The talk-and how i respond

That is what I was looking for. 
If I was you, the key question is - if she refuses, is your exit plan thorough and fully thought out? 

You knocked it out of the park!  Great job.  She now can decide if she wants to hold onto her beliefs about sex, or stay married to you.

The first consequence would be not keeping up the facade any longer. For her, appearance is a big deal. Right now, everything looks fine to our friends and family. My own family likes her. Me going public with our issues to my family would put her in a spotlight that she wants to avoid. She ​has been telling everyone that we have been trying to have children for years. Big time lie since we rarely have intercourse.

Even her own close friends that she talks to about everything have made comments about her not being physically intimate with me more often. If they were to find out how long this has gone on and the true state of the relationship, they would be calling her out for some outright lies she has fed them. It would run some of her oldest friendships.

As of right now, neither of us have brought up divorce. She won't because she is financially dependent on me. That's why I'm not saying that word until absolutely last.

It sounds like you're frustrated but not really willing to enforce boundaries. What will happen is your strength and credibility will diminish each time you talk without actions backing it up. That goes double for letters. On your current path it's going to get worse before it gets better. Good luck. You'll need it.

I think ultimatums are a catch-22...  Forcing their hand is something one does to an adversary, not to someone who's supposed to be an intimate, trusted partner.  Can you really depend on them in the future when you won't always have the upper hand?

If you have to threaten nuclear annihilation to motivate your spouse to be intimate with you... they *really* didn't want to be intimate with you.  If they change now, was it really a wake-up call?  Or have they been forced to become a chameleon for the sake of survival?  And how could you know?

Suddenly, the tables are turned - now you're the one living a happy marriage, and they're miserable but putting up a façade.  Which, as we all know, takes its toll on a person and it can't last.  Until one day when *they're* the ones who press the big red button to escape.


Yes, philosophically, a person deserves to know the consequences of their actions / inactions.  However, in today's society it'd be disingenuous for someone to claim they didn't realize the very high probability of divorce as an outcome.

The refused spouse is obliged to be exceedingly vocal that they are very unhappy, and not stew silently or vaguely.   The refusing spouse owns a big piece of responsibility for closing that gap, and maybe this needs to be made painfully clear too.  But chasing them down with a stick and clubbing them into submission will not yield a long-term partnership.

Just my two cents,
DC

H
reading this thread, what comes across to me is that you have an overwhelming desire to make things work,while she does not. I'm (very sadly) of the opinion that no amount of counselling arguing or discussion will change the fact that a. she does not respect you enough to consider your needs and b. if any of the 'work' produces a fix, it will probably only be a short term one.
I've not been on this forum very long, but what I have learnt is that you are probably wasting your time, either in the short term, or the long term. So the action plan should be as lyn says, have an ultimatum to move towards achieving whats best for you're future.
I think people who enjoy sex are givers. The refusers are takers. We probably all just need to find other givers.
I hope I am wrong, and your ultimatum works. If it doesnt, we are all here for you

This is not an argument that can be won through a discussion. How does a person debate this?

She has clearly indicated that she does not wish to be intimate with you. She has offered a chaffe cloud of unresolvable reasons for this that are intended to argue YOU out of the position you have taken, by showing YOU to have unreasonable expectations.

Whether she agrees to have sex with you or not, she doesn't WANT to, and is strong in that belief, so even if she complies with the behavior you have requested, you have already seen her cards. She's willing to risk your feelings, override her own libido (for now, later she may choose to exercise it with someone whom she doesn't avoid), appear unreasonable and stubborn, and risk the marriage to avoid sex with you. If she DOES have sex with you, how do you suppose she is going to do it, to ensure that her goal of discouraging you from wanting it is met? She isn't going to speak up - she would have already. It doesn't serve her purpose. The most common response to this is a temporary minor change in behavior, while subverting your victory. You two are already in the spiral - you can't unknow that she doesn't want you.

Do you think if you were to divorce in a month or even separate, that it would be the end of sex for her for the rest of her life?
How fast do you think she'd have an ad up?
When you want to have sex with a person, you find a way, under the riskiest and most unlikely circumstances. People do it all the time.

This thing about your "stalemate" seems to falsely equivocate your positions, except that either person can unilaterally end the marriage. There is no balance of power and you don't need to agree on your course of action (it's very unlikely that two people ever agree here at the same time). Getting her to "see your side of it" isn't going to compel her to want you in a romantic way. It might, possibly, get her to see your justification in leaving - but even then it's a long shot - AND DOESN'T CHANGE THE RESULT.

My sense in all of this is that once you come to the realization that is coalescing, and accept it, that you are really just seeking absolution. That, I understand. By being the one who is "right", you feel that you will get a social advantage.

The way this goes down, though, is that she will make up her own narrative that justifies her stance, and she will explain it in company when you aren't there. Your friends will pick, and in many cases, you might feel uncomfortable being around mutual friends, let alone discussing your intimates with them. Most bystanders look at these kinds of things like a black box of private affairs that they won't dare open. It won't change anything.

At the end of the day, no matter which way you slice it, you have a partner who actively avoids a romantic interest in you - who has told you this and reasons why. Those reasons are nothing that you can affect. She has not seen fit to do anything about them (indeed, she feels morally righteous in investing in them), and whether you are morally right or wrong will change nothing in how it all ends.