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Post by McRoomMate on Dec 29, 2017 2:24:11 GMT -5
It appears you have been quite diligent on your research and assessment.
By the way a Big Congratulations on cleaning up your life for your child and yourself - that does not just happen with the snap of the fingers - a lot of work. Respect!!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Dec 29, 2017 2:02:02 GMT -5
Some men seevescorts because they prefer paid company to going through the emotional work of establishing a real romance. They are uncomfortable with intimacy that is more permanent and authentic. I wonder whether the problem is your husband is seeing escorts again and is more comfortable with that kind of relationship than a permanent one involving a commitment to a wife and child. Ooh man. I fear northstarmom may be on to something. His Libido did not evaporate but perhaps has changed directions. This is entirely plausible. Whatever the motivation - this very well could be the case - no fun to think this so. If he has his "Madonna" then is now seeking his other extreme? I fear this might be worth pursuing.
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Post by McRoomMate on Dec 28, 2017 22:40:09 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of your plight. As the sex stopped during pregnancy I am not so sure it is the archaic Freud theory of Madonna / Whore complex.
I bet (and I am speaking as a Man with experience) it might have something to do with his perceived overwhelming anxiety of being a father or just feeling "trapped" from sex because it creates babies and obligations that perceive his freedom being taken away or something like that. I could be entirely wrong.
Very good to hear you are seeing a Therapist. The truth is in there somewhere and the fact you are both willing to see a therapist and WORK on it speaks a presumption of good faith on his part.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 28, 2017 19:30:17 GMT -5
CONGRATULATIONS !!!
Wow wow wow. Courage and blessings . . .
This forum NEVER ceases to AMAZE me. Wonderful update. I know a lot of blood sweat and tears . . . such is the price of freedom and being honest with oneself.
Very very inspiring. Thank-you for the update.
Any luck in Post Divorce Romance?
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 22, 2017 9:48:14 GMT -5
...I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really? Jesus gave 2 commandments: Love God above all others, and love your neighbor as yourself. To be that, and truly live that, is a lifetime of work. You don't need to believe in God, to adhere to the second part. I do not waste my time splitting hairs over the old testament. One can use that text to justify just about any action, good or ill. Strip away the water walking, raising the dead, loaves & fishes and all of that (superstitious) embellishment - leave just words of the man. To me that should be enough for anyone to strive for. Well if you are crazy enough to seriously study Catholic Dogma ( I was) - then it seems just about everyone is going to Hell. I appreciate your comments.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 21, 2017 18:34:33 GMT -5
DIVORCE and the BIBLE
The Old Testament is clear - Divorce is perfectly acceptable
Deuteronomy 24:1 If a man marries a woman and she does not please him because he has found something offensive 1 in her, then he may draw up a divorce document, give it to her, and evict her from his house.
There is no debate Divorce is allowed for anything "offensive" and sexless marriage seems perfectly legitimate to me.
The New Testament is also clear. Jesus stated unequivocally that “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her." and Same for Woman. Mark 10:2-12.
So basically Jews can still divorce but not anyone buying into the New Testament.
One cannot call oneself a compliant Christian and divorce.
And "ADULTERY" is a violation of course of one of the ten commandments.
Somehow Protestants have been able to navigate the clear and unequivocal words of Jesus in Mark and allow divorce. The Vatican allows "Nullification of Marriage".
I am not judging anyone but if the Bible says something and you do not follow-up. then how Christian are you really?
Now the best response to that is by today standards it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a "Fundamentalist" and follow everything in the Bible.
The Bible clearly allows for Slavery. Killing of ones own children for disobedience etc. There are countless rules and so on in the Bible that would put anyone in prison or be considered barbarous.
So what? To each his own.
Follow your heart? I dont know.
That is my three cents.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 21, 2017 18:24:05 GMT -5
There is no doubt that the difference in expectations creates the difference in outcomes. One side wants the marriage healed and may settle for sub-par results in order to get there. One side wants things to get good and will not settle for half-assed results. It is my observation that everyone thinks they are superior. Charles Dawkins is a pretty judgemental son of a bitch, and a noted atheist. Muslim cultures discriminate against non-Muslims and even have derogatory words describing unbelievers. Hindus get violent and upset with belief systems that insist that they cannot just add their exclusive monotheistic god to their pantheon. I'm not so concerned about what belief system a jackass has. If they want to be judgemental, they will find justification for it. Love it. Amen. Can I get a witness !!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 20, 2017 6:06:07 GMT -5
I do not know if it will all be for nothing. We may part ways in the end. I DO know that it will be tough, it will take time, and we will be stronger together if we come out okay on the other side. I love her and hate seeing her suffer, as she loves me and hates to see me suffer. But if, in the end, we do part ways, I will do it knowing that I gave as much support as I could and that I will have bettered myself through that process. The key word here is "TOUGH" - working thru SM is not for the faint of heart - I sincerely wish you Strength and Courage and Perseverance - I think the best any of can say is YES - We tried really hard, we tried over time, and we gave our hearts to this success. There may come a time when "enough is enough" and to let go and come to terms that nothing will make it work, but YES ABSOLUTELY first - give your heart to it. Reading your post and follow-up, I am OPTIMISTIC and I will pray for your success on this endeavor. Your heart is in the right place and you are motivated by love.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 14, 2017 7:46:04 GMT -5
Congratulations!!! So much tragedy and heart breaks on these threads - very good to see the happiness you have found and much appreciated your sharing this.
