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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 18:16:24 GMT -5
Here is the Kicker in the article
11. Sex matters ... a lot "And you know how you know if you or her are slipping? Sex starts to slide. Period. No other test required."
Oy vey - 10 years of basically SM . . . brutal simple test. Ouch - it even penetrates my scarred numb heart.
The funny thing our marriage has the outward appearance of being functional there is no yelling or stress really in the house - all the children are in a safe peaceful environment - just no passion between the parents - NONE - not even fighting really - we are room mates - like Platonic Parents.
I appreciate all the feedback - This Forum is just AMAZING . . . so much learned and well tough experence wisdom from you all. Thank-you big time!
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 18:04:42 GMT -5
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 17:47:28 GMT -5
Thank-you GeekGoddess. I will do right away.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 16:50:45 GMT -5
Excellent Threat Topic. I think this goes to the Heart of the Truth: There is only ONE LIFE to live - and death and old age are not that far away.
Suppose I fell madly in love with a new women - and it comes out of the blue - how many times in a life do two people fall madly in love with each other? It is a rare commodity precious and one should never abandon that. To go from years and years in a sexless Marriage - which really means much much more than simply no sex - and fall into a "Burning Fire" just like Johnny Cash sang.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 16:41:41 GMT -5
I have often said to myself the only reason I am still in this marriage and with her is 2 Reasons and that is our 2 children together.
I have stopped asking for sex or intimacy or anything for years - and she has too. We had sex in February (so going on 11 months - at her request) and then before that it was like 9 months and over a year. We have zero couple life, no kissing, no cuddling, neither of us have any desire to reach out and hold the other - she never tries to hug me or anything - but neither do I. We are both not attracted to each other physically.
I hope she is having affairs or something - I cannot imagine a sex life that pathetic for a beautiful lady which she still is in her late 40s. I confess to going out and just having physical relationships - avoiding and not even thinking about "falling in love" just to scrape by on physical and stealing intimate moments when I can.
However, I am at wits end - I see the ILIASM called the "Elephant Graveyard" of the worst marriages - I would agree (bar physical beating or violence) that a passionless sexless marriage is the worst. I have been experiencing it now for years and years.
Still, I want so hard to avoid a break-up or a divorce as the pain it would cause our children. It is essentially self-sacrifice (the big part of me that wants to be in love and a real couple - which I know exist and I can be capable of - but never with her at this point). Our home from the children's point of view is a happy one - there is tranquility and harmony from the children's point of view. I fear a break up will traumatize their safe world.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 15:11:23 GMT -5
"Irredeemabla differences" "Shattered" - Beyond repair - I think there is just too much damage too deep for too long in most cases.
I believe those statistics of 0.5% and lower for SM failing to actually succeed despite all the therapists and threats of divorce. I believe it because I lived it and if they are anything like my situation and I suspect from the wide and common symptoms and feelings and circumstances that just get repeated all over these threads.
Stay together because the Church says, or the children say, or to save face in society - yes I suppose if that is worth it from a value point of view. My case is for the children exclusively but it getting unbearable - it is one hell of a sacrifice - one day at a time - death by a million cuts kind of thing. Really.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 10:42:46 GMT -5
Per the Statistics on Curing SM - it is absolutely abysmal - less than 1% of SM actually turn around - usually just temporary under threat of divorce and so on.
I have also read some real horror stories and COURAGE of those living decades in SM - I have been in one now for about 11 years. I actually loved her madly when we met.
Ironically, my first marriage where my wife was a psycho and was "shot gun" wedding we had pretty good sex - but her personality was toxic. Now I am just in a SM beyond repair - no intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling, no touch - and I of course think it is all my fault - but she NEVER tries either. So blame game - she will tell you it is 100% my fault - some of it yes but I have exclusivity on the failure? I dont think so.
Sex / Intimacy is the core of a couple of life - unless you are married for reasons other than love - which apparently is obviously the case for me - actually just for the children - that is the ONLY freaking reason honestly I am still here - but I cannot anymore - the time has come to move on.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 10:38:10 GMT -5
Thanks Heraclitus - After reading all the wisdom and experience on this Forum and my own experience / state of mind - I am terribly skeptical about curing my current SM - but I am even more so quite optimistic for the NEXT LOVE - I think the article really nails it. I am thinking about memorizing the principles and having them applied ASAP to my new relationship with another woman.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 10:11:38 GMT -5
So many excellent posts - Jeez - I feel like you all have been spying on my life - It is like I am reading an AUTO-BIOGRAPHY of myself- What a God Send this Forum. Really. - No I cannot remember who was the Refuser - it has been so many years - probably 10 years of sex every 6 months to 18 months. - Yes absolutely Sex is but a symptom and now I see a very small part of a MUCH BIGGER problem - there is no "couple life" - no intimacy, no little kisses, no holding the person, no spooning . . . . and NO DESIRE for it - gone kaput - gone with the wind of yesteryear. - Reading over the statistics - about 0.5% of SM - can be turned around - I believe that - I can not fall back "in love" as a conscious meditated decision anymore than "falling in love" was a conscious decision. I have NEVER decided and planned to fall in love - it is something that just happens - Cupid and his arrows if you want - so doing "therapy" to create something that is so unconscious of an event and origin. Forget it. Intuitively it is so obvious and the statistics entirely validate this. - Yes, now LOOKING FORWARD AND BEYOND (i.e., new relationship with a new person) it is POSSIBLE to have a long sustained loving relationship - the statistics are about 30% to 40% - excellent article on that here: www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/21/psychology-of-lasting-love_n_5339457.html - So I will just end that YES TRUE LOVE is possible but fixing a zombie appearance of a SM Marriage with all its coldness - of course not.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 9:50:09 GMT -5
A lot of very good comments.
