mathdoll
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 14, 2016 11:44:00 GMT -5
I know that he doesn't give a fuck......but this also seems to be part of Asperger's.....he just doesn't 'get it'. But then neither do I ?
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 12, 2016 13:43:38 GMT -5
She is probably lonely, broke or depressed and thinks that you will plug the gap until she feels better. This is exactly the problem: she might be all interested in him "plugging her gap" now... but where has her gap been for the past 20 years? Answer: not being plugged! You made me laugh for the first time in days!
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 12, 2016 12:03:26 GMT -5
I agree. You have known her for 7 years and people don't change that quickly. She is probably lonely, broke or depressed and thinks that you will plug the gap until she feels better.....Sorry.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 12, 2016 11:30:19 GMT -5
I posted about this somewhere just a few minutes ago - I am a very undemanding girlfriend or wife. I don't ask for much. In a way, that's bad, because I have trouble asking for things when I really need them. But so many men complain about their wives being demanding, wanting money/a bigger house/kids/constant attention, etc. And I have asked the men in my life for so little. Sometimes I want to talk to those demanding women whose husbands still put up with that, and ask them, "How do you do it? How do you manage to give him so little and get him to give you so much?" Because I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I've loved someone who neglected me. Wow. I can relate to this. I gave my XH and current (X?) SO everything. I have two other men in my life who are both pursuing me. I am not interested in either and I behave like a bitch but they keep coming back! I have a problem with being attracted to unavailable men and it seems that they have the same problem with unavailable women.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 12, 2016 11:18:32 GMT -5
I don't even know where to start. This is a train wreck. Move on and get counseling to find out why you feel you are physically dying when an intimacy averse user breaks up with you. Thanks. (Weak smile) I have had 7 years of psychotherapy and a lifetime of studying human behaviour (including postgraduate qualifications in psychology). I know what is going on with me: a lifetime of abuse, major depressive disorder and borderline personality/ Aspie traits. I've been through and am still going through a lot. Believe it or not my psychiatrist recently congratulated me on still being alive given my history and serious suicide attempts! I also have a professional job, run my own home etc, etc... What I can't get my head around is what is going on with my SO. I also need to be around others who are suffering similar stuff and who might be more objective and less judgemental. 'Intimacy averse user'? Wow that's harsh! Maybe that's what I need to see and not the sweet, gentle, lost boy in my head....
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:30:09 GMT -5
FWAB? Friends with almost benefits...? Am I being used? But I know the score? Am I an idiot for hoping that it will change?
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:24:04 GMT -5
Wow. The Aspie suggestion makes sense. I had read about sensitivity to certain types of touching, certain textures and being overwhelmed. I also read about sexual obsession and a link with some perversions but had never considered a lack of desire. Doing some research has shown me that there is a link, but he started off quite active. However he has never been really passionate, always been very conservative, takes a long time to arouse and is frequently anorgasmic. But he was a great lover: gentle, thoughtful, reciprocal and lasted a longtime!
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:03:40 GMT -5
I told my SO that I really missed making love. He replied that we're not in 'that sort of relationship'. He tells me he loves me, holds my hand at every opportunity, strokes, cuddles and kisses me whenever he can (just doesn't kiss me on the mouth). He says he's not looking for anyone else but admits (under pressure from me) that it could happen.
This is breaking my heart. I mean, I've been married and had other relationships but have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about him. When he first broke up with me I was in physical pain, short of breath, nauseated and cried for hours. Then he emailed saying that he was missing me and wanting to see me.
In another thread I mentioned that my SO has Asperger's and probably schizoid personality disorder. He has said that he is almost completely dependent on me, that I saved him from oblivion and that he wants me in his life. I am also the only person (and I mean literally) that he speaks to outside supervising his students and work related meetings.
I think that I am going mad. He spoons and holds me so tight when we are in bed. He kisses my bare shoulder and strokes my back and buttocks.....??
Can anyone relate? Is this a sexless relationship or not a relationship at all?
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 9:10:57 GMT -5
It made me wonder if control issues are common among refusers. Looking through many of the stories here, it seems like a large percentage of refusers have control issues beyond the sexual ones. I also wonder if a lot of them are/were skilled at hiding those control issues. .......... Maybe it seems obvious that a person willing to hurt their partner by withholding sex has control issues, but I always thought it was an intimacy issue, not a control one. This is true of my XH. It was only after my divorce that others told me how controlling they perceived him to be.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 9:06:59 GMT -5
What great advice. I love the simplicity and clarity of it. Thank you.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 14:32:13 GMT -5
My XH said 'Am I expected to perform?' when I booked a hotel for the weekend. He also told me that I looked ridiculous in sexy underwear. He would ignore me, laugh at me or get angry. It was difficult to predict but I always knew it would include no. As others have commented he seemed to think that providing everything but sex was fine. Although I'm now in another sexless relationship I still get a lot of attention outside it And my XH takes me out dinner and makes puppy eyes ..........
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 11:48:53 GMT -5
I grew up with parents who denied my feelings and refuted memories that I had of events. They still do. Some of these denials are trivial, some are serious, but all are terribly damaging. It took me a long time and 7 years in psychotherapy to recover a sense of integrity and validity. If you feel ugly and non sexual then that it is true. That is how you feel and it is important to respect this. Perhaps what some mean when they contradict you is that your feelings can change rather than implying that what you say is not true. I'm sorry you had this type of childhood too. It does terrible damage. Add beatings and mental cruelty (I suffered both as a child), then experience it again (without the beatings, and in a passive aggressive form) in your adult life ... well who could walk into old age without being scathed and feeling unloved and unwanted. Apart from all the baggage I'm lugging around, I'm pretty strong...and so far resilient, but it has killed off some brain cells with the prolonged stress. I hope you have found some peace. Yes, I was physically abused as a child until the age of 18. I then married a physically and emotionally abusive man, got divorced and married my second husband who was controlling and a sexual refuser. The outcome for me has been different although I know that my intellect isn't what it was. I'm sorry that you went through it too.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 5:41:43 GMT -5
I grew up with parents who denied my feelings and refuted memories that I had of events. They still do. Some of these denials are trivial, some are serious, but all are terribly damaging. It took me a long time and 7 years in psychotherapy to recover a sense of integrity and validity. If you feel ugly and non sexual then that it is true. That is how you feel and it is important to respect this. Perhaps what some mean when they contradict you is that your feelings can change rather than implying that what you say is not true.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 8, 2016 4:39:08 GMT -5
The idea of staying at your own place is a great one I think. I made my move as a transition rather than a big 'move day'. It took two weeks and that was with a professional removal for big stuff on one day and then my own back and forths. I have some serious health issues that restrict my physical activity and I get tired easily too. You will soon be in your own place!
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 8, 2016 4:33:50 GMT -5
I don't think that it's contradictory, it's about balance. I am willing to accept my share of the situation. I have my own history and problems - including Aspie traits and a habit of avoidance!
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