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Post by iceman on Feb 8, 2019 8:42:45 GMT -5
Make sure there is a personality fit with the attorney and a strategy fit. If you think your stbx will go scorched earth then a warm and fuzzy mediation attorney is a bad idea. Likewise if your stbx and you are amicable, don't hire a shark. That call was hard as hell. I hung up the first two times someone answered without saying a word. But I'd call aroubd 3 attorneys to get a good fit. Try to work amicable but keep the shark in your contacts list. Just in case. Be sure you have all the pertinent info. They will have you fill out forms asking for it. Names, social security numbers. Recent tax returns. Recent bank, investment, retirement statements. Obvious stuff. Be honest. If you fucked around on her, tell the attorney. You sure as hell don't want your champion getting clubbed from behind. Is there anything she really wants? House? Cash? Retirement? How about you? These form the basis for negotiation. It's amazing how flexible you can be on these if you sweeten the pot with something they want. And for God's sake don't let it drag out over little shit if you don't have to. Nobody but the lawyers win in those circumstances. Thanks for advice. I don’t think she’ll go scorched earth on me, I think if I give her the house, which she can have, and I give her support for a couple of years while she gets on her feet she’ll be good. I just want my personal stuff and half the assets and start fresh. Don’t know of course until we’re to that point though. This shouldn’t be a surprise to her. She’s told me multiple times to leave. Two days ago she told me that again when I pissed her off. I do think her outbursts are more out of anger and don’t think she thinks I’ll do it so that part may be a bit of a surprise to her. Curious if she’ll start being contrite and start trying to get me back. Too late for that though.
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Post by iceman on Feb 7, 2019 9:01:04 GMT -5
The attorneys know the judges. It is a big club. Ask if there is anything you can do to find favor in the judges eyes, or avoid disfavor. Ask if they can facilitate a mediated divorce. If your STBX will sit down with you and a neutral expert, you can come to an agreement much cheaper than if either of you choose to fight it out. Ask if there is anything you can do preemptively. For example, if I had three years to plan, I would have demanded my ex get her career in gear, and I would have backed off my overtime or even found a lesser paying job. This would have put me in a much better place, financially, in the long term. The attorney I’m seeing is a former family court judge so I hoping he has a good perspective on things. One of the interesting things that’s has happened is that I’ve been offered a voluntary buyout. If I take it I’ll get one year salary. If I don’t there’s a chance I’ll be laid off in a few months. Need to see what the impact would be if I took it.
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Post by iceman on Feb 6, 2019 15:18:30 GMT -5
i finally worked up the nerve to make an appointment with an attorney to get an idea of how painful it will be for me to extricate myself from my completely dysfunctional marriage. I was surprised just how difficult it was for me to make that call. But, now that I’ve done it I feel a certain lightness like a weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve actually started down the road towards freedom. I know there will be a lot of pain coming before it’s over but for now it feels good.
Any tips on what to ask? I’m taking in all the pertinent information I can think of and I have my list of obvious questions, i.e. how is it going to shake out financially , what’s the process, how long will this take ... Are there less obvious questions I should ask?
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Post by iceman on Feb 6, 2019 15:07:30 GMT -5
God, I hate Valentines Day!!!! That said, we still go through the motions and buy a card, flowers, etc. Just pathetic!
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Post by iceman on Oct 1, 2018 13:40:37 GMT -5
Also think about what remaining long-term in a miserable marriage is doing to you. By the time my dad died, my mom was in her 70s and although she was reasonably healthy, she had become a chronically bitter, depressed woman. It was depressing being in her company. For instance, when one of my sons interviewed her for an elementary school project, he asked her what her goals are. Her answer was: "To die in peace." She also told my sons that every night she prayed to die. Is that the kind of person you want to grow into? That is one of my big worries. I do feel like I’m a shell of the person I used to be. And I feel my wife is even more of a shell of her former self than I am. If we can pull ourself apart from each other I think we’ll both be better off in the long run. It’s just SO hard to pull ourselves apart from each other ....
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Post by iceman on Sept 28, 2018 14:16:13 GMT -5
iceman said: "I actually dislike weekends because I have to spend more time with my wife. It’s exhausting trying to find ways to avoid her for two days every week. " Can you find things to do outside the house with your kids -- things you and the kids enjoy but your wife doesn't? You can say you're giving your wife a break. Otherwise, what's the point of not divorcing since you're doing your best to be out of the house and presumably away from your kids? When I can I try to do things with my kids. But, they are at the age when they have their own interests and often decline my invitation. Driving my son to his activities was a good excuse to be away for long periods of time and I enjoyed doing it. However, he now drives himself so I no longer have that time away. This experience has given me a picture of what life will be like when the kids are away and it scares the crap out of me.
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Post by iceman on Sept 27, 2018 10:36:51 GMT -5
I felt that I needed to stay until my youngest was out of the house because my refuser was so abusive. If I had not been around, my daughters would have never been able to have time with friends or even get their driver's licenses. But I do worry about how my miserable joke of a marriage affected them. But there is nothing I can do about it now. I do know that I could not spend another holiday with my refuser. I used to dread holidays and trips because she would always get mad about something. Once, in California, she got mad at me because it was cloudy. As if I could do anything about it. I do think that holidays will be much better without all the tension. I actually dislike weekends because I have to spend more time with my wife. It’s exhausting trying to find ways to avoid her for two days every week.