I will just add - maybe the problem is fundamentally medical. I was just researching Penis Implants which apparently are quite effective and advanced. If he could maintain a simple erection again that might restore confidence in himself.
I could be entirely wrong but the lack of intimacy / romantic love / etc. (not just sex!) is stemming from the ED.
My first reaction would be visit some ED Specialists and see what the options are. My intuition says that if the ED is cured that might create a good "snow ball" effect and re-kindle everything - I could be wrong - but that is my intuition response based on what I know so far.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 15, 2017 7:24:22 GMT -5
Yes, I am in my Second Sexless Marriage where we are beyond "Refusing" - we are room mates and parents together - Zero passion - Love long gone - not just lack of sex - but lack of passion - lack of intimacy - lack of any semblance of a romance or love beyond parenting and running a house. All I seem to hear (out there, not in here) so cynical / so matter of factly - is oh there is no such thing as True Love - that passion dies - that the "In love" turns into this fuddy dud companionship - LIES - Do not believe it. This article details the huge percentage (like 30% or 40% of couples/ marriages that stay "In Love" and have "Romantic Love" for years if not decades - It does exist - there are such stories. So maybe reading this will help you. It is possible - I can have this in my life - maybe not with my current wife - but not a fairy tale - a possible reality. Of course it takes work and effort on both husband and wife, of course - but the point yes it is possible - so do not lose hope my SM Bloggers. It might cost me my marriage - it might cost me a huge loss in income and a downward adjustment on the social scale - but TRUE LOVE that lasts a list time - certainly worth it in my heart and mind. The Psychology Of Loves That Last A Lifetime Link to article here: www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/21/psychology-of-lasting-love_n_5339457.html
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 14, 2017 14:36:22 GMT -5
I have read a lot of the posts and it seems to be quite often one partner is wanting sex intimacy and the other is refusing.
In my case, I stopped asking for sex years ago - my wife only wanted sex once - last February - we were on ski vacation - and has not even tried to touch me since.
I remember years ago (like 10 years ago) - she said I wanted sex too much. I can't remember - maybe blocked out - but I just stopped asking / stopped begging / stopped being a bother.
The other time is 6 years ago when she wanted another child we started having sex every night for 2 weeks until she was pregnant. She NEVER comes up to me not for many years and wants to hold me or touch me. Honestly, I do not either.
The point is I am wondering who is to blame? She says all the problems in our marriage our 100% my fault - she has no part in it. I think it takes two to create disfunctional passionless sexless marriage.
So at this point it is like we are both "Refusers" or even worse "Don't even Bother" is the order of the day - and has been for years and years.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 13, 2017 21:58:49 GMT -5
Your husband is taking you for granted I hope and that might be fixable . . . I would not rule out that he is cheating on you - in the least with Porn (if that is cheating?) or worse.
It sounds like you still really love him - so it is worth trying to fix.
Also, I have gone thru a Divorce and it has been about 10 years of a sexless Marriage - so I went out and cheated - but then my mistress and I are now MADLY in love with each other. I was trying to just fulfill lust and a little intimacy but now it is totally out of control and we are both overwhelmed with passionate love for each other (like Soul Mate - I cannot live without you - crazy love).
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 13, 2017 21:52:55 GMT -5
Whore card? The Right to have Sex with Other People - after your husband/wife has lost all interest in having sex with you. Of course - A good friend of mine who is now happily divorced (good friends with his wife) and new girlfriend - wisely told me he had stopped having a normal relationship years before the divorce.
Be careful though for years I just went out and had "Sex" (lust, animalistic satisfaction with some cuddling /intimacy) and then BAM - My Mistress and I just fell MADLY in love with each other. I mean big time. Now I am madly in Love with Another Woman and still in my sexless / loveless /passionless marriage. We have 2 children and do not want to see them suffer - the only reason I am still in this marriage is for my children. At home it is peaceful and healthy environment for my children - But I do not know how long this can continue. The passionate love I now have for another women just keeps getting bigger and deeper.
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