lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Dec 17, 2022 20:01:29 GMT -5
Sooo…things have been going super well in general. Was intimate two days in a row last weekend ( my birthday and the next day was his idea!).
What bothers me is that when we have a “ normal” marital disagreement ( like tonight) I immediately fear the worst…that we will revert back to a SM state.
I don’t like feeling this way. When he is upset, like tonight, over a disagreement that started when we were at the grocery store , he will pull this act of not bring hungry and not eating. Which he did tonight after previously having offered to cook burgers for us. To his credit he did ask if I wanted him to make one for me, which I declined. The not knowing what set off the SM issues last time is the worst because I’m so afraid of its return. That’s where I’m at tonight folks, just checking in with an update.
Also on the menu here is a conversation I had to have with him a few days ago. I will admit that when things were bad between us I snooped in his wallet. I found a scrap of paper with what appeared to be a user name. City and phone number. Mind you this was about a year ago. I tried calling the phone number and it just went to an anonymous VM.
I then took a picture of the piece of paper and the. Destroyed it. He never mentioned it as being missing from his wallet. Going through the photos on my iPhone I once again came across the number. I then ( just recently, like in the past week) decided to google it. Well, lo and behold it came back as the number of an escort ….redhead ( his penchant) and 23 years old. The ads were from 2020. I sat on my knowledge as long as I could, I was trying my damndest to just let it go…but I did end up confronting him with the photo. He admitted it was his writing g and claimed to not remember it. I then Showed him the ads… he tried to claim it was from 10 years ago….this would be before we met. I quickly told him no. The ads were from 2020 and she’s 23 . Ten years ago she would’ve been 13.
He then admitted that they “ may have” been from when we were going through the difficult period in our marriage.
He firmly denies ever sleeping with anyone since we’ve been married. I want to believe this. Im choosing to believe this. I made an appointment ( just me) with our marriage counselor and he applauded the way I handled the situation. It still creeps into my mind now and then.
Marriage is work.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Dec 20, 2022 5:50:55 GMT -5
...The not knowing what set off the SM issues last time is the worst because I’m so afraid of its return. That’s where I’m at tonight folks, ... That wariness lasted 2 1/2 years for me. Don't know why Mrs. MirrorOrchid reset. I was sure she would revert. Faith takes time. What you are going through and what I went through, may be normal. I hear that foster kids that were in poorly run households will hide food in their bedrooms out of habit even if a full frig is just a few steps away. Same thing. You can't switch on a dime when essential needs go unmet. Fixing teh problem doesn't fix the past fear. I hate to call it "trauma", but...it does walk like a duck. Call it "baggage"... but it acts a lot like trauma. It just does. As for the escort? Yeah, he slept with her. "he applauded the way I handled the situation."
As in, the way you cornered him like a rat? (To which, I would agree) Or in seeing a therapist? (WTF, dude?) Hey, look, things are going well for you lately? I'm gonna let the knucklehead think he weathered this storm. He owes you some burgers, though. Not just grilled either: |
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on Dec 20, 2022 12:42:20 GMT -5
"Marriage is work."
No truer words were ever spoken. Most of us go into it thinking it's going to be all sunshine and draft beer.
