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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2017 11:15:37 GMT -5
Well I’ve done the years and years of misery in a iliasm and the heartache so decided to join an online dating site. I’m a lot bit out of my depth so any advice would be very welcome. It feels so weird and plain wrong to be doing this but I’m going to persevere - I can’t go under so there’s no option. Do I have to reply to everybody who just winks or says hi or just messages a couple of words - what’s the protocol? I think I’m in danger of just messaging the guys I feel sorry for - story of my life. Is it ok to arrange to have coffee after a couple of messages? I figure I’m in my 60s so no point messing about.  I could do with the company tbh and put on my profile that I’m looking for friendship. |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 24, 2017 11:38:28 GMT -5
Wow. I just read your story, Rosie. Welcome and kudos to you for your strength. I love that you are dipping your toes in the dating scene. Taking in your age, I will empathize that I am sure the online dating world will come across as very shallow to you. It is. But I say take it for what it is - a CHANCE to meet people. That's it. It's not about "finding love," it's just a chance to meet people. That lightens things up a bit.
You do not have to reply to everyone. Some men do the "copy/paste" thing and send it to EVERYONE hoping for a bite. Look at their profile. IF you like what you see/read, then respond. It is definitely okay to have coffee after a couple messages. Real life is preferred over online, that's where reality lies. Sometimes you think you have a great connection with someone only to meet and find out it was false. Real life is where it's at.
Just be you. Be real. Don't try to read into things, let the men show you who they are and then believe what you see. It's okay to say no, no thank you. Etc. Learn this phrase, "It was great meeting you, but I just don't feel a connection. I wish you the best." Don't be upset too much if you hear it also. Dating/love is a finicky thing. Try to have fun with it all. I really did go into it with fascination -- both for who I am and how I acted in various situations and also how men acted. For reference, I met close to 50 men in a two year time period. Some went on to second dates, thirds, fourths. Most were just meet and greets, see ya around. I was rejected, but I also did my fair share of rejecting (I would say almost half/half). I allowed myself to date some men I wasn't that into for far too long, but eventually found my strength to stay awake and remember what I truly want in life, in a relationship, in a man. I held out. I found him. NOt sure why, but I am thankful every day. I do know if I hadn't joined EHarmony, I would not have met him, though, so I advocate online dating, for sure.
Good luck and have fun!!
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2017 12:38:26 GMT -5
From a guy's perspective (who has never been on an online dating site BTW)... If I'm on an online dating site and saw that you were looking for "friendship", that would be nice, but if I were looking just for someone who wants to be friends, I wouldn't be looking on an online dating site. Most guys you meet online are looking to get laid, and some are looking for a relationship. It will be uncommon to find someone looking exclusively for friendship. Now, if you're looking to get laid + friendship, an online dating site might be for you. Also, WindSister mentioned EHarmony. That highlights an important point. Not all dating sites are the same. Tinder will attract people with different goals than EHarmony. There is another option if you're looking for company. Look at www.meetup.com and see if there are any groups you are interested in. You will get out, make friends, and perhaps meet someone that can develop into more than a friend. And at that point, it will be someone with whom you share a common interest. The point, though, is to get out, get active, and mingle. Whether you get your introduction through a meetup group or being swiped right (or is it left) on Tinder, the first step is to take action. Just my 2 cents worth. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2017 12:38:57 GMT -5
I’m going to write that phrase. ‘it was great meeting you...’ and put it on the front of my phone so I don’t forget. Thankyou for those tips, and your lovely reply. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2017 12:46:12 GMT -5
Fair point Shamwow, about Meetup, thing is my health isn’t up to those kind of active groups. I need infrequent, sedate, sitting down kind of meetings.
