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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 2, 2017 3:01:21 GMT -5
Northstarmom - I find your posts interesting and helpful to read and will think about them carefully. I have a long history of having been emotionally and physically abused since childhood and have been sexually assaulted a couple of times as an adult - including being raped by my first husband. My second husband was lovely and very caring but asexual. hopingforchange - His antidepressant was increased by 50% after another major depressive breakdown in March. Stupid me, I hadn't thought about that! The AD he takes is well known to cause ED but it works for him and as he rapidly becomes actively suicidal I am very, very, reluctant to suggest medication change. He did mention Viagra to me a few months ago though. After many years of dysfunctional relationships - and having a vague awareness that I might have something to do with it (ahem) - I started going to a psychotherapist a while ago - about 5 sessions later and I am learning more about myself in a month than I could have ever figured out. The focus of my psychotherapist sessions is relationships -and everything is contributing to this from early childhood and relationship with parents and personality characteristics that emerged. Well worth it if you ask me. If you can - try going to a psychotherapist or similar professional and even start off your session with the above post you made.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 1, 2017 12:55:51 GMT -5
Erectile Dysfunction problem - nothing more and nothing less??? . . .
Kissing and cuddling . . . it is not much further to go all way when there is that kind of physical attraction and intimacy.
Ask his Doctor to prescribe him Viagra or Cialis. Sounds like it is an ED problem due to medication and he may be embarrassed about the ED - Any man would.
If he is too embarrassed you can order on the Internet. Worth a try?
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 30, 2017 3:26:11 GMT -5
Wow. Heavy dose of reality. Well it does not have to be 15 years again. NO it is not written in the Book of Destiny that you have to endure this.
You can end it now and move on.
With this heavy dose of reality might be needed a heavy dose of honesty and courage to go forward.
I hope it works out.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 27, 2017 0:30:21 GMT -5
True story. Got home late from work. Everybody was upstairs getting for bed. Kids say hello, missed you daddy and all the nice little pleasantries from these wonderful kids one would expect when you get home from work. Wife is already in bed (she wakes up super early for work) so I dont see her. Had dinner and then she calls up. We talk a little bit about our day and then she asks for a foot rub (usually a pre-cursor to sex) while rubbing her foot (yeah I can be a nice guy at times), Im standing and her other foot is pressed firmly against my groin. We both notice, she doesnt move it away. Im done with the foot rub so I leave the room. As I exit the bedroom she calls out to come to bed soon. Record scratch...pause the scene. WHAT??? What part of we no longer sleep in the same bed did you somehow forget? She corrects herself. "Tell the kids to get to bed soon". Yeah fuck that. We both know what you said. Nope. Not happening. And that boys and girls, closes out another chapter in the adventures of Daddeeo. See you next time, same bat time, same bat channel. Well this sounds like "Counter-refusing"? Sounds like she was "in the mood"? How are you feeling about this? I became the counter-refuser too eventually . . . a couple life is dynamic and goes up and down, sometimes all the way down never to go back up again. Whatever is going on inside and next. Empathy and support sent your way.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 25, 2017 17:46:51 GMT -5
Well religiously, I have talked to other Muslim women. secretly. And they have told me that if a man doesn't go to his wife once every 4 months, then she has grounds for seeking a divorce. My husband had lectured me on the evils of female nudity. Then I found out from a book that looking at your spouse and finding pleasure in it is one of the greatest marital pleasures. When I told my husband, he just walked away. He'll walk around sometimes with no shirt and it makes me want to stab it lol I hate looking at it after hearing these little lectures on and off for years at a time. And 72 virgins - thats a different sect than the one we are from. So no issue there. So I know after doing more reading and stuff, that its complete bs. He's just using religion as a platform to validate how he really is. My separated wife said I had ZERO empathy and she would say I needed to make more efforts. My situation is perhaps a little different for I was neglectful and a large chunk of the blame for our SM can go to me too. If I may though, your H sounds like he is "GASLIGHTING" you, reversing all these reasons and justifications where you are to blame. I will agree with ironhamster, but he really does seem like a special kind of A-Hole or jerk. Has your H taken any OWNERSHIP of your SM? Is this all your fault in his eyes? That is something we may have in common. My W when we first argued and threatened the Big "D" said I was 100% to blame - I pushed back and said 100%? OK I see my part in where things went wrong but 100% my fault? We have since at least agreed we both did things badly and we BOTH neglected our couple. Here is the 64 Dollar question: Is your H constantly blaming you for the SM? Does he even acknowledge he has at least SOME responsibility? Muslim or Christian both traditions are fully 100% on affection and sex between H and W. Female nudity a sin? WTF? I would ask him his authority for that interpretation - I am no Imam but that sounds like total BS to me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 24, 2017 5:27:16 GMT -5
Very wonderful to read your update. Congratulations and welcome back !!!
