kam
Junior Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kam on May 16, 2017 19:30:36 GMT -5
H, i wish you good luck with your wife. I hope things get better.
I am currently in a similar boat- somewhere in the in denial phase/ hoping things can get better/ haven't gotten the courage to walk away. Things may or may not work out, for now I'm taking baby steps, and being in this forum and getting support is enough for me. For now.
On the more optimistic side, i do know someone whose wife was a refuser due to physical reasons. After 10 or so years, she had an operation (for the life of me i can't remember what), and now they have a bountiful sex life.
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Post by h on May 16, 2017 19:58:53 GMT -5
Partial update: W went to another doctor for a standard consultation on what we thought was an unrelated health issue. Turns out that her frequent UTIs are actually a common symptom of that and they probably weren't caused by sexual activity. Her specialist was shocked that nobody picked up on the pattern. That problem may be solved fairly soon! First bit of good news I have gotten in a long time. Next thing to wait for is the Gyno appointment (already scheduled for this summer) to figure out the intercourse pain issue.
I know to some it seems like I'm grasping at straws and clinging to a dead relationship but I don't feel right about calling it quits until I truly have exhausted all possible solutions to our SM. If the medical issues get fixed and things get better then it will have been worth it. If the medical issues get fixed and nothing changes, it will have exposed her true feelings towards me and I can still say that I tried my best.
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Post by baza on May 16, 2017 21:22:00 GMT -5
Something to keep in mind - You will never "truly have exhausted all possible solutions to (your) SM". There is always a new "why" to identify and chase over the horizon and back. For that reason, the potential never ending nature of the "why" chase, it is as well to self impose a time limit on how long you are going to persist. To *run the clock on it*. I hope this "why" chase you are on pays off Brother h |
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Post by h on May 16, 2017 21:33:37 GMT -5
Something to keep in mind - You will never "truly have exhausted all possible solutions to (your) SM". There is always a new "why" to identify and chase over the horizon and back. For that reason, the potential never ending nature of the "why" chase, it is as well to self impose a time limit on how long you are going to persist. To *run the clock on it*. I hope this "why" chase you are on pays off Brother h My timetable for now is the doctor appointment this summer. No decision until then. Her attitude and willingness to work on the problem after that will determine what choices I make at that point. |
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Post by csl on May 17, 2017 0:12:25 GMT -5
A blogging friend of mine said "Support her in her healing, not her complacency."
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 17, 2017 11:15:49 GMT -5
Partial update: W went to another doctor for a standard consultation on what we thought was an unrelated health issue. Turns out that her frequent UTIs are actually a common symptom of that and they probably weren't caused by sexual activity. Her specialist was shocked that nobody picked up on the pattern. That problem may be solved fairly soon! First bit of good news I have gotten in a long time. Next thing to wait for is the Gyno appointment (already scheduled for this summer) to figure out the intercourse pain issue. I know to some it seems like I'm grasping at straws and clinging to a dead relationship but I don't feel right about calling it quits until I truly have exhausted all possible solutions to our SM. If the medical issues get fixed and things get better then it will have been worth it. If the medical issues get fixed and nothing changes, it will have exposed her true feelings towards me and I can still say that I tried my best. I happy to hear you have a partial answer for your wife's issue. I used to have a lot of pain in sex and still have some. It took awhile to find some answers, mostly because I was terrified of doctors. I had a lot of pain with exams too and the doctor told me it was because I was unconsciously clenching. By being aware of this and consciously relaxing my muscles I was able to reduce the pain. Just throwing one possibility out there. Other pain I experience is caused by an inverted uterus and cysts (nothing cancerous). All of this can be overcome by two people willing to make an effort. |
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Post by h on Jun 30, 2017 14:06:59 GMT -5
Progress update: W and I had another talk. She told me how she would want to have more sex if I were more romantic. I told her I would be more romantic if we had more sex. She said that pressuring her on this is causing her too much stress. I told her that her ignoring the issue is causing me stress. She offhandedly suggested that maybe we should get divorced. She was not expecting me to agree. I told her that maybe we needed to if I was causing her so much stress. Calling her bluff worked because she completely folded after that. I called our relationship a roommate arrangement since without sex, everything we do together (pay bills, share household chores, watch TV,...) is no different than what non-romantic roommates do. The only thing that separates a marriage from roommates is the romantic sexual component.
It finally came down to the fact that I have stayed working at a stressful job I can't stand just to support our lifestyle and I will only continue to willingly be unhappy at work if things change and I can be happy at home. She's had her opportunities to change jobs and be happy without having to worry about our finances or health insurance. I asked her point blank, "When is it ever going to be my turn to be happy? How long do I have to wait for my turn?" That question ended the argument.