I’m hoping the age range I’m looking at OLD aren’t that in to getting laid - judging from their pics I think it would be unwise for most of them anyway.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2017 12:55:11 GMT -5
Fair point Shamwow, about Meetup, thing is my health isn’t up to those kind of active groups. I need infrequent, sedate, sitting down kind of meetings. I’m hoping the age range I’m looking at OLD aren’t that in to getting laid - judging from their pics I think it would be unwise for most of them anyway. Agreed on the health aspect. Perhaps the mountain biking group isn't for you. But there are dinner groups. Break break, sip some wine. And there are specific groups for older folks. Of course, I really don't think 60 is that old. It certainly ain't dead. My 74 year old father clears brush, does landscaping, and stays active. He has mild health issues and is a cancer survivor. He and my mom just got back from a trip to Branson (yeah, I know, cliche). But the point is that there are lots of things to do out there that don't involve a hook up site. Just be aware that if you are looking for dating sites to meet men, you shouldn't be surprised if many of them are looking for more than "friendship". |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 24, 2017 13:15:27 GMT -5
I just read your story again. Ugh. You were with a cold man and I can relate. My ex, I describe as a statue. Nothing worse than trying to squeeze warmth and affection from a bony, dead-cold hand. (been there, done that).
Are you in a populated area? If you are, I second MeetUp groups. I hosted quite a few events back when I was single. I couldn't wait until I turned 40 to join the "Over Forties" group. There was also over 50's and 60's. There are so many interest groups. I found the best events from the big groups. Like the 40s group had 5,000 members and over a hundred event organizers. You could find museum goers, crocheter's, dancers, hikers, kayakers, etc. Many interests within the group. If you don't see what you like, I say take the reign and create it because if you are interested, someone else is, too. My favorite was sunrise photography hikes. I didn't think anyone else would join, but we had 30 some hiker/photographers. It was a lot of fun. Of course, I threw myself into book clubs with an emphasis on socializing, too. Some, upon me leaving the city (I am small town girl now) were starting up... what's the word.... salon something. Anyway, there were lots who liked to get together to talk about interesting things, too. I actually miss some of that as I am much more isolated in the world now in my rural digs. So I say embrace it, try to find and do things you have always wanted to do, don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone now and then. Enjoy.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2017 13:43:21 GMT -5
Keep in mind that anyone can start a meetup. That means, if there's not a group in your area that interests you, start one. In addition to meetups for dancers, runners, etc. my medium sized city has meetups for book lovers, vegetarians, foodies and people who like going to movies.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 24, 2017 14:43:15 GMT -5
I am somewhat surprised that you are moving so quickly from divorcing to dating. Generally, it takes some time before one is able to put the dysfunction experienced in a SM behind them and to venture out into the dating realm.
I am going to echo much of what shamwow had to say and I am going to give you just a little wake up call about men over 60. Most men at a dating site will not resemble your X as regards intimacy. If you venture on to a dating site the males you are most apt to see are not likely there primarily seeking friendship. A sizable % of them are still quite capable of plowing a furrow and very much interested in a relationship that includes intimacy. Having said that there are males who do just desire a nonsexual relationship or traveling companion, without the obvious connation of her also being a lover, if that is what you prefer at this point.
I also agree with awakwforthedance, be yourself. Doing otherwise is just going to waste both your time and the person you are talking with. You certainly don't have to answer all the emails that come your way. Generally only about 1% of the emails a man sends out get answered, and a fair # of those will be "thanks but no thanks".
Learn to read between the lines. When I see a profile that has nothing to say about the potential for intimacy or that reads the relationship will be platonic I move on. If you have no interest in a physical component in the relationship you should find a way to communicate that in your profile.
On Plenty of Fish there are a # of ways to state why you are at the site. One of them is "Just wants to date". Other sites may have a similar option. If you think that you might at some point like a bit of "up close and personal" find a way to say it.
And a personal pet peeve of mine. DO NOT use a picture of yourself taken 20 or 30 years ago as your primary profile picture.
The Meetup suggestions sound like a good option for easing your way back into mixed company.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2017 15:03:05 GMT -5
"Is it ok to arrange to have coffee after a couple of messages?"
Yes. And it's wise so you don't waste your time. Put time constraints on the date -- say you have an appointment to go to afterward. Do not plan an all day adventure! One woman on the previous site like this drove an hour to pick up the man, a stranger (do not ride with a stranger!). He gave her a wet kiss as a greeting and she didn't want to seem cold so accepted it. He took her to a cheap buffet than had her pick up his kid from school and cook dinner for them in his filthy kitchen! Do not let yourself be used like that!
Drive your own car and don't pick him up. Meet some place safe and convenient for you. Park your car nearby. Definitely find out the man's real name and where he works. Google him and check his social media to make sure he has no red flags.
