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Post by iceman on Apr 3, 2018 15:33:44 GMT -5
I thought I was in love her and she with me. Looking back I think I was on the rebound from my divorce and very lonely. My now-wife seemed to actual like me and seemed to be in love with me. That was very intoxicating. I was sure I was never going to find anyone to love again and i didn’t want to lose her. In my mind at the time when you are in love the natural progression was to get married. And if I married her I’d never lose her. This all even though I had no problem finding women to date, and to have sex with. That part makes no sense to me. Why the rush? I knew when I said ‘I do’ that it wasn’t right but did it anyway. I convinced myself we could make it work. What an idiot I was .....
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Post by iceman on Oct 27, 2017 8:09:51 GMT -5
This isn't precisely what I worry about with my kids. I think my wife and I do a pretty good job of shielding the kids from our problems. We have very few actual fights, especially in front of them. But it's obvious, at least it is to me, that our behavior towards each other with the coldness, lack of affection, and largely leading separate lives shows what's going on between us. Kids are much more perceptive than we often think. I worry they are picking up on it which, though unspoken, is causing them stress and we are showing them an example of marriage that I would never wish for anybody that
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Post by iceman on Oct 17, 2017 14:14:36 GMT -5
Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable. I believe you should go easier on my new friend h, h. Lots of people here like him, respect him, and enjoy his company in this forum. He's fully likeable, and desirable to women, just not that particular woman that's in the center of the sexual maelstrom. I see in you a problem we share. Shame. Our wives think we suck, so it must be true, so we denigrate ourselves preemptively hoping that will dissuade others from thinking we suck. It is a defence, in my case anyway, that keeps me from going nuts. The sad part is that while I always thought myself to be a good husband I do suck now as a husband. I make no effort to be a good husband. Good father? Absolutely. Good husband? I don't care if I am or not. It makes no difference either way. I didn't wake up one day and think I'm going to start being a bad husband. I just quit trying at some point.
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Post by iceman on Oct 9, 2017 9:28:53 GMT -5
8 of 10. Not good ...
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Post by iceman on Oct 4, 2017 13:13:11 GMT -5
My take on this is that it's a diversion tactic by your wife. She won't tell you what 'wooing' means and if she did I'm betting she'd suddenly come up with something else for you to do before she'd be willing to have sex. I'd agree. But how do we know? That's the really frustrating part for me, there's always the "what ifs", I'm certain most of the SM community fall into the "moving the goalposts" category, but there's always going to be outliers in the statistical analysis and "what if" my/your SM is one of them? How long do we keep trying to fix something that appears unfixable, but may not be? It's so easy to tie yourself up in mental knots when dealing with this crap! For me it came very suddenly. After years of dealing with this crap I had a monent of clarity, an epiphany, where I understood that nothing was going to change. I don't know why it occurred when it did. There was nothing out of ordinary when she rejected me. A garden variety rejection that had happened hundreds of times before. But something snapped in me and I was no longer going to make the effort to try to fix the unfixable. My wife barely noticed for quite some time. She probably enjoyed the peace and quiet of me not hounding her and begging her to addreess the problem. Then it apparently occurred to her that I was withdrawing from her and our marriage and she got defensive but made no attempt to change anything.
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Post by iceman on Oct 3, 2017 13:58:03 GMT -5
I'm sorry this is happening. It sucks big time I know. I agree with McRoomMate, he sounds like an A hole. No consideration of your needs which I don't get. For me satisfying my partner is part of what I need for my own arousal. Just pounding away without regards for their pleasure doesn't do it for me.
i know you're hurting. My advice is to process your feelings and figure out what to do to help yourself, and then act on it. If you don't the sharp pain you feel know will turn into a constant dull ache and that's no way to live. I've been rejected so many times that pain I used to feel so sharply when I'm rejected isn't there any longer. It's just a dull ache I feel all the time and it sucks the life out of me. Act before you reach that state!
