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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 13:53:42 GMT -5
Not to be a jerk, but I have to respectfully disagree with this. It's okay to get out and live while one is also healing. It really is. I can't guarantee we actually find "love" in that state, but some of here on the boards have. They didn't take "time out" to heal, they kept living. Right into a new relationship. Some of those relationships work out, some don't. It's life. So, I will say it's okay to get out and live, just move slower than usual with major life-altering decisions (perhaps) while in this healing state. I say "perhaps" because - eh, there are really no rules in life. Do what feels best to you, but be true to you. The points that Northstarmom laid out actually do happen. I found myself more than once trying to be nice instead of being true to myself. Be true to yourself. This is your time.  For me, the getting out and learning to live once again was essential to my healing. According to the "experts" I shouldn't have dated for 1 month for every year married. So 20 months? After 3 years of celibacy? Apparently these experts are out of their fucking minds. This, and all of the other "scripts" society raises us to believe are part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. Currently, I'm not sure whether I should use the script for toilet paper or kindling (although not for both purposes...eeewwww). Lol I haven’t heard that before, and if that’s the case, I’m 4-months late. However, I have heard it takes one-year of healing for every 5-years of a SM. That’s 5-years for me, I still have 2.5-years to go. In reality, I think it’s an individual thing. Only we can know if we are ready to date regardless of what the “experts” say. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 13:57:47 GMT -5
I was turned off, too, by the, "hi beautiful," messages. I thought they were being fake, were sleazy and were using lines. It sounded like the guy was trying to pick me up in the street. Yes, that’s a real turn off. I actually grimace when I see those. It shows a lack of maturity and respect for an older woman, in my mind. It’s fine if it’s your SO, but not a stranger. I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?" If it is walks on the beach, yawn. If it is alligator wrestling, holy shit, she's crazy. Somewhere in between is where I want the answer (probably a tad closer to the alligator wrestling TBH). But I don't see any reason why the woman can't ask this question as she gets to know the guy. If their idea of what excites them most about life is something completely uninteresting to you, then the same is probably true about being exciting on a date. Next contestant, please. If you can't answer that question yourself, it seems that you need to make yourself more interesting to attract other interesting people. Lots of fish in the sea, but you ain't gonna catch the good ones with hot dogs as bait. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 13:59:46 GMT -5
shamwow said: “Dating was hard enough without a bunch of PTSD shit thrown into the mix.” That’s the best description of how it really is (for some), I’ve seen. That’s exactly how it is for me.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 14:17:45 GMT -5
shamwow said: “Dating was hard enough without a bunch of PTSD shit thrown into the mix.” That’s the best description of how it really is (for some), I’ve seen. That’s exactly how it is for me. I think that pretty much everyone who arrives here and makes it out is damaged in one way or another. I am fortunate beyond belief to have found ballofconfusion, and she would agree that she was lucky to have found me. Last spring / summer as I went through my divorce, I leaned on her so heavily that I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. What I am sure of is that the damage would have continued to compound. Right now her divorce is at the same stage as mine was then and it is I who am supporting her. But for both of us, PTSD is not a bad analogy (not in any way claiming what we've gone through even compares to those who suffer PTSD from military battle, of course). |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 14:18:48 GMT -5
Yes, that’s a real turn off. I actually grimace when I see those. It shows a lack of maturity and respect for an older woman, in my mind. It’s fine if it’s your SO, but not a stranger. I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?" If it is walks on the beach, yawn. If it is alligator wrestling, holy shit, she's crazy. Somewhere in between is where I want the answer (probably a tad closer to the alligator wrestling TBH). But I don't see any reason why the woman can't ask this question as she gets to know the guy. If their idea of what excites them most about life is something completely uninteresting to you, then the same is probably true about being exciting on a date. Next contestant, please. If you can't answer that question yourself, it seems that you need to make yourself more interesting to attract other interesting people. Lots of fish in the sea, but you ain't gonna catch the good ones with hot dogs as bait. OKAY?? .... BUT....what if your answer to "what excites you most about life?" is ..".sex".Does that put someone in the "high beautiful" category? Asking for a friend.  |
