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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 11:37:37 GMT -5
When I married my husband, it was to solidify our relationship we had been in for over two years. I married him because I loved him, and we were having sex or making love (there is a difference) at least two times a day. And then the SM started. We have now been married 10 years and our sex consists of him doing heavy foreplay and getting me excited, and then him rolling over to go to sleep, leaving me sexually frustrated. If I attempt to get things to go further, he tells me he has to go to work early and is too tired. I started thinking about what I asked of him when we got married. I had one request and that was that he love me, which I believe he does. I didn’t ask him to make love to me, despite him telling me before we got married that if I couldn’t keep up with him sexually, we were done. Now the shoe is in the other foot. Do I leave him because he is the one who can’t keep up with me sexually, or stay in a relationship because of love, and believing he deeply cares for me despite no sex? In reviewing what you stated, I believe we can be in love with someone (hook, line and sinker) and we can also love someone but not be in love with them. Do I stay in the SM and continue on and have a mister on the side for sex, or do I allow my sexual needs to dry up and continue to feel unwanted sexually? I watched the struggles my parents had after my father had three heart attacks and tried everything to get an erection (pills, shots, butt plugs, cockrings, etc.), along with counseling. I have tried to get my husband to consider a cockring or even therapy. One minute he admits he has an issue, and the next it’s suddenly my problem and not him. The part of this that disturbs me the most is the foreplay and getting you excited and then he stops. That is mean but people treat us the way we allow them to treat us and I would either tell him to knock it off when he touches me knowing that it’s not going anywhere OR I would passive aggressively finish myself off in a very loud manner and then shout out “Matthew McConneaghy” or whoever gets you off. Then I would start again and go for round two by myself! That is not cool what he does.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 11:23:07 GMT -5
I just bought this book last week. I like his perspective.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 10:04:01 GMT -5
I think acceptance of loving someone for who they are and how they show their love is key to staying. I have been with Mr Bballgirl for 29 years. We were married for 23 then we divorced and lived separately for 2 years. During those 2 years I learned about myself and what I wanted. I wanted my family together. I moved back to our home and today I’m not married and I’m not sexless. Divorce fixed a lot of financial problems we had. Mr Bballgirl is my best friend, he is who I want to go to the movies and dinner with. We still have young kids to take care of and enjoy activities with. I outsource with a great guy too, we are good friends and very sexually compatible, sex is so fun for us. So what I need for MYSELF I get from two different men and I’m happy.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 9:49:23 GMT -5
I do not need consent whether it’s implied or not.
If the spouse is not interested in YOUR sexuality then YOUR sexuality is none of their business.
Nobody has control of my body unless perhaps we are both naked!
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 9:45:52 GMT -5
Uggh maybe if she had sex you’d be nicer!
That’s an excuse I’m sure you were plenty nice. That’s a lame excuse. I would continue the talk and force her to make a choice of either she is wanting to have sex with you or you will find someone that does. Nobody gets married and plans to live as a monk or nun.
If she is not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of her business.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 9:37:05 GMT -5
missma2019Welcome and I’m glad you found this forum it will help. I agree and cannot add much more that hasn’t already been said it one thing that I do believe is if your H is not interested in your sexuality then YOUR sexuality is none of his business so if you feel the need to outsource in order to figure out what you want for yourself. Focus on yourself and what will make you happy!!
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2019 12:02:03 GMT -5
Hi, mypaintbrushes. Yes, not that MGTOW is directly relevant to you, but more an observation that socially and legally things have gotten weird to the point that a group like that even exists; the same dynamics are probably causing other guys to be more cautious / standoffish. Going back to your ex isn’t implausible. If you haven’t followed her story, bballgirl has been doing that successfully for a while now after a couple years apart. The separation and financial split changed their dynamic, and they live together with the kids but just as roommates. Yep, she is exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote my response. My soon to be ex is no longer abusive like he was – he has a girlfriend and spent the night at her house last night so he is getting all the supply he needs right now I believe – and he is receptive to staying in our lives. Our son has expressed an interest in eventually going to school at Berklee College of Music - he’s a gifted music producer. We are actually all three flying to Boston in a week and a half so he can take a weekend workshop there to get a taste of college. If he decides that’s what he wants to do and gets in, I’m going to need to figure out how he’s going to pay his tuition. Stuff like that comes to mind… What I’m doing is not typical or the norm but I’m happy. Nothing wrong with having a FWB and the ex as a roommate to make your life financially easier. If you aren’t married then you can do whatever makes your life easier and happier.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2019 18:20:07 GMT -5
Bballgirl’s no fireworks excuse: Not tonight honey I’m not feeling well... my back hurts, my knee hurts, I feel nauseous, etc.