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Post by iceman on Sept 27, 2018 10:06:33 GMT -5
I think most of us here with children worry about what the impact of divorce might be on our children, particularly when they are younger. But what is the impact when they are grown if we don’t divorce? When they are grown will they want to come visit parents who obviously don’t enjoy each other’s company and seem to be in a permanent state of unhappiness unless they have to? If they have children, our grandchildren, will they encourage them to come spend time with us and expose their children to our unhappiness? Will our grandchildren even enjoy spending time with us, or will we be the grumpy grandparents? By staying married are we sentencing ourself to a life of loneliness with our only company being the person that is the cause of our unhappiness, and by extension the cause of our loneliness? Just thinking ....
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Post by iceman on Sept 27, 2018 9:27:02 GMT -5
Weirdly, my wife thought that we hadn't had sex at all between her hysterectomy that was maybe 7 years ago and this past July. We did have starfish sex a few times a year up until the end of 2015. The point is, though - for refusers sex isn't important enough to remember. Sex isn’t important enough to remember, it’s not important enough to make time for it, not important enough to address medical issues she says is the partial cause of her lack of interest, not important enough to worry about the negative impact of no sex in marriage .... the list goes on .....
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Post by iceman on Sept 26, 2018 8:22:34 GMT -5
The last time I had sex was March of last year. Last time I had sex with my wife was about four and a half years ago. Either way, it's not good. Yeah it’s not good, I last had sex about 3 months ago. I last had sex with my wife about 2 1/2 years ago and it was 2 years before that. Not good at all ....
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Post by iceman on Sept 15, 2018 10:48:55 GMT -5
I voted yes but it’s really a only partial consideration. I certainly don’t want to be held in by money but I’d be untruthful saying it wasn’t a consideration in me staying so far.
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Post by iceman on Aug 30, 2018 12:40:20 GMT -5
You are absolutely correct. There are no answers. Thank you! 😋
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Doubts
Aug 23, 2018 13:29:28 GMT -5
Post by iceman on Aug 23, 2018 13:29:28 GMT -5
She also told you that unhappiness is totally acceptable in her world. The only way to solve that is change. ( so that gives her the right to say you have to have no joy too? NOT!!) That means her having to face her fears and give up control. Instead she pulls DARVO on you and puts all the blame on you. Denial, Avoidance, Reversal, making her the victim and you the Offender. She also took a pledge and a vow to have and to hold, to honor and cherish to love and respect, till death do us part. She continues to break those vows and sweep them under the rug. You are being mentally (and perhaps physically abused) and have every right according to God's word, not a religion to end a toxic marriage. Well said!!
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Post by iceman on Aug 23, 2018 13:28:25 GMT -5
iceman thank you! This is a timely post for me. I feel like I have gotten really clear we are going to separate and are headed in that direction. It feels true and right to me to accept that we are just not compatible and focus on moving on. However, our family circumstances require that we stay together for at least the next year. To me this is frustrating but not a big deal- we have been living as roomates/friends for years so another year or so won't kill me (likely). However, my h is suddenly mr marriage, mr lets fix it, mr I think we should have sex. It is making me doubt the hard won awareness I have fought to have over the last 9 years. It is making my plan to coexist very hard because he is just constantly pushing this agenda. And after having wanted to hear this for so long it is fucking with my head. I no longer want to work on fixing it (despite my name) but his attitude is making me feel like I am the problem. Keep letting us know how you are managing this doubt. I am there with you! I’m sorry you’re going through that. Suddenly having saying what you’ve wanted to hear for so really must be tucking with your head. It certainly would mine if my wife suddenly started to want to have sex, real sex, not the i’m going to just lay here and not move sex, I’d be very confused. At least my wife doesnt really offer anything to entice me to stay, just the status quo. The only doubts i have is about myself at this point but I’ll work through it. Stay strong!!
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Doubts
Aug 23, 2018 13:12:05 GMT -5
Post by iceman on Aug 23, 2018 13:12:05 GMT -5
Iceman said: “She also said she doesn’t believe in divorce and felt marriage should contiube through the really hard times even if we’re perpetually unhappy.” She doesn’t need to believe in divorce for you to divorce her. If you don’t want to stay married, talk to a lawyer to see how a divorce would shake out. Oh I get that I need to decide if I want to stay married or not and that decision is not dependent on her desires. I’ve always known that I would have to be the one to make the move. It would be nice if we could come to agreement that the best thing for both us is to divorce but it’s not necessary. THe part that is causing me distress is her refusal to take any responsibility for our problems. It’s so frustrating! But I guess it is something I’m just going to have to accept and move on. As I think about it, at this point it really doesn’t matter how the blame is distributed. If her delusional belief that I’m to blame for everything is what she needs to tell herself to get through this, and as long as she doesn’t try to place all the blame on me with the kids, so be it. Thanks
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