consider a Marriage void if never "consummated". canonlawmadeeasy.com/2013/12/19/canon-law-and-consummating-a-marriage/However it seems many states have abandoned the lack of consummation as a grounds for annulment. It will depend of course what Country / State law applies. OTherwise, like Shamwow says - no fault divorce assuming no one gets wise to building a case against and true so true, the "truth" can often get lost or twisted into something else in a Court of Law unfortunately.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 6:21:29 GMT -5
Yes, in the cases where the couple is "dysfunctional" for many reasons - as already said that sexless marriage is the proverbial "canary in the cage."
We all know many on these forums who H or W has serious medical/psychological (ED, asexual personality, early sex abuse/trauma survivor, strict religious morality, etc.) reason against Sex in general and the author does not even give these cases even a brief one liner.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 6:14:06 GMT -5
My experience with antidepressants was that neither love nor lust was suppressed only suicidal emotions. Meds didn't keep me from having passionate sex and deep love with my post sm partner. Shep, have you considered individual counseling? Your marriage that has never included the sex and romantic live expected in western marriages is probably the reason for your depression. Individual therapy could help you figure out what to do is that you see what you have been missing. EXCELLENT IDEA !!! I just started my first session with a psychotherapist - as I am in the middle of a mess - in terms of romance and I am on anything but the Kiddie Coaster - and sometimes wonder if I even have a shoulder harness. Kiddie Coaster sounds pretty nice from here. What I found so far is the therapy helps me see clearly as my heart tends to be a whirlwind kaleidoscope of emotions / desires / "thoughts".
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 4:47:03 GMT -5
Good article. It is so easy to beat myself on this Guilt, guilt, guilt. Did I try enough? The pain for my children. etc.
I too feel ashamed right now - I do not tell anyone outside close friends I trust.
The good news now at least my separated wife has lost weight, generally seems in good spirit, and is the best shape of her life and my children seem very happy - son not so mad at me any more (he said I could even take him to school sometimes) and we are just separated now 5 months.
The best part of the article for me was the end as baza quoted "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time."
Hindsight is 20/20 and for the Big "D" even more so.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 0:47:52 GMT -5
shep40 Bravo for focusing on keeping your emotions in check and navigating your new experience as best you can. Those emotions can sure get out of control sometimes. Sounds like you are keeping a level head thru your experience as best one can. They do call it falling "Madly" in love for a reason but maybe it is something else. Of course, only you know what is going on and it can be a roller coaster ride one way or the other. Making life changing decisions based purely on emotions can be high risk and have crazier consequences. You are already on anti-depressants I believe I bet these can help too during this roller coaster experience you are on now. I aint no doctor or no medical expertise - just to be clear (if it was not already).
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 0:23:43 GMT -5
I was at the county retirement home for a county for a Civic meeting and as you enter the cafeteria there is a giant poster with what looked like the little old lady from Golden girls, saying, yes even at this age you still need to wrap it up, and there was a big bowl of condoms. That is awesome. It reminds me of "The Villages" - a retirement community in Florida that at one point had the highest Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) rate in the country - and you have to be at least 55 to live there. Yes, practice safe sex, but when I read that a retirement community is on fire to do an STD epidemic from rampant wild sex among retirees. Well that definitely shows Libidos can run high well into the Golden Years. One of my best friends is a retiree in his 70s and he happily claims to be having the "Best Sex of his Life" now. nypost.com/2009/01/25/retire-to-the-bedroom/
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 10, 2017 16:36:58 GMT -5
Very involved thread. Massive amount of postings. Proving this is the most authentic Forum about this Subject and all that falls in the mix.
Just to clarify my impression is the H was not into intimacy and going for mechanical sex and sustained refusing over time - maybe not at the very beginning - but over time.
Refuser becomes counter refuser and vice versa ad inifinitum.
He said /She said / did what etc. The bottom line is it is an SM NOW and has been for a long time it seems.
So maybe no one is entirely innocent - but what does that change?
Shep40 has experience passion and from what I can gather at least a massive infatuation and probably a full on activation of not the mere "sex drive" but the LOVE DRIVE. The most powerful force just about in the human psyche.
Here is an Excellent lecture by Dr. Fischer on the "LOVE DRIVE".
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 9, 2017 1:57:29 GMT -5
shep40 , welcome to the club nobody wants to be in, and, my condolences for your ordeal. I'm going to assume you're from a Christian background. Normally, I don't make long posts, but I can't make a Cliff's notes version of this. The first thing I would like you to consider is shedding your guilt over what happened. You've been a saint, dealing with this for as long as you have. I would like to give you some scripture to go along with this, which helped me from my perspective, and, I hope helps you. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Shep40, your husband has been depriving you in clear violation of his vows. I don't think I need to quote from Eclesiastes to remind anyone what G-d thinks about people that break their vows to him. My perspective is at odds with society. From my vantage point he made a promise he did not fulfill. He is the cheater. He has cheated you out of two decades of a basic human need. In this day and age of modern medicine, there is no acceptable excuse for that. I want to extend this to English common law. If there was a contract for services that the provider could not or refused to fulfill, the customer was then free to find services from another provider. I know my perspective is different from society, but society does not see the abusive nature of forced celibacy. You married with full faith that he would fulfill his vows. He has not. He never told you that you would live a celibate life with him. You never consented to this abuse. Your deal was "to have and to hold", and he cheated you out of that. F--k what society thinks!!! Absolutely contract violated. H broke his vows FIRST by not honoring. Shep40 has clean hands here and even Saints sin - but they are still Saints.
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