If when you meet him anything seems off, leave! Don't worry about hurting his feelings!
And whatever you are drinking, keep your eye on it so he can't slip anything in it.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2017 15:37:46 GMT -5
"Is it ok to arrange to have coffee after a couple of messages?" Yes. And it's wise so you don't waste your time. Put time constraints on the date -- say you have an appointment to go to afterward. Do not plan an all day adventure! One woman on the previous site like this drove an hour to pick up the man, a stranger (do not ride with a stranger!). He gave her a wet kiss as a greeting and she didn't want to seem cold so accepted it. He took her to a cheap buffet than had her pick up his kid from school and cook dinner for them in his filthy kitchen! Do not let yourself be used like that! Drive your own car and don't pick him up. Meet some place safe and convenient for you. Park your car nearby. Definitely find out the man's real name and where he works. Google him and check his social media to make sure he has no red flags. If when you meet him anything seems off, leave! Don't worry about hurting his feelings! And whatever you are drinking, keep your eye on it so he can't slip anything in it. God, that last one...women do need to watch out for that shit. It barely occurred to me. |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 24, 2017 15:58:12 GMT -5
I am somewhat surprised that you are moving so quickly from divorcing to dating. Generally, it takes some time before one is able to put the dysfunction experienced in a SM behind them and to venture out into the dating realm. Not to be a jerk, but I have to respectfully disagree with this. It's okay to get out and live while one is also healing. It really is. I can't guarantee we actually find "love" in that state, but some of here on the boards have. They didn't take "time out" to heal, they kept living. Right into a new relationship. Some of those relationships work out, some don't. It's life. So, I will say it's okay to get out and live, just move slower than usual with major life-altering decisions (perhaps) while in this healing state. I say "perhaps" because - eh, there are really no rules in life. Do what feels best to you, but be true to you. The points that Northstarmom laid out actually do happen. I found myself more than once trying to be nice instead of being true to myself. Be true to yourself. This is your time. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 24, 2017 18:30:09 GMT -5
I agree with WindSister Sometimes seeing people and having them provide validation that you were not the crazy one for needing the physical touch is healing and that can't happen when you stay at home. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 24, 2017 21:31:14 GMT -5
@rosie, my completely unqualified advice... find a way to pre-filter the guys who are just casting a wide net and too lazy to make an effort. If I'm guessing right, a wink or a poke requires no more effort than clicking a button. Don't do their work for them.
My thought would be to put some details in your profile and expect them to respond to it in their initial contact. You could even say so. Don't let them get away with being indescriminate and putting the onus on you to make first contact. You deserve better than a guy who can't be bothered to do any homework before approaching you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2017 4:10:48 GMT -5
You’re all an amazing font of knowledge - I really appreciate your wise, kind advice. Slipping a mickey finn - oh my word I would never have dreamt... Good idea about pre filtering too, I was more concerned about not offending anyone at first but I’m seeing it’s about deleting/blocking as much as replying. It’s a revelation - there are some strange folk about and no mistake. And starting a Meetup... I’ll look in to that. There aren’t any in my small town. There’s one in the next town but I couldn’t physically join in any of their activities. I’m sure they’d be nice about it and try and fit me in but I couldn’t bear that I put people out. The lady driving all that way to cook and clean - that’s some brass neck the guy had. Thing is I have a chronic illness and just can’t physically do much. I’m able to go out maybe once a week during the good times, other times I could be housebound for 3 months. The dating site I joined asks in the profile/sign up what it is you’re looking for and ‘friendship’ is one of the 3 options. I I point out that I’m looking for friendship to those I reply to. The chap I’m meeting for coffee lives just 5 miles from me and the coffee shop is 20mins down the rd from where I live - he’s arty like me so we’ll have something to chat about and to be honest it will give me something else to think about - good or bad. I’m going to enjoy this if I can - boy the compliments alone are a revelation. I don’t think I'm moving on quickly, worksforme2, I’m not moving on in relationship terms I’m joining the land of the everyday folk again and making friends. I’ve had 20years to get used to being on my own which is a big chunk out of anyone’s life to hang around hoping for change so needs must. Thanks folks, you’re lovely. |
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I could do with the company tbh and put on my profile that I’m looking for friendship. 
