mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Nov 4, 2017 16:22:20 GMT -5
HUGS and STRENGTH to you! You will get through this. I recently left my situation too. I also know the shitty feeling of not being able to afford a place (moved in with my parents) but I will say I am happier here then I ever was in that abusive atmosphere. I’ll be cheering you on! Many well wishes to you! Nov 4 2017 Northstarmom said:Let us know how things continue to go for you. Lots of support and empathy for you here. Thank you both. Tori, hugs and strength to you too. We can do this! xx
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Nov 4, 2017 6:11:04 GMT -5
That book is now on my must read list,
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Nov 4, 2017 5:14:04 GMT -5
I moved out yesterday, although there are still a few things which I need to collect. My ex husband (who has remained a very good friend, but whom I divorced because he was a refuser for 15 years) has allowed me to stay until I have somewhere else and/or have sorted out the rest of my life. I have a very nice bedroom (which I have furnished) and my cat has also been able to come with me, It was a blessing that he did because I although I do have capital it is not enough to buy anywhere to live and I can't find anywhere to rent because you have to be employed to rent through a letting agency in the UK. It is possible to find a private landlord who will take six months up front, but they are often bad landlords in many ways. I was starting to look at park homes (called trailer homes in the US). Which is a step above a bedsit in my mind. (I apologise to anyone who lives in one, but you know the stereotypes as well as I do.) My tutoring business is improving and I took another student on this week, so my income is increasing, albeit slowly. So the practical stuff is under control. The emotional stuff is potentially a minefield however as my ex husband was broken hearted when I left and has been very lonely on his own. So....... I am going no contact once I have all of my belongings as my ex is already playing the big, sad, puppy dog eyes and saying that he didn't cope last time while at the same time refusing my suggestion of hiring a cleaner and a gardener. I am also getting pressure from his mother to stay with him. I start attending CODA (co-dependency) meetings tomorrow so I'll see if they are the right place. The DV support doesn't feel right to me because he wasn't physically abusive and the emotional abuse doesn't 'feel' serious enough. IYSWIM. My Dad's funeral was OK. I had a feeling of unreality throughout which I am used to. He was abusive too so I'm not grieving a close, positive relationship. In fact I was very uncomfortable listening to the various eulogies. I didn't recognise a lot of it. I guess that is very common though.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 14:19:16 GMT -5
I saw a therapist for several years and made progress but was then badly retraumatised a couple of years later and couldn't afford to go back to therapy. In the UK there is almost no help apart from crisis intervention unless you can pay privately. I've been especially vulnerable because of situational factors and lost some of my hard won resilience. I am back on the way up I hope once current events have settled i.e. my Dad's funeral over and my move out completed. Precious psychiatrists and therapists have said that I am a 'super coper' amd have incredible resilience. I hold onto that assessment even though I have some very bad periods.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 7:20:12 GMT -5
Hard to live with? I'm glad to see that since he is your ex, it was impossible to live with. Whether or not his behavior was due to asd, you did not need to stay and keep taking such treatment. I was raised in an abusive family and have serious problems with trauma bonding. A trauma bond can make it hard to leave even the most abusive relationships. You may already know about trauma bonding but here are a couple of links in case you want to follow up. www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html A simple, brief introduction did-research.org/origin/d-attachment/traumatic_bonding.html More detailed and fully referenced.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 4:47:18 GMT -5
I am fortunate to have a good job, but I know anything and everything can be taken away at any time... I hope you find the peace and caring you deserve. Thank you. I also had a good job, but ill health meant that I went part time, and the absences caused by my ill health meant that I was first choice for redundancy. I know that is illegal, but employers have ways of making things go the way they want. I still have my qualifications, skills and experience and am working on developing my own tutoring business. I'll never make the kind of money I did in my last job but its better than most of the alternatives. It is also more flexible and easier on my health.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 23, 2017 4:41:02 GMT -5
What disturbs me most is a person who, in times of crisis, think only of themselves. My wife and I call it: "The George Costanza Syndrome (Seinfeld)," where George pushes a bunch of little kids out of his way to flee a burning building. It's just not what a normal compassionate person does. People tend to stand together in times like that, sometimes risking life and limb to help strangers. That is what my ex does. He left a knife in our hand luggage when packing for a trip. Going through airport security it was picked up. He was standing at the counter while I was putting my shoes back on. He immediately said 'Its not mine. Its her's!' pointing at me at the same time as walking quickly away. He also lets doors slam in my face (and other people's) I put it down to his ASD but it was hard to live with.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 11:34:48 GMT -5
The same thing happened with my ex husband. When he knew that I was leaving he begged for another chance, but the thought of any sexual contact with him repulses me. My understanding is that it is a normal consequence after 15 years of no intimacy.
