|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 9, 2018 3:35:54 GMT -5
I was really shy. I still. I had never had a boyfriend. I had had several one night stands, not all were necessarily my choice. Some of it, ughhh, stupid college.
One reason was I wanted to marry someone for my religion. The women weren't patient in teaching me to pray. I was also being pressured to get married. young women were pressured really bad at that time to get married.
I also wanted sex. I wanted sex and intimacy but I was really scared and shy.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 9, 2018 3:51:03 GMT -5
...Oh my young brainwashed naive self. I wish I could go back and slap that dumb little girl. Truth be told I did not even know him. He worked nights I was in college full time and was working 50ish hours a week also. I thought I loved him and didn't catch huge red flags because I was to busy trying to build the American dream. May I suggest being kinder and more compassionate with yourself. Why do you want to go back and slap your younger self? Interesting that you could also wish to go back to warn her, guide her, protect her. I fully understand the frustration and self deprecation. I think I could bitch-slap my younger self in a loving way to shake some sense into him, but I was pretty dense and it might have taken a headlocked pounding on the concrete to get through to me. I saw my marriage as the next phase of life, too. I knew she would be a loyal partner, believed she would be a good wife and mother. I had a savior complex, and she was barely scraping by. I worked a lot of overtime, and would be exhausted many nights we hung out, together, and, I suspect I missed details by not being at my sharpest, but it was relaxing to be with her.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Mar 9, 2018 4:05:19 GMT -5
For me, there are some reasons I acknowledged back then and reasons I've only gathered in hindsight. He seemed to adore me and I was utterly charmed by that. I thought I would be happy being in a relationship where he loved me more. I didn't understand about love bombing and obsessional interests. I had been depressed and single for a while. I was only 26 but for my small rural Southern hometown, the buckle of the Bible belt, that was old. My visa was running out and I wasn't yet ready to finish the relationship and I wasn't ready to leave England.
Really, I was trying to get away from my overbearing, narcissistic mother. And I wanted to put a whole ocean between us. With a narc mom and an alcoholic dad, I'd really learned I wasn't worth much. I'd either refused to see or failed to see a whole bunch of red flags. I was in one of those relationships where the sex was never right from the get go, but I thought it would get better. Ha ha.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 9, 2018 4:18:12 GMT -5
...I was in one of those relationships where the sex was never right from the get go, but I thought it would get better. Ha ha. LOL. I thought it would get better, too. The phrase I remember from churchy advise was that we'd "figure it out." Well, some dogs just don't hunt.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 9, 2018 5:43:41 GMT -5
For me, there are some reasons I acknowledged back then and reasons I've only gathered in hindsight. He seemed to adore me and I was utterly charmed by that. I thought I would be happy being in a relationship where he loved me more. I didn't understand about love bombing and obsessional interests. I had been depressed and single for a while. I was only 26 but for my small rural Southern hometown, the buckle of the Bible belt, that was old. My visa was running out and I wasn't yet ready to finish the relationship and I wasn't ready to leave England. Really, I was trying to get away from my overbearing, narcissistic mother. And I wanted to put a whole ocean between us. With a narc mom and an alcoholic dad, I'd really learned I wasn't worth much. I'd either refused to see or failed to see a whole bunch of red flags. I was in one of those relationships where the sex was never right from the get go, but I thought it would get better. Ha ha. @elkclan! Huge hugs. I can relate to your story, except my Dad wasn’t an alcholic. I count my Dad (though enabling my mom) as a safe and positive blessing in my life. I’m sorry that you didn’t have that.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Mar 9, 2018 6:06:01 GMT -5
I had had a good bit of adventure in my life prior to getting married at age 28. I married her because we were a good fit and I did and still do love her. For 27 years all was well, but then menopause caused a lot of issues for her. I told her how I felt and she kind of tried, then stopped. I waited - got nothing. I started making divorce noises and she suddenly went to the doctor and got some help and right now things are tolerable (with the help of a good side chick). We've actually been married twice - renewing our vows at 20 years. It was a good party. I don't think she will ask for another renewal - she knows I might say no. The lesson I learned from my parents - "If you are not getting it at home, then get it somewhere else." Sometimes you need more than one person to meet all your needs.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Mar 9, 2018 7:19:12 GMT -5
