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Post by iceman on Feb 6, 2019 15:18:30 GMT -5
i finally worked up the nerve to make an appointment with an attorney to get an idea of how painful it will be for me to extricate myself from my completely dysfunctional marriage. I was surprised just how difficult it was for me to make that call. But, now that I’ve done it I feel a certain lightness like a weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve actually started down the road towards freedom. I know there will be a lot of pain coming before it’s over but for now it feels good.
Any tips on what to ask? I’m taking in all the pertinent information I can think of and I have my list of obvious questions, i.e. how is it going to shake out financially , what’s the process, how long will this take ... Are there less obvious questions I should ask?
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 6, 2019 17:20:39 GMT -5
I remember making that phone call was tough for me too. I wish you all the best in creating your happy future!
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 6, 2019 17:32:16 GMT -5
The attorneys know the judges. It is a big club. Ask if there is anything you can do to find favor in the judges eyes, or avoid disfavor.
Ask if they can facilitate a mediated divorce. If your STBX will sit down with you and a neutral expert, you can come to an agreement much cheaper than if either of you choose to fight it out.
Ask if there is anything you can do preemptively. For example, if I had three years to plan, I would have demanded my ex get her career in gear, and I would have backed off my overtime or even found a lesser paying job. This would have put me in a much better place, financially, in the long term.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 6, 2019 17:34:17 GMT -5
i finally worked up the nerve to make an appointment with an attorney to get an idea of how painful it will be for me to extricate myself from my completely dysfunctional marriage. I was surprised just how difficult it was for me to make that call. But, now that I’ve done it I feel a certain lightness like a weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve actually started down the road towards freedom. I know there will be a lot of pain coming before it’s over but for now it feels good. Any tips on what to ask? I’m taking in all the pertinent information I can think of and I have my list of obvious questions, i.e. how is it going to shake out financially , what’s the process, how long will this take ... Are there less obvious questions I should ask? Feels good to start down that path. The hardest part for me was telling him. And staying under the same roof after until I got moved. There is a lot of stress but the divorce process is pretty easy once you agree on who gets what. But no matter what you go through it is so worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 19:07:07 GMT -5
Congrats on taking a step forward. It's so hard to finally get to that point.
What to ask / bring: I Your financial info (bank accounts, investment, retirement, wages), real property assets, health insurance info (depending on where you reside), any other assets and their values, including collectable or antiques. I would also say have in mind your idea of a "fair split" of your marital assets. May not be what the law says you should / must do, but will give your attorney of where you are starting from. If yoi have kids, think about what kind of custody / visitation schedule you would like to have as well. Good luck to you. Hard as it is, anything (IMO) is better than being stuck in limbo or stuck where you don't belong.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 6, 2019 19:13:36 GMT -5
Make sure there is a personality fit with the attorney and a strategy fit.
If you think your stbx will go scorched earth then a warm and fuzzy mediation attorney is a bad idea. Likewise if your stbx and you are amicable, don't hire a shark.
That call was hard as hell. I hung up the first two times someone answered without saying a word. But I'd call aroubd 3 attorneys to get a good fit. Try to work amicable but keep the shark in your contacts list. Just in case.
Be sure you have all the pertinent info. They will have you fill out forms asking for it. Names, social security numbers. Recent tax returns. Recent bank, investment, retirement statements. Obvious stuff.
Be honest. If you fucked around on her, tell the attorney. You sure as hell don't want your champion getting clubbed from behind.
Is there anything she really wants? House? Cash? Retirement? How about you? These form the basis for negotiation. It's amazing how flexible you can be on these if you sweeten the pot with something they want.
And for God's sake don't let it drag out over little shit if you don't have to. Nobody but the lawyers win in those circumstances.
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Post by iceman on Feb 7, 2019 9:01:04 GMT -5
The attorneys know the judges. It is a big club. Ask if there is anything you can do to find favor in the judges eyes, or avoid disfavor. Ask if they can facilitate a mediated divorce. If your STBX will sit down with you and a neutral expert, you can come to an agreement much cheaper than if either of you choose to fight it out. Ask if there is anything you can do preemptively. For example, if I had three years to plan, I would have demanded my ex get her career in gear, and I would have backed off my overtime or even found a lesser paying job. This would have put me in a much better place, financially, in the long term. The attorney I’m seeing is a former family court judge so I hoping he has a good perspective on things. One of the interesting things that’s has happened is that I’ve been offered a voluntary buyout. If I take it I’ll get one year salary. If I don’t there’s a chance I’ll be laid off in a few months. Need to see what the impact would be if I took it.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 7, 2019 19:53:36 GMT -5
The attorneys know the judges. It is a big club. Ask if there is anything you can do to find favor in the judges eyes, or avoid disfavor. Ask if they can facilitate a mediated divorce. If your STBX will sit down with you and a neutral expert, you can come to an agreement much cheaper than if either of you choose to fight it out. Ask if there is anything you can do preemptively. For example, if I had three years to plan, I would have demanded my ex get her career in gear, and I would have backed off my overtime or even found a lesser paying job. This would have put me in a much better place, financially, in the long term. The attorney I’m seeing is a former family court judge so I hoping he has a good perspective on things. One on 5e interesting things that’s has happened is that I’ve been offered a voluntary buyout. If I take it I’ll get one year salary. If I don’t there’s a chance I’ll be laid off in a few months. Need to see what the impact would be if I took it. Likely if you get cash you split it. You could also see if the buyout can be paid over time.
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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2019 20:39:56 GMT -5
Apart from the above suggestions, reckon you need to have two time frames in mind. #1 - getting divorced now, asap. #2 - getting divorced in (say) another 3 years Basically to see if there is any advantage in acting now, compared to later.
