mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 18:43:33 GMT -5
No, I don't want to live like this. I don't want my life to keep getting smaller and my self being more and more diminshed.
Went to a jazz concert this evening with a friend and noticed some positive male glances 🙂Not that I have any interest in another relationship right now! I realise that I need to get my head in the right place. I thought it was after a long period of therapy and yet I still chose my abusive relationship.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 10:02:20 GMT -5
I'm at acceptance too but its my second time through a sexless marriage (well I didn't marry my now ex but we lived together for almost four years). Pleased for you worksforme2
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 9:59:47 GMT -5
Its great when someone stands on your side.😀
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 9:57:11 GMT -5
I hadn't considered things from that perspective northstar. I genuinely never meant to imply anything about anyone else here. Anyway, rather than whining on I got out of bed today, got dressed, made up (my ex hated make up and told me people who wear it are stupid and shallow ) and I went out. I didn't cancel the tutorial that I have this afternoon because it is the only tiny income I have right now. So I prepared for that. I have read and reread the stuff that you have posted and have looked up local services. I have an appointment with my GP next week. I have made plans with friends for the weekend. I even applied for two jobs yesterday. Well below my professional level, but I just want something easier and to earn some money. If I get either of them they may lead to progress of a plan I have in the back of my mind. One foot in front of another.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 9:49:20 GMT -5
"What a f***ing stupid, crazy person I am." You made a mistake. Get in line behind everyone else on the board. Every other human, in fact. Keep your chin up. You sound like a good catch for someone. Just not this bozo. Thank you. You made me smile.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 5:38:49 GMT -5
I am so ashamed that I got involved with and stayed with another abusive man.
He was using sex as a hook. When I moved back in it became 'starfish' sex with me basically servicing him. I justified it in my mind because he has major depressive disorder and Asperger's. Very quickly even that stopped. I tried to be pro-active - God, you all know the routine. I tried to discuss it, I told him how I was feeling, I made suggestions. You all know the responses. Nothing. A shrug of the shoulders.
This is going to sound even more ridiculous. The guy tells me he is a world class mathematician. This was true twenty years ago. I have seen the proof. He tells me he is the best mathematician in his department (a global top ten ranked maths department in one of the best universities in the world.) But he has not published anything for over 10 years. He is still a basic grade lecturer after twenty years. He is on a performance improvement plan. He tells me this is because he is so brilliant he won't play the game and his colleagues are all idiots publishing rubbish.
Why is this relevant? Because I was not just blown away by good sex at the beginning, but I got this ridiculous, self serving, stupid idea that he really is a genius and so is allowed to be eccentric. That's right. Instead of seeing the guy as he actually is - an abusive asshole, I saw a difficult genius. I thought that I was playing the role of 'handmaid' to his genius. I was actually playing victim to his narcissistic fantasies.
What a f***ing stupid, crazy person I am. I just want to scrub the whole thing out of my memory and my life.
Oh good. It looks like I have hit the angry stage. Its an improvement on despair.
If anyone has made it this far without clicking off in disgust and disbelief thank you for reading.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 5, 2017 11:07:13 GMT -5
I am going to look for some local support, but because he never hit me I don't know whether I can. I can't stop crying and haven't slept at all. I have locked myself in the bedroom and have stayed in bed but he is out anyway. I don't know if I'll ever get out again. I cancelled an appointment I had this afternoon because I couldn't face it. This morning he started behaving as if nothing was wrong but I didn't look at him and made the briefest reply when he spoke.
Its just so repetitive and I cry everytime I look at my cat because I can't take her with me into a rental.
I just want it all to end.
Sorry.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 23:06:14 GMT -5
I really need to hear what you are saying.
I keep swinging between feeling that I will be OK and then outright despair and fear of what's ahead.
This will be my fifth house move in four years.
I have already requested the details of several possible rentals - tiny studio flats, but at least they are furnished and affordable.
I've also looked at some employment agencies.
I still can't believe that I let him treat me like that for almost four years. I actually left once for several months and then moved back. How stupid can I be?
The sex got worse and worse, presumably as he got more confident that I was hooked. I didn't know we were having starfish sex until I read another thread - and that was it exactly! Me working harder and harder everytime.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 20:35:44 GMT -5
Thank you so much northstar.
I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either.
I was reading another thread and was going to post about my ex's behaviour there but I think its probably better here.