Bballgirl’s fireworks answer: Yeah I don’t see that happening for us ever again, my cock is no longer interested in you or your breadcrumbs of a sex life.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2019 18:12:20 GMT -5
Wishing you a speedy recovery and sending positive thoughts and prayers that in One Week things go smoothly and you and ggold have many happy years together.
Hugs, Bballgirl
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 20:03:18 GMT -5
Amen to that! The problem will not solve itself and the refuser is content so why would they want anything to change. It’s up to us to make the change for ourselves. Good advice baza
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 18:19:55 GMT -5
Good for you sticking up for yourself and drawing your line in the sand. Nothing wrong with him getting rejected and a taste of his own medicine too. I wouldn’t give him a bj until he gives you orgasmic oral what’s fair is fair! Hugs
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 18:05:31 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you @casseopeia92 Some of what you write about I can relate to I had poor self image, co dependency issues, financial problems, bait and switch marriage, lazy husband, medical problems for my H, etc. you name it we had it and two young kids. I was in the perfect storm and married 23 years I pulled the plug on the marriage to heal myself and take care of myself. Divorced, dated, happy to be alone, we both grew and learned about ourselves and what we wanted especially me. I had also been outsourcing the last 2 years of my marriage and after the divorce I dated and decided that I didn’t want to date anyone, and I only wanted sex with the man I was outsourcing with. I wanted my exH back, I wanted my family back, all of our financial issues were gone as a result of the divorce. For me I would never find 100% of what I wanted in one man but I have a good 90% of what I want from 2 men and so staying and outsourcing turns out was the best choice for me. All that matters is that I’m happy but I created that happiness for myself. For me that meant not being married and not being sexless. Focus on yourself and figure out what will make YOU happy then go after it and don’t feel any guilt because it’s your sexuality and your life nobody has control of you or your body, unless it’s in the sheets!
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 18:03:54 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you @casseopeia92 Some of what you write about I can relate to I had poor self image, co dependency issues, financial problems, bait and switch marriage, lazy husband, medical problems for my H, etc. you name it we had it and two young kids. I was in the perfect storm and married 23 years I pulled the plug on the marriage to heal myself and take care of myself. Divorced, dated, happy to be alone, we both grew and learned about ourselves and what we wanted especially me. I had also been outsourcing the last 2 years of my marriage and after the divorce I dated and decided that I didn’t want to date anyone, and I only wanted sex with the man I was outsourcing with. I wanted my exH back, I wanted my family back, all of our financial issues were gone as a result of the divorce. For me I would never find 100% of what I wanted in one man but I have a good 90% of what I want from 2 men and so staying and outsourcing turns out was the best choice for me. All that matters is that I’m happy but I created that happiness for myself. For me that meant not being married and not being sexless. Focus on yourself and figure out what will make YOU happy then go after it and don’t feel any guilt because it’s your sexuality and your life nobody has control of you or your body, unless it’s in the sheets!
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2019 10:34:54 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss. Thank goodness you have each other and nobody was hurt. He is your home and you are his all that matters is that you are together! Wishing you all the best in this new beginning!
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 8, 2019 8:56:12 GMT -5
PS: bballgirl, You were a subject of conversation for us. This Symphony Hall is extremely tall. Balconies on top of balconies reaching to the sky. Our seats were on the floor, but we ran to the top balcony immediately upon arriving. We laughed about some of your early date stories where you'd be out with a guy that nearly had a coronary walking up the stands of a baseball game. Or the other guy that fell asleep in his recliner! We made the full run to the top without event! I’m smiling so big reading this and I’m so glad for both of you that you enjoyed a fun evening out together!
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