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Post by h on May 6, 2017 5:49:24 GMT -5
Last night after work my W decided that she wanted to clear the air. In the long car ride out to dinner, she reiterate that she believes that love is separate from sex. A high school boyfriend was getting ready to break up with her and thought that sex would fix their relationship problems but ended up breaking it off anyway. Right off, her first experience with sex was negative so her mind is made up forever... Add to that the fact that both of her parents cheated on each other and she has a very difficult set of mental issues to deal with.
She told me that she won't apologize for her beliefs and that I had no right to tell her that her beliefs were wrong. She told me again that sex is still painful for her and that she is afraid of getting UTI's for which she is prone. She made some excuses about us being on our phones all the time and that was why we were never intimate in other non-intercourse ways. She made the suggestion that the bedroom be a technology free area. She seemed open to trying more to do things other than intercourse but has said similar things before with little follow through.
She will be gone to work this afternoon and evening and I plan to use that time to write a response so that she can't get me sidetracked with rebuttal in the middle. Some points I will make:
She said I have no right to tell her that her beliefs are wrong. It works both ways.
She blamed her past for forming her beliefs. I refuse to spend the rest of my life being punished for the mistakes of every other male in her life. I have always been faithful to her and never asked her for sex until after we were married. I demand that she go to individual counseling and that we go to a marriage counselor together to sort through all this.
She blames the physical issues. I demand that she see a doctor and I want to go with her so I can hear what is said.
Lastly, physical and sexual intimacy is a huge part of what makes me the man I am . By her saying that it's not important, she is saying that a huge part of ME is not important to her. It's not just rejecting sex, it's rejecting the person I am. Sex is important to me. I felt it was such a special and personal part of my identity that I made the decision to save that part of myself for the woman I was going to share the rest of my life with. Now, when I offer to share that special and personal part of myself, I am told that it is worthless and undesirable. These are my beliefs and she has no right to tell me I am wrong.
If anyone here sees something I left out or something from another thread that I forgot, please let me know.
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Post by h on May 6, 2017 6:18:35 GMT -5
Going to be with her most of the day so I won't be back on until she leaves the house. See everyone later.
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Post by merrygoround on May 6, 2017 6:38:37 GMT -5
h, i think that's a pretty comprehensive list stating very clearly your side and what you expect. By the way, was any of the issues regarding her attitude to sex discussed prior to marriage, or were you late to the game as in many cases? I wish you luck.
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Post by northstarmom on May 6, 2017 6:58:56 GMT -5
Responding will waste your time if what you hope is to change her. Your values about love, sex and marriage differ. Thus, you are permanently incompatible. She probably also is not a sex person. If she were, despite the early romantic rejection -- the type that many women have experienced yet went on to enjoy sex, her own body would be demanding that she have sex. Sex people belong with sex people.
Incidentally many women get utis when they first start having sex or when they have sex after a long hiatus. That doesn't keep most women from having sex.
I loathe lima beans. The thought of them makes me want to vomit.If my partner told me I had to love them and eat them frequently and enjoy eating them with him, I'd still hate lima beans. I might be able to choke them down, but I would still hate them even if my partner told me how nutritious they are.
You can't change your wife. You can recognize she is who she is. After recognizing that, you can choose to change your life by changing the things you control: your own actions.
Your wife has done you a favor by being honest about her dislike and disinterest in sex. You can choose to believe her or you can decide you know her better than she knows herself.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 6, 2017 7:12:56 GMT -5
One way to help prevent UTIs is to use the bathroom right after, to flush the pipes out.
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Post by baza on May 6, 2017 7:17:20 GMT -5
Like Sister northstarmom above, I think you are wasting your time mounting a rebuttal arguement for your missus. You could of course "win" such a debate, but to what purpose ? Clearly she doesn't want to root you. "Why" that might be doesn't particularly matter. One excuse is pretty much as good as another. You knocking down *todays* excuse will just prompt a different excuse *tomorrow*. This is NOT a situation of a wild sexual beast lurking in your missus, just waiting to be released if you can find the key to her door. There is no key. There is no door. She doesn't want to root you . |
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Post by bballgirl on May 6, 2017 7:51:24 GMT -5
And you should not apologize for your beliefs and the way that you feel loved.
