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Post by lakeside4003 on Oct 26, 2017 14:30:11 GMT -5
hi from a past member of this site. I have been going through much of what you now are - and am separated, divorce is proceeding.
I did get set up on Match.com - and I will largely give it a thumbs-up for my experiences so far. I have met all sorts of ladies, mostly nice, but some doozies too. I've also had a 'scam attempt', so do be careful...
Only post recent pics (but ok to show some older ones as labeled from 10-15 yrs ago) and the more your profile is creative - you can and will attract some like minded people. I get the feeling that the #'s are a bit more in mens favor - so understand that there can be lots of competition out there.
I can happily report that I have started a relationship that's increasingly comfortable and quite exciting - and yes, the sex is what most of us have always longed for.
Good Luck!
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 14:35:35 GMT -5
lakeside, it would be great if you posted more about your experiences, what you said in your profile, the kind of pictures you posted, how you screened which women to contact and to after a date follow-up with.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Oct 26, 2017 14:45:58 GMT -5
ok - i used current pics, some w my grown kids and a few from 10-15 yrs ago. The main thing for me was to really show myself and articulate my way of thinking, what turns me on/off, what I'm looking for/dreaming about (yeah everyone does this, but try to go waaay beyond 'holding someone's hand walking the beach for sunset', etc).
If I hoped to connect with a lady, I sent them a note asking them to 'please be curious?' and asking them to read my profile, while always mentioning something specific from theirs.
I did get compliments on the amount I wrote/shared and the details of my reasons for being on Match. I even went so far as to screen out some ladies by sharing 'If you still really like Trump, please don't waste any time on me!' This actually helped quite a bit and screened in or out something that could have been a deal-breaker from the start.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 15:11:02 GMT -5
lakeside, your dating profile had a lot of similarities with mine including my being very upfront about my lefty politics. Friends as well as people here have been surprised that I was open about my politics on my profile when I on-line dated, and also was open about my politics on the first date with my now partner of 4 years (whom I had known in real life before dating). But politics are very important to me, and I would not want to even have a one night stand with someone who was apathetic about politics or was my political opposite.
I also was very open about my interests -- which are activism, travel and the arts. I was open about being a pescetarian, Buddhist and person who didn't want to be around smokers or tobacco chewers. And to be perfectly clear about the kind of travel I like, I said, "My idea of camping is staying in a Motel 6."
I'm sure my profile and in person openness screened out a lot of guys, but that was fine because those guys wouldn't have been a good match for me. I ended up with the right guy for me, a man whom I don't have to hide my real self from.
I think it's important to be one's real self on line and in person. Figure out what a partner must have for you to be happy, and don't settle for less.
The kind of message that you sent to the women that interested you -- message that referred to your having read her profile and having been interested in something specific there -- also was the type of message that I would have found appealing. What you offered was words of affirmation, sweet music to someone whose love language is such words. Many erroneously think that words of affirmation are flattery. No, words of affirmation are complimenting something specific that one appreciates in another person. "Hi, beautiful," doesn't count because it's basically empty flattery. "You have lovely eyes like Elizabeth Taylor," would be words of affirmation because of its specificity. But, honestly, when I got messages from men on-line, I preferred messages that indicated an attraction to a personality quality or interest that I had. The beauty compliments sounded like they wanted a quick lay, something I wasn't there to get as I preferred to get to know a person before having sex with them.
