Post by allworkandnoplay on Sept 10, 2017 1:12:07 GMT -5
This article is a bit dated (from 2013), but I thought it would spark an interesting discussion. I did a quick search on the author and she seems to be a bona fide doctor/sexologist, but if this article is any indication she has no clue about sexless marriages. She chalks everything up to "deeper" issues leaving sex as the symptom rather than a potential root cause. She dismisses statistics and other research that we here cling to as unimportant at best, and misleading or wrong at worst.
Of course there is a statistically "normal" range for sexual activity. And if 20% of couples are sexless, than there's another 20% that are doing double-duty to pick up their slack. So if you consider yourself normal to high sex drive there's a rough indicator of the frequency you might expect.
She's right that sex issues are rarely the real issue, but for the same reason just coaching couples through intimacy isn't the fix that she seems to suggest.
Classically, her attitude toward "sex isn't that big of a deal" suggests that she has never found herself being refused, and in fact her husband might find himself in those shoes. That in itself is a very closed-minded attitude for someone who should know that emotional needs vary greatly by individual.
If her basic premise is indeed that the paucity of sex is a symptom of a deeper dysfunctionality, I believe that she is correct.
Most stories here start off along the lines that - "everything is great bar the sex". Then, as the story is fleshed out, it invariably shows deep dysfunctionality and incompatibility, every bit as bad and unsatisfactory as the plummeting sexual component of the deal.
FWIW, I divorced 7+ years ago.
It was not over the sex.... although that was "part" of the story.
It was over about 5 different issues, alcohol, gambling, mental issues, different values, incompatibility to put them in no particular order. And, unsurprisingly in such a dysfunctional dynamic, there was no sex. The sex was not "the" issue. None of them were "the" issue taken in isolation. But taken in total, they were a dealbreaker.
Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 6:21:29 GMT -5
Yes, in the cases where the couple is "dysfunctional" for many reasons - as already said that sexless marriage is the proverbial "canary in the cage."
We all know many on these forums who H or W has serious medical/psychological (ED, asexual personality, early sex abuse/trauma survivor, strict religious morality, etc.) reason against Sex in general and the author does not even give these cases even a brief one liner.
Last Edit: Sept 11, 2017 6:47:19 GMT -5 by McRoomMate
Post by flashjohn on Sept 12, 2017 11:43:17 GMT -5
Oh so she says that sexual issues are a symptom of a deeper problem. As SmartKat says, "In other news, the sun rises in the east."
OF COURSE there are other problems. And of course, it is because one or both partners don't want to do the work to resolve the problem.
But making a blanket statement that you shouldn't divorce over a sexless marriage is ridiculous. Sexlessness was a big part of my joke of a marriage, but that was not the only problem. My refuser was also cruel, abusive and selfish. If she did not get her way, she would throw a fit until I agreed to whatever she wanted. When I asked her about the lack of sex, she would insult me. My feeling is that she did this in order to discourage me from asking again. It was very effective.