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Post by iceman on Feb 8, 2019 8:42:45 GMT -5
Make sure there is a personality fit with the attorney and a strategy fit. If you think your stbx will go scorched earth then a warm and fuzzy mediation attorney is a bad idea. Likewise if your stbx and you are amicable, don't hire a shark. That call was hard as hell. I hung up the first two times someone answered without saying a word. But I'd call aroubd 3 attorneys to get a good fit. Try to work amicable but keep the shark in your contacts list. Just in case. Be sure you have all the pertinent info. They will have you fill out forms asking for it. Names, social security numbers. Recent tax returns. Recent bank, investment, retirement statements. Obvious stuff. Be honest. If you fucked around on her, tell the attorney. You sure as hell don't want your champion getting clubbed from behind. Is there anything she really wants? House? Cash? Retirement? How about you? These form the basis for negotiation. It's amazing how flexible you can be on these if you sweeten the pot with something they want. And for God's sake don't let it drag out over little shit if you don't have to. Nobody but the lawyers win in those circumstances. Thanks for advice. I don’t think she’ll go scorched earth on me, I think if I give her the house, which she can have, and I give her support for a couple of years while she gets on her feet she’ll be good. I just want my personal stuff and half the assets and start fresh. Don’t know of course until we’re to that point though. This shouldn’t be a surprise to her. She’s told me multiple times to leave. Two days ago she told me that again when I pissed her off. I do think her outbursts are more out of anger and don’t think she thinks I’ll do it so that part may be a bit of a surprise to her. Curious if she’ll start being contrite and start trying to get me back. Too late for that though.
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Post by iceman on Feb 8, 2019 8:47:50 GMT -5
Congrats on taking a step forward. It's so hard to finally get to that point. What to ask / bring: I Your financial info (bank accounts, investment, retirement, wages), real property assets, health insurance info (depending on where you reside), any other assets and their values, including collectable or antiques. I would also say have in mind your idea of a "fair split" of your marital assets. May not be what the law says you should / must do, but will give your attorney of where you are starting from. If yoi have kids, think about what kind of custody / visitation schedule you would like to have as well. Good luck to you. Hard as it is, anything (IMO) is better than being stuck in limbo or stuck where you don't belong. Yeah, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that broke and happy would be an improvement over my current situation. Hope it doesn’t come to the broke part but if it does it does.
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Post by iceman on Feb 8, 2019 8:53:12 GMT -5
Apart from the above suggestions, reckon you need to have two time frames in mind. #1 - getting divorced now, asap. #2 - getting divorced in (say) another 3 years Basically to see if there is any advantage in acting now, compared to later. I think it needs to be ASAP, maybe not from a financial perspective but from a personal perspective. I think you know I have prostate cancer which, while I’m doing I’m doing well and it’s in remission, gives me a very different perspective on life and how I want to spend what remaining time I have, which is hopefully a long time. I need to get to a happy place ASAP.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 8, 2019 9:14:52 GMT -5
Make sure there is a personality fit with the attorney and a strategy fit. If you think your stbx will go scorched earth then a warm and fuzzy mediation attorney is a bad idea. Likewise if your stbx and you are amicable, don't hire a shark. That call was hard as hell. I hung up the first two times someone answered without saying a word. But I'd call aroubd 3 attorneys to get a good fit. Try to work amicable but keep the shark in your contacts list. Just in case. Be sure you have all the pertinent info. They will have you fill out forms asking for it. Names, social security numbers. Recent tax returns. Recent bank, investment, retirement statements. Obvious stuff. Be honest. If you fucked around on her, tell the attorney. You sure as hell don't want your champion getting clubbed from behind. Is there anything she really wants? House? Cash? Retirement? How about you? These form the basis for negotiation. It's amazing how flexible you can be on these if you sweeten the pot with something they want. And for God's sake don't let it drag out over little shit if you don't have to. Nobody but the lawyers win in those circumstances. Thanks for advice. I don’t think she’ll go scorched earth on me, I think if I give her the house, which she can have, and I give her support for a couple of years while she gets on her feet she’ll be good. I just want my personal stuff and half the assets and start fresh. Don’t know of course until we’re to that point though. This shouldn’t be a surprise to her. She’s told me multiple times to leave. Two days ago she told me that again when I pissed her off. I do think her outbursts are more out of anger and don’t think she thinks I’ll do it so that part may be a bit of a surprise to her. Curious if she’ll start being contrite and start trying to get me back. Too late for that though. Well, how the stuff is divided depends upon the laws in your jurisdiction. Hence the visit to the lawyer. Your concept of support for a couple years also depends upon jurisdiction. In my state, there is no such thing as alimony. In some, it is for life. Again, the visit to the lawyer. If alimony is a long term prospect and you marriage is now a short term one, don't be surprised if she starts looking to her own self interest. It can go from there to scorched earth quite quickly. Or maybe it won't. Just be prepared for both.
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 8, 2019 11:00:18 GMT -5
Most attorneys will have you fill out an information sheet at first and get documents later. Most courts now order divorce cases to mediation, so try to be prepared for that.
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2019 23:04:00 GMT -5
As above, a divorce is a process of negotiation.
Broadly, in one of 3 ways. #1 - where you (and your spouse) thrash out an agreement pretty much between the two of you - under the guidance of your lawyers. #2 - where you (and your spouse) can't come to an agreement, in which case your respective lawyers become far more involved in negotiating a settlement. #3 - where your respective lawyers can't come up with an agreement, in which case an independent person, a judge, will mandate a settlement upon you.
In my jurisdiction, method #3 happens in only about 20% of cases.
Personally, I think that method #3 is to be avoided... The judges call is a matter you have no control over. The process will be way more expensive than method #1 or #2.
You might be better served by conceding a few things as per method #1 or #2 than taking your chances on method #3.
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