I had had a good bit of adventure in my life prior to getting married at age 28. I married her because we were a good fit and I did and still do love her. For 27 years all was well, but then menopause caused a lot of issues for her. I told her how I felt and she kind of tried, then stopped. I waited - got nothing. I started making divorce noises and she suddenly went to the doctor and got some help and right now things are tolerable (with the help of a good side chick). We've actually been married twice - renewing our vows at 20 years. It was a good party. I don't think she will ask for another renewal - she knows I might say no. The lesson I learned from my parents - "If you are not getting it at home, then get it somewhere else." Sometimes you need more than one person to meet all your needs. Amen to that! Sometimes they aren't capable of meeting our needs. My H is my best friend and we have a lot in common not to mention the kids and the family unit. At this point with what I know about my H sexually - he's not so great in bed and at this stage of the game I'm not about to start teaching a man how to please a woman so I'm perfectly happy getting stability and companionship from the exH and passion and pleasure from fwb.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Mar 9, 2018 10:02:15 GMT -5
I was really shy. I still. I had never had a boyfriend. I had had several one night stands, not all were necessarily my choice. Some of it, ughhh, stupid college. One reason was I wanted to marry someone for my religion. The women weren't patient in teaching me to pray. I was also being pressured to get married. young women were pressured really bad at that time to get married. I also wanted sex. I wanted sex and intimacy but I was really scared and shy. Sex should always be your choice, it's not stupid college, it's those particular men are assholes.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Mar 9, 2018 19:04:37 GMT -5
I was really shy. I still. I had never had a boyfriend. I had had several one night stands, not all were necessarily my choice. Some of it, ughhh, stupid college. One reason was I wanted to marry someone for my religion. The women weren't patient in teaching me to pray. I was also being pressured to get married. young women were pressured really bad at that time to get married. I also wanted sex. I wanted sex and intimacy but I was really scared and shy. Sex should always be your choice, it's not stupid college, it's those particular men are assholes. Truth.
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Mar 9, 2018 20:40:23 GMT -5
Why did I get married?
I got married in 1993 when I was 24 years old.
As a teen and into my early 20's, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. My sister was the popular one. The boys liked her. She was Marcia Brady and I looked more like Peter Brady!! (No lie, I have a side by side pic that proves it!! lol!)
I never felt pretty and had very low self-esteem.
I had only 2 steady boyfriends before meeting my H. They were the only two I had sexual experiences with. When he came along and had an interest in me, I was hooked. I felt as if I would never get married and I found myself a man who wanted me! I fell in love with him quickly. He was nice looking, had a good job, and he could cook! Looking back, I don't really know if it was a deep, true love. It most likely wasn't.
So, I feel I got married because I was afraid no one else would want me, I thought I was madly in love, many of my friends were getting married, I wanted to get out of my parent's house, and I wanted to have kids.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 9, 2018 21:12:41 GMT -5
Interesting to note that out of 20 odd responders to the post, only two ( ted and darktippedrose ) mention sex as one of the reasons they got married. We probably "all" thought that was an implicit part of the deal. Personally, having thought about this over the past day, my reasons for getting in to my marriage were pretty piss poor. And my reasons for staying in it weren't much better. But my reasons for getting out were rock solid. I think I put the hard work in in completely arse about fashion. The time to do the hard searching difficult work was before getting married. That may have saved a lot of people a lot of angst.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Mar 9, 2018 21:49:15 GMT -5
Some great sharing in this thread. Thanks, everyone.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Mar 9, 2018 22:01:20 GMT -5
[quote author=" baza" I think I put the hard work in in completely arse about fashion. The time to do the hard searching difficult work was before getting married. That may have saved a lot of people a lot of angst.[/quote] Yup.
|
|
|
Post by carl on Mar 10, 2018 0:15:18 GMT -5
Trying hard to remember ! Didn’t propose. But l liked her. Sounds different to some people’s experience but was over the moon when she said she was pregnant. Not that I would have dreamt of having a kid myself. Good thing she never asked. I was really young and have grown to love my wife over the years. I have always cared deeply about her but can’t change how she feels about me or how we are. It is a shame as we are a nice couple.
|
|
|
Post by carl on Mar 10, 2018 0:26:38 GMT -5
Interesting to note that out of 20 odd responders to the post, only two ( ted and darktippedrose ) mention sex as one of the reasons they got married. We probably "all" thought that was an implicit part of the deal. Personally, having thought about this over the past day, my reasons for getting in to my marriage were pretty piss poor. And my reasons for staying in it weren't much better. But my reasons for getting out were rock solid. I think I put the hard work in in completely arse about fashion. The time to do the hard searching difficult work was before getting married. That may have saved a lot of people a lot of angst. I agree. If at the time I knew what I know now then time would have better spent searching rather than slogging things out after a questionable choice. And yes I agree that sex would be implied as part of a marriage rather than excluded from marriage. But for me when I got married I had no sense of who would’ve made a good partner.
|
|