I really liked your point about "micro-relationships" I can tell you I hit the Tinder/Match/Badoo circuit pretty heavy and probably went on about 20 to 30 dates with different women I met. About 90% of them was just to meet different women - I did not lie my way into bed or anything like that. A few of them got physical and a little emotional but there was not the "chemistry" there. I learned a lot about myself and especially from hearing all their stories.
Happy hunting !!!
And more importantly - let me hear your wise words on working on yourself. I actually have been seeing a psychotherapist for a month now and it is really helping digging under the surface of what makes me tick.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 22, 2017 1:39:18 GMT -5
The problem with all these "Personality Disorders" is that many have characteristics of all of them. Personally, I have traits of narcissism, addictive, and sociopathic. I was hanging with a friend of mine who works at a center for mentally ill and I told him that I think I have all 3 of these and he smiled and laughed and said "Like all of us." darktippedrose of course you have a heart filled with love and "empathy" to put it in psychological terms.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 20, 2017 10:50:37 GMT -5
It is a mutually toxic situation.
Highly unlikely: Refuser / Asexual Partner forces her/himself to engage in sex. Starfish sex rings a bell here. Maybe faking it for a while.
More Likely than not: Refused stops asking and goes into some neurosis, here are two examples:
Choice A: "bad behavior" to compensate (porn addiction, outsourcing, etc.) this usually will only fulfill the "sex drive" and the need for intimacy being totally void, the Refused will compensate by ramping up the "Sex Drive" to more dangerous and crazy things . . . possible risk of approaching sex addiction.
Choice B: if depression sets in the Sex Drive goes down too, and eventually physical health. All areas of refused life turns black to one degree or another.
Choice C: Refused maybe finds new partner under a variety of circumstances and can fulfill both "Sex Drive" and basic need for Intimacy too. This can spin out of control if emotions get too involved, which they inevitably will.
Choice D . . .ad infinitum.
Food for Thought:
Can one willingly let go of one's libido? Can you throw it away and ignore it? I would submit - probably would only "Channel" the foresaken libido fulfillment into something else (Nietzsche's rejection of his mad crazy passionate love by Lou Salome certainly helped cause him to write his great philosophical works, though he did catch syphillis by compensating at whore houses as an example, he never loved again and died insane from the late stage of the disease but now is "immortal" as writers go).
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 19, 2017 6:34:53 GMT -5
Damn worth the read. Thanks!!! "Denial" aint just a river in Egypt. Self deception includes sugar coating or avoiding "dealing with" Bad, Evil, Sucking things and the Churchill quote is sublime and I shall keep in my back pocket. "If you're going through hell, keep going."
