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Post by nyctos on Sept 27, 2018 0:59:38 GMT -5
Tonight, just now actually, I had a conversation with my refusing wife. I told her the definition of a sexless marriage (10 times a year) and asked her how long we've been in one.
She countered that we had sex last year. The thing is, she's wrong. The last time we had sex was July 2015, but she wouldn't believe that. She insisted we have sex at least once a year.
I tried telling her I knew it was 2015 because that's when I gave up. It didn't convince her. I tried mentioning the last time she initiated (August 2011, Marriott hotel in Virginia - she admitted she didn't remember, and asked why she needs to initiate).
The thing that really strikes me is that she's utterly convinced we had sex last year. I have much more reason to remember. I go through each year thinking, "well, that's another year".
So, does your refuser actually remember the last time you had sex? Do they have wildly different ideas about it from reality?
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Post by baza on Sept 27, 2018 2:04:34 GMT -5
I am going back into history here, back to my ILIASM deal when I was in it.
And yes, I am pretty sure she would remember it - simply because it was the worst root I ever (and I suspect she ever) had in all my born days. And, it was, for us, the last too. Unimaginably bad it was. Terrible. Not completed either. Awful.
Memorable for all the wrong reasons. Still gives me the heeby jeebys when I think of it - which thankfully is not often these days.
As regards my then missus, she had a great memory (when it suited) and not so good when it didn't suit her. Can't say that I'm immune from selective memory either. There's lots of shit I would like to forget.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 27, 2018 5:20:43 GMT -5
My h does not dispute the timetable but does claim skepticism. He knows I keep a journal though. I have 18 years of trying to fix my sm deal documented. FML
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 27, 2018 5:28:48 GMT -5
What difference does it make if they remember? Bottom line is you have no sex life. You are miserable. Do you allow yourself to remember that and to feel the loss/hurt/anger/pain enough to take actions under your control to give yourself the life you want?
When I was in my sm an important thing I learned was that I was the one not attending to and comprehending my feelings and desires,
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 27, 2018 7:00:22 GMT -5
If I were to ask my wife she would say "I don't 'keep score'!". I know when it was, May 2014, within a day or two of our anniversary, and it was terrible sex!
@shynjdude got it right, for refusers sex isn't important enough to remember.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 27, 2018 7:38:12 GMT -5
You might as well be arguing over , when she murdered someone, and how many bullets she put in them? Her defense and arguing should be a strong tipping point for you.
Just like when my ex was asked in therapy about sex and intimacy? her response was " I don't see the need for it, it doesn't matter to me, it's not that important, it's not my problem".
This is the hard part, don't be upset about it, be thankful! here's where you find joy in tribulation. She gave you a gift! Her letting you know that nothing is going to change and she doesn't care about it, is a lot easier to deal with than her bait and switching you, resetting you, or love bombing you and then you having to deal with all the added emotions and excuses.
She handed you a get out of jail free card. Stay strong and press forward.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 27, 2018 8:00:59 GMT -5
Mine had thought it had been a couple months. In reality it had been a couple years. And prior to that it had also been measured in years, not months.
But if you don't care for spinach, you are unlikely to savor the memory of when you last ate spinach.
She didn't like sex. It's not surprising she didn't remember the last time she had "eaten her spinach"
Me? I LOVE sex. It isn't spinach for me. It is like my favorite food. You bet that I remembered the last time if eaten it and how long it had been.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 27, 2018 9:11:59 GMT -5
Mine did not accept the truth laid out in front of her. She fought the idea that we had sex as little as we did, or that there was anything wrong with the lack of sex.
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Post by iceman on Sept 27, 2018 9:27:02 GMT -5
Weirdly, my wife thought that we hadn't had sex at all between her hysterectomy that was maybe 7 years ago and this past July. We did have starfish sex a few times a year up until the end of 2015. The point is, though - for refusers sex isn't important enough to remember. Sex isn’t important enough to remember, it’s not important enough to make time for it, not important enough to address medical issues she says is the partial cause of her lack of interest, not important enough to worry about the negative impact of no sex in marriage .... the list goes on .....
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 27, 2018 9:29:01 GMT -5
“Sex isn’t important enough to remember, it’s not important enough to make time for it, not important enough to address medical issues she says is the partial cause of her lack of interest, not important enough to worry about the negative impact of no sex in marriage .... the list goes on .....”
And sex isn’t important enough for many of the refused to divorce or outsource.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 9:53:17 GMT -5
And sex isn’t important enough for many of the refused to divorce or outsource. Nice line, but (in retrospect) I didn't outsource for sex. I outsourced for intimacy as well as to learn that there was nothing wrong with me. I outsourced to learn what I was missing in my marriage. My outsourcing did more for my self esteem than years of therapy. This might be a sexless marriage forum but sometimes we forget that it isn't only sex we are lacking.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Sept 27, 2018 10:04:59 GMT -5
When I’ve brought it up in the past, he hasn’t agreed or disagreed on the timetable, but stonewalled me. It’s his passive-aggressive way of punishing me for “attacking” him.
I’ve stopped bringing frequency up to him, so it’s ceased becoming an issue.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 27, 2018 10:27:50 GMT -5
My refuser would just say that we used to have sex "a lot." She had no idea, and didn't give a shit.
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Post by h on Sept 27, 2018 11:08:32 GMT -5
I just started really pushing the specifics of frequency in the last few months. She originally didn't realize how infrequently we had sex but now she is becoming more aware. It still hasn't made much of an impact on the frequency, but we both know how long it's been and we are both aware that the other knows how long it's been. That has created some noticable tension in our house.
Last night I was showing her a funny text from a family member and then she closed it. She commented on the fact that I had taken the picture of her off my screen background. I was honest and told her that it was too hard to look at every day. I didn't say any more, but she understood the implication that my difficulty was due to the length of time since we were last intimate. It was a quiet night from then until we went to sleep: her in bed and me on the couch. To clarify, we have been sleeping separately for a few days due to illness, not argument, but I think I may stay "sick" a few extra days. I'll get a few extra nights of decent sleep (not laying awake for hours until it's safe to handle my unmet needs) and maybe she'll miss me a little bit more. I may stay on the couch until she asks me to come back and then make her beg.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 27, 2018 11:25:54 GMT -5
Weirdly, my wife thought that we hadn't had sex at all between her hysterectomy that was maybe 7 years ago and this past July. We did have starfish sex a few times a year up until the end of 2015. The point is, though - for refusers sex isn't important enough to remember. Sex isn’t important enough to remember, it’s not important enough to make time for it, not important enough to address medical issues she says is the partial cause of her lack of interest, not important enough to worry about the negative impact of no sex in marriage .... the list goes on ..... Sex IS important enough to NOT remember, to NOT make time for it ,to NOT make it a worry or concern about the marriage. Precisely because the last thing they want to do, is to give up their control over you and all the other aspects of your marriage so they want to continue to ignore it. Once you have a fair say and the playing field is level that opens too many other doors, they are too afraid to go there.
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