|
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Dec 20, 2022 15:00:12 GMT -5
Sooo…things have been going super well in general. Was intimate two days in a row last weekend ( my birthday and the next day was his idea!). What bothers me is that when we have a “ normal” marital disagreement ( like tonight) I immediately fear the worst…that we will revert back to a SM state. I don’t like feeling this way. When he is upset, like tonight, over a disagreement that started when we were at the grocery store , he will pull this act of not bring hungry and not eating. Which he did tonight after previously having offered to cook burgers for us. To his credit he did ask if I wanted him to make one for me, which I declined. The not knowing what set off the SM issues last time is the worst because I’m so afraid of its return. That’s where I’m at tonight folks, just checking in with an update. Also on the menu here is a conversation I had to have with him a few days ago. I will admit that when things were bad between us I snooped in his wallet. I found a scrap of paper with what appeared to be a user name. City and phone number. Mind you this was about a year ago. I tried calling the phone number and it just went to an anonymous VM. I then took a picture of the piece of paper and the. Destroyed it. He never mentioned it as being missing from his wallet. Going through the photos on my iPhone I once again came across the number. I then ( just recently, like in the past week) decided to google it. Well, lo and behold it came back as the number of an escort ….redhead ( his penchant) and 23 years old. The ads were from 2020. I sat on my knowledge as long as I could, I was trying my damndest to just let it go…but I did end up confronting him with the photo. He admitted it was his writing g and claimed to not remember it. I then Showed him the ads… he tried to claim it was from 10 years ago….this would be before we met. I quickly told him no. The ads were from 2020 and she’s 23 . Ten years ago she would’ve been 13. He then admitted that they “ may have” been from when we were going through the difficult period in our marriage. He firmly denies ever sleeping with anyone since we’ve been married. I want to believe this. Im choosing to believe this. I made an appointment ( just me) with our marriage counselor and he applauded the way I handled the situation. It still creeps into my mind now and then. Marriage is work. Good to hear from you, Lanie! While I'm glad you find yourself in an improved spot, I will still show no mercy on your former refuser. I'm sure you have deduced that the root of your previous drought was caused by his cheating on you. Sorry, but a man doesn't forget who he "might have" slept with unless he is sleeping with a LOT of people, and he certainly doesn't forget what decade it "might have been" in. The fact that this subject was 13 at the time? And even assuming he didn't do anything with her, the fact that he was checking into her is disgusting. And he was still clinging to it after all this time. That isn't "work" that can be expected in your average marriage, or even a SM. Now you've found him out in a very dark place that goes beyond a SM. I'm sure I'm not telling you things you haven't been mulling, but damn...when the BEST case scenario here is that he was cheating with at least someone of age.... |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Dec 21, 2022 5:50:12 GMT -5
I'm sure you have deduced that the root of your previous drought was caused by his cheating on you. Sorry, but a man doesn't forget who he "might have" slept with unless he is sleeping with a LOT of people, and he certainly doesn't forget what decade it "might have been" in. The fact that this subject was 13 at the time? And even assuming he didn't do anything with her, the fact that he was checking into her is disgusting. And he was still clinging to it after all this time. That isn't "work" that can be expected in your average marriage, or even a SM. Now you've found him out in a very dark place that goes beyond a SM. I'm sure I'm not telling you things you haven't been mulling, but damn...when the BEST case scenario here is that he was cheating with at least someone of age.... See, this is a real problem with the "benefit of the doubt." Here I'm assuming all of it was lies concocted on the spot trying to weasel his way out of common bad behavior and, instead... You float the idea that he was accidentally telling the truth. A pedophile?! Sweet Jesus. See, I'd dismiss such a thing except another ILIASM member found out that was exactly the case. My usual dismissals of such suspicions as "too much TV sensationalist fear-fueled clickbait of exceptionally rare events that basically never happen, thus, they are 'news'..." are sometimes off the mark. |
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Dec 21, 2022 9:54:02 GMT -5
See, this is a real problem with the "benefit of the doubt." Here I'm assuming all of it was lies concocted on the spot trying to weasel his way out of common bad behavior and, instead... You float the idea that he was accidentally telling the truth. A pedophile?! Sweet Jesus. See, I'd dismiss such a thing except another ILIASM member found out that was exactly the case. My usual dismissals of such suspicions as "too much TV sensationalist fear-fueled clickbait of exceptionally rare events that basically never happen, thus, they are 'news'..." are sometimes off the mark. It still could be either, but then again, he is 30 years her senior. I'm instantly quite concerned you're on to something, DZ. Thank you for your perspective. Even if Mr. sweetplumeria is in the clear, I gotta remember the dark side is real. You could very well be right. He might have panicked and just threw it out of the decade to clear his relationship timeline without doing the math. Or, like you said, he was accidentally telling the truth. A lie means he was cheating within the relationship (best case). I don't think anyone here would believe HIS story that he carried around an escort's contact info for (allegedly) over a decade without meeting her. And then he walks it back by saying it might have been during their "difficult period"...which was a period that was difficult because of whatever shady shit he was doing. |
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Dec 22, 2022 16:26:39 GMT -5
I in no way, shape or form was accusing him of being a pedophile. Only that it was a 23 year old that posted the ad in 2020, therefore the number wasn’t a decade old. I also know this from snooping. It wasn’t there previously.