We are still very good friends though and I know he wants me back - not sexually, just as his companion. He gives me a hug sometimes and there is absolutely nothing for me. It is like hugging my brother.
On the other hand I am just breaking up with an emotionally abusive partner after 4 years and despite his abusive treatment of me I crave him like a drug.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 11:29:53 GMT -5
My ex was super cuddly. Skin to skin, kissing, stroking but, as I posted on my other thread for months and months it never went anywhere. I used to cry (alone of course) with frustration (and this is after leaving my ex husband as we were totally sexless and I lost any sexual interest him) My ex is also emotionally abusive (also detailed on my other thread) but I am still in lust with him - even though he has abused me for years and refused me for months. So I know what those moments feel like and they are magical (even with someone who has hurt you over and over, and over again.)
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 8:10:46 GMT -5
Thanks miles. Its hard to be grieving so much at the same time: my Dad, my relationship, my home and my job. Yes, 'redundant' is a horrible term and it does reinforce that sense of being no longer useful. I am enjoying tutoring though and do get a sense of achievement working with my students - they are much younger (8-10 years old) than I am used to. They are funny, quick, lively and I come away feeling alive - as well as having earned some money! I'm still at the stage of not making a lot of profit though because there was initial outlay on materials for this age group, but as the time goes on it will pick up. My ex shows no sign of physical aggression, although his strange behaviour continues. I am spending most of my time outside the house or in my bedroom with the door closed. I also have a door wedge in case I do need to keep him out (there is no lock) and always have my phone and charger with me. I really appreciate your concern but I should be fine.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 2:34:41 GMT -5
What kept running through my head that Monday morning is that now I know for sure who gives a damn - and it was scary to realize how lonely that feeling was. Hi mypaintbrushes, I am going through something similar - finally understanding how little my ex cares for me and what disrespect he has for me. It is heartbreaking and I have cried, panicked and felt hopeless. I am still only a couple of weeks in to the break up. I knew how bad things were but fear of losing my home and having a low income (I worked part time and was recently made redundant) kept me in the house. I told friends that if I had the money I would not be with my ex. Horrible in many ways. Anyway I had the choice removed as my ex told me to leave and I realised that actually he was right. It is rotten and destructive to be with someone who treats you like that. So I feel for you.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 21, 2017 19:21:58 GMT -5
Thank you both. My Dad died last Saturday (14th) but had been very ill for several years and was suffering a lot. He was also in his 80s and we had a complicated/distant relationship. So although I am grieving, and he was my Dad, its not a sudden or 'tragic' death which makes it easier for me to bear. My Mum is heartbroken so I am calling her everyday - she lives 150 miles away - and doing what I can from this distance. It is amazing to me what people can survive. I don't want to sound too far up my own a** but I sometimes think about the people who went through the forced marches and the camps during the Holocaust. Compared to that I am still in paradise. Apologies for any virtue signalling in that statement 🗣
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 21, 2017 19:04:55 GMT -5
We don't share any accounts and I hide my car keys, purse and important legal/financial documents. I am moving into a friend's spare room very soon - she has been brilliant and I can even take my cat! He has said we need to talk, but not until he has gone through his bank statements and then he asked me where they were! (He is totally disorganised) I told him that they are either in the folder that I filed them away in or where-ever he has left them. My ex is desperate to find out where I am going and questions me everyday. Today he asked if I was ashamed of where I was going or if I was worried that he would pursue me. I replied that he has no right to know where I am going and asked him why he wanted to know? He stormed out of the house. Today I took delivery of some furniture at my friend's house, measured up for curtains and I also got another student for private tuition - yay! I am still fighting the urge to stay in bed all day everyday and to be honest am spending a lot of time in bed, but I am getting up for appointments and getting things done. My Dad's funeral is on Monday 30th. Still bursting into floods of tears frequently but am definitely on the way through this tunnel. Part of the reason for that is listening to you guys and the 'tough (ish) love' post from Northstarmom. 👍
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 17, 2017 2:19:57 GMT -5
Just checking in. The money is proving to be the most difficult. It makes me mad that he has so much and won't pay me back. But you are right Northstarmom, he is using it as a control. It is driving him crazy that I won't give him my new address which I move into soon. He said he needs to know so that he knows I really do have somewhere because according to him I am crazy and a liar. I told him that he has no right to know anything about my plans other than that I am leaving.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 9, 2017 9:26:15 GMT -5
A close friend has offered me a room while I get myself sorted out. I just need to wrestle all of the money that he owes me out of his tight fist. Or start selling the furniture I bought out from under him. I have managed to go to the tuition students that I have - its a tiny income but a start. I have got up everyday and gone out. Babysteps.
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