Obviously I can't read her mind but I think that was the thing that got through to her. We have both been more affectionate with each other since. I have been working on the things she has asked me to and we have had sex twice this week. Last night we sat up together and watched the thunder storm while giving each other foot massages. We still aren't where I would like to be overall but it's progress. We are still only using one position but she did say she was open to trying more after she loses some more weight. She has been putting in extra effort to exercise also. She asked me to exercise with her and I was totally up front with her and told her that I didn't want to be healthier. I told her that getting in better shape would increase my testosterone production and with it, my sex drive. I told her that I didn't want to increase my desire for sex if she wasn't serious about meeting my needs. That statement really drove my point home on how serious I am. The fact that I was willing to risk my long term health to avoid the disappointment of rejection hit her hard. She is not a devious person or even slightly good at acting. I really believe that she cares about me and is willing to try. I just don't think she has ever really understood what our physical relationship means to me. That's not how she understands love so she couldn't wrap her head around why it was so important to me. Hopefully I broke through.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 30, 2017 15:21:28 GMT -5
Progress update: W and I had another talk. She told me how she would want to have more sex if I were more romantic. I told her I would be more romantic if we had more sex. She said that pressuring her on this is causing her too much stress. I told her that her ignoring the issue is causing me stress. She offhandedly suggested that maybe we should get divorced. She was not expecting me to agree. I told her that maybe we needed to if I was causing her so much stress. Calling her bluff worked because she completely folded after that. I called our relationship a roommate arrangement since without sex, everything we do together (pay bills, share household chores, watch TV,...) is no different than what non-romantic roommates do. The only thing that separates a marriage from roommates is the romantic sexual component. It finally came down to the fact that I have stayed working at a stressful job I can't stand just to support our lifestyle and I will only continue to willingly be unhappy at work if things change and I can be happy at home. She's had her opportunities to change jobs and be happy without having to worry about our finances or health insurance. I asked her point blank, "When is it ever going to be my turn to be happy? How long do I have to wait for my turn?" That question ended the argument. Obviously I can't read her mind but I think that was the thing that got through to her. We have both been more affectionate with each other since. I have been working on the things she has asked me to and we have had sex twice this week. Last night we sat up together and watched the thunder storm while giving each other foot massages. We still aren't where I would like to be overall but it's progress. We are still only using one position but she did say she was open to trying more after she loses some more weight. She has been putting in extra effort to exercise also. She asked me to exercise with her and I was totally up front with her and told her that I didn't want to be healthier. I told her that getting in better shape would increase my testosterone production and with it, my sex drive. I told her that I didn't want to increase my desire for sex if she wasn't serious about meeting my needs. That statement really drove my point home on how serious I am. The fact that I was willing to risk my long term health to avoid the disappointment of rejection hit her hard. She is not a devious person or even slightly good at acting. I really believe that she cares about me and is willing to try. I just don't think she has ever really understood what our physical relationship means to me. That's not how she understands love so she couldn't wrap her head around why it was so important to me. Hopefully I broke through. Have you 2 considered couples therapy? |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 15:30:12 GMT -5
h, I am very very impressed! When she played the "be more romantic" card, you came right back with the perfect response. Same with the stress, you are not falling for it. Then when she tried to hit you with the final slap, divorce, you said you would be fine with it. How does it feel to take back your power from her? You have told her in no uncertain terms that your happiness and satisfaction is just as important to hers and you are willing to end the relationship if she doesn't make some changes. You are doing really well. And all of this has resulted in sex twice in one week, so it is obviously working. Since you started posting here you have changed from a passive person who would not make any changes to an active person who is working to make sure he is treated with dignity and respect.