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 17, 2017 3:11:18 GMT -5
I never had infatuation with my ex. I definitely did with my now-husband. It lasted a LONG time, really just starting to subside in recent months, so we are moving into attachment phase. It's a good kind of love and I am happy. Hopefully our attachment phase lasts a long time -- the rest of my life, preferred. From the above points, it's why regular sex is SO IMPORTANT -- it reignites the feelings of deep devotion and longing to be with a person - for the long haul. A reality is that the "hot spicy," "knock your socks off" sex WILL NOT last forever, that is fact, but the love will and you have to determine what is more important to you. For me, regular sex with a man who is loyal and faithful and calls me his angel is all I need and want in life. I see us still enjoying sexual endeavors that are spicy, though -- but yeah, not five times a week. Coming from a SM with that lingering fear in the background, I am also trying to stay healthy and grounded when it comes to sex. thankyou WindSister You are a few to several steps ahead of a lot of us and very good to get your thoughts and observations on what may lie ahead.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 15, 2017 8:39:46 GMT -5
Beautiful post. Beautiful words. But most of all Beautiful YOU. As a Man, YES, I can feel the confidence. You are emanating Confidence, Charm, Seductiveness, and Magnetism all levels - Power of Attraction. Bravo for you !!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 14, 2017 23:53:24 GMT -5
Similarly, I was "that guy" talking with many many friends about my SM. I was amazed to see how many live in SM or had lived in one and now escaped. Some were quite happy or apathetic about it. No bother - they admitted their low libido and one even said he refused to take Viagra because he felt like he was being raped. Others were outsourcing and keeping their mouths shut and the marriage going. Also talked with friends in couples married for many many years who enjoyed still wonderful intimacy and sex lives. It is a statistical fact that about say 30% to 40% of long term couples have happy fulfilling intimacy and sex lives. Even on a biological level our brains are evolutionary hardwired to "fall in love" (dominated by dopamine) and then morph / evolve into long term "attachment" (dominated by Oxycotin in women and vasopressin in men). sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/A letter will help. Journaling will help. These are all little steps on the way to DOING something about the situation. Making plans, acting on those plans. Absolutely, a lot of uncertainty, where one goes from an SM is fraught with the unknown, but so far so good for me. Courage and blessings !!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 14, 2017 10:58:19 GMT -5
I'm not going to offer sunshine and rainbows. For me, going through my divorce was the darkest time in my life. It is hard to see anything but what you've lost in the middle of it. I spent months crying every few days, wondering what the hell I had done and knowing I really had no other choice. It's a shitty time. The only thing I would encourage you to do is give it some time for perspective to set in. Right now, your problems pretty much fall into 5 main areas: Financial - In most states, the assets / debt are split 50/50. If your wife got 50% and you got 50% and you are spending all your money servicing the debt, you had no assets to begin with. Neither of you got squat. If this isn't the case, you need to get a better attorney ASAP. At least from this point on, you are in control of how fast the debt grows. In my case, just being able to turn off the cash hemorrhage was a huge benefit. If your ex continues to spend 2x what she brings in, then she is going to be fucked pretty soon, but it won't be your problem. As far as day to day expenses, if your oldest is in college, then you've only got a few more years of being "on the hook". Also, circumstances have changed. Your kid's expectations may need to change as well. They may have to take on some loans instead of receiving as generous help as before. Remember, it is not just you that should be helping with these things. If your ex receives support and doesn't help the kids? That's on her, not on you. Psychological / Emotional - If you choose to be a reclusive hermit, you will likely never trust anyone again. If you never trust anyone again, you will never take a chance. If you never take a chance, nothing good can happen. It's a nasty fucking cycle. Counseling can help, but it can only point you to where you need to do the work. In my humble opinion, the most important thing you can do right now is to replace the vacuum created by the divorce by something positive. I understand the financial aspect, but take up jogging, cooking (you're going to need to be good at this), cycling, guitar, etc...something to fill it positively. Because if you don't? It will be filled, and not by