lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 24, 2021 16:57:21 GMT -5
well...I will copy and paste my intro post from the other board onto here. I have chosen to stay. We have OK days, good days and better days, but all the days still are devoid of sexual intimacy. I'm not so good with that fact.
My situation: We are in our eighth year of marriage, our 4th or 5th year of sexless marriage.
When I say sexless ,I mean sexless. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. No kisses, cuddles and very few embraces.
This is the exact opposite of the pattern our sex lives had when we were dating and newly married ( 1st 2 years a or so) .
Back then it was good, frequent , healthy and robust.
The change is mind boggling and has caused me great emotional grief. I mourn for what we had that seemed to just disappear.
My first clue that all was not well was the times when sex became. ( on his part) very perfunctorily preformed…you know. just going through the motions, no passion.
I am, at 53 years young unable to imagine this state, devoid of passion for the rest of my life.
I haven’t strayed, nor do I want a divorce, necessarily, but I do want to re-kindle what we once had.
We see a therapist/marriage counselor ( we saw him briefly before we married also) .
My husband once claimed that his lack of desire was due to my weight gain . When we married I was about 127 lbs.…I gradually crept up to about 160.
When I dropped the weight this still made no difference, as he either didn’t notice or just refrained from commenting.
I told him I loved him the other day, to which he replied “ thank you” .
When I agreed to " for better or worse” I could not have , in my wildest dreams, imagined that sex ( or lack of it) would be the “ worse”.
I’d like to convey my relief upon finding this forum and knowing I’m not as alone as I feel.
Thanks…
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Post by baza on Oct 24, 2021 18:17:51 GMT -5
As long as you are making a fully informed choice - based on the facts as they stand today - then you can't go too far wrong Sister lanie
The facts as they stand today will supply the road map forward for you.
And if those facts of today change tomorrow, then your choice may require a re-think in the light of that.
But as long as your choice(s) is based on the facts, and is in your best longer term best interests, the outcome will take care of itself.
"Staying" is just as legitimate a choice as leaving.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 24, 2021 18:49:36 GMT -5
Staying is OK. If that provides you with what you need.
If your H would be honest about his lack of desire maybe the two of you could find a solution.
Good luck.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 24, 2021 21:26:24 GMT -5
Thanks baza, thanks Jim. It’s nice to have a place like this to come to. I’ll continue to read, read and read, vent and give updates as time and the situation allow.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 25, 2021 4:16:34 GMT -5
My situation: We are in our eighth year of marriage, our 4th or 5th year of sexless marriage. When I say sexless ,I mean sexless. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. No kisses, cuddles and very few embraces. You've "said the magic woid" and the duck has descended by posting in "Choosing to Stay" so understand that I ask this as an opportunity to better understand acceptance, not to change it. What's the motive for staying? (check all that apply) Honor/Self-Respect in Keeping Your Vows? Children? Protect your husband from heartbreak? Judgement from Family and Friends? An Unknown Future? |
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 25, 2021 6:55:43 GMT -5
My main reason is that I love him, I love and honor our marriage and the vows we took, maybe to protect him from heartbreak, and because I think that we ( as a couple) are worth the effort. Just as life isn’t perfect, neither are marriages.
I am fully invested…physically, emotionally, monetarily, spiritually…in my marriage. I’d like to view our situation as a rough patch that can be made better. If it never changes, I’ll have to figure out how to accept that.
The children are all grown and live on their own. There are grandchildren, to whom I’d like to model a relationship that has staying power.
The scariness of an unknown future is there , I believe, to some extent in that married or not futures can be uncertain despite the carefullest of plans and planning. This has become less so due to my recent employment.
The judgement from friends/faamily had no influence on my decision as I would have been morally supported with either decision ( stay or go) .
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 25, 2021 7:54:24 GMT -5
You have made your decision for now. And it seems you fully understand the implications, and own the decision. That is what we all should do when confronted with the impact of a SM. I chose not to remain sexless, my X chose not to have intimacy in her life, and eventually we decided to end the marriage. Life is ever evolving and what worked yesterday or today may well not work tomorrow.
It's good your decisions will have thee support of your family/friends.
I would encourage you to stay on the forum as you point out, life is uncertain.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Oct 25, 2021 16:00:52 GMT -5
lanie, we have a lot in common as far as our situations go. I, too, have chosen to stay at this point and don’t foresee that changing. There are a lot of reasons I stay: grown kids, grandkids, we get along really well in all other respects, we’ve built a good life together, etc. I’m a little bit private and don’t share everything here in the forum. Feel free to DM me any time. Just know that you’re not alone.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 25, 2021 16:55:24 GMT -5
The scariness of an unknown future is there , I believe, to some extent in that married or not futures can be uncertain despite the carefullest of plans and planning. This has become less so due to my recent employment. I had to learn the very long and hard way that the scariest thing was not an unknown future, but the certainty of a M void of intimacy, and the joy of sex. For as long as I remained in the relationship, so too would my suffering. Not only do you face the challenge of flipping the switch, which is hard (if not impossible), but you also were given the biggest insult with his "thank you" response. That is the biggest "fuck you" a spouse could give to "I love you". You see that kind of shit in comedies, not in real life. I do hope the best for you, and who knows...maybe the switch will flip. But "thank you" would wrap it up for me with big bow on it. |
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 25, 2021 18:18:26 GMT -5
lanie, catsloveme, etal - back on the EP site Baza was engaged with a member, Rosie apparition, whose story was similar to yours. The sex and intimacy had vanished but she still loved her H and their lifestyle. The bottom line was Rosieapparition found value in her marriage and decided to stay. She did not accept the status quo and was committed to improving the intimacy side of her life. I do not know how that worked out for her but the main point is that she found value in her marriage. Or as Baz is prone to say she did the sums and decided to stay.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 25, 2021 19:21:35 GMT -5
thanks catsloveme, I appreciate that offer, and am bound to take you up on it. Deadzone75...funny you mentioned the "thank you" . I, too, viewed it as a huge affront and when I brought it up in marriage counseling the counselor thought it wasn't that big of a deal. He was , perhaps sincerely thanking me for continuing to love him despite our difficulties. He has since, told me "I love you" so....well it is what it is. With 13 years between us ( difference in our ages) there is a slight (lol) generation gap there, that sometimes more than others is very apparent. We don't really notice it all that much, and I don't believe it bothers either of us. I'm also catching up to him income wise, so that evens things out a bit as well  |
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 29, 2021 1:27:49 GMT -5
Feeling pretty happy with my choice. Got some quick cuddles before work ( I asked) . Really needed that tonight. Weekend will be spent with my daughter and grandkids. Ordered some concert tickets ( a show, really) for one of his Christmas gifts . I’m still a pretty blessed gal.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Oct 30, 2021 21:21:44 GMT -5
Keep those cuddles coming. Something is changing. I got cuddled all night long ( used to be all night, every night) .I like the change. Not going to complain, nor overpraise him for this. It’s nice, and a part of what I need. I hope we keep going in the right direction.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Nov 9, 2021 23:31:58 GMT -5
Well …. Although I’m still not getting any , We’ve hard some frank discussions, and the general forecast is continued improvement.  I’ll keep posting. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 10, 2021 7:29:19 GMT -5
Well …. Although I’m still not getting any , We’ve hard some frank discussions, and the general forecast is continued improvement. I’ll keep posting. FWIW, Maybe 3 out of 4 of the "fixed" SMs I've read about have been refusing husbands that come to their senses. So your optimism has some grounding in history. |
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