lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Nov 12, 2021 16:44:24 GMT -5
Thanks Mirrororchid, , that’s nice to know. I might actually get a “date night” this weekend. We had to forego it last weekend due to illness. It’s been quite awhile.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Nov 18, 2021 4:30:57 GMT -5
Date night was dinner our Friday …and thanks to my company, they footed most of the tab because I agreed to some overtime. Doubly blessed. It was nice, all in all.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Nov 28, 2021 2:50:30 GMT -5
Wow what a week. 60 plus hours in all and it seems the more I work, the more appreciative ( though still not in the way I’m looking for) he becomes. The change in our communication style is really refreshing though, and I’m trying really hard to count my blessings and remain grateful for what I ( & we) do have in the here and now. I have trust issues and they do come up from time to time, though I try really hard to keep aid on my mouth! Time will tell…
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 29, 2021 5:08:03 GMT -5
Wow what a week. 60 plus hours in all and it seems the more I work, the more appreciative ( though still not in the way I’m looking for) he becomes. The change in our communication style is really refreshing though, and I’m trying really hard to count my blessings and remain grateful for what I ( & we) do have in the here and now. I have trust issues and they do come up from time to time, though I try really hard to keep aid on my mouth! Time will tell… Trust issues? That he'll fulfill promises? That he's unfaithful in some way? Counterintuitively, times when a relationship is at a high and communication is good are the same times that favor discussion of open relationships. It's so easy to interpret such discussions as expressions of displeasure when they are executed at low points. You're enjoying the refuser's company. If sex is an obstacle to an otherwise frictionless marriage, might outsourcing be a net positive? Refusers rarely think so. But perhaps you'd paint a picture for him outlining why removal of a source of constant tension might allow you to focus onm the parts of your marriage he likes best. Same with you, other than the elephant in the room. I've been thinking about the irritation that randiness produces. It annoys me. Having carnal thoughts about women passing me by. Choking down my body's desire to stare uncomfortably. Random prurient thoughts I chase away to focus on work. It's very similar to hunger. Fleeting thoughts of something tasty can be pleasant; something to look forward to. Interruptions by thoughts of a dozen different foods that sound good when all I need is twenty minutes to finish are infuriating. I give in and find something, any ol' thing to scarf down so I can bloody well focus again. My body is a yapping Pekingese. Sexless marriages produce constant barrages of these intrusive, crippling thoughts that disallow enjoyment and accomplishment in life. How much time, thought, and effort goes into "why chasing" or grand gestures that our refusers "still do it" for us? Enough. Just get a (literally) fucking snack and get on with your life. Is there any celibacy duration he'd agree was absurd? Is there no point at which he'd sheepishly admit that outsourcing was reasonable?
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Dec 11, 2021 22:46:29 GMT -5
Mirror orchid,
Thank you for the analogy! I have to digest your response ( no pun intended!) and I haven’t time at the moment to formulate a proper response, but I wanted to take a quick second to say thanks for the input. I always look forward to hearing from you!
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 12, 2021 15:31:16 GMT -5
Back on Sept 13 I suggested that some research be done by his doctor to see if there could be some hormonal or other medical conditions that lead to his apparent low libido. You hinted that it was something worth looking into. Has he seen his doctor to have his testosterone checked and to have other possible causes for his lack of desire looked at?
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Dec 13, 2021 3:08:23 GMT -5
He has an appointment upcoming and I definitely asked him about broaching the subject with his doctor. I'm essentially starving and everything is beginning to look like a smorgasbord! Meanwhile, ol' pokey thinks he is doing just fine on his timeline (whatever that may be) of "getting there." It's always "we're getting there". Granted, he has put in some effort with an uptick of kisses, cuddles and hugs but geez, you don't just sprinkle water on a burning building, do you?
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Dec 16, 2021 13:35:32 GMT -5
Mirrorchild, I hope you won't mind my using your analogy to emphasize my point during our marriage counseling appointment tommorow> It just makes so gosh darned much sense! I was profoundly dissapointed that I got no sex on my birthday weekend, on the upside he did make the effort to get me a gift I really wanted and also got me something from then dog! Another upside is that we have been going out more on weekends and enjoying the company of one another more at home. I have tried to not bring up sex. I did get a tongue kiss (SUPRISE!) as he dropped me off at work the other day. That lead to the exact scenario you described....intrusive thoughts...wanting , craving, needing more of that. I long to just make out like we once did, I long for more than that.
I'll let you know how it went.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 16, 2021 16:18:03 GMT -5
He has an appointment upcoming and I definitely asked him about broaching the subject with his doctor. I'm essentially starving and everything is beginning to look like a smorgasbord! Meanwhile, ol' pokey thinks he is doing just fine on his timeline (whatever that may be) of "getting there." It's always "we're getting there". Granted, he has put in some effort with an uptick of kisses, cuddles and hugs but geez, you don't just sprinkle water on a burning building, do you? FWIW....If it were me I would contact his Dr. and have the doctor work into this visit some questions about how his penis is working. The doctor should know how to do this so as not to arouse any suspicions. Just a thought...
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Dec 16, 2021 17:33:01 GMT -5
Great suggestion! Thank you, that’s exactly what I’ll do!
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 16, 2021 19:32:29 GMT -5
Mirrorchild, I hope you won't mind my using your analogy to emphasize my point during our marriage counseling appointment tommorow> It just makes so gosh darned much sense! ... we have been going out more on weekends and enjoying the company of one another more at home. I have tried to not bring up sex. I did get a tongue kiss (SURPRISE!) as he dropped me off at work the other day. That lead to the exact scenario you described....intrusive thoughts...wanting , craving, needing more of that. I long to just make out like we once did, I long for more than that. I'll let you know how it went. Mind? Isn't the whole point of this board helping each other? Heck, yeah! Use it if it'll help! Glad he got enough of a clue to kiss you like a husband. Sorry about the part of it that's a royal tease.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Dec 21, 2021 4:00:52 GMT -5
So…. Brief update. I used the food and yapping Pekingese analogy during our counseling appointment and my counselor congratulated me on putting the onus back on him and getting g across the point that this was a front burner issue for me. I think hubby was a bit surprised. I am certain it was the right move on my part.
I also took the proactive tack suggested and I put in a call and spoke with his physicians nurse , to have the doc bring up the libido/functionality issue.
I’ve gotten a couple more nice French kisses…and as far as the tease factor of that, we’ll it did serve to add a bit of spice to go on as far as my solo sojourns , so it wasn’t all bad!
I’ll keep you posted on our progress.
Thank you , everyone!
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Jan 1, 2022 21:33:39 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your candid responses. That’s a huge part of what keeps me here and posting.
I did not need to set a concrete deadline as we have had an initial foray back into the more pleasurable aspects of our relationship. Sent out the old Year with a bang, quite literally. I will not be merely appeased, but rather consider this the end of a bleak phase a the beginning of the reestablishment of a return to more normalcy in the frequency of our intimate encounters.
He rather agrees that the resumption of more frequent encounters is good for us both. I’m filled with cautious optimism.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 2, 2022 0:52:10 GMT -5
I'm cautiously hopeful for you, lanie. It's rare to heal a sexless marriage in a way that both the high libido and the low libido spouse can be happy with. I'd be happy to see you defy the odds and succeed.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Jan 2, 2022 1:04:04 GMT -5
Thanks Ironhamster! He wasn’t always the low libido and I hope we can find the energy again to keep it up ( no pun intended)!
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