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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 10, 2017 23:41:23 GMT -5
After months of sitting on the fence, and weeks of fretting and worrying that I was doing the wrong thing, I've finally done it.
I told my wife this evening that I didn't see a way forward for us together, that I don't think I'll ever be able to feel loved the way I need to, and that I don't believe I'll ever be able to fully love her the way that she needs to be loved by a husband and life partner. I told her I'm done fighting for us, that I don't have anything left, no hope, no belief that we're supposed to stay together.
...and she told me that she doesn't believe this is how we end.
"I don't think you're done yet. I don't think this is how we're supposed to just end like this."
"This isn't right. You made a commitment. You don't get to just say you can't now."
"Please, just stay the night. I haven't asked for much, but I need this." (I didn't. I know better. I couldn't.)
"I think we're awesome. Everybody else thinks we're awesome. Why can't you see that?"
"I know you're just too tired to keep fighting. But I'm going to keep fighting for the both of us."
Sigh. Same thing I went through when I told her months ago that I wanted a separation.
"We should talk to your parents. You know they've been dealing with something similar for the last four years?"
(Longer, actually. But we're not my fucking parents. And we're not calling them, because this isn't their relationship.)
So, it's out there. Hopefully it'll sink in sooner than later, but I don't know that I expected the strength and consistency of her repeated denials. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I don't think that was it.
As I left to go back to the house of the friend I've been staying with since January, I told her I'll be around, for when she wants to talk. We have another visit scheduled with our couples counselor Thursday, but I don't know if she'll want to keep that appointment or not; she admitted last week that she hadn't really gotten anything out of our couples counseling the last 7-8 months, as she thought it felt like my time to tell her what she was doing wrong, and she wasn't allowed to say anything back.
Ugh. I'm exhausted.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 11, 2017 0:06:59 GMT -5
Courage and strength!
It sounds like you are in a sort of siege or stalemate. The key word from reading your post is "fighting" she is going to keep fighting for your relationship no matter what it seems.
I hate to say it but it sounds like you have to make some serious further moves - like filing for divorce or breaking off contact with her except via a lawyer.
Obviously and of course - I would think getting a divorce mediator or lawyer involved ASAP at this point is highly advisable - provided you are certain on your firm resolved decision to separate and eventually divorce.
Last but not least - do you have a local support network of friends and some family members - as it sounds like she is getting your family to unite against you and force you to stay married.
Courage and strength to you during these tough times!
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Post by wom360 on Apr 11, 2017 0:07:38 GMT -5
Restraint and compassion. You're doing well. Just keep on the path. I assume she understands the sexlessness was a deal breaker. She's not blindsided.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 11, 2017 2:23:59 GMT -5
She is going to keep nagging and trying to persuade you as long as she can. I think it's best for both of you to take the next steps as soon as possible. File for divorce. Make her clear it's final and focus on the practical issues to deal with. Those couple's sessions should change focus as well. You are no longer a couple.
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2017 2:50:11 GMT -5
You want out.
Keep working on the necessary choices and actions to bring that about.
Everything else is a side bar to that aim.
What your missus does is none of your business any more. If she wants to "keep working for us both" then let her waste her time so doing. Just don't involve yourself in it. Let her "shadow box" solo, and don't get involved in it in any way shape or form.
I think it would be smart for you to call the joint therapist and let them know that you won't be attending any more sessions, though your missus might be.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 11, 2017 8:41:17 GMT -5
Good (hard) work, cagedtiger - just stick to the fact that you meant what you said. Contact a lawyer and file any necessary papers. I would attend one more session with the therapist. I'm not sure it matters if she goes or not, but I would want her at ONE more - in order to let them know what you have told her. State out loud that she felt she couldn't speak in the prior appointments. ASK her to speak to you both about how this most recent news makes her feel. I think the therapist would do well to point out that it is futile to fight for an "us" that no longer exists. (That's just me though - as baz points out, you could just as easily call and cancel and it wouldn't hurt anything from what I can tell) Your parents have NOTHING to do with it, btw. We no longer live in an age where anyone can MAKE someone stay married that no longer wishes to be married. A therapist will not drag her out of her denial. (She's a MASTER level - my god!) Perhaps official divorce filing will though. And in the end - whether she denies it or not, you saying you are done means you are done. I believe you were ready to be done about last fall, from your posts. I, myself, couldn't imagine why you weren't done a couple years ago. I believe you when you say you are done. So call the lawyer and do whatever you need to so that the state can dissolve the dis-union as timely as feasible. No offense, here, but she's f'ing nuts, you realize. Love you, man - you deserve a shot at YOUR OWN life, lived the way you want to. |
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Post by iceman on Apr 11, 2017 9:02:57 GMT -5
Good for you. You've made your decision and you're comfortable with it. For her sake and yours I would think you would want to move ahead quickly to close this chapter of your lives and move to the next chapter. She may not agree and probably won't but delaying now beyond the time needed to work out the practical details serves no purpose and just adds to the pain.
