|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 19:34:07 GMT -5
Focus on yourself and have fun!
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 14:36:10 GMT -5
I can't speak for you or answer the question for anyone but myself. For me the difference was when I no longer desired my H sexually that is when I was no longer in love. As well I outsourced and I could not outsource if I was still in love. I love him more like a brother. You sound a bit like me. One way that I know for sure I don't love a man (in the romantic/sexual sense) is that I do not want to have sex with him. If I no longer want to be sexual with a man, that's bad news for him if he wants to keep me around. OTOH, if somebody I want would want me enough to make a commitment, I can be faithful and be a very good partner. Same here.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 12:13:33 GMT -5
In one of bballgirl 's always helpful responses, she asked me if I was still attracted to my H and if I was still in love with him. The first question was easy to answer - yes I still find him attractive. But the second one gave me pause. I responded by saying that I certainly still love H but that I no longer know how to distinguish between loving him and being in love with him. I wondered if it's even possible to still be in love with someone who does not desire you. As for me, I still desire sex and intimacy with him - is that the definition of being in love? I'm hoping all you smart people can help me out with some understandable distinctions between loving a spouse and being IN love with them because I just can't see it clearly anymore. Don't be one of those people that uses that old cliche "I love you but I am not in love with you" I think that statement is used by people to justify bad behavior. There is nothing wrong in admitting your love your spouse and most of us still do. One thing that happens is we get bogged down in the small stuff that way we don't have to look at the big picture. I said that cliche to my ex at the end. I guess it's more like "I love you but I don't desire you anymore because of years of rejection". I do still love my ex. It's sad that we weren't compatible. I think that falling in love is something that comes with trust and comfort and that's hard to come by nowadays.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 10:39:18 GMT -5
Hang in there! This is just crazy but proves that you are doing right to get away from her. Hopefully in a month after her deposition the facts will be revealed and you will get your fair share. Do you still have to go with the mediation? Can it be forced to a judge after the deposition? I'm only asking because a man I've gone out with told me his divorce took two and a half years and his wife was crazy. I'd hate to see things strung out another year for you.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 20, 2017 19:39:58 GMT -5
DanI'm sorry your feelings weren't acknowledged. That's wrong and selfish. Sometimes we have to accept the reality of the situation and not expect much. Put in our time and wait for parole. Hugs
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 20, 2017 15:57:28 GMT -5
Not at all. My life is happier now. We had a very bad marriage
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 20, 2017 15:56:17 GMT -5
I can't speak for you or answer the question for anyone but myself. For me the difference was when I no longer desired my H sexually that is when I was no longer in love. As well I outsourced and I could not outsource if I was still in love.
I love him more like a brother.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 20, 2017 8:21:42 GMT -5
Personality disorders tie in very strongly to the frequently used saying on here, " except for the sex, we have a great marriage, there a terrific mother or father great husband or wife". Then with a little probing the truth comes out. Doesn't it seem to tie in? Isn't that what comes into play with the SM, the personality disorder? Sure - but I would gather - the personality disorder or "all great bar the sex" actually lies with the refused. I agree with you there. Most women would not have stayed married to my H. Some would have left him year one. I had reason to. It was a lack of self confidence and being embarrassed that my H doesn't want to have sex with me that led to my self imprisonment. I recognize my role in the dysfunction of the marriage.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 21:53:15 GMT -5
hopingforachangeGood luck and I'm glad to hear the first session was a positive step in the right direction I wish you and your wife the best outcome and lots of sex during this process
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 21:39:51 GMT -5
I'm 34. There may not be many of us realizing how bad it is before 40, but I think this forum helps in recognizing it sooner. If I hadn't found it I would have gone on thinking I'm the only one and there's just something wrong with me. Turns out this is a "thing." Who knew? Yes it's a thing and it's 50/50 men/women. I did not find ILIASM until my 40's but it's never too late. The key is knowing that nothing is wrong with us.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 17:48:24 GMT -5
She has the marriage she wants but you don't. Is celibacy an option anymore for you. I would lay your cards on the table and sometimes people have to be scared straight. Me personally- I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want it with me, the way I want it. Marriage is about compromise and sex is part of marriage. What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. Maybe make that unilateral decision, of course I'm not serious though. However and this is just me - I'd lay my cards on the table and tell her "you better start fucking enthusiastically at least once a week or this marriage is over". Perfectly stated. I have been the sole breadwinner for seven years in a stressful higher-end job but as you might expect stress=good pay. If I just went home today and said, "I decided to quit, too much stress and I don't really like stress." no one would consider that an appropriate relationship decision. She hears you but either doesn't care or just can't make herself care enough. I came to the conclusion with my spouse that she cared but it would be like her asking me to be taller. She can want it all she wants but I can't grow another inch of height. I can want her to want to have passionate, spontaneous sex but it's just not there. I think they care and deep down they know they are wrong but on one hand we enable their poor behavior and on the other hand they are not capable of being intimate the way we would like. It's a very sad situation and mentally and emotionally draining. I understand it's tough.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 17:42:37 GMT -5
I am actually ready to pull the string and get a divorce. I have already spoken with a lawyer my buddy recommended. I guess the central question was answered. I'm ready to exit while she is still talking about future things (yeh, they all benefit her).....and both of us working off of the same shared info. Crazy. You're right. She still has the life she wants and somehow weirdly expects it to be the life I am okay with going forward. Go after the life you want for yourself. We are all humans given one life on this Earth. Nobody should be neglected, abused, or taken for granted. The thing is the refusers know they are making the wrong choice but the longer we let them get away with it the behavior repeats and they feel there will never be consequences. It's like a teacher (us) in a classroom and she knows a student is copying work and cheating but the teacher puts an A on the paper or even a B and of course the student will continue not to study and to cheat.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 11:23:31 GMT -5
She has the marriage she wants but you don't. Is celibacy an option anymore for you. I would lay your cards on the table and sometimes people have to be scared straight. Me personally- I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want it with me, the way I want it. Marriage is about compromise and sex is part of marriage. What if you decided that you no longer feel like working at your job and you'd rather live in a smaller house with a more modest lifestyle. Maybe make that unilateral decision, of course I'm not serious though. However and this is just me - I'd lay my cards on the table and tell her "you better start fucking enthusiastically at least once a week or this marriage is over".
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 9:34:13 GMT -5
Lonely was being in the same house, room, at a restaurant with my H but there was a disconnect. There was no communication unless it was what he cared about. At a restaurant he'd be on his phone, I made it a point not to have my phone out. I wasn't alone but I was lonely. Now I'm alone/single but I'm not lonely.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 18, 2017 11:53:44 GMT -5
Even with good intentions of finding a boyfriend it usually doesn't go past 1-2 meet ups. It does sound a little disingenuous and a lot of times men will talk and chat online and ask "what are you looking for?". I believe in honesty. I'm always honest with them before I meet them. Last guy that asked me out for coffee this past Friday morning- I cancelled, I just don't feel a connection. Do what you are comfortable with and who knows you may meet a man you want to meet again.
|
|