I did some searching of our old phone bills, and there is only one call to that number for 1 minute and it was made by me when I first found the number.
I’m good with where we are now. We went through what we went through, the end result was a stronger and better relationship.
|
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Dec 22, 2022 17:00:29 GMT -5
“"he applauded the way I handled the situation."
As in, the way you cornered him like a rat? (To which, I would agree)
Or in seeing a therapist? (WTF, dude?) “
It wasn’t husband who applauded my actions, rather it was my therapist.
|
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Mar 5, 2023 6:48:53 GMT -5
So…just a quick hello and an update here. I’m SO grateful that I stuck it out and continued with seeing the marriage counselor…even when I felt stuck and sure that things would never get better. Our relationship is now stronger and better than ever. Not just the fact the the sex life has come back into existence but also that we are generally much more loving and respectful with one another. I catch myself smiling frequently for no apparent reason ( I’m genuinely happy is why  ! ) and just feeling so much gratitude for what I do have: a husband who loves me and whom I love dearly, a career that satisfies me, a home , our financial stability, our 2 beagles , and our relatively good health in general. I’m feeling so very blessed. Granted, life isn’t perfect . I have two children from a previous relationship that I would like to see/have more frequent contact with but I remember how busy I was as a 30 something so …. Five grandchildren who I also would like to see more often. A step-daughter whom I would love to have more than just a rather superficial bond with. 12 hour shifts that leave me spent and exhausted…there are many time I get no lunch or breaks in that time period. An occasional 16 hour shift that takes every last ounce of energy to get through. But all in all, I’m really looking and living on the bright side these days, and boy oh boy does it ever feel good. I’ll never forget the acceptance and comeraderie I felt when I found the ILIASM forum and will always be grateful for all of you who helped me through those very dark days. Thank you all. |
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 5, 2023 11:48:46 GMT -5
lanie always great to hear from someone that turned it around. Gives the people in the choosing to stay hope that it could happen.
|
|
|
|
Post by catlover on Mar 6, 2023 15:44:20 GMT -5
So…just a quick hello and an update here. I’m SO grateful that I stuck it out and continued with seeing the marriage counselor…even when I felt stuck and sure that things would never get better. Our relationship is now stronger and better than ever. Not just the fact the the sex life has come back into existence but also that we are generally much more loving and respectful with one another. I catch myself smiling frequently for no apparent reason ( I’m genuinely happy is why ! ) and just feeling so much gratitude for what I do have: a husband who loves me and whom I love dearly, a career that satisfies me, a home , our financial stability, our 2 beagles , and our relatively good health in general. I’m feeling so very blessed. Granted, life isn’t perfect . I have two children from a previous relationship that I would like to see/have more frequent contact with but I remember how busy I was as a 30 something so …. Five grandchildren who I also would like to see more often. A step-daughter whom I would love to have more than just a rather superficial bond with. 12 hour shifts that leave me spent and exhausted…there are many time I get no lunch or breaks in that time period. An occasional 16 hour shift that takes every last ounce of energy to get through. But all in all, I’m really looking and living on the bright side these days, and boy oh boy does it ever feel good. I’ll never forget the acceptance and comeraderie I felt when I found the ILIASM forum and will always be grateful for all of you who helped me through those very dark days. Thank you all. That's awesome, and I'm offically jealous :-) |
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on Mar 6, 2023 16:36:37 GMT -5