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Post by h on Jun 30, 2017 15:51:18 GMT -5
Progress update: W and I had another talk. She told me how she would want to have more sex if I were more romantic. I told her I would be more romantic if we had more sex. She said that pressuring her on this is causing her too much stress. I told her that her ignoring the issue is causing me stress. She offhandedly suggested that maybe we should get divorced. She was not expecting me to agree. I told her that maybe we needed to if I was causing her so much stress. Calling her bluff worked because she completely folded after that. I called our relationship a roommate arrangement since without sex, everything we do together (pay bills, share household chores, watch TV,...) is no different than what non-romantic roommates do. The only thing that separates a marriage from roommates is the romantic sexual component. It finally came down to the fact that I have stayed working at a stressful job I can't stand just to support our lifestyle and I will only continue to willingly be unhappy at work if things change and I can be happy at home. She's had her opportunities to change jobs and be happy without having to worry about our finances or health insurance. I asked her point blank, "When is it ever going to be my turn to be happy? How long do I have to wait for my turn?" That question ended the argument. Obviously I can't read her mind but I think that was the thing that got through to her. We have both been more affectionate with each other since. I have been working on the things she has asked me to and we have had sex twice this week. Last night we sat up together and watched the thunder storm while giving each other foot massages. We still aren't where I would like to be overall but it's progress. We are still only using one position but she did say she was open to trying more after she loses some more weight. She has been putting in extra effort to exercise also. She asked me to exercise with her and I was totally up front with her and told her that I didn't want to be healthier. I told her that getting in better shape would increase my testosterone production and with it, my sex drive. I told her that I didn't want to increase my desire for sex if she wasn't serious about meeting my needs. That statement really drove my point home on how serious I am. The fact that I was willing to risk my long term health to avoid the disappointment of rejection hit her hard. She is not a devious person or even slightly good at acting. I really believe that she cares about me and is willing to try. I just don't think she has ever really understood what our physical relationship means to me. That's not how she understands love so she couldn't wrap her head around why it was so important to me. Hopefully I broke through. Have you 2 considered couples therapy? I suggested it during our last discussion but she isn't comfortable talking about our intimate life (or lack of it) with a stranger. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 30, 2017 15:53:53 GMT -5
hYour could suggest going to 1 session to see how she feels and make a decision to continue from there. Our first session was our background/timeline, which served as a way to naturally work in the details, without feeling like you were thrown in the deep end. Our sessions also serve as a spring board for is to continue discussing by our selves later that evening.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 30, 2017 16:12:01 GMT -5
I just don't think she has ever really understood what our physical relationship means to me. That's not how she understands love so she couldn't wrap her head around why it was so important to me. Hopefully I broke through. If the above assessment is remotely correct, then h 's wife is surely a textbook asexual. Asexuals have no desire for partnered sex, but there are many flavors of asexuality that blur that definition. More importantly, there is a common denominator among all the various flavors of asexuality: They place no value on sex as a positive aspect of a marriage. They do not bond via sex, and very few of them can even contemplate the idea of bonding during sex. They actually view sex as a negative aspect of a relationship, preferring a relationship be more "pure", without being polluted by sex. These are alien views among us sexuals, but our views of sex as a positive relationship experience is equally as alien to all asexuals and h seems to be describing that attitude to a "T". And if I'm remotely correct, all the counseling in the world will not change her sexual orientation. I give h a lot of credit for taking back possession of his dick... She may not be devious but she is a moderately good poker player. Except that you called her D word bluff and raised her a D word (or two), something she was not prepared for. |
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Post by h on Jun 30, 2017 16:13:23 GMT -5
h , I am very very impressed! When she played the "be more romantic" card, you came right back with the perfect response. Same with the stress, you are not falling for it. Then when she tried to hit you with the final slap, divorce, you said you would be fine with it. How does it feel to take back your power from her? You have told her in no uncertain terms that your happiness and satisfaction is just as important to hers and you are willing to end the relationship if she doesn't make some changes. You are doing really well. And all of this has resulted in sex twice in one week, so it is obviously working. Since you started posting here you have changed from a passive person who would not make any changes to an active person who is working to make sure he is treated with dignity and respect. I'm glad I found this forum. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't. I would likely still believe it was my fault. I'm most thankful for the self awareness I've gained here. I never would have had the courage to speak up for myself if I hadn't found this site. I really think we have a shot at making it work but even if it doesn't, I'm not paralyzed by the fear of it ending. I am smart enough to know how to take care of myself and get through the tough times if I have to. I have the knowledge and discipline to get by if I lost everything. I never even thought about these things until coming here. |
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Post by csl on Jun 30, 2017 16:21:07 GMT -5
Yippidy-zippidy-doo-dah!!
A great update, Bro. h. Her attempt at playing the Divorce card backfired on her, and the "when do I get to be happy" shot woke her up a bit. She's learning that this is serious, and so are you. Good job.
Last month, I said, "But what you can do is make the choice necessary." She is starting to realize that a fork is the road is approaching, and that she is going to have to decide which way to go.
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Post by h on Jun 30, 2017 16:25:44 GMT -5
h Your could suggest going to 1 session to see how she feels and make a decision to continue from there. Our first session was our background/timeline, which served as a way to naturally work in the details, without feeling like you were thrown in the deep end. Our sessions also serve as a spring board for is to continue discussing by our selves later that evening. The suggestion was absolutely rejected. Totally DOA and not open to negotiation any time soon. I will suggest it again sometime but I don't want to sabotage the progress I have made so far. We are talking again at least. |
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