something of your choice. And that will most likely be negative. Do SOMETHING. Social Life - You don't have any friends. Welcome to the club. Marriage in general kind of kills pre-marriage friendships, and an SM does this in spades (it's a control thing). If you fill the void above, you will find that you will meet new friends. But to do this, you need to make sure you don't just become a reclusive hermit (see psychological / emotional). After 20 years of marriage, even many of the friends I still had have fled me because now that I'm a fucking alcoholic I don't drink anymore. So I've met some new friends at AA meetings. It isn't exactly the way I envisioned rebooting my social life, but as a recovering drunk, my options are a bit limited. Love Life - If you don't make yourself interesting, you're screwed regardless of the financial aspect. You don't need to be a Casanova or Bill Gates to date. Hell, read some of the Post SM posts here. If you show a true interest in a woman, care about her, and listen to her? That puts you ahead of 90% of the guys in the pack who just want to find a warm hole to stick their cock into. Will you get shot down and rejected a lot? Yup. Welcome to being a guy, I'm sure you remember how it was. I got seriously lucky in finding ballofconfusion , but if you're willing to open yourself up and be vulnerable (see emotional / psychological), you will be OK in time. A good reference would be Mark Manson's book, Models. Work Life - Dude, they call it work for a reason. Most of us have jobs that don't contribute to the betterment of mankind. The way that the government is spending, none of us are going to be able to retire. I would encourage you to look at another book by Tim Ferris called The Four Hour Workweek that will put a different slant on retirement. Right now, I'm actively trying to situate myself to do exactly what he proposes. Another thing...being single makes it much easier to enjoy your retirement the way you want it than living out her dream retirement. I'm going to bet the two weren't really all that in sync anyway. So no sunshine and rainbows. Life is hard, and you're going through one of the hardest life events out there. But remember, you're still in the thick of this shit. Once you get out, if you keep your attitude good and have a positive destination, you will be OK. novembercomingfireRight now I am living in a 2 bedroom apartment in a working class neighborhood - my "fortune" has been reduced to a motorcycle and a few boxes of clothes - my apartment is not even 50% furnished. I have to pinch every penny that comes out of my near empty pockets. BUT But but . . . I am having one hell of a Romantic life and Passion rules the day. A year ago, I was in a massive house and zero romance/passion. So does money buy happiness? No money buys stuff and maybe some porn and prostitutes but not Love - The Beatles were and remain right about that!!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 14, 2017 1:16:04 GMT -5
Empathy and courage sent your way !!!
I see a lot of "PROJECTING" in your post F E A R = Future Events Appearing Real. Yes going thru the Big "D" is a lot of pain - for me it was the pain also caused to my children. The dark times shall too pass. Amen. It is true. You will get thru this.
1. Be there for your Children - you will always be their father no matter what and they need your love.
2. Be there for You too. Work on being the best You you can be - a real relatively easy way is to get in really good physical shape. You will feel better about yourself on all levels and I can even be totally bankrupt and get in good shape. Running, exercise, fitness training, cycling, whatever.
3. Be in the Present. Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow is a vision, today is the gift. Focus on the "Wow in the Now" - one day at a time.
If you keep your shit together and stay healthy and look good and have Positive Vibes inside - things WILL get better in ways you cannot yet even imagine or vision - but try start to try. Power of Positive Thinking really can work. And dont forget the Power of Positive Doing too.
And last but not least - dont forget your Spiritually. Whatever Religion or lack of religion. When I pray it aint to go to Heaven but for EFFECT. I found getting on my knees before the Almighty as I conceive Him can humble me. And know Someone else - even if you just believe in the Universe - is running the show and you can tap into that Power and Rise Up and Beyond. Amen.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 13, 2017 10:37:06 GMT -5
Yes. My marriage is sexless. Obviously that is why I am here. I love my wife, but I need that physical connection and gratification. I am a patient person but I am only human. I am considering other options. Welcome bobsmith If you are new here. I would suggest posting your story or what is on your mind in the "Sexless Marriage" section and see the support and responses from all the good folks here.
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