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 14:29:08 GMT -5
Yes, that’s a real turn off. I actually grimace when I see those. It shows a lack of maturity and respect for an older woman, in my mind. It’s fine if it’s your SO, but not a stranger. I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?" If it is walks on the beach, yawn. If it is alligator wrestling, holy shit, she's crazy. Somewhere in between is where I want the answer (probably a tad closer to the alligator wrestling TBH). But I don't see any reason why the woman can't ask this question as she gets to know the guy. If their idea of what excites them most about life is something completely uninteresting to you, then the same is probably true about being exciting on a date. Next contestant, please. If you can't answer that question yourself, it seems that you need to make yourself more interesting to attract other interesting people. Lots of fish in the sea, but you ain't gonna catch the good ones with hot dogs as bait. That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, even though I have my own interests, I have lost enthusiasm for life. Whenever, I see a profile that says, “fun loving,” “loves to laugh,” “happy,” and all that fluff, I know I’m not for him, so I don’t respond. I take myself out of the running. You spoke of dating and PTSD, in another post, and that’s where I am. After 25-years of that hell-hole, along with other major events that changed my life forever, I was totally burnt out, and I still am. That’s not to say, I can’t have fun, or laugh, or feel happy, I can, but it’s rare these days, probably because I’m alone all the time. It’s the mental and emotional energy that’s gone from me. My mind grows weary very fast, and it will turn itself off, if it becomes too stressed. When that happens, I can no longer function, so I must take respite in silence. It helps being a Buddhist living in silence and solitude, or else I’d go mad. So, me being the person I am, a quiet, meditative, reflective, half-arsed Buddhist requires a special kind of man, one who is alone too, and not too much of this world. He also has to be very patient, given all the PTSD baggage, I’m carrying. So yeah, I’m not excited about life, these days. Being excited is antithetical to living in Mindfulness, although I do get excited sometimes waiting for Amaz*on to deliver my new workout DVDs. As for changing to become more interesting? The way I see it, the “right” guy won’t need me to change because I’ll be interesting enough as I am, if we have interests in common, so I’m not sweating that stuff. I like who I am, so I’m not changing for anyone, and if that means spending the rest of my life alone, so be it. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 14:31:59 GMT -5
shamwow, there is something called CPTSD. It’s a form of PTSD for those who have suffered in abusive relationships.
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 14:38:13 GMT -5
I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?" If it is walks on the beach, yawn. If it is alligator wrestling, holy shit, she's crazy. Somewhere in between is where I want the answer (probably a tad closer to the alligator wrestling TBH). But I don't see any reason why the woman can't ask this question as she gets to know the guy. If their idea of what excites them most about life is something completely uninteresting to you, then the same is probably true about being exciting on a date. Next contestant, please. If you can't answer that question yourself, it seems that you need to make yourself more interesting to attract other interesting people. Lots of fish in the sea, but you ain't gonna catch the good ones with hot dogs as bait. OKAY?? .... BUT....what if your answer to "what excites you most about life?" is ..".sex".Does that put someone in the "high beautiful" category? Asking for a friend. If I got a “Hi beautiful” from a stranger whose excitement in life was “sex,” that would be a double grimace. That’s just me. 😜 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 14:42:04 GMT -5
Oh, and I never respond to messages that start, “Hi beautiful, honey, pretty lady, or other demeaning adjectives. When I was 20, 30, even 40, I didn’t mind so much, but in my 60s, I find it undignified. I believe a "high handsome" or " I get all wet looking at your pic" sent to me in a message, would be a big red flag turn off. I am going to ask this, even though I think I know the answer. Do you think you are judging a book by it's cover? I ask that because of the rough speaking hillbilly like people I met on the road when driving my rig. I went from associating with architects to talking with loading dock employees. As rash as they sounded there behavior was quiet different, especially when i needed help, directions, backing in, opening doors, loading freight, etc.... They where giving, helpful, people in my time of need. The architect crowd? Not so much..... personally I don't use words like that. I do find myself calling woman "dear". Even if i've known them a short time. the words "thank you dear" feel refreshing to say to a really special woman. Just throwing that out there. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 14:47:35 GMT -5