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 20:59:27 GMT -5
[quote timestamp="1508957867" author=" shamwow" source="/post/82373/thread". So yeah, I’m not excited about life, these days. Being excited is antithetical to living in Mindfulness, t. Sorry. I have to disagree. One doesn't need to be somber to be mindful. But, you are where you are and you are who you are. That's cool. You know yourself and you are being true to yourself. But it's not just fluff to be happy. Some people are and they are just as "deep" as anyone else. That’s not what I said. I didn’t mention Mindfulness equating to being somber. However, I don’t see how you can disagree with my own life experience. Excitement is not the same as happiness. I can be excited about a new workout, but I’m not jumping around thinking “life is great” because I have a new workout that I like. I didn’t say happiness was “fluff.” |
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 21:36:25 GMT -5
Sorry. I have to disagree. One doesn't need to be somber to be mindful. But, you are where you are and you are who you are. That's cool. You know yourself and you are being true to yourself. But it's not just fluff to be happy. Some people are and they are just as "deep" as anyone else. Buddhism is not the same as stoicism. Look at the Dali Lama. Exiled from his homeland, threatened by the Chinese government, and persecuted for his beliefs. Yet red any of his books and you will see a playful, almost childlike manner. Or the zen master having tea with a student. As the master poured the tea, it began to overfill, yet the master continued to pour. The student asked him master why he continued to pour. The master told the student that as long as his cup was full there was no room for anything else. The first noble truth says all being suffer. It is part of the Dharma. But the rest of the truths and the eight fold path let us deal with this suffering. Empty the cup of tea. Right attitude and Action are in your power. I don’t know where you got the idea that I was saying Mindfulness is being stoic. However, Buddhism is about equanimity. The Buddha was Mindful and composed. I’m sure he laughed and had fun too, but it’s about the Middle Way. Buddhism is different for each person. It’s not a religion. I practice my own way as I understand it, and others will practice their way. The Buddha gave us credit for being individuals. However, my main point was that Mindfulness and Buddhism helps me live a life of solitude. That’s my choice. It’s not a edict from the Buddha. Jesus said “ be in the world, but not of the world,” or something like that. That describes where I am. It’s not for anyone to tell me I should be different because it’s who I am. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 21:56:16 GMT -5
"So yeah, I’m not excited about life, these days. Being excited is antithetical to living in Mindfulness, t." Mindfulness is being in the moment. That means also an awareness of one's changing emotions. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes, even the deepest depression. This is not a judgment about whether you should be happy now. At the time you wrote your post, you were not excited. At the time I'm writing this post, I am very depressed (horrible job problems). 10 minutes later, both of us may feel different. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. That’s true, but in general I have no enthusiasm or excitement within me. All that “died” 6-years ago, and It’s never returned. Maybe that’s a good thing for me. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 22:05:24 GMT -5
You responded as I expected. You are taking personally the type of man I choose to be romantically involved with. Obviously, while you have some fine qualities, I would not choose a man like you for romance. Fortunately, there are many women that you fit their longings. I hate cooking. Left to my own devices for dinner, I happily eat tuna out of a can and a bag of veggies. (Yes I know the tuna was caught by someone and therefore the tuna suffered. Still, I didn’t catch it and my guy didn’t either. By my eating it, its suffering didn’t go to waste.) I am sure I am not the type of woman you’d choose to date, and that’s ok wit h me. There’s somebody for everyone. I have a coworker whom I joke with that we would never fight over a man because we are attracted to the type that the other avoids. She is happy with her handy guy with the military haircut. I love my long haired, earring wearing guy who acts, writes and can’t fix a thing. Back to the men holding dead fish pictures: what do other women here think of them? I think that if a man wants to illustrate his being handy, spiritual, in touch with nature, independent, a role model for boys, another type of picture would be a better choice. But let’s hear from other women. What do you like and dislike in dating site pictures? I’m amazed that our personal preferences are questioned and debated. Whether a romantic partner, a religion, a way of living etc, our preferences, our life experiences, our way of life, are ours. It seems some take our “likes” and “dislikes” personally, or the way we choose to date, or live, or think. Whatever happened to being accepted for being who you are, and not how others think you should be, or like what they think you should like? |
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 22:11:09 GMT -5
northstarmom, I’m with you regarding the fish. I’ve seen pics of men holding fish, and it turns me off. Yes, I’m also a hypocrite. I eat fish, but hate that I need some animal protein. I’ve given up pork and beef years ago, and try not to eat chicken, although I do now and again, but like you, I am fully aware that this was once a living creature who wanted to live as much as we do. I have nothing against fisherman, but I can’t partake of it, or enjoy seeing someone catch fish for sport.