So…just a quick hello and an update here. I’m SO grateful that I stuck it out and continued with seeing the marriage counselor…even when I felt stuck and sure that things would never get better. Our relationship is now stronger and better than ever. Not just the fact the the sex life has come back into existence but also that we are generally much more loving and respectful with one another. I catch myself smiling frequently for no apparent reason ( I’m genuinely happy is why ! ) and just feeling so much gratitude for what I do have: a husband who loves me and whom I love dearly, a career that satisfies me, a home , our financial stability, our 2 beagles , and our relatively good health in general. I’m feeling so very blessed. Granted, life isn’t perfect . I have two children from a previous relationship that I would like to see/have more frequent contact with but I remember how busy I was as a 30 something so …. Five grandchildren who I also would like to see more often. A step-daughter whom I would love to have more than just a rather superficial bond with. 12 hour shifts that leave me spent and exhausted…there are many time I get no lunch or breaks in that time period. An occasional 16 hour shift that takes every last ounce of energy to get through. But all in all, I’m really looking and living on the bright side these days, and boy oh boy does it ever feel good. I’ll never forget the acceptance and comeraderie I felt when I found the ILIASM forum and will always be grateful for all of you who helped me through those very dark days. Thank you all. Thanks for sharing this news and lifting the spirits of those of us in the "staying" camp. Sincere best wishes for continued good fortune and happy times. |
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Sept 15, 2023 10:08:33 GMT -5
The middle of September already? Not sure where the summer went!
I’m still being blessed with improved relations…all around…physically, spiritually, mentally, you ne it!
The latest news for us as a couple is that my spouse decided to apply for and was granted an annulment of his first marriage. I don’t plan on converting to Catholicism, but we are going to ask for a special dispensation so that we can marry in the eyes of his church. So…yeah, getting re-married!
Spending time with the kids and grandkids as we’re able and having a blast with our dogs. They’re trained to do dog sports , so that’s fun to do together ( and , at times, separately).
Just wanted to pop in with an update. Thanks for reading!
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 16, 2023 21:59:44 GMT -5
Good to hear from you Sister lanie . And excellent that your deal is still on an upward trajectory. |
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Sept 3, 2024 11:27:11 GMT -5
Wow! It appears that an entire year has gone by since I posted last. What a year it’s been! First things first, the marriage is still back on track and holding. If anything, the level of comfort and intimacy has greatly increased. We’re on the same page most of the time, and when we aren’t , we’re really good at finding a compromise that suits us both.
The sex …well, to be honest, at first it was both dissatisfying and disappointing. Disappointing because it just felt like he wasn’t interested in whether or not it was fulfilling for me, and in my opinion the foreplay was so short that there may just as well not have been any and duration ? Yeah, no. But the fact was that he was there, he was participating and he was making the effort.
After the return of our sex life, I was mostly the initiator. That changed when I spoke up about it and let him know that I wasn’t happy always having to be the one initiating. I also made my feelings clear about the fact that I wanted more foreplay , afterplay…and an increase un the duration of intercourse itself. When I told him these things I made sure to let him him know how much I absolutely adored all his of his hugs, kisses and cuddles, all of which have become his more preferred way of showing love and affection. In no time at all, he had taken my words to heed and and the sex got better again.
Our day to day is just really nice. I no longer feel as though I’m living a farce and I no longer am uncomfortable being with him around my grown children or mother..or his daughter. The discomfort there stemmed from the no sex and feeling as though I was living a lie. I don’t have those feelings at all anymore.
It wasn’t a magical turn about. I think we both realized that we valued our marriage and each other and we put in many sessions with a therapist who helped us re-align with each other. Im just so darn happy right now. It’s very nice to not feel alone and lonely in a marriage.
Best wishes to all of you !
|
|
! ) and just feeling so much gratitude for what I do have: a husband who loves me and whom I love dearly, a career that satisfies me, a home , our financial stability, our 2 beagles , and our relatively good health in general. I’m feeling so very blessed. 
