mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 2:59:47 GMT -5
Call it karma, call it bad luck, call it my fault but after leaving my (now ex) husband after 15 years of a sexless marriage here I am living with the love of my life and we haven't had sex for 8 months. Lots of cuddling, kissing and stroking but no sex. I have talked very frankly to him but he just says he doesn't feel like it. I am (almost) back to where I was after all of the pain (emotional, practical and financial) of breaking up my marriage. Ot just seems - poetic - and as if I have been running from what is actually my destiny: a sexless relationship.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 30, 2017 3:26:11 GMT -5
Wow. Heavy dose of reality. Well it does not have to be 15 years again. NO it is not written in the Book of Destiny that you have to endure this.
You can end it now and move on.
With this heavy dose of reality might be needed a heavy dose of honesty and courage to go forward.
I hope it works out.
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2017 4:20:47 GMT -5
On April 16, 2016 you wrote a story about your dysfunctional boyfriend at the time. Is it the same bloke you are writing about here ? (the "asperger's and probably schizoid personality disorder" bloke)
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Post by h on Sept 30, 2017 4:52:27 GMT -5
8 months of nothing? Why do you stay? What justification is there? I'm not sure the math adds up on that if you really look at all the facts.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 6:18:46 GMT -5
Yes it is the same guy Baza. And it it has been 8 months of nothing but cuddles, kisses and stroking - not sure why the 'maths don't add up'. I'm still here because I really do love the guy and the affection is lovely and the sex was great. Having jumped once it is harder (for all kinds of reasons) to jump again. I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect. As I sit here typing this my guy is stroking my naked leg and leaning over to kiss me (on the mouth) every so often. We fall asleep in each other's arms every night - things that never happened in my marriage.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 6:25:36 GMT -5
Just remembered that the maths don't add up because I split up with my guy last year after we'd been together a couple of years. I moved out but within 6 months we were living together again. We have bought a house together and I have now met his family. So we got back together June 2016 and we haven't had sex since February this year.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2017 6:30:00 GMT -5
Call it karma, call it bad luck, call it my fault but after leaving my (now ex) husband after 15 years of a sexless marriage here I am living with the love of my life and we haven't had sex for 8 months. Lots of cuddling, kissing and stroking but no sex. I have talked very frankly to him but he just says he doesn't feel like it. I am (almost) back to where I was after all of the pain (emotional, practical and financial) of breaking up my marriage. Ot just seems - poetic - and as if I have been running from what is actually my destiny: a sexless relationship. I recommend exploring energy healing/tantric healing to sort your life out. It is obviously as alternative as it gets and by no means "scientific", but if it interests you, let me know and I am happy to send you reading material.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 30, 2017 7:37:32 GMT -5
"I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect."
You chose "good enough". It didn't just happen to you. It was no accident. Of the billions of men in the world, you chose to fall in love with and stay with a man who could not or would not give you the love you say you want.
For some who leave SMs it would be better to be permanently alone than to be with a sexually able lover who cuddles but doesn't have sex. Such a relationship would be for some of us infuriating and deeply frustrating and hurtful. But a man giving you that is the love of your life.
Maybe sex isn't as important to you as you have thought. Maybe you value and feel more secure in a relationship that is affectionate not sexual. If so, embrace who you are and how you now have what you need. If not, take the time through therapy, journaling or other means to figure out how you have chosen this kind of life for yourself. It is not an accident that you view him as the love of your life and are choosing to stay with him.
What you describe -- going to bed with someone who cuddles and does nonsexual stroking and kissing only would drive me to homicide.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 30, 2017 7:49:58 GMT -5
Since he has mental health issues, has he changed medications right around the start of the sexless period?
A lot of medications have sexual side effects, and some Drs don't aways tell about the "minor" side effects. He could no longer be thinking about sex or be able to have an erection since taking any new medication.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 30, 2017 8:02:53 GMT -5
"I was in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Hit my 49th birthday and met someone who completely blew me away sexually. Within 3 months we were living together, within 6 months I was divorced. We talked about getting married, buying somewhere together. We both have 'baggage' and have both been very ill at various times with depression. He also has Aspergers and possibly schizoid personality disorder (according to his psychiatrist). We had break ups but always sorted them out. After 2 years my new partner broke down in a restaurant and told me he wanted to break up but stay together as friends. That was 3 months ago. I moved out but we still spend a lot of time together, we cuddle, hold hands whenever we are together and he is always touching, stroking and kissing me. He tells me he loves me often.......but has said that we're not in a romantic relationship, won't kiss me on the mouth and although we often sleep in the same bed (spooning, cuddling) he won't have sex"
In the spring, you posted the above. For some reason -- not something magical like fate, you choose to become romantically involved with men who are incapable of giving you the sexual love you say you want. There were huge red flags about him yet you ran to and cling to him.