80% of marriages are not celibate and marriage is about compromise all aspects of marriage.
I do not think your rebuttal has to be a long drawn out response but I do think you should respond.
When my ex tried to convince me not to divorce him in the nicest way my rebuttal was: "we are not compatible".
As far as UTI's in the past 2 years I had 2 because the sex was so good and so hot, and yes I didn't pee soon enough so @hopingforchange is spot on with that, it's an excuse not a reason. I would never give up sex because of a UTI. But she's entitled to her beliefs just like you are.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 8:26:15 GMT -5
I love the phrase "clearing the air" this just means they want their say. Then you say "my rebuttals" ... this isn't solving anything instead both setting up your own boundary lines.
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 6, 2017 8:44:41 GMT -5
If the goal of your response is to avail yourself of the opportunity to have your say, then by all means be as careful and meticulous as possible. But i'm not sure that I read a goal in your post. If you would like to achieve some middle ground with her, i don't read a willingness by her in your recounting of what she told you. It sounds more like she has told you what she is unwilling to do, whether you like it or not. If your goal is to stay with her, the conversation might benefit (or not) from the services of a professional intermediary.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 9:07:33 GMT -5
H,
Get out while the getting is good. I could not imagine going four years without sex.
This is no marriage for you. If your wife cared about you, she would meet your needs.
Your wife does not care about your feelings or needs. If you're honest with yourself, then you'll accept this. You're still young with no children. There are issues going on with you that make you accept this type of marriage. Do you really think a healthy emotional person who wants sex would stay in a SM? They would be out the door like your wife's other boyfriends.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 6, 2017 10:36:47 GMT -5
And you should not apologize for your beliefs and the way that you feel loved. 80% of marriages are not celibate and marriage is about compromise all aspects of marriage. I do not think your rebuttal has to be a long drawn out response but I do think you should respond. When my ex tried to convince me not to divorce him in the nicest way my rebuttal was: "we are not compatible". As far as UTI's in the past 2 years I had 2 because the sex was so good and so hot, and yes I didn't pee soon enough so @hopingforchange is spot on with that, it's an excuse not a reason. I would never give up sex because of a UTI. But she's entitled to her beliefs just like you are. Yep, after care is just as important. Wipe her with tissues to stop the dripping. Followed up with a warm washcloth. Let her go pee first followed by you, hopefully things have gone down to the point that you aren't spraying the towels on the back of the toilet. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 6, 2017 10:54:29 GMT -5
And you should not apologize for your beliefs and the way that you feel loved. 80% of marriages are not celibate and marriage is about compromise all aspects of marriage. I do not think your rebuttal has to be a long drawn out response but I do think you should respond. When my ex tried to convince me not to divorce him in the nicest way my rebuttal was: "we are not compatible". As far as UTI's in the past 2 years I had 2 because the sex was so good and so hot, and yes I didn't pee soon enough so @hopingforchange is spot on with that, it's an excuse not a reason. I would never give up sex because of a UTI. But she's entitled to her beliefs just like you are. Yep, after care is just as important. Wipe her with tissues to stop the dripping. Followed up with a warm washcloth. Let her go pee first followed by you, hopefully things have gone down to the point that you aren't spraying the towels on the back of the toilet. If it doesn't go down then new position- Round 2!!  |
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Post by csl on May 6, 2017 11:42:00 GMT -5
Reading today's post, with her talk about "her beliefs" and all, reminded me of something I wrote on my blog last year--you're married to a Sex Skeptic! |
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Post by h on May 6, 2017 12:39:47 GMT -5
h , i think that's a pretty comprehensive list stating very clearly your side and what you expect. By the way, was any of the issues regarding her attitude to sex discussed prior to marriage, or were you late to the game as in many cases? I wish you luck. The issues weren't discussed much at all prior to marriage. I knew that she was sexually active with one previous boyfriend but I was led to believe that the issue was in the past. As for her parents, that came out several years in. |
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Post by h on May 6, 2017 12:49:42 GMT -5
My goal in all this is to force the issue. If she decides to try counseling then maybe we can both benefit. If she refuses to deal with her past then I will have all the justification I need for a clean exit and still be able to maintain the few relationships with my friends and family that I do have left.
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