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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 25, 2017 2:33:43 GMT -5
I think you are trying to keep the peace until you figure out what you want and it makes sense for the kids to be in a non hostile environment. It's SM Limbo or Pergatory until you rip off the bandaid. It's a sad situation but you are aware of the situation and you have clarity while she has denial. bballgirl SM Limbo . . . SM Pergatory. "Rip off the Band Aid" - absolutely - the rotten, putrifying, suffocating, band aid. I am on the verge. Very well said TY!
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 25, 2017 2:30:12 GMT -5
I feel like I'm looking at my wife through bulletproof glass. We hardly ever touch. We almost never fight. There is this barrier that we both sense, but we don't talk about. It is probably just as well: if we did, one or both of us would just get upset and it would make thing worse. She feels because I'm "no longer mad at her" (as she sees it), we're doing better. I feel I'm no longer mad at her because I've given up. I've been Here, done this, brother Dan. (Except for the almost never fight part. She was an angry controller) A barrier, never spoken of. She thought we were "fixed" because I no longer fought back. I no longer fought back, because I'd given up. I was numb. As Baz said...devoid of...life. Then, we did speak of the barrier. Rather I did. And sure enough we both got mad. And... Sure enough, things got worse. And... Sure enough, I divorced her mad ass. And... Sure enough...I am now the happiest man in the world, alive and kicking! Theres another side. Opposite land. Just sayin my friend. THANK-YOU itsjustus I am on the edge of the "Questions" phase - settled rotting environment, dangerous and liberating questions - seem indeed the first step to smashing this "Glass Barrier" of denial and complacency - my "Comfort Zone" is now painfully unbearable.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 25, 2017 2:25:21 GMT -5
I feel like I'm looking at my wife through bulletproof glass. We hardly ever touch. We almost never fight. There is this barrier that we both sense, but we don't talk about. It is probably just as well: if we did, one or both of us would just get upset and it would make thing worse. She feels because I'm "no longer mad at her" (as she sees it), we're doing better. I feel I'm no longer mad at her because I've given up. @dan I am sitting across from my wife as I write this. As usual she is playing video games - she says it helps her cope (I guess better than alcoholism). We have no drama between us - like "two peas in a pod" ROOM MATES - SM for over 10 years - I had been giving little kisses and hugs and saying "I love you" - I stopped on New Years Eve - she does not even initiate a hug and says "excuse me" if she accidentally touches me. I asked her if I bring "Joy to Her Life" and she just gave me a look like I said something stupid and irritating. My next question . . . "Why are you still with me?" is just around the corner. The ONLY thing I can think of is "two reasons" as we have two beautiful children together. That just is not going to work. I have done plenty of research - a long term "loving" relationship is entirely possible - this one is hopeless and here I am with you in the "Elephant Graveyard" of the worst marriages on Earth. Once again, I read a post here and think "all too autobiographical."
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 25, 2017 1:42:22 GMT -5
Mine has been about 13/14 yrs sexless. The thing is he loves to kiss me, hold me, lots of PDA. Just no sex. It pisses me off completely. I'm at the point now that if he is wants any affection from me, I try to avoid it as much as I can. You don't get to have me if you don't to make the effort to be the husband I need! Carol sorry to hear that. Have you told him such? I have to say your situation seems unique. In my SM, the no sex part seems to be just a symptom of a much bigger deep problem of "Room Mates with Kids" and that there is ZERO even PDA, no intimacy, no hugs, no holds, no kisses, even if she touches me it is by accident and she says "excuse me". Maybe there is still romantic love or "in love" with yours. I do not know, I am wondering. Medical condition? Other?
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 24, 2017 18:15:05 GMT -5
I got a 27%. I answered based on when we were together. It said we need counseling soon but the marriage could be saved. It could not have been saved. I guess the most positive things were we both have good jobs and we didn't fight much, but that's just avoidance and lack of communication. @bbgallgirl Just took Test again and actually I was 41% . . . so you "win" (I am jealous I wanted the victory). Loaded test - I think anybody could score and still "Marriage is Savable". Loaded questions - best example - "Your intimate life" . . . the worst answer was "Practically does not exist" - What is missing. "ZERO intimate life" So loaded to win $$$ Follow the Money - Marriage Therapist Association sponsored I bet if we dig deep enough.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 24, 2017 18:01:05 GMT -5
What are your relative incomes? That is, who makes more? wom360 She makes 10 times more than I do. She has her own company and relies on my pennies for her big dollars. She is also still quite attractive and charming. May I ask where you might be going with this? Very thought provoking I must say. My wheels are turning . . .
