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Post by WindSister on Mar 8, 2018 9:39:13 GMT -5
Why did you get married?
Before you answer with the typical societal acceptable BS, get quiet, go within and GET REAL with yourself. What was your REAL motive for getting married in the first place? Did you even have one, or did you just do it? Or did you have one? What was it? BE REAL when you answer it. You don't have to share your answer here, but if you do, I ask that no one pass judgement for real answers. No lecturing allowed, no shaming. Seeing the truth is half the battle. Try to take off the victim glasses, too -- and really see, unfiltered, the choices you made to get you to here.
This isn't meant to be another way to beat yourself up so no self-shaming allowed either. It's just meant to be a way to wake up to truth and see it. From there you grow (and can GO).
The way I see it - unless BOTH partners marry (or hell, let's take out "marry" and just say "be with each other") because they really want to be with that person to include sexually, then the relationship can't ever "go back" to a SEXUAL one. It never was one in the first place.
I got married the first time around because I was afraid of being lonely. Bam. Truth, right there. He was "the next guy" that came along and I grabbed on even though every fiber of my being was trying to warn me he wasn't the one for me. Even before we got married I noticed with disappointment how he "tensed up like a statue" when I touched his back, tried to hold his hand, etc. But, I didn't want to be lonely, so I got married. Guess what I got in return? 15 years of feeling pretty freaking alone. Over 10 of them completely sexless. My foundation in this marriage was shaky from the start, so really, it is NO WONDER it crumbled.
My second marriage? I got married because I adore this man and want to be with him - to DEFINITELY include sexually. That's our foundation.
My now husband got married the first time because she got pregnant and her mom literally shamed him into getting married. She yelled at him, "You better marry her!!" and he yelled back, "OKAY!!!!!" Nice foundation, eh? Is it any wonder he was considered the "angry one" in that marriage? Trapped. Like a caged animal. He's not like that with me because he's not trapped.
So, the WHY in this case really does matter, I feel because it points to the kind of foundation a couple might have. It's possible to marry "for all the right reasons" and still divorce if the foundation becomes so shattered, I know, but I have a hunch a good majority, if they are really, truly honest, didn't have it to start with. (I could be wrong)
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 8, 2018 9:54:03 GMT -5
Because I loved him and I was so in love.
I was 21 when we got married and I was still young and naive. If I were the woman I am today then we would have divorced that first year most likely.
But here I am 25 years later and I still love him like family. I'm wiser and now my focus is about ME and making sure my needs are met- financially, stability, companionship, sexually, the family unit, etc. For me at this stage of my life this requires more than one person.
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Post by elynne on Mar 8, 2018 10:08:56 GMT -5
Let’s see...
1. I really thought I was in love 2. I thought he loved me. 3. I was was accidentally pregnant (with his baby) and living in a different country. I was considering an abortion but he was thrilled - he was upset that I wasn’t as excited as he was. I told him honestly that I was still kind of reeling and needed to get used to the idea. 4. I’m a bit impulsive and love adventure. 5. I was happy to get away from living in the US and away from a dysfunctional family. 6. I was 34 and believed I was soon going to be too old for anyone to want to marry me.
(Little did I know I was marrying into a family as dysfunctional as my own - but in a lower status as the ‘koude kant’ - the non-blood relatives.)
One time I was really proud of my mom- at h’s dissertation defense - mil said to my mom - “I don’t know why he’s marrying her. They can live together and see if it works out.”
My mom replied, “She’s given up her 6 figure job, her friends, her family, her country to move here and have his child. The least he could do is ask her to marry him!”
But if I take a long hard look at myself - I would say I was running away. I was jumping into marriage impulsively without enough forethought. I was high on hope and unrealistic promises of a fairytale. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that he had always said he would never get married, but then he met me.
Oh. I should have seen the red flags. I’m nowhere near perfect. But I so wanted to believe I could be loved so intensely.
My shit that I need to clean up is believing that sacrificing for someone else will make them love me. That I’m not capable on my own.
His shit - is believing I’ve never once sacrificed for him. And that because I’m not perfect I’m not worthy.
I see some dovetails in our issues. As I clean up and work on my stuff, we’re not fitting together very well.
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Post by ted on Mar 8, 2018 11:33:00 GMT -5
I got married to move past the plateau of courtship and up to the full heights of marriage. We were young and from conservative Christian families, so short of getting married, there was no way we could progress to living together or having a sexual relationship. We had been dating for four years, through ages 16–20. I loved her, and we were best friends. We weren't as physically affectionate as I wanted to be, but thought we were jointly moderating our physicality per the dictates of God and our families' wishes. We were already doing more than we were allowed to do and feeling bad about it, but we didn't have sex. I recognized we were a little young, but I thought we had checked all the boxes and were ready for the next stage—for what else were we waiting?
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 8, 2018 12:10:04 GMT -5
There is one part of my story that I always remember. One evening when I was 27 yrs old I was driving my rig home late on a Friday night with another 400 miles to go. Off to my left I saw a group of condos in the distance. On one of the back porches sat a man with his two kids. His wife was bringing out dinner. I thought about where I was. Alone, 400 miles from home, 7:00pm on a Friday night, heading south on I-95. It was one of those, "What am I doing here, that is where I want to be!". That triggered my drive to get married. I also dismissed many things about her that where red flags. I gave it the excuse " you are not going to meet anyone else while you remain on the road like this, and you're getting older."
I wanted stability and a sense of security. I also thought I would be less lonely.
Another major part was that finally someone wanted me, and I thought I could help that person.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 8, 2018 15:56:43 GMT -5
We loved each other and I was in love with him. After 5 years together and already in our 30s we had already pictured and planned our future together. I looked forward to it and didn’t want to picture anything else.
