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Post by DryCreek on Apr 9, 2016 0:40:08 GMT -5
My wife, if asked what she provides for me, will provide a litany of great things she provides (taking care of the kids, cooking yummy food, cleaning my clothes and house, paying the bills, etc.). But I'm pretty sure she understands that ALL of it except for the kids part can be bought or I can do it myself. This has been one of my biggest beefs. I can buy all those things unemotionally, and for far less than half my earnings. I want the part of marriage that's exclusive to the couple. In "love language" terms, they seem to place importance on "acts of service" and neglect or refuse "touch". She sees what she's doing. She just realized that she'd lost the ability to monitor your activity and keep you in check. It's sad, the effort that will be spent to avoid doing something. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 9:11:21 GMT -5
This thread fascinates me and I finally just figured out why - my STBX never SAID anything cruel to me. In fact, one of our biggest problems was that he would never say anything at all when I would confront him about our sexlessness. He is the master of the non-response and his cruelty came straight out of that. I can remember dressing in a very sexy fashion once when we were staying in a hotel overnight for a big Christmas party with his company. He looked right through me, as if I were wearing sweats and a big tshirt instead of the gorgeous lingerie I had chosen with so much care. I was crushed and I felt like a fool. He never needed words to destroy me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2016 10:08:57 GMT -5
. I can remember dressing in a very sexy fashion once when we were staying in a hotel overnight for a big Christmas party with his company. He looked right through me, as if I were wearing sweats and a big tshirt instead of the gorgeous lingerie I On that same note, last night I got dressed up for our kids presentation of, " Alice in Wonderland" everything but the tie. My wife said to me aren't you handsome! ( reading it I realize it sounds like a question!) I hesitated, and said quietly " thank you!". My knee jerk thought was, and what difference does it make to you , in any way? You wouldn't know what to do with a handsome man! And if there is any truth to your statement, then why do you turn around and ignore me? Honestly, I'd rather hear nothing! Number 21 reason to rather live with someone else or be alone. we have reached that tipping point where, even if she threw herself all over me, naked, I would pull away, and say, don't, I don't trust you! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 10:28:07 GMT -5
we have reached that tipping point where, even if she threw herself all over me, naked, I would pull away, and say, don't, I don't trust you! I remember getting to that point myself - it was a huge shock to me to realize that even if he wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn't do it. In fact, the idea made my stomach turn - not because I find him physically repulsive, but because there is no way I would ever trust him enough to let him touch me in any kind of intimate way. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2016 10:54:59 GMT -5
we have reached that tipping point where, even if she threw herself all over me, naked, I would pull away, and say, don't, I don't trust you! I remember getting to that point myself - it was a huge shock to me to realize that even if he wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn't do it. In fact, the idea made my stomach turn - not because I find him physically repulsive, but because there is no way I would ever trust him enough to let him touch me in any kind of intimate way. "Trust" is a key word. The doubt that comes after a reset, is strong. ( like coming over to the dark side!) the same person you used to trust with your secrets, and emotions, now has you questioning all there motives. I remember all the touching, and courting I did two months after the reset. Only to have her lay there like a stone, tell me," that felt really nice" as she is falling asleep! ( it relaxes her, while it stimulates me!) then I say to her, " yes it did, too bad you won't follow through on anything, sigh...we'll talk about it in the morning!" That was the final nail. The need is stronger than ever, but the trust, and desire for her is gone. I almost find her " repulsive" and want to be away from the house! ( I think we relate....sorry to say that,... Hugs to you! Let me encourage you in any way I can,) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2016 11:17:12 GMT -5
I no longer try to plan any kind of travel with her. There is NOTHING worse than being shoved up in a hotel room with your refuser. I could manage it all when the kids were still with us, but now that it's empty nest, I am NOT staying in a hotel room with this woman ever again. In fact, the thought that now this is killing my interest in traveling (and I do love my traveling) is REALLY pushing me hard to blow this thing wide open and be gone. I have lost ALL interest in my interests over the years.......I just can't find the peace needed to enjoy any of them anymore. This is so bad, it's no longer on her, or 'her fault'.......this is now squarely on me. My life is MY responsibility. So..........see ya later! Bumble, Amen on this one. I would love to travel to some great places, but getting there and not getting enjoy travel sex, yeah, never mind. I will stay home. Our BIG trip back to China, keeps coming up. ( my wife plans it out with no communication to me what so ever) I told our therapist in front of her. " I don't want to be with someone who says, I don't love you,I have detached myself from you for years, your talk is just useless dribble, etc.." I then mentioned the only reason she even thinks about me going is to cary all the luggage! |
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Post by winter on Apr 9, 2016 11:46:22 GMT -5
FINALLY!!! I finally found out why my husband of 3 years resents me and refuses to have sex! It came out last night despite two therapists later.
I am not as tidy as he'd like. He also told the first therapist this. He told her I was clean but not organized. She said sounds like you want a maid not a partner. I agree I am scatter brained but I'm very clean. I just completed a Masters program last month. Which required a one year internship. I worked full time while I did that. But that was no excuse according to him!
He said so what I go to work and school too. I forgot to mention I'm also 8 months pregnant. I was going to start my Phd this fall but NOPE I need to worry more about counter tops and bleaching floors. My plan is to leave in one year... This is degrading.
