|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 12:42:38 GMT -5
I’m also in my 60s, and have been on one dating site for 4-months. I’ve never gone on a date. I tend to ignore most messages, and there are not many of them. I can go weeks without receiving one message, then they seem to come all at once.
I ignore those that say “Hi,” or “Hi, how are you?” If I’m interested in someone, I write something about their profile that I like, so I would expect someone worth my time to read my profile, at least.
I get a lot of scam artists or fakes. They stick out like a sore thumb. I ignore and delete. The only advice I have is to go with your gut feeling, your intuition. If you think “what am I doing talking to this person,”or you interact with someone where it’s like pulling teeth to get more than a one sentence response, and they take hours to respond with one word, or one sentence, then I ignore and delete.
It’s a bit daunting at first, but if you know what your purpose is for being there, and stick to your own standards and boundaries, you’ll be okay.
Good luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2017 12:43:15 GMT -5
And, no, you don't have to respond to any online overture. I ignored winks and one word messages. I assumed the sender was either impossibly shy, stupid or too lazy to write something that would tell me about him and what attracted him to me. I assumed the winkers sent winks at random.
If a man sent a nice personal note, but I wasn't interested, I'd respond with a "thank -you, sorry not interested."
I also reached out to men who interested me. That was what I liked best: feeling like I didn't need to just wait to be noticed like a girl hoping that at a party some guy would ask her to dance. I also could reach out to men. And I did just that. As one would guess, some were interested. Some weren't. Four years later, I still maintain a FB platonic friendship with one interesting guy who lived 1,000 miles away. He was too far away to bother meeting in person. But he's a great online friend who shares my political and artistic interests.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 12:49:18 GMT -5
Oh, and I never respond to messages that start, “Hi beautiful, honey, pretty lady, or other demeaning adjectives. When I was 20, 30, even 40, I didn’t mind so much, but in my 60s, I find it undignified.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 13:00:02 GMT -5
And, no, you don't have to respond to any online overture. I ignored winks and one word messages.?I assumed the sender was either impossibly shy, stupid or too lazy to write something that would tell me about him and what attracted him to me. I assumed the winkers sent winks at random. If a man sent a nice personal note, but I wasn't interested, I'd respond with a "thank -you, sorry not interested." I also reached out to men who interested me. That was what I liked best: feeling like I didn't need to just wait to be noticed like a girl hoping that at a party some guy would ask her to dance. I also could reach out to men. And I did just that. As one would guess, some were interested. Some weren't. Four years later, I still maintain a FB platonic friendship with one interesting guy who lived 1,000 miles away. He was too far away to bother meeting in person. But he's a great online friend who shares my political and artistic interests. Interesting that you mention this. As a side bonus of being on this forum -and I admit to posting,almost daily-I have reached out to others who interest me through personal messages. I do my best to give to someone else. I also find myself asking for approval, recognition, advice and compliments in return. A good exercise in giving and receiving. Of course barriers come in the way, many of my own, things like location, distance, marital status, children, etc.... I Don't regret any of it! All good - practice dating, if you will- with what is a very sincere , honest, caring, group of people. Hopefully a good exercize for more face to face real world experiences. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2017 13:00:35 GMT -5
I was turned off, too, by the, "hi beautiful," messages. I thought they were being fake, were sleazy and were using lines. It sounded like the guy was trying to pick me up in the street.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 13:13:27 GMT -5
Well I’ve done the years and years of misery in a iliasm and the heartache so decided to join an online dating site. I’m a lot bit out of my depth so any advice would be very welcome. It feels so weird and plain wrong to be doing this but I’m going to persevere - I can’t go under so there’s no option. Do I have to reply to everybody who just winks or says hi or just messages a couple of words - what’s the protocol? I think I’m in danger of just messaging the guys I feel sorry for - story of my life. Is it ok to arrange to have coffee after a couple of messages? I figure I’m in my 60s so no point messing about.  I could do with the company tbh and put on my profile that I’m looking for friendship. Here is a suggestion for you. In the USA every state has a Watercolor Society. I joined my local county Watercolor society. My experience was that I was the only man there many times. Also being in my mid 40's I was the youngest person there. Most of the ladies there where of retirement age. That did not stop me from meeting wonderful people, getting to serve- a lot chairs, tables, set up, etc..- and learn a lot. Something you could look into in your area? You may be surprised how many of the ladies have their own stories about dating again! |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2017 13:26:46 GMT -5
I've taken several art classes during the past 10 years. At 66 now, I'm still one of the younger participants. Not one man has taken any of the classes I took-- painting, drawing. I didn't take the classes, however, to meet men but to learn art. The closest any of the women talked about dating was when they discussed with a bit of disdain a Golden Girls episode when one of the widowed women considered having sex again. Because I'm living with a man I think the women in that class view me as a hussy. They mainly talked about their illnesses, husband's and grandkids. I hope more interesting people take art classes in your area.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 13:27:58 GMT -5
I am somewhat surprised that you are moving so quickly from divorcing to dating. Generally, it takes some time before one is able to put the dysfunction experienced in a SM behind them and to venture out into the dating realm. Not to be a jerk, but I have to respectfully disagree with this. It's okay to get out and live while one is also healing. It really is. I can't guarantee we actually find "love" in that state, but some of here on the boards have. They didn't take "time out" to heal, they kept living. Right into a new relationship. Some of those relationships work out, some don't. It's life. So, I will say it's okay to get out and live, just move slower than usual with major life-altering decisions (perhaps) while in this healing state. I say "perhaps" because - eh, there are really no rules in life. Do what feels best to you, but be true to you. The points that Northstarmom laid out actually do happen. I found myself more than once trying to be nice instead of being true to myself. Be true to yourself. This is your time. For me, the getting out and learning to live once again was essential to my healing. According to the "experts" I shouldn't have dated for 1 month for every year married. So 20 months? After 3 years of celibacy? Apparently these experts are out of their fucking minds. This, and all of the other "scripts" society raises us to believe are part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. Currently, I'm not sure whether I should use the script for toilet paper or kindling (although not for both purposes...eeewwww). |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2017 13:30:46 GMT -5
Well that didn’t last long, I can’t do it I’m afraid. I’ve just had it with the sleaze and the married men and the flipping 21 year old kids.