I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?" If it is walks on the beach, yawn. If it is alligator wrestling, holy shit, she's crazy. Somewhere in between is where I want the answer (probably a tad closer to the alligator wrestling TBH). But I don't see any reason why the woman can't ask this question as she gets to know the guy. If their idea of what excites them most about life is something completely uninteresting to you, then the same is probably true about being exciting on a date. Next contestant, please. If you can't answer that question yourself, it seems that you need to make yourself more interesting to attract other interesting people. Lots of fish in the sea, but you ain't gonna catch the good ones with hot dogs as bait. OKAY?? .... BUT....what if your answer to "what excites you most about life?" is ..".sex".Does that put someone in the "high beautiful" category? Asking for a friend. Are you saying your answer or their answer? In either case, I would take pause. Look, when I told my dad about my SM, he said something along the lines of "it's only sex" I was thinking "yeah, Dad, try going without for years on end". Now that I'm out I still think Dad was off the mark, but I do get what he is saying. You can only spend so many hours a day fucking. When you're in an SM, that doesn't sound like it would be a problem. But God, it is just as important that you "click" with your partner both in and out of bed. ballofconfusion and I will be clawing each other like savages from Friday to Sunday this week. But in between, I'm going to teach her a little bit more guitar. We are going to look at her taxes and try to figure out a few things about how the STBX mismanaged the finances. We will also go for a walk in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean (or so I hear). And we will head back to bed and make up for 45+ years of combined wasted years in a SM. The point of getting out of a SM is not exclusively to get laid. It is to learn once again how to live. You might be thinking that it is easy for me to say this with a beautiful woman in my arms. And, yes, it is easier for me to say that. But one of the main reasons I have a beautiful woman in my arms is that to paraphrase baza , I have handled much of my shit. I have dealt with many (but certainly not all) of my issues (alcoholic, porn addicted, angry motherfucker) and tried to make myself interesting. And as a result, I am loving life. My lady isn't some kind of FWB or a fuck buddy. She is also fun, loving, kind, and also interesting. For many years, we were both beaten down by life, but have made a choice to live, even when it's been hard to get out of bed. We make each other better. My lady and I have not shared all of our hopes and dreams with the forum, but we dream big. Will we achieve all of our dreams? Probably not. That's why they are dreams. Is everything roses? Nope. Sometimes I say things that hurt her feelings and I still live in a constant state of fear that I'm about to be kicked in the teeth for allowing myself to trust (although this is slowly abating). Is it easy to fly halfway across the country every couple weeks? Nope. But it is interesting. And it sure as hell feels like living. So "what excites me about life" isn't sex. It excites the hell out of me and it is definitely way at the top of the list. But what excites me is that for the first time in my fucking life, I'm living off-script. I'm not going off the deep end. I'm still taking care of the responsibilities I have. But it is tremendously exciting to know that the choices I have are mine alone and I will no longer be held down. That, my friend, is more exciting than fuck. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 14:56:34 GMT -5
Oh, and I never respond to messages that start, “Hi beautiful, honey, pretty lady, or other demeaning adjectives. When I was 20, 30, even 40, I didn’t mind so much, but in my 60s, I find it undignified. I believe a "high handsome" or " I get all wet looking at your pic" sent to me in a message, would be a big red flag turn off. I am going to ask this, even though I think I know the answer. Do you think you are judging a book by it's cover? I ask that because of the rough speaking hillbilly like people I met on the road when driving my rig. I went from associating with architects to talking with loading dock employees. As rash as they sounded there behavior was quiet different, especially when i needed help, directions, backing in, opening doors, loading freight, etc.... They where giving helpful people in my time of need. The architect crowd? Not so much..... personally I don't use words like that. I do find myself calling woman "dear". Even if i've known them a short time. the words "thank you dear" feel refreshing to say to a really special woman. Just throwing that out there. Am I judging a book by It’s cover? Yes. It’s the first impression of how a man addresses me as a mature and respectful woman. As to whether he’s a professional or a blue collar worker, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s the man himself, his character, his values, and if there is a connection and attraction. I do find leadership ability, and confidence, attractive in a man, so how that equates to his job may be telling. All I know is I wasted 25-years of my prime of life, and now, I have an aversion to wasting one minute more on someone who turns me off, especially on first impressions. I’m sure I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 14:57:00 GMT -5