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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 13:07:02 GMT -5
FINALLY!!! I finally found out why my husband of 3 years resents me and refuses to have sex! It came out last night despite two therapists later. I am not as tidy as he'd like. He also told the first therapist this. He told her I was clean but not organized. She said sounds like you want a maid not a partner. I agree I am scatter brained but I'm very clean. I just completed a Masters program last month. Which required a one year internship. I worked full time while I did that. But that was no excuse according to him! He said so what I go to work and school too. I forgot to mention I'm also 8 months pregnant. I was going to start my Phd this fall but NOPE I need to worry more about counter tops and bleaching floors. My plan is to leave in one year... This is degrading. Winter: welcome to the forum, and thank you for you first post. I'm glad you feel like you have "an answer"... but be wary of the "why chasing": that is, attempting to figure out why your spouse is sexless in order to "fix" that about you, with the idea that that will restore sex in the marriage. All too often, any given "why" might be somewhat informative if you are trying to restore basic marital harmony, but it is NOT necessarily the path to sex. It sounds like you've already sort of figured this out, as it sounds you already have a plan to leave. While we are on the subject, however, I'll add a "why" for you (or him) to consider: "If bleached counter tops and floors are important to him... why isn't HE doing that?" |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 9, 2016 14:32:13 GMT -5
My XH said 'Am I expected to perform?' when I booked a hotel for the weekend. He also told me that I looked ridiculous in sexy underwear. He would ignore me, laugh at me or get angry. It was difficult to predict but I always knew it would include no. As others have commented he seemed to think that providing everything but sex was fine. Although I'm now in another sexless relationship I still get a lot of attention outside it  And my XH takes me out dinner and makes puppy eyes ..........  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 19:58:49 GMT -5
My XH said 'Am I expected to perform?' when I booked a hotel for the weekend. He also told me that I looked ridiculous in sexy underwear. He would ignore me, laugh at me or get angry. It was difficult to predict but I always knew it would include no. As others have commented he seemed to think that providing everything but sex was fine. Although I'm now in another sexless relationship I still get a lot of attention outside it And my XH takes me out dinner and makes puppy eyes .......... "Am I expected to perform?" Ouch. My refuser never said it in so many words, but it was obvious he was thinking that. And I'd be there, falling out of my top, and he would act like he didn't even see. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 9, 2016 21:27:53 GMT -5
And I'd be there, falling out of my top, and he would act like he didn't even see. We have established the term "bacon scented candles" as a code word for "the things we've tried to spice up the sex life that just didn't work." Given Mathdoll's and Kat's account of sexy clothing options worn to no avail, I feel we might have a new ILIASM euphemism: "intentional wardrobe malfunction". As in: "My refuser was unfazed by my intentional wardrobe malfunction." |
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Moetse Tau
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Apr 9, 2016 23:02:00 GMT -5
There are certain things I wear that, when I am out, I get plenty of looks and flirting from other women, then go home, and cant even get a second look, or anything said, besides 'can you make me some _______, or can you get me ______?' (fill int the blank)
At one point, I was at a convention all weekend and the dress code called for western type wear. I was wearing some jeans that were tighter than normal, and had many looks, lots of flirting, and at one point a beauty that was 15 years younger than I let me know in no uncertain terms that she was very interested.
Out of curiosity, and because I was still pondering saving the marriage, I took a couple of 'hot shot' selfies of how I 'filled out' the jeans and sent them to my wife...Nothin...nada...zero...zip...zilch. When I asked about it later, she said something to the effect that she didnt want to encourage me or wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine. Meaning, I guess, that since I didnt pay attention to her, she had no comment on the pix.
Honestly, I quit listening halfway through, and thought, 'damn, I sent the pix to the wrong person'.
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Moetse Tau
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by Moetse Tau on Apr 9, 2016 23:27:30 GMT -5
And I'd be there, falling out of my top, and he would act like he didn't even see. We have established the term "bacon scented candles" as a code word for "the things we've tried to spice up the sex life that just didn't work." Given Mathdoll's and Kat's account of sexy clothing options worn to no avail, I feel we might have a new ILIASM euphemism: "intentional wardrobe malfunction". As in: "My refuser was unfazed by my intentional wardrobe malfunction." Just to add this as well. Dan, while I do love word play, Kats comment on 'falling out of her top' definitely did not make me think of playing with words.  |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 10, 2016 7:41:29 GMT -5
My XH said 'Am I expected to perform?' when I booked a hotel for the weekend. He also told me that I looked ridiculous in sexy underwear. He would ignore me, laugh at me or get angry. It was difficult to predict but I always knew it would include no. As others have commented he seemed to think that providing everything but sex was fine. Although I'm now in another sexless relationship I still get a lot of attention outside it And my XH takes me out dinner and makes puppy eyes .......... "Am I expected to perform?" Ouch. My refuser never said it in so many words, but it was obvious he was thinking that. And I'd be there, falling out of my top, and he would act like he didn't even see. Sorry, i stopped reading at "falling out of my top". I'll just assume you said something smart. |
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TheBumble
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 11, 2016 22:46:33 GMT -5
Why does "falling out of my top" elicit such strong feelings?!! UGH!!!!
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And my XH takes me out dinner and makes puppy eyes .......... 