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Post by iceman on Oct 2, 2017 13:42:34 GMT -5
My take on this is that it's a diversion tactic by your wife. She won't tell you what 'wooing' means and if she did I'm betting she'd suddenly come up with something else for you to do before she'd be willing to have sex.
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Post by iceman on Sept 28, 2017 9:02:42 GMT -5
Have you sat your wife down and had a serious talk about what's going on? Why she's no longer interested in sex and her take on how it's impacting your marriage. And your feelings as well. What your take is on the importance of sex from a personal perspective but also what it's doing to your marriage. You may have had the talk already but if you haven't you don't really know what's going on in her mind and some possible ways to deal with it. It will give you some clarity.
Now as a warning she may completely stonewall you and refuse to talk or tell you just can't deal with it. My wife did that. She just can't find it in herself to even address the problem. If she does that is a very big statement in itself and you have a much better idea where you are and can go from there to decide what you want/need to do. Deciding that may take years. There's so much to consider, especially with kids involved. I'm actively about 5 years in this sexless journey and still don't really know what I'm doing.
Good luck.
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Post by iceman on Sept 20, 2017 13:16:15 GMT -5
I feel that in the short term it's probably more difficult for the lower drive person to have sex than asking the higher drive person to not have sex. That happens all the time even with happily married couples. However, in the long term I feel that it's equally difficult for both 'sides'. The impact of each may manifest itself differently for each but they are equally painful in their own way. It comes to a question of compatibility. Almost every couple have differences in sex drives. Hopefully they are relatively small differences and it's acceptable for each person to compromise to accommodate the other. When the differences become unacceptable on a long term basis the compatibility of the couple has to be questioned.
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Post by iceman on Sept 20, 2017 10:54:09 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment. Iceman, are you ready to potentially put a fork in this relationship? How about this response: The choices that both of us have made have put us where we are today, and the choices that we make from here on out will determine where we end up. I can no longer live the way we have been, and I cannot and will not except the blame for everything. I see 3 choices in front of us. Let us each choose 2, and the intersection of our choices will be what we do. The choices are: A) stay married and BOTH of us meet in the middle on our grievances B) agree to allow me (Iceman) to outsource C) divorce If you no longer wish to try, don't choose option A. Valid point. I no longer wish to try. I don't think my wife does either. I feel we're moving towards a divorce albeit slowly. I think she sees it that way as well. While I could and am sort of outsourcing in the short term, I don't think I could keep going that route forever just to stay married. That said, there is a lot to consider, mainly with our kids. I've resigned myself to the financial hit I'm probably going to take, actually the hit we'll both take. It's the kids that take most of my thought. I know everybody has sensitive situations when it comes to kids but I think our situation is especially sensitive. I'll leave it at that.
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Post by iceman on Sept 18, 2017 8:41:30 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment.
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Post by iceman on Sept 18, 2017 7:58:49 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings. I hope you are seeing that "gee I didn't know you felt that way" has DARVO written all over it. Indeed it does. She's an accomplished practitionerof of the tactic. 🙁
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Post by iceman on Sept 15, 2017 12:27:13 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings.
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Post by iceman on Sept 6, 2017 7:53:37 GMT -5
I dont want to hit the kill switch, at least not yet. My h is asexual and I know it isn't his fault or mine. At this point who's at fault is meaningless. He's asexual and, I assume, you're not. That's not going to change. Can you find a way to make that work without one or both of you living a life of unhappiness just to stay together?
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Post by iceman on Sept 5, 2017 9:19:56 GMT -5
I don't have anything to hide but it pisses me off when she starts snooping. Fortunately she doesn't do it that often. It's a matter of privacy for me. Just because we're married doesn't mean we don't respect each other's privacy. We're still individuals. I'm by nature a private person, even with my wife, as odd as that might sound. I don't look at her texts or computer. I don't open mail addressed just to her. It's all her stuff. If she wants or needs me to know something about what might be there she'll tell me and I expect the same courtesy from her. If there is something pertinent to us as a couple or our family it will come via email, mail, or text to both of us.
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