I ignored red flags because I was impressed by him. He was smart, capable, driven, accomplished, funny, and worldly. He offered stability and financial security. There was too much good to even pay any mind to the “bad”.
Now, I see he was never IN love with me in the way I need but maybe in the only way he is capable. I have never doubted his love for me but now see that his life consists of a series of check boxes which he has diligently checked one by one. This includes Wife and Kid. It does not include Divorce on that list. He’s going to have a very difficult time adjusting his life view when that time comes.
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Post by elynne on Mar 8, 2018 17:06:41 GMT -5
We loved each other and I was in love with him. After 5 years together and already in our 30s we had already pictured and planned our future together. I looked forward to it and didn’t want to picture anything else. I ignored red flags because I was impressed by him. He was smart, capable, driven, accomplished, funny, and worldly. He offered stability and financial security. There was too much good to even pay any mind to the “bad”. Now, I see he was never IN love with me in the way I need but maybe in the only way he is capable. I have never doubted his love for me but now see that his life consists of a series of check boxes which he has diligently checked one by one. This includes Wife and Kid. It does not include Divorce on that list. He’s going to have a very difficult time adjusting his life view when that time comes. Just because he’s had a checklist since adolescence that he’s working his way through doesn’t mean that your hopes and dreams and plans for the future are less valid than his. It seems to me that this seems to be at the crux of a lot of these relationships. Does one partner feel that his or her plans, opinions, desires, or wants are inherently more valid than their partner’s? A lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, or an unwillingness to openly listen to your partner and communicate with kindness and compassion - these things kill intimacy and build resentment. But @lonelywife, you sound like you’re well grounded. Strong. Good for you!
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 8, 2018 17:17:43 GMT -5
Just some random thoughts I'm having in regards to this question:
When I got married and leading up to my marriage I was very happy and I bet a lot of people were. The thing is the people we are at 20 is not who we are at 40 and in a marriage we either grow together or apart. I have definitely changed and grown more than he has.
A quote I saw: "Butterfly people do not speak the same language as caterpillar people". We are butterfly people.
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Post by baza on Mar 8, 2018 17:37:47 GMT -5
After much reflection over the years, I think that "peer pressure" was the biggest player in me getting married back in the day.
It's a subject I've thought about a bit over the years ("why" did I do it) and I really can not come up with any "good" reason at all.
Peer pressure - or at least the perception I had that there was peer pressure - was the main thing. Like - "well everyone else is doing it so best I join in with the herd".
What a bullshit reason to undertake such a major life decision eh ?
Yet it spun out over decades despite the shakey foundations, and to the outside world may have looked quite ok.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 8, 2018 17:42:30 GMT -5
I want to add that at the time I convinced myself I loved him, we would have a good life, etc. But never once did we talk about sex, kids, finances, etc. It was an unintentional marriage with no foundation.
This time, it's for love, but not blind love: we have had the big conversations, plans, contracts, expectations, intentions, etc, and we continue to discuss these things. But number one, we really respect each other and that shows in all we do. I didn't have that in my previous marriage.
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Post by tirefire on Mar 8, 2018 19:49:47 GMT -5
After much reflection over the years, I think that "peer pressure" was the biggest player in me getting married back in the day. It's a subject I've thought about a bit over the years ("why" did I do it) and I really can not come up with any "good" reason at all. Peer pressure - or at least the perception I had that there was peer pressure - was the main thing. Like - "well everyone else is doing it so best I join in with the herd". What a bullshit reason to undertake such a major life decision eh ? Yet it spun out over decades despite the shakey foundations, and to the outside world may have looked quite ok. As much as we all like to think we don't, peer pressure runs so much of our lives. Don't beat yourself up over that one. Also, we get wiser over the years. 😉
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 8, 2018 20:24:35 GMT -5
I love her and I thought all the physical side boxes would be checked in time. I was willing to wait with the expectations that it will come. I was her first and she was going slow and slow was ok as long as it got there.
We were doing the right things the right way, taking our time and it was the next step. Love blinded me to the red flags of her and the modeled relationship from her parents.
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Post by flounder on Mar 8, 2018 22:42:56 GMT -5
Because I was in love. We were together 7 years before we were married. The first 5 years of marriage were great. About a year after my daughter was born everything changed.
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Post by idgaf96 on Mar 8, 2018 22:58:06 GMT -5
This is a question I have thought a lot about. I met my husband when I was 19. We met in rush hour traffic and I remember our 2nd date he told me he loved me. I told him that he must not know what love was because he didn't know me. He responded with something along the lines of he knew enough to know he wanted me. We moved quickly. Lived together within a couple months. I was eager to do what your supposed to do. Meet someone, get married, have kids get a dog and live happily ever after. Oh my young brainwashed naive self. I wish I could go back and slap that dumb little girl. Truth be told I did not even know him. He worked nights I was in college full time and was working 50ish hours a week also. I thought I loved him and didn't catch huge red flags because I was to busy trying to build the American dream.
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Post by elynne on Mar 9, 2018 1:08:02 GMT -5
This is a question I have thought a lot about. I met my husband when I was 19. We met in rush hour traffic and I remember our 2nd date he told me he loved me. I told him that he must not know what love was because he didn't know me. He responded with something along the lines of he knew enough to know he wanted me. We moved quickly. Lived together within a couple months. I was eager to do what your supposed to do. Meet someone, get married, have kids get a dog and live happily ever after. Oh my young brainwashed naive self. I wish I could go back and slap that dumb little girl. Truth be told I did not even know him. He worked nights I was in college full time and was working 50ish hours a week also. I thought I loved him and didn't catch huge red flags because I was to busy trying to build the American dream. May I suggest being kinder and more compassionate with yourself. Why do you want to go back and slap your younger self? Interesting that you could also wish to go back to warn her, guide her, protect her.
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