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Post by ironhamster on Apr 27, 2022 20:08:04 GMT -5
lanie, I am more than happy to see things go well for you, and hope things continue to go well. Do you have any idea what his issue was, before you straightened him out?
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Apr 30, 2022 20:01:33 GMT -5
Ironhamster, thanks! I’m really not sure what his issue was but I know that for me I think I had a bit of post-marriage “blues” or something like that.
He claims that my weight gain had something to do with it, won’t admit to any other issues, other than that we really went through a period where we just couldn’t se to communicate on a level basis. I had my own fears and that may have contributed. What I did was to really take a long hard look , I stopped with the constant verbal digs about sex or the lack of, and started appreciating him as if I were getting the sex too. Acting “ as if”. I have to admit that when the sex dried up I really became not so nice to live with and my thoughts spiraled into if he was cheating. I had to let that thought go and concentrAte on what was good. I tried to remember the things that attracted me to him in the first place, before the sex dried up. Intelligence, stability, a sense of humor. When my attitude was bad I’m almost certain that perpetuated the lack of sex cycle. Granted, the sex isn’t as often as I’d prefer and the intensity has mellowed ( he wears out quicker) but hey, at least it’s there and I’m totally thrilled about that. I still have my “ private moments “ to make up for the difference in our libidos, and we’re both OK with that too. I had to let him know that I appreciated him for who he was, not just the sex. Our relationship is better now than it ever has been, and I love that!
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Post by mirrororchid on May 2, 2022 5:48:06 GMT -5
... I stopped with the constant verbal digs about sex or the lack of, ... When my attitude was bad I’m almost certain that perpetuated the lack of sex cycle..... I had to let him know that I appreciated him for who he was, not just the sex. ... I'm under the impression you started campaigning for a return to intimacy. The difference was "digs" versus....what exactly? What was the approach? I'm thinking your attitude of appreciation alone didn't strike the match. Ladies seem to get the gears going easier than the fellas, so this info is of special interest. |
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on May 3, 2022 18:28:10 GMT -5
Hi Mirrorchild! Good question! Well, during the time that I was verbal with the little digs about sex and frequent reminders I also had brought up the fact that I was seriously considering outsourcing. Maybe, just maybe, when I stopped talking about these things he thought I was getting closer to or at the action phase of said proposals. Right now, that’s all that really comes to mind. I got interested in me and changed my demeanor. That actually was one of the “ homework assignments from our marriage counselor. He was supposed to take a step towards intimacy ( be it verbal, hugging or whatever) and I was supposed to back off with the near daily mentioning of sec ( or the lack of). Whatever happened , I’m ecstatic that it did!
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Jul 7, 2022 11:39:37 GMT -5
Just popping in to say hello. Still going strong here, I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t just a temporary “ rebound” .
Be well everyone!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 7, 2022 14:35:55 GMT -5
Just popping in to say hello. Still going strong here, I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t just a temporary “ rebound” . Be well everyone! It's always good to read about someone beating the odds in an ILIASM hole. At one time i thought I might have done the same when after several talks with my then W about me having a FWB she announced a return to intimacy with me. And for 3 months we were once again active a couple times a week. This lasted for about 3 months, and just as suddenly as it began, it ended. You have already beat that mark so perhaps you found the magic bullet for your marriage. For everyone who still dreams of that possibility, I hope so. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 8, 2022 6:11:58 GMT -5
Hi Mirrorchild! Good question! Well, during the time that I was verbal with the little digs about sex and frequent reminders I also had brought up the fact that I was seriously considering outsourcing. Maybe, just maybe, when I stopped talking about these things he thought I was getting closer to or at the action phase of said proposals. Right now, that’s all that really comes to mind. I got interested in me and changed my demeanor. That actually was one of the “ homework assignments from our marriage counselor. He was supposed to take a step towards intimacy ( be it verbal, hugging or whatever) and I was supposed to back off with the near daily mentioning of sec ( or the lack of). Whatever happened , I’m ecstatic that it did! Well, now that this reset has staying power (still looking to define "remission" rather than "reset"), without risking jinxing things or spoiling the wonderful mood, we know what you did different, if we can hear what changed your husband's behavior, that could be a very curious insight about refusing husbands who are capable of being "cured". If it's too delicate, I fully understand. It might help refused wives differentiate between hopeful causes and lost ones. Great to hear from you again. |
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Jul 9, 2022 14:42:04 GMT -5
Sorry , double post
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Jul 9, 2022 14:42:49 GMT -5
Mirrororchid, the subject isn’t too delicate, it’s just that I’m at a loss as to what it was. I’ll broach the subject with him at some point, probably during one of our therapy sessions ( yes, we continue to engage, albeit not as frequently) .