A couple of the men seemed and looked quite ‘normal’ but at the first opportunity during an initial chat it was like talking to Benny Hill.
Thanks for the tips, folks, I’m taking in the advice here and will maybe try again when hell freezes over[s/] later.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Oct 25, 2017 13:31:20 GMT -5
Not to be a jerk, but I have to respectfully disagree with this. It's okay to get out and live while one is also healing. It really is. I can't guarantee we actually find "love" in that state, but some of here on the boards have. They didn't take "time out" to heal, they kept living. Right into a new relationship. Some of those relationships work out, some don't. It's life. So, I will say it's okay to get out and live, just move slower than usual with major life-altering decisions (perhaps) while in this healing state. I say "perhaps" because - eh, there are really no rules in life. Do what feels best to you, but be true to you. The points that Northstarmom laid out actually do happen. I found myself more than once trying to be nice instead of being true to myself. Be true to yourself. This is your time. For me, the getting out and learning to live once again was essential to my healing. According to the "experts" I shouldn't have dated for 1 month for every year married. So 20 months? After 3 years of celibacy? Apparently these experts are out of their fucking minds. This, and all of the other "scripts" society raises us to believe are part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. Currently, I'm not sure whether I should use the script for toilet paper or kindling (although not for both purposes...eeewwww). Maybe in a bag on her front porch? |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Oct 25, 2017 13:37:52 GMT -5
Well that didn’t last long, I can’t do it I’m afraid. I’ve just had it with the sleaze and the married men and the flipping 21 year old kids. A couple of the men seemed and looked quite ‘normal’ but at the first opportunity during an initial chat it was like talking to Benny Hill. Thanks for the tips, folks, I’m taking in the advice here and will maybe try again when hell freezes over[s/] later.
That's about how long my mom lasted when she tried many moons ago before meeting her boyfriend (or "re-meeting," they dated in high school). I know it can be a shock for your age group - not trying to patronize, it's a fact I have seen time and time again. I wont' try to convince you to keep trying, do what feels best. What dating site was it? That really does make a difference. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 13:41:52 GMT -5
I've taken several art classes during the past 10 years. At 66 now, I'm still one of the younger participants. Not one man has taken any of the classes I took-- painting, drawing. I didn't take the classes, however, to meet men but to learn art. The closest any of the women talked about dating was when they discussed with a bit of disdain a Golden Girls episode when one of the widowed women considered having sex again. Because I'm living with a man I think the women in that class view me as a hussy. They mainly talked about their illnesses, husband's and grandkids. I hope more interesting people take art classes in your area. Being in my mid 40's, a father of 6 ,and a man ,I was probably given a different reception than most ladies in their late 50's early 60's would get. Sadly their seemed to be resentment and jealousy when I received awards and prizes with only less than a years experience, compared to many of the ladies who had been painting for 30 yrs. That's a whole nother topic!! |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 13:44:06 GMT -5
For me, the getting out and learning to live once again was essential to my healing. According to the "experts" I shouldn't have dated for 1 month for every year married. So 20 months? After 3 years of celibacy? Apparently these experts are out of their fucking minds. This, and all of the other "scripts" society raises us to believe are part of the reason I'm in this situation to begin with. Currently, I'm not sure whether I should use the script for toilet paper or kindling (although not for both purposes...eeewwww). Maybe in a bag on her front porch? Ha! |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 25, 2017 13:44:23 GMT -5
I was turned off, too, by the, "hi beautiful," messages. I thought they were being fake, were sleazy and were using lines. It sounded like the guy was trying to pick me up in the street. Yes, that’s a real turn off. I actually grimace when I see those. It shows a lack of maturity and respect for an older woman, in my mind. It’s fine if it’s your SO, but not a stranger. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 25, 2017 13:50:20 GMT -5
Well that didn’t last long, I can’t do it I’m afraid. I’ve just had it with the sleaze and the married men and the flipping 21 year old kids. A couple of the men seemed and looked quite ‘normal’ but at the first opportunity during an initial chat it was like talking to Benny Hill. Thanks for the tips, folks, I’m taking in the advice here and will maybe try again when hell freezes over[s/] later.
Benny Hill was pretty funny. One book you may want to read is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". He does talk about dating (among other things), and the benefits of rejection / rejecting, so long as it happens quick. It's really hard to win at a game you refuse to play (unless you decide the game isn't worth playing after all). But I respect your decision. Both men and women have different challenges in the post-SM dating world. Dating was hard enough without a bunch of PTSD shit thrown into the mix. |
|
I could do with the company tbh and put on my profile that I’m looking for friendship. 
