I'd make this observation - given the opening line - "When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 . . . . ."
I would bet good money that in the intervening 4 years to now her attitude to the divorce, her friends and family and kids and everyone else involved attitudes have mellowed out a lot.
My experience (over 7 years out) is that no-one gives a fuck that I am divorced now, or "why" I am divorced.
I've got friends (men and women) who are divorced. Hasn't changed my opinion about them as people one iota.
Short term, you may get judgey fuckwits (like the "glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church" as described in the article. I would again bet good money that these people are no longer major players in her life now, 4 years on.
In an ILIASM shithole, "time" is not your friend. Post ILIASM shithole, "time" is your very good friend.
That's not to say there won't be judgey fuckwits in the immediate aftermath of a divorce. There quite likely will be. But it doesn't last. Peoples interest in your divorce wanes very quickly. They have their own shit to deal with to have much ongoing interest in your life.
This "Ellen Myers" does say (4 years down the track) - "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of." She doesn't sound like those previously judgey fuckwits are playing much of a role in her life now.
Thanks greatcoastal it's an interesting read and I'd agree with what she says in the article. I'm separated but for me separated or divorced it's all the same to me. The key fact is that I'm out and the marriage is over
I've encountered a little judgement from one or two of my wife's friends but I don't give a shit; they should know better at their age.
I told my family and friends that there was to be no taking sides and they've all stuck to that. They just see it as a sad event for two people they know - that's it.
As for work, as long as I turn up on time and do my job they really don't care; which I consider a very health attitude.
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2017 13:48:24 GMT -5
One part of this article that hit home is the "embarrassment that I wasn't able to make this marriage last". For me that helps explain the warning of red flags, keeping the peace, and going along to get along- having any of my boundaries and needs run over like a tank.
Therapy was like a detective interrogation process, showing so much of the manipulation, ( much to my advantage). It lasted about a year. Add onto that this sight, shrink4men several good books, and Divorce Recovery, and I am ready for zip code therapy.
Even though we are still legally married. There's been enough changes over the past two years to see who's going to side with you, be against you, not care at all, and those who will be very helpful in my new beginning.
So...the embarrassment takes a back seat to doing what has been desperately needed for myself and my teens. The embarrassment diminishes with time as my new life with new people emerges.
Post by McRoomMate on Sept 11, 2017 4:47:03 GMT -5
Good article. It is so easy to beat myself on this Guilt, guilt, guilt. Did I try enough? The pain for my children. etc.
I too feel ashamed right now - I do not tell anyone outside close friends I trust.
The good news now at least my separated wife has lost weight, generally seems in good spirit, and is the best shape of her life and my children seem very happy - son not so mad at me any more (he said I could even take him to school sometimes) and we are just separated now 5 months.
The best part of the article for me was the end as baza quoted "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time."
Hindsight is 20/20 and for the Big "D" even more so.
Last Edit: Sept 11, 2017 4:48:55 GMT -5 by McRoomMate