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Post by McRoomMate on Nov 6, 2017 2:06:09 GMT -5
Very interesting Biography of author JANE JUSKA who at the age of 67 decided to explore her sexuality and romance. I thought of many of the lovely brave ladies on this Forum when I read it. www.nytimes.com/2017/11/01/obituaries/jane-juska-who-wrote-of-late-life-sex-dies-at-84.htmlJane Juska, 84, Who Drew Notice Writing of Late-Life Sex, Dies Image Jane Juska at her home in Berkeley, Calif., in 2006, three years after the publication of her memoir “A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance.” CreditJim Wilson/The New York Times By Richard Sandomir Nov. 1, 2017 As Jane Juska — divorced, lonely and 66 — watched Eric Rohmer’s film “Autumn Tale” in 1999 in a theater in Berkeley, Calif., she was swept up by the story, in which a married woman secretly places a personal advertisement in a newspaper for a widowed friend who believes it is too late for her to find love. Why not, Ms. Juska wondered, do something similar for herself? Seeking to meet intelligent men, she bought an ad in the personals section of The New York Review of Books. Not wishing to overspend on the ad, she winnowed her piquant message to these memorable words, which cost her $4.55 each: “Before I turn 67 — next March — I would like a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me.” More than 60 letters arrived quickly, forwarded by The New York Review in manila envelopes. One included a nude photo; another was filled with sexual promises. Ms. Juska’s encounters formed the basis of “A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance,” a memoir, published in 2003, that followed her from her prudish Midwestern roots to her liberated flings and brought her to Oprah Winfrey and Charlie Rose’s television talk shows to tell her story.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 26, 2017 17:39:56 GMT -5
Wow. What a heavy dose of reality. Children are much more aware and smarter than we (well certainly I) often give credit.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 8, 2017 12:28:43 GMT -5
Its so nice having so much support and knowing you all relate. Definitely makes me feel just a tad less lonely. Now if only one of you lived in my town lol. pheonix25 Life is too short to be lonely or miserable. You can take ownership of your life and move forward. Many of us have . . . with no ILIASM members anywhere nearby. By the way, very beautiful profile photo.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 4, 2017 0:56:19 GMT -5
I truly feel as if i cant leave. We both have no family and we have a little one. I grew up without a father and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure my son has everything he needs in life. We hamdle financial business and overall have a very happy home. There is a lot of affection outside of the bedroom and honestly everyone thinks we are very happy, and i am aside from this but this one thing is consuming me. I really do want to outsource but honestly i dont know how to even go about it... i dont even feel like i could be good at sex again anyways if i could figure out how to get some. Lol... laat night was so horrible it wasnt like i forgot how to ride the bike it was like i forgot what a bike was all together! Just terrible! All i can do is laugh about it or else i may just cry. Oh Lord can I relate to the dilemma of wanting to keep the family unit together at any cost. I have NO DOUBT whatsoever, you can be an excellent lover full of passion and tenderness with the right Man. How to find a Lover on the Side? Well that will take some time and effort but definitely too is entirely within the realm of possibilities. The only thing I will add is that these "lover on the side" things tend to get out of control and it is a risky path - mainly because your H could find out and/or "Emotions" can flair up (even risk falling madly in love) etc. However we have needs that must be met profound "being human" needs and INTIMACY (sex is only a part of it) is top of the list just after food and shelter in my book. It is entirely possible but will just take effort and time to find a lover on the side and could be at least a temporary fix to a very painful festering lack of intimacy while you sacrifice for your child. Any how to put on the "moral" hat - just who "cheated" on who first? H seems to have broken the vow of "love and cherish" first, not you.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 4, 2017 0:48:12 GMT -5
I see the options just a little more veriegated. 1.1. Stay, and accept that the sexual aspect is gone. 1.2. Stay, and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 1.3. Stay, but be clear to your spouse that you want an open marriage so that you can have your needs met. 2. Stay, but have your needs met covertly. 3. Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs, and it is the honest thing to do. Wow. Very well further nuanced. I am keeping this one in my pocket.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 3, 2017 10:58:35 GMT -5
Welcome. Very tough post to read.
Your H sounds like an A-hole and does not give a hoot about you or your needs.
What was so glaringly in between the words was it seems you BOTH are FORCING to have sex or intimacy. Neither of you seem to be enjoying it or being fulfilled.
Courage - but sounds like decision time here soon.
1. Stay 2. Leave 3. Cheat
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