Until you accept responsibility for your choice of selecting such partners, this will forever be your fate. You choose partners incapable of loving you the way you say you want to be loved. Being in such a situation satisfies you in some way. Exploring your own whys might help you release yourself from being endlessly in sexless relationships.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 8:42:32 GMT -5
Northstarmom - I find your posts interesting and helpful to read and will think about them carefully. I have a long history of having been emotionally and physically abused since childhood and have been sexually assaulted a couple of times as an adult - including being raped by my first husband. My second husband was lovely and very caring but asexual. hopingforchange - His antidepressant was increased by 50% after another major depressive breakdown in March. Stupid me, I hadn't thought about that! The AD he takes is well known to cause ED but it works for him and as he rapidly becomes actively suicidal I am very, very, reluctant to suggest medication change. He did mention Viagra to me a few months ago though.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 30, 2017 15:00:23 GMT -5
Well, if the equipment isn't working, then he's not going to want to try and have sex. It's depressing to not have your manhood working.
I would ask him about getting Viagra. You can ask him if he can't switch to another antidepressant that doesn't have the sexual side effects. It could be that the correct AD the only one that works for him, but I think he needs to tell you or explore other AD.
If he doesn't know how important sex is to you, he might not even realise it.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 30, 2017 16:00:50 GMT -5
Mathdoll, you have been through many painful things in your life. Have you had counseling? Some with similar histories have found therapy with a therapist trained in trauma therapy to be helpful.
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Post by Caris on Sept 30, 2017 17:50:28 GMT -5
I am dismayed and sad to read your post. I don't think I can offer more than what northstarmom has said. It's a complex business when one has suffered much abuse, and is deprived of love and care. We desperately need what we are deprived of, and if not careful will fall right back into the trap of accepting too little because it's something, and something is better than nothing, or so our deprived self rationalizes. It also thinks we don't deserve better because we've never had sufficient love and care in our life, and that in itself is proof (may not be true), but to a damaged psyche, its evidence that we are undeserving of the good. I could very well be you, but instead of "clinging," I use aversion. They are both as screwed up as the other. You cling to the insufficient because of your needs that were not met. I am averse to close relationships for fear that I may cling to the insufficient and disfunctional because my needs are (were not) met. I don't want to be in your situation. I don't want to be clingy, so I stay in my own space. My damaged psyche tells me "rather be alone and fu*king miserable than be hurt again (right, it still damn hurts being isolated). Alone, or in a sexless relationship, it all hurts and comes with its own brand of pain. I honestly don't know if you are better off, or I am. I think it's both sides of the same coin. It's sad all round, and I'm really sorry for those of us who are not loved.
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2017 17:58:52 GMT -5
Yes it is the same guy Baza. And it it has been 8 months of nothing but cuddles, kisses and stroking - not sure why the 'maths don't add up'. I'm still here because I really do love the guy and the affection is lovely and the sex was great. Having jumped once it is harder (for all kinds of reasons) to jump again. I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect. As I sit here typing this my guy is stroking my naked leg and leaning over to kiss me (on the mouth) every so often. We fall asleep in each other's arms every night - things that never happened in my marriage. If you adopt a mindset that this bloke is *as good as you are likely to get* - as you have in the past - then that is almost certainly going to be your future too Sister mathdoll It reads like you reckon you have "traded up" with this bloke (relative to your former spouse), and that's probably true, but from an outside point of view, you haven't traded up by much. But, if you are happy enough with your present circumstances, then fair enough. That's entirely your call. Now, having made that choice, it is incumbent on you to own that choice, to live it, to accept it without resentment. It is the "without resentment" aspect that is highly likely to be the big stumbling block in truly accepting your situation. Resentment slowly, but surely, poisons everything.
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