|
|
Post by csl on Jun 30, 2017 16:32:24 GMT -5
h Your could suggest going to 1 session to see how she feels and make a decision to continue from there. Our first session was our background/timeline, which served as a way to naturally work in the details, without feeling like you were thrown in the deep end. Our sessions also serve as a spring board for is to continue discussing by our selves later that evening. The suggestion was absolutely rejected. Totally DOA and not open to negotiation any time soon. I will suggest it again sometime but I don't want to sabotage the progress I have made so far. We are talking again at least. Save it for later this summer, depending on how things play out. You've already seen her run from the D-card. It might be the fillip she needs to inspire her to visit a counselor. You would be the best judge of its efficacy, but it's always up there, in your sleeve. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 30, 2017 21:26:53 GMT -5
Have you 2 considered couples therapy? I suggested it during our last discussion but she isn't comfortable talking about our intimate life (or lack of it) with a stranger. That's an extremely weak argument. Normally the refuser either doesn't want to get anywhere near therapy because they fear loosing control. Or they can't wait to fool the therapist, and /or find one who is very sympathetic to their case. It's a zero argument. Another DARVO. We are all strangers at some point. The two of you where strangers once! What a bunch of B.S.!! ( the only STRANGE one is her!) Just more testimony about how fast a manipulative mind works. More " only I know what's best, things have to be my way only. I FEEL it's true, so that makes it right.". My thoughts, my feelings, me only, so that makes it right. Plus they say these things with very little regret, very little emotion, very little care about how it affects anyone but themselves. It sounds quite childish actually. it's time she puts on her big girl britches! I know from my own experience this is quite hard for you. It's also difficult to hear someone else degrade your wife. The person you took a vow, a pledge to protect. I say these things with care and compassion, for you, and for her actually. She's also hurting herself, and loosing what could have been a successful marriage. Prayers for strength to you, my friend! |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 1, 2017 17:28:09 GMT -5
h, kudos for the progress. Hopefully, it continues to be progress. I find after having these talks that it is difficult to return to pure motivations. I can only think it requires a lot of time and exercise. That is, when a) she thinks you're only meeting her needs because you want something, and b) you feel like she's only reacting to something you did for her and not because she's genuinely interested. But it is at least a start toward new habits. And the whole anti-therapy thing is bullshit, of course. One would think that she's willing to have awkward conversations with her gynecologist for the sake of health and safety, and this is hardly different. Do make sure to press this issue in the future.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Jul 7, 2017 12:52:41 GMT -5
h , kudos for the progress. Hopefully, it continues to be progress. I find after having these talks that it is difficult to return to pure motivations. I can only think it requires a lot of time and exercise. That is, when a) she thinks you're only meeting her needs because you want something, and b) you feel like she's only reacting to something you did for her and not because she's genuinely interested. But it is at least a start toward new habits. And the whole anti-therapy thing is bullshit, of course. One would think that she's willing to have awkward conversations with her gynecologist for the sake of health and safety, and this is hardly different. Do make sure to press this issue in the future. My motivation was never in question to her. I have met her needs since long before the wedding. She even brags to her friends about the things I do for her. As for the part about not wanting to have awkward conversations with strangers, she hasn't even talked about it yet with her gynecologist either and she has seen this one for a few years. You're correct that it's hardly a different situation than talking to a counselor. That conversation will be happening next month though. I will be there at that appointment to bring it up in case she doesn't. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 7, 2017 14:01:50 GMT -5
Few people feel comfortable talking about sex with a counselor or doctor. People having sex problems who care about sex or sex-starved partners manage to have such conversations. Those conversations are easier and less costly than talks with divorce lawyers.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Jul 7, 2017 14:11:35 GMT -5
Few people feel comfortable talking about sex with a counselor or doctor. People having sex problems who care about sex or sex-starved partners manage to have such conversations. Those conversations are easier and less costly than talks with divorce lawyers. Agreed. My hope is that if I can at least get the conversation started, the doctor will pick up on it and start asking more questions. It will be awkward but maybe getting the ball rolling is all it will take. My main criteria for success will be her willingness to continue the conversation even if I have to start it. If she can't bring herself to do that, then there is no hope for fixing it. Then I'll know I have to go the legal route. Consider me optimistic but mentally prepared for either outcome. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 7, 2017 21:29:49 GMT -5
Re - "the legal route".
You could - concurrently with this counselling strategy you are hoping to head her off to - be getting your legal advice, exit strategy etc together in theoretical terms. Thus being prepared for the next phase of the process when the deadline runs out.
*If* it turns out that you don't need the info, then you've lost nothing apart from a few hours researching and talking to a lawyer in your jurisdiction.
*If* it turns out you do need the info, and you start that process only when the deadline falls due, then you start from scratch, and it has cost you time.
Time is NOT your friend in these situations.
|
|