I’m also curious as to what may have. Re-started his engine, so to speak. If I had. to guess, it had a great deal to do with my backing off on the requests for sex, combined with the work we put into therapy/marriage counseling sessions. I think we both realized, as my therapist put it, it was definitely a “ use it or lose it” act, referring to orgasms and erections specifically. I’ll be sure to post back if /when I get more information.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Aug 20, 2022 11:39:14 GMT -5
Just a small update: Our marriage seems stronger than it was before the no-sex period. The sex isn’t every weekend, but most.
I will add that he has not resumed oral sex and upon frank discussion, he admitted it wasn’t something he ever really liked that much in the first place. Bummer for me, but I can live with it . Oral isn’t something that he has ever asked of me, nor does he seem to enjoy being on the receiving end that much either so I can’t make it a reciprocal thing. All in all, I’m happy and I think he is too. We’re also getting along better ( much better) outside of the bedroom.
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Post by baza on Aug 20, 2022 21:49:11 GMT -5
Interesting how these things pan out. If one's marriage is improving then it seems to follow that the sexual engagement level in the marriage seems to improve as well. Or, could it be that the sexual engagement levels in the marriage seems to help improve the marriage in an overall sense ? Personally, I think that there's a bit of both happening. You, Sister lanie , seem to have adopted a policy of sorting out your own shit, and Mr lanie appears to also be sorting out his own shit. And you both reap the benifits of your own work, and your spouses work. Good on you both. |
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Aug 22, 2022 15:58:48 GMT -5
Thanks Baza! Yes, I think you’re right. It IS also true that we both put in the work on our own parts, and believe me, some of it really WAS work.
I also think that we now have more of a “ nip it in the bud” policy rather than a “ wait and see” policy in general.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 22, 2022 14:10:15 GMT -5
Just a quick hello! Things are still going well for myself and the Mr.
We’re enjoying a few days of abnormally warm and sunny weather this weekend!
Anyway, I still peruse the forum even though I don’t post as often as I browse.
Be well everyone!
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Nov 27, 2022 15:44:05 GMT -5
Thanksgiving went well. We both had a bout of the dreaded Covid. We were both able to get on the Paxlovid for it and are now both over it with no really bad effects. I seem to have developed a secondary infection-bronchitis-so went and got seen for that today. The cough is horrible, waking me up about every two hours at night. My boss wanted me to come in to cover a shift tonight but it’s bad enough o have to be there tomorrow. I politely declined to pick it up.
Sick is sick is sick.
The home life is good, I’m happy as can be and he seems to be very pleased with his newly retired status. I just post little updates from time to time, still hanging in there and things are still going well for us. I’m so glad I had found this forum when I needed it.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 28, 2022 2:18:18 GMT -5
Thanksgiving went well. We both had a bout of the dreaded Covid. We were both able to get on the Paxlovid for it and are now both over it with no really bad effects. I seem to have developed a secondary infection-bronchitis-so went and got seen for that today. The cough is horrible, waking me up about every two hours at night. My boss wanted me to come in to cover a shift tonight but it’s bad enough o have to be there tomorrow. I politely declined to pick it up. Sick is sick is sick. The home life is good, I’m happy as can be and he seems to be very pleased with his newly retired status. I just post little updates from time to time, still hanging in there and things are still going well for us. I’m so glad I had found this forum when I needed it. Tales from Oppositeland always welcome, Lanie. Thanks for stopping in again. |
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