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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 22:32:35 GMT -5
ok - i used current pics, some w my grown kids and a few from 10-15 yrs ago. The main thing for me was to really show myself and articulate my way of thinking, what turns me on/off, what I'm looking for/dreaming about (yeah everyone does this, but try to go waaay beyond 'holding someone's hand walking the beach for sunset', etc). If I hoped to connect with a lady, I sent them a note asking them to 'please be curious?' and asking them to read my profile, while always mentioning something specific from theirs. I did get compliments on the amount I wrote/shared and the details of my reasons for being on Match. I even went so far as to screen out some ladies by sharing 'If you still really like Trump, please don't waste any time on me!' This actually helped quite a bit and screened in or out something that could have been a deal-breaker from the start. I live in a very Leftist area. I’m a conservative. I never gave political persuasions a thought when it came to dating, but in the present political climate with so much hate and mean spiritedness, its now a definite “no-no,” in finding a partner. In fact, some men say they won’t go out with a conservative, and if he’s left-leaning, he won’t align with my values either. So it’s definitely a filter. I also am unlikely to match with Christians, so when a profile says, “Christian, and It’s important,” I know we won’t be a match. I spent 50-years of my life as a Christian, so I know what they are like. Actually, I’m beginning to understand why there are no availible men for me, where I live. I have a very narrow range of matches. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 28, 2017 11:18:10 GMT -5
This is why I say the dating world and dating sites are VERY SHALLOW. It takes a lot of wading in those shallow pools till you find some depth. But sitting on the shore won't get anyone anywhere. I'm no dating expert, but what you say really resonates with my philosophy of exploration and learning - you have to put in the effort; great results aren't easy. Especially as you get more specialized / your interests become more focused... there are gems out there, but you have to be willing to sift through a lot of rocks to find one, like panning for gold. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 11:47:45 GMT -5
“I live in a very Leftist area. I’m a conservative. I never gave political persuasions a thought when it came to dating, but in the present political climate with so much hate and mean spiritedness, its now a definite “no-no,” in finding a partner. “
Hav you considered moving to a more conservative area so you could find more people who share your values? I am a lefty in a conservative region of the country. I didn’t make friends here for 12 years until I connected with the progressive community. Before that, if I made friends they quickly left because they, too, were lefty and the area’s conservativeness wasn’t a good fit for them.
When I finally found the progressives here was when I blossomed finding many activities and friends that made me happy and who appreciated me as I am. Before, in general, the people I’d met thought I was a wierdo.
Differing politics reflect different values. Different values makes it hard to have close relationships. For instance, I’m an atheist Buddhist and have a gay son. It would be difficult for me to become close to someone who thought gays should be jailed and the Bible should rule the land.
My partner and I are planning on retiring outside of the u.s. and are making sure that the places we consider have expats whose values are similar to ours.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 28, 2017 13:25:52 GMT -5
I would generally agree on including in one's profile any deal breakers. I included in my profile that I was not interested in being a pen pal or just a friendship, that I was a big fan of romance and expected that any relationship would have intimacy as a component. I talked about a few of my hobbies, the kind of travel I enjoyed(day trips, B&B getaways for a weekend, exploring places I've never been),and what I didn't like(riding around in the middle of the ocean on a really big boat with 5,000 other people). I also tried to include some humor and just a bit of self depreciating to assure I didn't come off as self centered or controlling.
If one cannot tolerate a different political perspective or a philosophical/religious perspective it should go in one's profile. I have eliminated a couple of women who contacted me because their profiles included a bias against anyone other than a political liberal. I am generally fairly moderate and tolerant of how others choose to live their lives. I am politically conservative but don't include that in my profile.
A profile should have a # of photos, mostly current(within the last 2yrs.) and they should be a mix of full body and close up portrait shots. It's OK to have some shots from 20yrs ago but they should not be the bulk of the photos. Long distance shots of yourself where you aren't identifiable aren't very useful. If all you have is a group photo surrounded by a bunch of your friends, identify yourself in the photo.
Spend some time reading the profiles of one's competition. Often I see the same thing repeated over and over on a man's or women's profile. Try and come up with a little something that hopefully sets you apart from the herd.
When I initiate a conversation I always find a way to include a portion of the woman profile that caught my interest. I doubt it makes much difference but I do it.
One of the most disappointing parts of online dating for me is on opening a 1st email from a woman that initiated a conversation and finding out all it says is "Hi there". If you are going to start a conversation, say something.
P.S......I viewed a # of male profiles before I wrote mine. Often it seemed they said basically the same thing. But occasionally I did see some creative endeavors. So when I made mine I tried to do something different from what I had seen elsewhere and especially from the general fare. My photos show the real me.
I have modified and updated it as I have had a couple of extended relationships.(I left the site) When I came back on the site I generally reworked or tweaked what I had to say to those who might view me.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 13:31:26 GMT -5
“It's OK to have some shots from 20yrs ago”
Why? I wasn’t interested in what people looked like 20 years ago but what they looked like now. When it came to me, I didn’t want guys to compare the current me with how I looked when I was much younger
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 28, 2017 13:41:35 GMT -5
“It's OK to have some shots from 20yrs ago” Why? I wasn’t interested in what people looked like 20 years ago but what they looked like now. When it came to me, I didn’t want guys to compare the current me with how I looked when I was much younger Perhaps those photos are relevant to who you are now. Perhaps you want to convey a message of how you came to be you and how long you seen yourself this way. Perhaps it's something irreverent ,or portrays your humorous, quirky side(if you have one). Maybe the photo is of a particular meaningful event for you. It shouldn't necessarily be to show what one looked like then. One of my pet peeves is that so very, very many women on POF use for their main profile picture, one that is 20-30 yrs, old. |
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