Stay strong and good luck!
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 11, 2017 9:05:43 GMT -5
There is so much hypocrisy, so many double standards, so much control, so much spin, so much manipulation so, so much DARVO in her words, its, it's aaarrrhhh....(like you said) exhausting!! The disrespect and selfishness is just intolerable. Run my friend, run, keep on running, look back only to learn from it the next time you are approached by another narcissist. Look for those red flags.
I could have a field day taking every sentence and dissecting it. Showing the spin, reversal, and control of her tactics. I am so, so glad for you that you are no longer going to be a victim of her bullshit any longer.* Kick Lucy in the ass this time Charlie Brown!*
This one gets me the most: "This isn't right. You made a commitment. You don't get to just say you can't now".
In therapy my W. actually said," Well I made a commitment to stay married, so I am stuck". Meanwhile she also confessed that she detached herself from me years ago, that she doesn't see the need for intimacy, and that it's all about the children". Some commitment, hugh!!
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 11, 2017 9:10:26 GMT -5
Only problem is, in my wonderfully religiously backwards state, we can't file until after being legally separated for a year, which means January of 2018 at the very earliest.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 11, 2017 9:17:24 GMT -5
Work with it, deal with it. You will have your defense built up through an attorney, ready to go. The best thing you could do for yourself is to cut off all communication with her. Only the least amount through an attorney. Don't give her any ammunition.
Your therapy sessions should be towards your own healing and recovery. Including going over her words and actions. Start the healing process, with some strong mentoring. Rely on others and yourself.
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Post by Dan on Apr 11, 2017 9:39:37 GMT -5
Considering the title of this thread -- "Ripping Off the Band-Aid" -- I think your wife needs to understand that all the band-aids she is suggesting ("give it one more try", "you made a commitment", "let's ask your parents") are NOT going to fix this problem.
Your marriage is fundamentally broken (the sex life and the trust); band-aids don't work on a broken leg.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 11, 2017 9:39:52 GMT -5
cagedtiger It is exhausting. So tiring. You do what you believe is best for you "long term". I'll admit that I sort of stopped reading after you wrote: Because anything after that is just words. These are the important ones. Boldly go forth and be happy. You have my best wishes and my support.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 11, 2017 10:03:20 GMT -5
oof. I feel ya. Been there, done that. It's exhausting, but I have to ask -- do you feel more alive, even with the pain? I remember feeling intense pain, grief, sadness which ALL felt better than trapped, unloved, unheard, etc. because "hope" WAS there underneath the pain.
Wishing you the best as you embark on this journey!
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 11, 2017 10:15:19 GMT -5
oof. I feel ya. Been there, done that. It's exhausting, but I have to ask -- do you feel more alive, even with the pain? I remember feeling intense pain, grief, sadness which ALL felt better than trapped, unloved, unheard, etc. because "hope" WAS there underneath the pain. Wishing you the best as you embark on this journey! I feel at peace that I've said what I needed to say. A bit nervous about what happens next, and worried for her letting me see the dogs and eventually take the puppy, but I'm calm. And ready for this to be sorted so we can both move on with our lives. |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 11, 2017 10:27:23 GMT -5
Wow CT, I can hear the exhaustion in every word you write. Guard your heart! You know you've reached the point where you feel you can't do anymore, so that's it. Listen to the advice of those who have gone before you (I haven't, yet), but I imagine there is a whole spectrum of emotions and thoughts and craziness going on right now. I think it might be the time to acknowledge all the emotions that are there - they're all valid, all real - but just let them sit. That's all. And in moments of self-doubt, go through the logic: "Did I really do enough?" Answer it with evidence, not an emotion. THe evidence will always let you see the truth and the lies.
I'm feeling for you CT, but you know everyone here supports you 100%. It's time to LIVE your life!
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