(Hey darktippedrose) my ex told me frequently that I had memory problems and that I was obviously not as bright as I was when younger (I am highly qualified and had done well in lots of areas until recently). He attributed my apparent slowness to ill health, the prescribed drugs that I take and the long term effects of abuse from my family. I attribute it to exhaustion and ongoing emotional abuse. He never let me finish a sentence, interrupted frequently, changed subjects mid discussion and often told me to my face that he wasn't listening. It was so embarassing because he would do all of those things in front of other people and topped it off with finger wagging and grabbing my hands and squeezing them. Twice he put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. I was mortified. I put all of those things down to his Aspergers - but it is still abusive. Oh God, the more I write this stuff down the more clear it is that he is an abuser.
In a weird way he has set me free because part of the reason I stayed was financial dependence and fear of homelessness. How horrible is that? Maybe I am no better than he is.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 19:56:31 GMT -5
Thank you for your posts.
I have just come back to bed after spending an hour on the bathroom floor sitting staring at the pills that would finish it all.
The Drs restrict the number of antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain pills I have because of my last serious attempt. They don't seem to realise that the drugs for my heart condition are far more lethal and I have several hundreds of those.
Why am I back upstairs without the pills? Because I have a 28 year old son whose life I have already fucked up more than enough.
ironhamster - I totally get 'not wanting to make mess'. Every plan I ever make involves minimising mess and trauma for others, although I often think about the car too. The risk of involving others keeps the car on the road though.
The truth is that a large part of why I stayed so long was because I was worried about being homeless as well as jobless. When I told him today that when I leave I am never coming back he looked me straight in the eye, smirking and said 'You said that last time.' He is going to be surprised when I block all contact once I am out of the house. The reason I went back last time was the intense sexual attraction - well now we are sexless that is also dead in the water.
I may be rambling because of the drugs I have taken to try and sleep so I am sorry.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 7:35:49 GMT -5
Thanks JMX. I'm just so tired. I was made redundant a couple of months ago and my Dad is terminally ill. I juts can't believe how much shittier my life keeps getting. And its so hard with 'Mr Aspie'. Whenever we discuss anything serious he immediately starts saying that I am being diificult or weird (talk about projection). If I don't stop talking he then tells me to leave and find another home. If it is about money - which it has been recently then he says 'I have plenty of money. Its you that should be worried. I feel sorry for you. You have really fucked things up. You shouldn't have left your husband - now you have nothing.' Then I get the silent treatment for hours. Its just ...cruel. I have nowhere else to go as I don't have an income and my savings are nowhere near enough to buy anything. At the moment I wish I were dead. And that isn't an exaggeration. I have just had enough and see no end to the shit, just see it getting worse asI am getting older, poorer amd sicker.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 8:42:32 GMT -5
Northstarmom - I find your posts interesting and helpful to read and will think about them carefully. I have a long history of having been emotionally and physically abused since childhood and have been sexually assaulted a couple of times as an adult - including being raped by my first husband. My second husband was lovely and very caring but asexual. hopingforchange - His antidepressant was increased by 50% after another major depressive breakdown in March. Stupid me, I hadn't thought about that! The AD he takes is well known to cause ED but it works for him and as he rapidly becomes actively suicidal I am very, very, reluctant to suggest medication change. He did mention Viagra to me a few months ago though.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 6:25:36 GMT -5
Just remembered that the maths don't add up because I split up with my guy last year after we'd been together a couple of years. I moved out but within 6 months we were living together again. We have bought a house together and I have now met his family. So we got back together June 2016 and we haven't had sex since February this year.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 6:18:46 GMT -5
Yes it is the same guy Baza. And it it has been 8 months of nothing but cuddles, kisses and stroking - not sure why the 'maths don't add up'. I'm still here because I really do love the guy and the affection is lovely and the sex was great. Having jumped once it is harder (for all kinds of reasons) to jump again. I listen to my (mainly single) girlfriends of a similar age talking about how hard it is to find any man who is decent, kind and loving and think - you know what - maybe I have to accept 'good enough' and give up on perfect. As I sit here typing this my guy is stroking my naked leg and leaning over to kiss me (on the mouth) every so often. We fall asleep in each other's arms every night - things that never happened in my marriage.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Sept 30, 2017 2:59:47 GMT -5
Call it karma, call it bad luck, call it my fault but after leaving my (now ex) husband after 15 years of a sexless marriage here I am living with the love of my life and we haven't had sex for 8 months. Lots of cuddling, kissing and stroking but no sex. I have talked very frankly to him but he just says he doesn't feel like it. I am (almost) back to where I was after all of the pain (emotional, practical and financial) of breaking up my marriage. Ot just seems - poetic - and as if I have been running from what is actually my destiny: a sexless relationship.
|
|