OKAY?? .... BUT....what if your answer to "what excites you most about life?" is ..".sex".Does that put someone in the "high beautiful" category? Asking for a friend. If I got a “Hi beautiful” from a stranger whose excitement in life was “sex,” that would be a double grimace. That’s just me. 😜 That's understandable!! However "sex and intimacy" was one of the first things that came to my mind when I saw that question. Especially when I look back on my life and remember some of my most meaningful memorable events. Yet at the same time, that does not mean at all, that sex is all I want. Nor is it something to be dismissed. What it should show is what a precious gift it is to receive sex and offer sex to someone else, probably not something you easily convey in a one word answer to a dating sight question. I am preaching to the choir!! |
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Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 15:05:13 GMT -5
If I got a “Hi beautiful” from a stranger whose excitement in life was “sex,” that would be a double grimace. That’s just me. 😜 That's understandable!! However "sex and intimacy" was one of the first things that came to my mind when I saw that question. Especially when I look back on my life and remember some of my most meaningful memorable events. Yet at the same time, that does not mean at all, that sex is all I want. Nor is it something to be dismissed. What it should show is what a precious gift it is to receive sex and offer sex to someone else, probably not something you easily convey in a one word answer to a dating sight question. I am preaching to the choir!! I don’t blame anyone for finding sex and intimacy exciting, especially being in a SM hell-hole all those years. My thing is the context...a first impression on a dating site with a stranger. Now, if I am on AM, and my purpose is to find a FWB, then it’s different, but I’m not on AM, and I’m wanting a mature and respectful man for a relationship or friend, not a FWB, so It’s all in the context. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 15:33:52 GMT -5
I believe a "high handsome" or " I get all wet looking at your pic" sent to me in a message, would be a big red flag turn off. I am going to ask this, even though I think I know the answer. Do you think you are judging a book by it's cover? I ask that because of the rough speaking hillbilly like people I met on the road when driving my rig. I went from associating with architects to talking with loading dock employees. As rash as they sounded there behavior was quiet different, especially when i needed help, directions, backing in, opening doors, loading freight, etc.... They where giving helpful people in my time of need. The architect crowd? Not so much..... personally I don't use words like that. I do find myself calling woman "dear". Even if i've known them a short time. the words "thank you dear" feel refreshing to say to a really special woman. Just throwing that out there. Am I judging a book by It’s cover? Yes. It’s the first impression of how a man addresses me as a mature and respectful woman. As to whether he’s a professional or a blue collar worker, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s the man himself, his character, his values, and if there is a connection and attraction. I do find leadership ability, and confidence, attractive in a man, so how that equates to his job may be telling. All I know is I wasted 25-years of my prime of life, and now, I have an aversion to wasting one minute more on someone who turns me off, especially on first impressions. I’m sure I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. Well ,friend (dear) I think that's a big difference in actually meeting someone,-like your experience at the store- compared to a few words on a dating site. I agree first impressions are ....well, very impressionable! What's that saying? You only get one chance to make a first impression, so make it a good one. I am sure in your life you have had examples where people gave you a not so favorable first impression, but you ended up liking them after you got to know them. Aint life fun? |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2017 16:38:34 GMT -5
"I guess for me, my initial question would be "what excites you most about life?"
That's the kind of thing I put in my profile: activities that make me happy. I presented myself truthfully as a gregarious person involved in a variety of arts and political activities. I was interested in connecting with someone similarly engaged in life, not a man who was passive hoping for a woman to enliven his life.
I wanted to connect with a happy man with friends and hobbies.
A turnoff: men with pictures of them holding big, dead fish. Not something to attract me or most women. Such a picture looks like a guy who'd want to spend s lot of time going off hunting or fishing with other guys. I'm not a cave woman looking for a hunter.
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