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 24, 2017 17:58:18 GMT -5
I asked her Sunday if I brought any joy to her life and she just gave me a slightly miserable yet mean look. Suggested followup question: "OK, you're obviously very unhappy with your life with me. Why do you stay?" Thank-you beachguy Will need to strategically place this . . . Excellent excellent excellent. It is practically written on my hand as a reminder ! ! !
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 24, 2017 1:33:00 GMT -5
Such EXCELLENT posts thank everyone sincerely.
Of course - and yes I sound like a broken record - Apparently neither of us bother to "Initiate" - I cannot BELIEVE she is happy like this - I think she is miserable too emotionally - my wife is actually quite beautiful and independently successful. I asked her Sunday if I brought any joy to her life and she just gave me a slightly miserable yet mean look.
She laughs and jokes with the whole world - her friends our children - but with me - she becomes sour puss and bitter quite often - all too often.
Oy vey ! ! !
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 23, 2017 17:45:40 GMT -5
So it has been 11 months since sex and before 8 months and before that probably a year or more - so sexless marriage.
However, I had been giving routine periodic hugs and little kisses. The last one was New Years Eve - just a little kiss on the lips.
I decided I would stop even doing that - so she does not even reach out and try to kiss me or hug me even.
That is how pathetic my marriage is - "initiating" has been reduced to pathetic hugs and little grandma like kisses on the lips and now that is gone too.
Total is about 10 to 11 years of SM. There is just ZERO attraction and romance left in this marriage - Room mates with children.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 23, 2017 17:41:08 GMT -5
shamwow Full respect to your courageous actions. Of course seeing a 2018 timeline is a bit shocking - you pre-empted any comments very precisely - so nothing from me on that respectfully. The main thing - myself and everyone who read this - must see the courage and honesty here and paternal love and even compassion for your wife. It is inspiring for me and helps alleviate this "All is Doom" feeling which thru my ignorance and imagination seems unavoidable about the D Word. Just yesterday I asked my wife if I brought any joy in her life and she just gave me a funny mean look - like I was annoying her. My time will come soon enough.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 23, 2017 17:35:03 GMT -5
What you describe for your family is possible. My divorce is an example of what you describe. We spent the kids birthdays together, Christmas, sporting events, etc. Sometimes on a Friday night when I have the kids he will ask if we want to go to dinner. We are friends, we are co parents, we just aren't lovers but we never were. Wow - posts like this are alleviating my fears - that sounds so nice.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 23, 2017 17:29:58 GMT -5
One really good online test is whether you are a member of this very group - "iliasm.org". If you are, then your marriage is in desperate - probably terminal - dysfunction. Amen - Thank-you for the simple test. Simple is good. I suspect this "TEST" is sponsored by Marriage Therapists for business boosts. LOL
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 23, 2017 17:28:46 GMT -5
Honestly - I think this "TEST" is sponsored by the Marriage Therapist Association - Everyone can save their marriage just sign up for Therapy and pay for it - long term therapy for serious but "savable" marriages. Serious credibility issue.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 22, 2017 11:14:14 GMT -5
Link to test is here: www.gotoquiz.com/is_your_marriage_healthy_and_happyFor what it is worth - interesting 100 question Marriage health test. I answered as honestly as I could and it gave me 51% score - I guess that means average and marriage needs work but savable. Meanwhile, I have been in an SM Marriage with ZERO intimacy and romance - zero couple life - if I stay in this marriage it is a de facto "Celibacy Oath" - I probably could insist on more sex and she would oblige - maybe it is my pride but why does she never even try to hold me or kiss me or hug me or show love. To be transparent - neither do I - at this point there is no "refuser" because no one bothers asking. So online tests are online tests. If anyone knows of a really good online test for SM - please let me know. Of course no shortage of excellent wisdom in the group threads.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jan 22, 2017 3:02:45 GMT -5
itsverycomplex mentions "I have another lover, who loves me dearly" - OK but do you love the new lover dearly as well? Perhaps irrelevant - even if not can be a "rebound" relationship and frankly does not seem toxic compared to your current SM which I have to say sounds very toxic. Honestly, I would have been out a long time ago - to get permission to use her hand? WTF? Any how, my story is appalling too - SM for over 10 years - 10 years minimal to none - Sex, Intimacy, Cuddling, Kissing - Zero couple life - two room mates with children. In my current SM - yes I too it is officially according to my W - 100% my fault - she NEVER is responsible for anything - and neither of us ever initiate. I can totally empathize and relate and Welcome as they say the "Elephant Graveyard" of the worst Marriages.
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